Okay, filling it out now. Keep in mind my answers are meant to be funny. Then again only a fucking idiot or troll would think my answers are real.
Anyways, here goes!
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: Be prepared to submit to polygraph test if 3rd date requested. Fill in all blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential. (That means no one will know. Ever.)
1. Name:_____Mega Man_________ Date of Birth:___April 1, 1934___________________
2. Height:__6' 10"__________ Weight:___420 Kg._________ I.Q.___-14_____ GPA:___0.11______
3. Confirm you have attached:
* Current Financial Statement
* Full Background Check: Self & Known Associates.
* Medical History
* Genealogy Assessment
* Physiological Assessment
* Complete Safety Inspection For All Accessible Vehicles.
* Urinalysis
* Fresh Blood Test
4. Social Security Number:__000-00-0000_________ Driver's License #:__FU123456_____
5. Church you attend:__Silent Hill___________ How often do you attend?_When sirens blare_______
6. Boy Scout Rank:__Beak & Rush Scout______________ Number of lifetime speeding tickets? _0 (Cops aren't fast enough)_______
7. Best time to interview your:
o Father _In between Cuervo shots___ Mother __In between margaritas_________
o Minister _When asleep__________ Scout Leader __Never_________
8. Home Address:_5225 Figueroa Mountain Road___ City:_Los Olivos__ State:_CA_ Zipcode:_93441__
9. Essay Questions: Please consider and develop responses to the below using 1-3 typewritten pages each:
o A women's place is: On my lap
o I hope she enjoys: Being annoyed
o My plan to ensure her future happiness is: Keeping her in the kitchen
o My plan to ensure my future families well being is: To kill myself
o She is special to me because: She's uglier than I am
o My philosophy on parenting is: I don't believe in spanking, I feel racking my shotgun does the job just fine
o What does "LATE" mean to you?: Not early
o What does "DON'T TOUCH" mean to you?: Touch harder
o What does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?: Too big of a word
10. Do you own or have access to a motorcycle, moped, van, station wagon, RV, or similar? _Yes, but all are repossessed_____
11. Do you own or have access to a home, dorm, apartment, or similar? _Nope, I'm homeless_____
12. Do you have an earing or other piercing?_Yup______ Tattoo?__Of course_________
13. What do you want to be if you grow up? ____A fairy princess________________
14. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her__wallet size_________________.
NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave.
15. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:_what I'm currently doing with my other hand as I type this_.
16. Is the expression “I would die for her” literal or figurative in your mind? _Very figurative______________
17. Is the expression “You would die for her” literal or figurative in mine? __Even more figurative______________
18. Critical thinking story problem: Assume father “D” would die for his daughter, and father “D” will further not tolerate anyone taking advantage of his daughter, grandchildren, etc.. Factoring in the fact that the human survival instinct suggests kill before being killed, extrapolate the life expectancy of a man/boy taking advantage of father “D”s family: _9,999,999,999,999_____ seconds.
19. In the event of infractions for areas 16-18, incorrect answers for 9-12, or you have in general annoyed me:
* My greatest fear is__the guy on the oatmeal box________________________________________
* If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the_$200 shoes I'm wearing____.
* If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is_my funny bone________.
* In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like_Justin Bieber_________to be contacted.
(Not that this matters. Annoy me in the wrong way and your body will never be found)
20. Research assignment: Please investigate and fill in the blanks:
Energy in foot/lbs Muzzle Velocity
10mm 180 grain hollow point _2 in./lbs.________ __16,000 miles per sec.__
5.56x45 62 grain M855 penetrating _6,000,000,000 ft./lbs. __19 ft. per year____
.308 165 grain Federal GameKing _9 ft./lbs.__________ __3,200 ft./sec.__________
21. True or False: There are things worse than death ? _Yes, marriage with your daughter_____________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 5-7 years for processing. Please do not call, email, mail, text, or other.
I will contact you personally if you are approved. Best advice you’ll ever get: This reads like a joke. It’s not.
