Maggie’s A few blonde jokes

[AlabamaShooter]

Got these in this morning, and thought I would share.

Distant

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license..
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

 

[sailronin]

Re: A few blonde jokes

A few oldies

What do a Blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How do you give a Blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.

How does a Blonde turn the light on after sex?
She opens the car door.

What does a Blonde say after sex?
So, ya'll on the same team?

What's the mating call of the Blonde?
"I'm sooo drunk"
What's the mating call of the Redhead?
"Are all the Blondes gone?"

 

[mikkishot]

Re: A few blonde jokes

A blonde walks into the hair dressers and wants a new style. The hairdresser shows her the different types, and she chooses one, so he says "take out your ear buds so we can get started."
The blonde gets very scared and says "I can't take them off, I'll die!" He thinks "what the ?!?" and calms her down and has her remove the ear buds and gets started. After only a minute or two, the blonde faints, and ends up dying! "Oh no, I've killed her!" he thinks, then remembers the ear buds. He carefully holds them up to his ears and hits the play button. "Breathe in... breathe out... Breathe in,... breathe out"

 

[MidwestPX]

Re: A few blonde jokes

A blonde boards a plane and takes a first class seat on a flight to New York. The stewardess stops and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry but your seat is in coach."

The blonde refuses to move so the stewardess gets the captain. He says, "No problem, my wife is blonde." He goes to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she suddenly gets up and exclaims, "Well why didn't she tell me?"

Stunned, the stewardess asks the Captain what he said and he replied, "I told her first class is going to Los Angeles and coach is going to New York."

Yuk yuk yuk

 

[Kinsman]

Re: A few blonde jokes

The blond yells across the river to another blond, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second blond yells back, "Duh...You ARE on he other side of the river...."

 

[dagwood]

Re: A few blonde jokes

How can you tell if a blonde has been using microsoft word on your computer???? There is white-out all over the screen.

 

[1911fan]

Re: A few blonde jokes

How can you tell if another blonde has been using it?
There is writing on the whiteout.


1911fan

 

[Hasgun Willtravel]

Re: A few blonde jokes

A very successfull blonde lawyer is driving through Kansas with open fields on both sides. She sees another blonde, in the middle of a field, in a row boat, paddling in the dirt.

She locks up the breaks on her Mercedes and gets out of the car and starts screaming "Its dumb blondes like you that give us all a bad name!", "If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your ass."

 

[Sean the Nailer]

Re: A few blonde jokes

How many blond jokes are there?















None, they are all true.

 

[MidwestPX]

Re: A few blonde jokes

How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?


Her teeth are chipped.

 

[chpprguy]

Re: A few blonde jokes

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.


'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[H2O Cop]

Re: A few blonde jokes

You know how to confuse a blonde??
-Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.

You know why you'd want to marry one??
-So you can park in the handicap spot.

A police officer pulls over a blonde woman for speeding. He walks up to her door and ask for her license. "Why officer, I don't know what that is," she replies.

"Look into your purse and in your wallet, it's a little plastic card that's got your picture on it," he replies. She looks and hands the officer a credit card that's got her picture on it. "Nope, not it... keep looking," he states.

She keeps looking and looking but has no luck. The male cop, getting a little irritated, looks around and doesn't see a person in sight. So he unzips his pants, pulls his 'member' out just as the blonde finds her license.

"Here it is," she exclaims while handing it to the officer. Then she looks down, see's his dick sticking out, and says,"aw come on... ANOTHER breathalyzer test??"

________________________
A blonde wife tells her husband she wants breast implants. The husband told her that he knows for sure if she takes toilet paper and rubs it between her tits three times a day, that they'll get bigger. The wife runs and immediately starts a daily regiment of rubbing the TP between her tits three, sometimes four, times a day. After a month, she tells her husband that there's no difference to which he says it's a proven fact, just keep it up. After a year of religiously following her husbands advice she finally gives up and tells him that it's not working and wants to know where he heard about the TP trick. "It's not a trick, you've been doing it to your ass and look how big IT got!!"

________________________
ha ha... there's so many more, but so little time

 

[H2O Cop]

Re: A few blonde jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 1911fan</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How can you tell if another blonde has been using it?
There is writing on the whiteout.


1911fan </div></div>

How do you tell if the blonde was looking at a porn sight?
The joystick is wet...