Lame Dad jokes, lets see em.

[n2ishun]

01. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side
02. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
03. How do you make holy water? You take some regular water & boil the hell out of it
04. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
05. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
06. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
07. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
08. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any.
09. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
10. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
12. A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
13. She had a photographic memory, but never developed it
14. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
15. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
16. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
17. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve
18. The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
19. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
20. Need an ark? I Noah guy
21. I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
22. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
23. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine
24. What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus for sure.

 

[plh]

Which of King Arthur's knights designed the round table?
Sirrrr Circumference

 

[SBRSarge]

Where do cow farts come from? The dairy air
Why do cow milking stools just have three legs? The cow has the udder

 

[SBRSarge]

Which of King Arthur’s nights were unpredictable? Sir Prise

 

[NFAJohn]

Anytime my kid says "I'm hungry" Response "Hi Hungry, nice to you"

 

[Herb Stoner]

What did the fish say when he bumped into a concrete wall?

Dam...

 

[Ronws]

I was telling my step-grandfather about a guy I knew with one leg named Harry.
He asked what was the name of the other leg?

He said, don't be so lethargic. We need more argy, not leth.

 

[FredHammer]

I once went to a paraplegic strip club. The place was crawling with pussy.

 

[Doc68]

How much does a roof cost.......

Nothing, "it's on the house"

Doc

 

[johnnycat]

How do you catch a unique bird?
You 'neak up on him.

How do you catch a tame bird?
The tame way.

 

[Father O’blivion]

Why do cows have hooves?
They lack toes.

Why do seagulls fly by the sea?
If they flew by the bay they’d be bagels.

 

[Makinchips208]

Why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.

 

[armorpl8chikn]

There was a Rabbi who found the lost tribe of the Trids. He swore himself to protecting the Trids from all harm.
He spent a lifetime protecting the Trids. One day a giant came along and kicked all the Trids until they were all dead.
The Rabbi was devastated and demanded that the giant kick him to death too, as his life's work was ruined, and he had lost his will to live.
The giant put his hand on the Rabbi's shoulder to console him and said he could not kick him to death too.
The Rabbi said, "Why? Why not just kick me to death too, and get me out of my misery of my failure!"
The Giant said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

 

[armorpl8chikn]

Whats the strongest thing in the world?






Exlax. Itll knock the shit out of Superman.

 

[Steel+Killer]

I used to be schizophrenic but were ok now.

 

[Ronws]

I have multiple personality disorder and none of us like you.

My step-grandfather told me that you could catch a bird by putting salt on its tail. I have tried that with deer and mule deer and, so far, I am not having any luck.

 

[Makinchips208]

What did the baby corn call his dad?
Popcorn

 

[SBRSarge]

At first, I wasn’t sure if I had lost an electron. But now I’m positive.

 

[Ronws]

When I was a kid, the grown-ups took us snipe hunting at night. So, when I saw "Sniper's Hide," I thought, finally, I will able to learn how to catch those elusive things. Man, was I ever wrong. And Now, this place is like potato chips. Hard to put down.

 

[Ronws]

What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen.

What do you call a girl with one leg in Japan?
Irene.

What do you call a guy with no legs or arms in the ocean?
Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs at the front door?
Mat.

 

[Makinchips208]

Knock knock…
Whose there?
Cow says…
Cows says who?
No silly, a cow says moo.

 

[Rhino52]

What did the fish say when he bumped into a concrete wall?

Dam...

What did the other fish say when they saw it? Dumb bass…

 

[Ronws]

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

 

[armorpl8chikn]

There was an explorer out exploring.
He found a protected cove in a valley and at the bottom, he discovered a giant lever sticking out of the ground.
He was intrigued, and began to approach the lever. A giant snake popped out of the bushes, standing well over head high to the explorer. He was massive. He made the biggest anaconda look like a garter snake.
The explorer screamed and panicked and fell to the ground.
The snake said, "Hey, calm down buddy. I won't hurt you, as long as you don't touch this lever."
The explorer was amazed.
"You can talk? Said the explorer.
"Sure I can talk, I'm Nate the snake.I am the guardian of the Lever."
"Wow!" Said the explorer.
"What does the lever do?"
Nate said."This lever is a very important lever and must be guarded always. If the lever gets pushed, the world will go, bloop bloop bloop, right out of the universe."
"Wow, that incredible. A talking snake that guards a lever that bloops the world out of the universe." Said the explorer.
So Nate and the explorer talked a long time, about the outside world. Nate was lonely with rarely anyone to talk to, and he was tired of guarding the lever, and sometimes eating people who tried to bloop everything out of the universe.
The explorer felt bad for Nate, and had an idea.
"You know Nate, we could make this a tourist attraction. Bring in people to see the bloop bloop lever. You could give tours of the lever, meet new people, and guard the lever. I could help you protect it, and you wouldn't be lonely anymore.
So the explorer and Nate called in developers and lawyers, and made the valley of the lever into a tourist attraction. Nate and the explorer were fast friends and for many years they ran the tourist attraction of the valley of the bloop lever.
One day Nate was out giving tours of the lever, and a tour bus lost its brakes coming into the valley. It was speeding along as tourist were running and screaming, and Nate was desperately trying to get out of the path. The tour bus ran over Nate and killed him. The explorer ran up crying and screaming, checking Nate's bloody body for a pulse.
The explorer grabbed the bus driver and shook him, "Why! Why did you kill Nate the snake, guardian of the lever!!"
The bus driver said, "My brakes went out, I couldn't stop. There was Nate on the right, the lever on the left. I couldn't go left, cause if I did, the whole world would go bloop bloop bloop right out of the universe. I had to make a decision...so I figured.....Better Nate than Lever."

 

[SBRSarge]

Why did the egg cross the road? It had the inclination

 

[armorpl8chikn]

Why did the chicken cross the road?





To show the possum, it COULD be done.

 

[theLBC]

 

[Steel+Killer]

What do you call a guy with no legs or arms in the ocean?
Bob.

Fucked!

 

[Maser]

What's better?
A midget Klan meeting or a full sized Klan meeting?
Midget Klan meeting because they're only a little racist.

 

[DarnYankeeUSMC]

The arborists couldn't tell why my tree died. They were stumped

 

[Ronws]

Two cannibals are eating a human. One starts at the head, the other starts at the feet. One says to other, "How are you doing over there?"

"Oh, great! I'm having a ball."

 

[FredHammer]

A Pirate Captain walked into a bar with a ship's wheel on his dick. Bartender said, "Hey Capt. there's a wheel on your dick!" To which the Pirate Capt. replied, "Arrrrggggg, I know matey, and it's driving me nuts!"

 

[quietmike]

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits, the other.....

 

[roostercogburn98]

Every time we pass a cemetery and my kids are with me.

-you know what they say about cemeteries?


-people are dying to get in

 

[Ronws]

Geology rocks.

But geography is where it's at.

 

[DarnYankeeUSMC]

Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

 

[EddieNFL]

Every time we pass a cemetery and my kids are with me.

-you know what they say about cemeteries?


-people are dying to get in

That’s why they are fenced.

 

[mick243]

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?
Doug.

what do you call a man without a shovel stuck in his head?
Douglas.


what are the best bees?
boobies.

what is the worst kind of turd?
a bas-turd.

why did the man cross the mobius strip?
to get to the same side.

 

[DarnYankeeUSMC]

Did you hear about the guy making tons of money collecting leaves?
He's raking it in

 

[Ronws]

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A brunette with bad breath.

 

[Ronws]

It takes guts to be an organ donor.