THREAT OF STRIKE ACTION
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute ever the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al
Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would
receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only
54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the
number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this
was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members
are literally working themselves o death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a
kick in the teeth." Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of
virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne
entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu
Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains
Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al
Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the
people who do the real work?" Speaking from the shed in the West
Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama
bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
Our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there
is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight
choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like
cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they
won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by
claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How
am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the
private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. Talks broke down this morning
after management's final proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was
rejected outright after a failure to agree on
orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was
quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that... it's too much to swallow". Unless some sort of agreement is
reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday
on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North
London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue
working. However, some members of that branch will only be using
waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking
brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent, and the
entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their
operations, as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin
looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise. Live long and
Prosper.
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute ever the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al
Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would
receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only
54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the
number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this
was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members
are literally working themselves o death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a
kick in the teeth." Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of
virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne
entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu
Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains
Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al
Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the
people who do the real work?" Speaking from the shed in the West
Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama
bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with
Our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet
their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day
Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there
is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight
choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like
cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they
won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by
claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How
am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the
private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. Talks broke down this morning
after management's final proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was
rejected outright after a failure to agree on
orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was
quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like
that... it's too much to swallow". Unless some sort of agreement is
reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday
on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North
London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue
working. However, some members of that branch will only be using
waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking
brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent, and the
entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their
operations, as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin
looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise. Live long and
Prosper.
