Maggie’s Dad Jokes!

[avalanche]

Ok so we have some awesome threads here - Motivation Pics for example... but how about a thread of Dad jokes? My kids love them, my wife hates them, and I consider them a hobby... bring them on!

I'll start.

I had a hen once...

She could count how many eggs she laid

In other words, I had a mathemachicken

 

[6/250/40]

Why did chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock knock Who's there? Chicken

 

[Spblademaker]

Knock knock..

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow...

Interrupt....

Mooo!!

 

[powdahound76]

Knock knock

Who’s there.

Guess.

Guess who?.........

 

[powdahound76]

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

Didnt want anyone to think he was chicken!

 

[avalanche]

What do you call a man swimming in the ocean with no arms or legs...

Bob

 

[avalanche]

knock knock (who's there)...

Not Bob

 

[Major Wader]

What do you call that same guy in a pile of leaves?


Russell

 

[Major Wader]

What if he's on the porch?


Matt

 

[Mike Casselton]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call it any damn thing you want, it's not coming to you anyway.

 

[Beefmanne]

What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him for a drag.

 

[Beefmanne]

My grandpas:
A farting horse will never tire, so a farting man is a man to hire.

 

[jungle45]

Us: Mrs. Nelson can Bob come out and play baseball?

Mrs.Nelson: No, you know he doesn't have any arms or legs!

Us: That's ok we just want him for second base!

 

[MrSmith]

My grandpas:
A farting horse will never tire, so a farting man is a man to hire.

Ditto! If you're from West Virginia we might be kin.

Thank you,
MrSmith

 

[hankpac]

What's green and red and goes 200 miles an hour?
I don't fuckin' know, go ask your mother. I'm busy.

 

[Foul Mike]

My Grandpa's words of wisdom,
"It doesn't take a strong back to break a shovel handle, Just a weak mind."

 

[Dougie308]

knock knock (who's there)...

Not Bob

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
He was stapled to a chicken.

 

[Slash0311]

What did the police do when the truck load of toupees overturned?

They combed the area.


What fo you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on the wall?

Art.


What fo you call a man with no arms and legs laying in a hole in the road?

Phil


What do you call a cow that can't have a calf?

De-calf-inated


What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

 

[someguy12341]

What was Helen Keller's dog's name?



UUUUUNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHH...

 

[Jimmay]

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
Cuntswaylow

 

[avalanche]

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
Cuntswaylow

Yeah... I dont know about you... but I wouldn't say that one to my kids.

 

[Forward543]

3 legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "i am looking for the man that shot my paw"

 

[Beefmanne]

Why did the ram go over the clif?
It didn’t see the ewe turn!

 

[acudaowner]

what do you call your pet pig

crispy bacon mmmm

 

[Bender]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs that goes water skiing.....

Skip

 

[xringr]

Why does the corn hate the farmers?

Cause he pulls their ears!

 

[Lapuapalooza]

A duck walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some chap stick. The pharmacist asks the duck, “Will this be cash, or charge?” The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”

 

[Lapuapalooza]

Knock, knock...

“Who’s there”...

Canoe...

“Canoe who”...

Canoe come out and play???

 

[Lapuapalooza]

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

(Repeat until the kid is loosing their mind)

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

 

[Lapuapalooza]

Have you ever read the book, Running to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit?

Have you ever read the book, Yellow River by I. P. Freely?

 

[Maxduty]

I've read it, but it was titled " 50 yards to the outhouse".

Anyway, I got 30 chickens last weekend, but none of them made it.

I'm not sure if I planted them too deep or too far apart.

 

[CaptNemo]

Have you read “How to bathe a mountain lion “ by Claude Balls ?

Maybe PG-13 on that one.

 

[winniethepooh]

Do you want to hear a pizza joke?

Never mind it’s too cheesy

 

[Blue Sky Country]

Do you want to hear a joke about construction?

I am still working on it.

 

[Jscb1b]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
To get to the chicken.

 

[12Bravo]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the 'possum that it could be done.

 

[quietmike]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.

 

[Lapuapalooza]

My daughters favorite:

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

 

[FS1]

 

[D_TROS]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no I deer!

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
still no I deer!

(PG) what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
still no fekin I deer!

Knock KNOck
who there
boo
boo who?
you don't have to cry its just a joke!

Knock KNOck
who there
leaf
leaf who?
leaf me alone!

this mushroom walks into a bar
the bartender says sorry we don't serve food here!
boom
the mushroom says why not? Im a fun guy!!
double boom

haha.

 

[Slash0311]

How do you catch a unique wabbit?

You-neek up on him.


How do you catch a tame wabbit?

The tame way.

 

[Loonhunter]

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Muslim
Muslim wh.......BOOM!!!

 

[Rthur]

One of my Dad's favorites:
Little Johnny is dressed up as a pirate for halloween
Johnny knocks on the door.
Door opens.
Johnny says Trick or treat.
Guy says I see you are dressed up as a Pirate, where are your buccaneers?
Johnny replies, right here, where are your buckin' eyes?

R

 

[Long_Action]

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have on Donald Trump

Their last big hit was "The Wall"

 

[hermosabeach]

Why don’t cannibles eat clowns?




‘Cause they taste funny

 

[KZP]

Ahem................................................................................................................................................................................................................chicken butt.

 

[Rick H.]

A good one my 14 year old nephew told at Thanksgiving a few years back:

We went on a school trip last week.
The trip was to a zoo, but they only had one animal, and it was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.