Maggie’s Do we need a Dirty Limericks Thread

[hermosabeach]

I once met a whore from Dallas
She used a dynamite stick as a phallus

They found her vagina in North Carolina
and her asshole in Buckingham Palace

—edit—
A limerick is a humorous poem consisting of four or five lines

 

[hermosabeach]

Their once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick so was long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin,

If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it

 

[Waknstak]

Roly poly tickle my holy
Slippy slimy slough
Slap my nuts against her guts
Until there black and blue

 

[hermosabeach]

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, You've a tight one,
She replied, "Oh my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
There's plenty of room in the right one!"

 

[hermosabeach]

Similar to the 1st one

There once was a woman named Jill,
Tried a dynamite stick for the thrill,

They found her vagina,In South Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil!

 

[Mike 556]

The shit house poet writes on walls
He rolls his shit in little balls
Those WHO read these words of wit
Eat those little balls of shit

 

[hermosabeach]

There once was a man named Sweeney,
who somehow spilled gin on his weenie.
Just to be couth,
he added vermouth,
and then slipped his date a martini.

 

[hermosabeach]

If vodka were water and I were a duck,
I'd swim to the bottom and never come up.
But water's not vodka and I'm not a duck,
So pass me a bottle and shut the fuck up.

 

[Mike 556]

Wien I was Young and had no sense
I stuck my Dick in an electric fence
It curled my hair and singed my balls
And made me shit my overalls

 

[hermosabeach]

There once was a priest from Morocco,
Whose motto was really quite macho.
He said, to be blunt,
"God decreed we eat cunt!
Why else would it look like a taco?

 

[NB4Z]

There once was a man, who's dream so to bang as much whores as he can,
He died of HIV. who would've seen that coming ?

 

[texastonk]

In the Beginning god made man from string, had a little left over and made a little thing.
In the beginning god made woman form lace, ran out and left a little space.
Here's to space.

 

[NB4Z]

 

[Spooky68]

Here’s to women in high heeled shoes
They smoke our dope and drink our booze
They’ve got no cherry and that’s no sin
Cause they still got the box that the cherry came in

 

[NB4Z]

A rich man gets all the girls but a Broke man, get rejected on a regular.
No hot lady will love you without a promising degree or lot of many in the bank.
Does this makes all women whores ?

 

[Beefmanne]

There was a man for St. Claire
Who was fucking his wife on the stairs
The banister broke while he doubled stroke
And he finished her off in the air

 

[Slash0311]

Long ago when nights were bold, and condoms weren't invinted,
Men would tie a sock around their cock and babies were prevented

 

[NB4Z]

A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?”
“Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man.

 

[sirhrmechanic]

There once was a man from Devises...
Whose Balls they were of different sizes.
One was so small, there was no ball at all
The other had won several prizes...

Cheers,

Sirhr

 

[NB4Z]

Two nuns are riding bikes along a cobbled road. One turns to the other and says, “I’ve never come this way before”. The other replies, “Neither have I. It must be the cobbles”.

 

[Danrobberg]

I’l always remember this one from the flea market bathroom

Here I sit broken hearted, came to shit but only farted

 

[hermosabeach]

I’l always remember this one from the flea market bathroom

Here I sit broken hearted, came to shit but only farted

for he old guys-

Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Paid a dime but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance,
Saved a dime but shat my pants.

or
Here I sit, broken hearted,
Tried to shit but only farted;
Then one day I took a chance,
Tried to fart but shit my pants!

 

[hermosabeach]

When I get up to wipe my ass,
I like to pass a little gas;
It clears my hole
And dries the bowl
And shows I got a lotta class

 

[NB4Z]

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. At 8 o’clock, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Oh, god!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!”

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud anal sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

 

[Beefmanne]

Cheap beer and Mexican do not go
For out of my ass they threaten to blow
Running, Running trying to make the stall
I drop my pants and shit spray the wall

 

[WeiserBucks]

There once was a man from Peru
He had 7 worts on his root
He poured acid on these
And now when he pees
He holds the damn thing like a flute

 

[xringr]

(Picture a headstone here)

Here lies the bones of a worthless prick
Plagued from birth with a cork screwed Dick
His life was filled a fruitful hunt
To find a girl with a spiral cunt
When he finally found her, the bastard dropped dead
For the pussy she had was left handed thread!

 

[xringr]

There once was a man from a town called locket
Who was blown down the street by a rocket
The force of the blast blew his balls up his ass
And his Dick was found in his watch pocket

 

[enichols]

There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in his canoe
He was dreaming that Venus
Was sucking his penis
And awoke with a mouthful of goo

 

[Dougie308]

There once was a man from Genoa
Who had dick two inches no more.
It was alright for keyholes and little girl’s pee holes
But was quite out of place in a whore.

 

[loboman7x57]

There once was a man from Odom
who had open sores on his scrotum
the pus it would ooze and drip on his shoes
and thats why the girls never blowed him

 

[NB4Z]

A man that like to put his hands in his pockets is always Cocky.

 

[enichols]

There once was a girl named Lenore
Her vagina was covered with sores
Not a dog in the street
Would touch the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers

 

[Foul Mike]

Here I sit in misty vapors
Some asshole pissed on the toilet paper
The time has come, I cannot linger
Look out Ass here comes my finger

 

[xringr]

Pussy is a funny thing
All pink and covered with hair
It looks like the face of a monkey
But smells like the ass of a bear

 

[Gun_Crazy]

Some people come here to sit & think,
Some come here to shit & stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls
And read the writing on the walls

 

[Tazman308]

Here I sit so broken hearted
Tried to shit but only farted
Then one day I took a chance
And tried to fart and shit my pants

 

[j-huskey]

There was a whore,
Who dripped green gore,
Who wanted to be hit once more,
Now shes Snipershide limerick lore.

 

[j-huskey]

Here I sit,
And read this shit,
Its lacking wit,
Better suited for the Bear Pit.

 

[j-huskey]

Theres Army Jerry,
Your huckleberry,
His posts are very,
Not so merry....
Buy more ammo!

 

[j-huskey]

And theres deer sniper,
Our new pied piper,
If u f with this man,
U may get banned.

Ask loonhunter...

 

[j-huskey]

Theres sirHR who writes real well,
Many awesome stories he has to tell,
F with him, he'll ring your bell,
Somehow he thinks hes going to hell.

 

[j-huskey]

And then theres Veer,
Who holds writing dear,
If you dont write clear,
He'll make you want to drink much beer.

 

[j-huskey]

And there was shankster,
His wimmen all skanskster,
Fat as well,
Ugly as hell!

 

[j-huskey]

The dirty bitch,
Her slimy ditch,
He plowed it well,
Now, the itch,
That f'ing witch....
Ditch witch,
Itch bitch......

Scratchy scratchy...
Burns to pee,
Woe is he......
Woe is he......

Dirty D....

 

[JNel]

There was a young coulple named Kelly,
They got stuck belly to belly,
While in the haste,
They got in the paste,
Instead of the petroleum jelly!

 

[Snipe260]

Then there’s Creek
He’s very unique
Also very mean
He starts his fires with Afro sheen!