I'm the man of this house and I command you!!! my wife has a very good sense of humor so I don't need to post her reply to that one. LOL.
When you come home from work and you see your wife sweeping the kitchen floor, it is not wise to ask her if she's just flown back home. 
That sandwich was a bit stale....
My Ex did that better.
Ray Rice seems like a really cool guy
You gonna wear that in public?
Cheers,
Sirhr
My Ex did that better.
Ray Rice seems like a really cool guy
You gonna wear that in public?
Cheers,
Sirhr
If you are going out and she is finally ready and she asks 'How do I look?'
'45 minutes late' is not the right answer.
'45 minutes late' is not the right answer.
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While sitting at the Tokyo airport, after a long ass flight from Seattle, waiting to go to Taiwan with the wife.
' Japanese women are by far the hottest women on the planet'
' Japanese women are by far the hottest women on the planet'
I just finished reading (and laughing) these out loud, to My Lady. Her response was "there'd be a lot of Lorena Bobbit's around, after those...." HHAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My add here, is when referencing anything regards to the kitchen.... don't ever say:
"You can't fuck-up a carrot....."
without ducking, of course. Obviously, that didn't come out exactly as it was intended to mean, at the time.... but it is something we both still laugh about, to this day. (you had to be there)
My add here, is when referencing anything regards to the kitchen.... don't ever say:
"You can't fuck-up a carrot....."
without ducking, of course. Obviously, that didn't come out exactly as it was intended to mean, at the time.... but it is something we both still laugh about, to this day. (you had to be there)
Do these pants look tight on me? Your reply... your clothes are the only thing tight on you anymore.
When you see a woman struggling with any kind of project, asking "Do you need some male help?" never seems to go over well.
If you've just come back from six weeks in the desert and have lost about 20 pounds of quality weight, when the local gym floozy says to you in the parking lot "Wow, you look great, you've lost a lot of weight!" The right answer is DEFINITELY "yeah, I just can't seem to keep any thickness on. What's your secret?" Dodged that bullet. Thank God.
The look on her face was worth it, and six months later - I deadlifted 600 for three and ran a 6 minute mile ... at Fort Carson. She never said another word to me. I laugh about this at least once a month.
God bless America
The look on her face was worth it, and six months later - I deadlifted 600 for three and ran a 6 minute mile ... at Fort Carson. She never said another word to me. I laugh about this at least once a month.
God bless America
"I love you."
Alternately, "You can't be a feminist...all real feminists are middle eastern serial killers."
Alternately, "You can't be a feminist...all real feminists are middle eastern serial killers."
When I was dating my wife right in front of her mother I said " If you dye your hair blonde I'll pay for the boob job " . Evidently not funny . My wife is part Lenape . One Thanksgiving she was telling her family about her brand new Camaro and I turned and said to her " I'll trade you some beads for that there car " . Grandma's jaw could be heard crashing into the dinner table . Once over the Mother in laws I was talking women with my nephew . Told him that the worse you treat em the faster and harder they come runnin back . Proceeded to tell him that if they're a little stupid lookin it don't hurt to smack em once in a while . Now mind you I'm totally talkin out my ass and tryin to be funny . Mother in law states that she doesn't appreciate that talk . That's when I asked " what's the matter been slapped a few times in your day ? " Again not funny . Maa bad . Mother in law calls one day and asks to talk to my wife . I tell her " Mom don't get upset shes' ok there was a little accident ' " She starts getting wound up I continue with " just relax she's gonna be ok they say . The car is completely destroyed ." By now shes' effin hysterical then I say oh here she is . Man she was effin pissed for years over that one . Again not funny . I effed with my my wife and her family so much so that I had a car accident and got banged up . Called her from the Hospital and she hung up on me three times telling me she aint in the mood for my shit . Finally convinced her to come to the hospital and she said that if I'm not there and banged up she's gonna put me in the effin hospital .
My grandfather was the king of this game. I'd go eat supper with them and he'd say something that caused my grandmother to give him "the look."
Then he'd look over at me, start cranking the adjustment on the imaginary .50 cal. And yell "Watch out boy!! The big artillery's got me zeroed in!!"
Then she would go zero to high order violence in record breaking time. One of my funniest memories of them.
Then he'd look over at me, start cranking the adjustment on the imaginary .50 cal. And yell "Watch out boy!! The big artillery's got me zeroed in!!"
Then she would go zero to high order violence in record breaking time. One of my funniest memories of them.
No shit, I bought a rifle on Gunbroker and a scope from DVOR, the scope showed up first, my wife received the package. I thought shit I'm busted for buying the rifle, so I grab her,ask her to sit down on the couch....she does, I look at her, clasped her hands in mine and said....I have something to tell you, I bought a rifle.
i could see her shoulders sag in relief as she looked at me and said...is that it?
been good to go ever since.
i could see her shoulders sag in relief as she looked at me and said...is that it?
been good to go ever since.
You never say, "How many pairs of shoes do you have???"
I have never had an issue with my wife. I don't count her shoes, and she doesn't count my guns. This takes discipline though, she has a lot of shoes.
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When asked to help with the dishes....
Me "I don't do that shit I'm a Man, a protector, a bear hunter!
Her "I don't see any bears around here"
Me "I'm better at my job than you are!"
Me "I don't do that shit I'm a Man, a protector, a bear hunter!
Her "I don't see any bears around here"
Me "I'm better at my job than you are!"
When asked "Do you mind if if I [fill in the blank.]"
I answer "I absolutely forbid it!"
This is good for anything from The Look to several minutes of hysterical laughter.
Oh, well.. It's been 32 great years.
I answer "I absolutely forbid it!"
This is good for anything from The Look to several minutes of hysterical laughter.
Oh, well.. It's been 32 great years.
Slap on a shit ton of cologne and go to the bar . The first women that says wow you smell great what do you have on tell her I have a hard on man you're really good . Then ask her if she knows anything about real estate . Then wip out little elvis and say is that a lot or what .
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