Another question about aging parents

[LuckyDuck]

Hello Hide,

I think this is the 3rd time I've broached this subject within the past year but feel like I've somehow fucked up again.

My father recently celebrated a birthday (a celebration I wasn't invited to despite living "close enough") that entered him into a new decade. I completely blew it in that regard- I thought the milestone birthday was next year but... nope.

I'm the eldest of 3 siblings, everyone else lives across other states (and we couldn't have pulled off bringing everyone together at the point). That said- I feel somewhat obligated to direct these type of things and corral my brothers/sisters but frankly I don't know how old even I am at this point without asking my wife let alone how old my parents are. Not offering that as an excuse either- just an explanation of where I'm at.

As I mentioned, I can't help but feel like an unspoken expectation falls on me as the eldest child (far from the favorite child) to rally my siblings into having a later celebration for our father. But I'm not gaining much ground there (and before anyone asks he was as good a father as he could be-no issues there, if I would hazard a guess, it's just dang expensive to pull off a celebration is all and everyone is/has been struggling in their own ways.

So that all said (and yes I tend to be lengthy in my posts), one of the things that really bothers me is I don't recall this particular struggle ever being a 'thing' decades ago. Growing up- we always knew we'd go to my grandparents (about an hour or so away from my childhood house) for 'lesser' holidays like Father's Day/ Mother's Day/ Memorial Day/ Veterans Day/ etc and the more "important" holidays such as Easter & Christmas the grandparents would visit their children's houses (but you better believe everyone would visit their house around that time too).

I can't speak for anyone else- but I can't help but believe my own father has the same expectations but the "realities/differences" exist that their kids cast a much wider net than his own siblings did. A long trek home was a 2 hours drive but now it's a plane ticket for the children and their families (TL/DR: thousands of dollars to bring their own families back to "home base").

Anywho- I'm just venting and complaining that I feel that as the eldest child & closest living child I was supposed to make this particular birthday about 10 degrees better than it ended up being (and didn't) It just seemed a lot simpler even 30 years ago on what was expected and what was done but the rules seemed to change rather drastically and I'm still waiting on the updated playbook.

-LD

 

[Makinchips208]

Give him a gift and maybe spend some time doing something special with him.

If the others cant or wont do anything, then that isn't your problem. Adults gotta adult.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Give him a gift and maybe spend some time doing something special with him.

If the others cant or wont do anything, then that isn't your problem. Adults gotta adult.

I think that's what I'm struggling with- I completely missed the mark on the milestone birthday but can't seem to "connect the dots" why it was so easy when my parents/aunts/uncles were able to keep track of this type of thing and handle it so... almost seamlessly(?)

-LD

 

[Makinchips208]

Probably too much time in the bear pit?

I know thats one of my many faults. That and work like 40.5 hours per week, and i forget many things. So i got to use reminders and check the calendar in my phone often.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Probably too much time in the bear pit?

I know thats one of my many faults. That and work like 40.5 hours per week, and i forget many things. So i got to use reminders and check the calendar in my phone often.

There's a lot of very good people here- I just did a quick check since you brought it up, if the stats are to be trusted there's 1200 people reading the forums here at the present moment/ 300 are registered members and 900 guests. That's just tonight/right now.

Digging into the statistics (just the way my brain works) again if what's presented is accurate- there's roughly 206K registered members here on the Hide.

I'm "popular" here for a multitude of reasons but even my own personal fan club is... at most 12 vocal members here. So I'll let you do the math but let's say I've got 12 folks that don't care for me- out of 200K (conservatively) that's what... .00006% disapproval rating which would equate to a 99.99994% approval? Kind of wild when you think of it that way don't ya think?

-LD

 

[Makinchips208]

There's a lot of very good people here- I just did a quick check since you brought it up, if the stats are to be trusted there's 1200 people reading the forums here at the present moment/ 300 are registered members and 900 guests. That's just tonight/right now.

Digging into the statistics (just the way my brain works) again if what's presented is accurate- there's roughly 206K registered members here on the Hide.

I'm "popular" here for a multitude of reasons but even my own personal fan club is... at most 12 vocal members here. So I'll let you do the math but let's say I've got 12 folks that don't care for me- out of 200K (conservatively) that's what... .00006% disapproval rating which would equate to a 99.99994% approval? Kind of wild when you think of it that way don't ya think?

-LD

Haha! 99.99994% approval rating is really good. Does that factor in the siblings disapproval? regardless, your score is already so high that their disapproval wouldn't matter.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Haha! 99.99994% approval rating is really good. Does that factor in the siblings disapproval? regardless, your score is already so high that their disapproval wouldn't matter.

Hah- still working on the sibling ratings lol.

My point is though- "someone" should make the effort to set up a celebration for when our parents hit certain ages/decades. I should have been "adulting" long enough to know who does what/what the expectations are but I somehow missed the manual here that was given to the previous generation.

It seems like the world has changed, the rules have changed, but somewhere along the line I know there is still a demarcation point when parents stop planning birthday parties for their children and their children start planning birthday parties for their parents but I don't know when that is (although I'm sure we're past it) and how does one pull it off when their siblings are spread out across the country and requires booking flights for not only them but also their families?

At some point- someone has to arrange a "happy ##th birthday" but the cumulative cost of getting everyone together is easily 10's of thousands of dollars when all is said and done for the most basic of get togethers to bring everyone into one place to eat a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting only to go home a day or two later.

Not even arguing that it isn't "worth it" but good golly- it's uncharted waters for me at least on how to tackle it.

-LD

 

[Smokeshot]

(a celebration I wasn't invited to despite living "close enough")

Why weren’t you invited?

Plan a fishing trip or whatever he likes to do. My Dad couldn’t give two shits about me and that bridge has burned. If you have a good bond with your father, just call him and talk to him.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Why weren’t you invited?

Plan a fishing trip or whatever he likes to do. My Dad couldn’t give two shits about me and that bridge has burned. If you have a good bond with your father, just call him and talk to him.

Fair question- I asked that myself honestly- they just assumed we'd be too busy is what I was told.

On the fishing trip- the Outdoor Show just closed here on Sunday actually, you might be shocked to learn what a planned fishing trip would cost.

 

[Smokeshot]

Fair question- I asked that myself honestly- they just assumed we'd be too busy is what I was told.

That’s sad man. If he drinks, just grab a 12 pack or whatever and go see him this weekend. You could try local ponds or lakes. If that’s not an option, grab some beer or bourbon, grill some ribeyes or sirloins or t-bones (my fav), hit the range maybe?

 

[LuckyLuke80]

Just my opinion and I don’t mean this to be rude, but if your siblings decided to move halfway across the country then I wouldn’t give any worry to what they are doing. If you’re still close to your dad then just make it a point to go hang with him for a day on or around his birthday. If it happens to be a milestone but you didn’t remember it then I’m sure he won’t hold that against you, especially if you’re close. @Makinchips208 and I lost our dad at the age of 49. We were 20 and 22 respectively. Our youngest brother was 17. We were each close to dad in different ways and now even after almost 23 years we all still think of him often and miss him all the time. Birthdays are just another day in many ways. Don’t worry about the so called rule book. Just make your own rules regarding celebrations etc and enjoy every moment you have together. Eventually you end up having your last celebration together and life changes again.

 

[JoshPutman]

If I'm understanding this correctly, you think you should have to pay for your siblings and their families to travel to a get together?

Fuck that. They can pay their own way. No reason you should have to cover travel expenses.

Like was said above, if you and your dad are close, just spend some time with him doing what he enjoys.

If you aren't close, then I don't know. I'm not close with mine at all, so I got nothing on that respect.

 

[DarnYankeeUSMC]

Meh, it won't be long before he has dementia and you can call him and tell him that you had a great time at his birthday party. He won't know that there wasn't a party and be just as happy as there was one

 

[Bullfrog08]

There's a lot of very good people here- I just did a quick check since you brought it up, if the stats are to be trusted there's 1200 people reading the forums here at the present moment/ 300 are registered members and 900 guests. That's just tonight/right now.

Digging into the statistics (just the way my brain works) again if what's presented is accurate- there's roughly 206K registered members here on the Hide.

I'm "popular" here for a multitude of reasons but even my own personal fan club is... at most 12 vocal members here. So I'll let you do the math but let's say I've got 12 folks that don't care for me- out of 200K (conservatively) that's what... .00006% disapproval rating which would equate to a 99.99994% approval? Kind of wild when you think of it that way don't ya think?

-LD

@DocRDS can we get a statistical analysis on these numbers? I'm calling BS!

 

[greg1147]

What decade it makes a difference to us? I called my Dad that were important to us Pearl Harbor Day, he was there, birthday, and holidays.
We made periodical visits which worked because holidays can be stressful for everyone, just my 2,. I was at his bedside in the hospital when he passed and he knew I think. So if missing a birthday causes concern, make it up, no big deal. None holiday/birthday visits sometimes work better.
Stay connected. BTW I am 77 so I can give this.

 

[bmash]

I have several friends with “elderly” (80 and 90 range)parents with horror stories regarding scams, issues with houses, driving, etc. Some of their children are too busy to help. So it has me thinking at what point do I involve them in my finances. Being MEN we ain’t going to let go easily! (94 year old friend still drives!)
But at some point I hope my children will give me counsel and maybe I’ll listen. I would try to fix or strengthen the relationship, and be available to help where allowed.
Obviously it’s up to you to figure out how. (I am not a counselor!)
BTW, I don’t have this problem - mine all died in their 50’s…
As too celebration, if he is like most men, I doubt he cares for a party at all! I sure don’t!

 

[34vld]

It shows that your family isnt as important to you as your own interests are. So if they arent important come here and tell us. If you want them to be important, tell them.

 

[LuvDog]

My family spread out too. We've gotten together for my father's birthday every year for decades now.

Everyone pays their own way to visit. One of us picks up the celebration meal.

You don't need to pay to bring people in. Just set a date and book a restaurant reservation and it's up to the other to make it in to town and pay their fair share. If they don't want to pay, then they don't come.

 

[brianf]

Few differing opinions do take the one you can deal with personally. There is no correct way because no one knows your relationship. Maybe deep down you hate him etc

1, you are the oldest, that comes with more responsibility..just the way it goes

2, if there is a sister..this is her job. Proper parenting creates independent males, that’s why god made women.

3…my personal opinion (again just me, but I’m more of a hard ass 99% of the time)…man the fuck up and take care of business.

Your busy..that means your lazy or selfish

You forget..that means your lazy or selfish

Its too much money..I get it, then send a card on the correct day

Everything you wrote can be taken care of by effort until dollars come into play

Side note, anyone over 75 with non degenerate children should have estate planning set up. Not just for taxes but for the scam protection. 80 year olds should not have 100% control of their estate / money unless the children are losers

My 2 cents

 

[doubloon]

Why weren’t you invited?

Because he talks too much and is an attention whore who makes everything he attends about himself.

Signed, the youngest sibling.

 

[Kadams1563]

What to do with aging parents. Get the absolute largest life insurance policy you can on them so you’re not stuck with all the debt. Since your the oldest that will fall on you.

 

[Makinchips208]

What to do with aging parents. Get the absolute largest life insurance policy you can on them so you’re not stuck with all the debt. Since your the oldest that will fall on you.

I don’t think thats how debts work.

 

[Devildog]

Not sure how you forget in today’s world. I put all important dates in my cell phone calendar with reminders days and weeks ahead of time. I don’t forget unless I want to now!

I wouldn’t worry to much about it, I’m getting old enough that I’d just like people to leave me alone on my birthday.

 

[sled_mack]

Dad and I were close. He passed right after his 65th birthday. We lived about 2 hours away and he came to visit us for all occasions - mostly to get time away from mom. And only if there was work to do- cut firewood, remodeling, fixing trucks, whatever lead to drinking beer and steaks on the grill for dinner. Only child here, so no worries about coordinating with other.

My mom, on the other hand…. Her 80th birthday was a few years ago. Wife and I made several suggestions for a party for her, all rejected. I could tell she had an idea but wouldn’t tell us. Finally, she tells us she tells she booked a party at the local zoo. As you might guess, said party is geared towards 8 year olds, not 80. It was cringeworthy. Then she didn’t know I was right behind her and she told her friend that she had to pay for her own party- till I stepped forward to remind her we made several offers to host or pay for her party. I got the stink eye for that…

Best I can suggest is just go spend time with him. Have a few beers and see what happens.

 

[doubloon]

I don’t think thats how debts work.

That's how murder investigations work.

 

[chevy_man]

I don’t think thats how debts work.

It certainly is for the estate. You get to sell stuff until all the debts are paid and then keep whatever is leftover.

Fair question- I asked that myself honestly- they just assumed we'd be too busy is what I was told.

On the fishing trip- the Outdoor Show just closed here on Sunday actually, you might be shocked to learn what a planned fishing trip would cost.

If he doesn't give enough of a shit to invite you, he didn't need you there.

It sounds more like you're expecting to be needed, and he doesn't need you.

I thought you were old as dirt, so maybe he never even had a party and just made it up because he was embarrassed he forgot his own age?

 

[Makinchips208]

It certainly is for the estate. You get to sell stuff until all the debts are paid and then keep whatever is leftover.

I see. Yeah, hopefully they were wise enough and diligent enough to not have any debt at an old age.

Debt is dumb.

 

[OldSalty2]

You live close, so you can be there and all you can control is you. You missed the milestone, thats shitty, but good news is, its not too late but it will be someday and good that you recognize. Learned a lesson, move on and fix it. Remember the you control you part...

You can plan a date, provide that date to your siblings and if they can make it great, if they can't they can't. You can take it a step further by trying to find a date that works for everyone, but I assure you there likely isn't one. Its really not that hard to coordinate with people today, communication options are endless. The difference today is peoples priorities. Trust me, I know this first person, and you do not get the time back.

So stop being lazy ass duck and do what you can to organize something. Set a date and go from there. I doubt your parents expect anything elaborate, just time with everyone together sharing a meal and sitting around shooting the shit. Thats likely all they want and hope for.

 

[waveslayer]

I have openings at one of my Assisted Livings, we'll take them