Funny stories from the workplace

[Daddyusmaximus]

Share a funny story from the workplace.

It can be from a job long past, or one you have now. On another forum, a guy posted a meme of Steve Irwin, and it reminded me of something I used to do years ago when I spent 10 years working as a Correctional Officer at a maximum security lock-up.

Me, doing my best Steve Irwin:

"Here is a male of the species North American Convict. The loud vocalizations, and posturing is his attempt to gain dominance within the tribe. Normally these displays are enough to back a young challenger down, but at times, a deadly battle will ensue, often with home made weapons, and the entire tribe will gather to cheer their favorite on to victory. I have to stay clear, so I don't get bitten. These fellows carry all sorts of nasty germs."


Needless to say, the convicts didn't think it was funny, though my fellow COs thought it side splitting.



I've also been know to stroll the range late at night (after the assholes finally settled down) singing Phantom of the Oprah... LOUDLY.
Music of the Night was my favorite.

Close your eyes, and surrender to your darkest dreams.
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before.
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!!!
And you'll live as you've never lived before...



Oh, did I mention I had a price on my head?

Not for this... for breaking up a smuggling operation that was bringing in drugs.
Dirty staff.

 

[Pbgt]

One of my employees, a farm kid, was very naive....This 25 year old did not like change or leaving his "comfort zone" and his emo distress was obvious despite his attempts to always conceal it. The kid, recently engaged, was going to Las Vegas with the future in-laws, and he was stress'in about the big city, bright lights and unique people he would encounter. So, at lunch with the rest of the crew, we decided to "aid" in his stress...I was stationed at Nellis AFB twice, so I proclaim expertise as to what his trip will be like. First, I told him, I know this will not make sense to you right now, but you are gonna get raped by a gal with an adams apple..I said when you are laying on your back, on the sidewalk, look up the skirt, and this will all make sense to you....( rest of the crew spit out their lunch, laughing) farm kid laughed like everyone, although he didnt understand any of it. This kid likes to "brew" on crap like this, so we knew we would be in his head. Couple days later, told him, while you are walking down the strip, a black midget is gonna approach you and tell you to give him a dollar and he'll do a backflip for ya....We stressed the importance of paying that dude his dollar, or he is gonna beat your ass...2 weeks before his trip, in the middle of a busy day in the shop, with the entire crew present...the farm kid proclaims loudly .." nah, hua.. that shit dosent happen in LV, I went to dinner with the in-laws last night and I asked them!!! The crew rolled, while imagining THAT conversation at the table of his future in-laws. Same kid, wanted a friday off, told him "perfect", cause its a "free day" anyway due to it being a leap year...told him there are 366 days in a year, right? (got a head nod) and due to leap year, I dont know why its this way...but we have 367 days this year..so yea, take fri off cause its "extra" anyway.....

 

[seanh]

Years ago I was working for a gun parts manufacturing company. I got to keep the name quiet but those of you who know me, know the company.

So it's a typical day, nothing major going on, people Chit Chat and going about their day when I get to work. I got to my area and started with work to notice the guy at the end of my bench is chatting with one of the newer guys. I go about my business that kind of eavesdropping.

I'm loading parts for customers I'm finding it hard to keep from chuckling cuz I keep hearing what they're talkin about... Farm stuff. I hearing proceed to talk to him about special treatment of chickens, goats Etc....lol.

So the new guy not being completely gullible starts calling BS and then soon starts getting my attention, only to ask me a few questions... Little do he know.

So I proceeded to tell him about going and grabbing a chicken pulling your dick out, stick dick in, stick in each foot and your pocket and you slap it on his head when it's trying to fly away... Followed by the reason why Farm Workers wear tall mud boots is so that they could stick the feed of the sheep in there....lol

Of course my conversation goes on for about 5 minutes and he's calling bs. Someone else who used to work on a farm chime down in support of this activity...


Dude went around asking a few people in the shop ... to which they all responded in the affirmative.

The next morning when he comes into work... Of course, I grieve him good morning how was your evening...

Response: Fuck you.

Apparently he had gone home and told his cousin or brother or something like that... well, somebody corrected him

 

[Daddyusmaximus]

Basic training, Ft Knox, KY 1981. Us Pvts are on a clean up detail around Battalion. Drill Sgt Stogdill catches Daniels fucking around doing a Grape ape imitation, (cartoon from the 70s) and us all laughing at him. Daniels is a southern dude, black guy, maybe 6'5", long ass like arms. I mean looong. We all called him Grape Ape because of those arms... Drill Sgt goes to smoke Daniels, and he says

"DANIELS! Get your black ass over here right now!"

Well, at that moment Cpt Garret just happened to walking by. Guess what? He decided it would be a good idea to lock the Drill Sgts heals right in front of us... He puts Stogdill at parade rest and proceeds to admonish him about how there are no black people in this man's army.

"What color is this uniform Drill Sgt?" Then without waiting for a reply "Green. U.S. Army O D Green! We are not white, we are not black, we are all green, do you understand me?"

"Yes sir" He replies unwavering.

Now this is My Drill Sgt we're talking about. SSG Dale E. Stogdill, full blooded Cherokee, not a racist bone in his body... zero fucks given.

So, Cpt Garret strides off... without releasing Drill Sgt Stogdill from parade rest. After about 30 seconds or so he turns and looks at all of us, who are scared to death at what must be coming. He then looks straight at Daniels, who shrinks from the gaze like a scolded puppy.

"Daniels! Get your dark green ass over here!"

About 30 or 40 m down the sidewalk, Cpt Garret actually stopped mid-stride, for about 10 seconds, drooped his shoulders, and head in defeat, then continued on his way.

Daniels... got smoked good.

 

[The D]

The similar threads upgrade at the bottom is handy sometimes.

My fellow mechanics will especially appreciate this story. This is from my first real job after high school.

The guy I worked next to quickly became a good friend so we fucked with each other quite a bit. He would move tools around in my tool box or put some extra screws and bolts in the pile I had made doing some bigger jobs. So, one day after he went home I completely swapped the tools in a few of his drawers. I lasted until about noon without crying laughing watching him think he was going crazy. Another time we got into an anti-seize war over the course of a whole week. We traded spots of anti-seize on various tools and toolbox drawers all week but I delivered the winning blow on that Friday. Everyone had their own small oil drain bucket and all of them had a shitty plastic pan at the top. His had broken at some point so he put larger screws in his and also wrapped it in duct tape. I cleaned the duct tape and slathered it in anti-seize and watched him lose his shit throughout the day. By the end of the day he admitted defeat and had me point out what I did. Check and mate, motherfucker!

 

[ColinW]

I was a coastie recruit back in '09.

Halfway through week 7 (out of 8).....I woke up with a full bore hard on, as most men tend to do. As we're standing at attention by our racks(those are our beds for the non-military crew here), the company commander(drill inst.) walked by while I'm trying to tuck the boys down, out of the way. He yells 'SEAMAN RECRUT *lastname*....WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?" I responded "Sir, I don't know sir!" He says "I THINK YOU DO! What is your malfunction!?" Knowing exactly what he is talking about and not really caring since boot camp was almost done....I said "SIR, my rudder is amidships sir!" Awkward silence.....I'm biting my lip not to laugh and he just puts his head down and makes everyone else hit the deck and start pushups, except for me. They got smoked for quite a awhile.

 

[Davo308]

When I was a brand new squeaky clean teenage emt another crew pulls into station.

They say that a patient had died but the hospital wouldn't accept the body so they were waiting for clearance from the coroner to drop the body off.

I ask if there's a body in the back of the rig now and they toss me their keys and say check it out.

I opened the rear of the ambulance and sure enough there's a body on the gurney, covered in sheets.

I hop in the back and just as I'm pulling back the sheets around the bodies head the body shoots straight up. It was one of my crew members.

At first it scared the crap out of me and I jumped about 3 feet in the air.

 

[jrassy]

I had an apprentice carpenter onsite that just Wasn’t getting it together so I started calling him FLUF. hey fluf, go get some lumber, heading fluf sweep that up, etc. after a couple days he says why do you call me fluf? I said cause that’s your name now. He says what’s it mean? I said FAT LITTLE UGLY FUCKER. He lasted another day then quit.

 

[ColinW]

I had an apprentice carpenter onsite that just Wasn’t getting it together so I started calling him FLUF. hey fluf, go get some lumber, heading fluf sweep that up, etc. after a couple days he says why do you call me fluf? I said cause that’s your name now. He says what’s it mean? I said FAT LITTLE UGLY FUCKER. He lasted another day then quit.

Dude......That's just being a dick.

 

[The D]

Dude......That's just being a dick.

We had a parts guy who’s nickname was SLUFF that stood for; short little ugly fat fuck. He was cool enough when I worked there, as far as I know everyone liked him, & he embraced it well enough that I don’t think he had too big a problem. He had also been at this place for close to 20yrs so he was definitely a part of the culture

 

[TheBigCountry]

Good buddy of mine I met at work when I was working industrial refrigeration. We had a habit of messing with each other’s trucks.

One time at a job site he zip-tied my drive shaft. The next day, I managed to unclip his keys off his pants without him noticing. About an hour into working, he needed to go to his truck to get a tool. I secretly followed him out and watched as he started trying to find his keys. I stood out of sight and hit the panic button or lock button every time he went near the truck. I had him going for over a good few hours before I decided to give him back the keys.

He also was a heavy dipper, and I knew where he kept his cans. So I would sneak in his truck and play hide the Copenhagen. He would loose his mind trying to find the cans, and I always found the best places to hide them. He would randomly find cans days/weeks later.

 

[candyx]

Many moons ago I worked in machine shop, I had firecrackers so I was pulling out the fuse and scotch taped to the side and would light the fuse and throw them near my fellow workers as a gag. Well the young spanish apprentice was watching me and wanted one so he could do it. Unbeknown to him he didn't know about what I was doing to the fuses, he asked for a firecracker so I gave him one. He then lights it and throws it at the foreman's brother who was very old and as it hits his chest it goes off ,luckly the old guy didn't drop but you should of seen the shocked face of the spanish kid it was priceless..

 

[SugarBooger]

framing houses back in the early '00s. best way to find out if they were to last was on the roof. we would tack the corners while sheathing the rafters, then send up the noob to finish it off.
we had a real bright one. gave him a box of staples, an extra length of air hose and a pneumatic stapler. explained the job he was to complete and sent him on his way.

the end of the day (not tract houses, big foot print custom homes), he comes down after banging away all day. hands us the tool, hose and unopened box of staples. we look at him, "WTF?!?"

he says,"what? you mean they don't come through the hose?"

 

[deersniper]

Free @seanh

 

[Hoosier39]

Corrections.....that's funny by itself.



Anyways we use to give urinalysis on evening shift. Buddy had a guy have the CO look away for a second for something and dipped his cup into the toilet and come up to which the CO saw in his peripheral vision anyway.
Needless to say he was disciplined and explained that it was indeed his urine. Unbeknownst to inmate was that they started putting temperature strips on the cups and he couldn't explain why his body temperature is 36 degrees.

 

[D̷e̷v̷i̷l̷D̷o̷c̷A̷Z̷]

I worked at a for profit kollege.

There was a sign on the men’s room “no drug use or sex in the restroom”

Ahh the good ol days.

 

[RPN]

I had a welder fail a drug test, so I had to schedule another - the first is a freebie.

I told him what date it was, and reminded him 3 days prior so he could hit pause and pass....

Come the day he failed. I asked him wtf? He tells me he was clean but got nervous in the carlark so he had a quick doobie to settle his nerves - I didn't think it would show up so fast he says...

 

[unrepentant]

I hated working in Silicon Valley IT. Talking to our Indian overseas staff in order to configure "cloud" hardware was always excruciating.

It did leave me with a good story though...

I had to create an account once for one of the new-hire ragheads. The software was set so that I'd have to create a password that he could change at first login. His name was Subrimanian Rajanathan Avinashiappan. (I still use variations of parts of this name for my own passwords.) 25 years and I still remember the password I assigned him. The password I assigned him was "TMFHOLAN":

This MotherFucker Has One Long-Assed Name

He came back after the weekend on Monday and asked me for the password again; he said he forgot to change the password and forgot what I'd given him. I wrote it down again and he marveled at me and asked, "how did you remember that?" for which I had to stutter-- "Ummm... photographic memory".

 

[Flint62a1]

Fresh out of high school I got a job as a security guard for a local municipality. Our training consisted of going out with this grumpy old Lieutenant, who drove around to the different parks. This guy chain smoked Camels, and was one crusty miserable old man.
We get to the park at the beach, and he sees a dog out there, he proceeds to tell me he keeps a couple firecrackers in his pocket- “Just for situations like this, kid. Come with me” He tells me he throws the fire rackers at the dogs and it scares them away.
I follow- at a distance cause this was a big mean looking mutt and I have a bad feeling about this. So he light it amd throws it at the dog, who does not run away, instead he bares his teeth and growls that growl that says
Throw that at me motherfucker? He then comes after the old man. By now I am in the car safe and sound and watching the boss try to out run this very angry dog, who has already torn his pants leg in the pursuit. To make the situation worse ( for him anyway) I didnt unlock his door, by the time I did the dog had gotten his last licks in on the boss.
He jumps in the car half dead from the excitement ( he was in his 70’s) the dog is barking and carrying on outside the door, people are laughing at the goings on and he turns to me straight faced and says that’s how ya handle stray dogs kid.

 

[Longrangeprecision762]

I worked in a weld shop that employed a handicapped man to clean up and just be an all around nice guy. He would come in an hour early unpaid and make sure there was a hot pot of coffee for the boss and everything was in order.

One day the boss came in early as well to find him dunking the coffee pot in the crapper to fill the coffee maker. When asked what the hell he was doing he replied, It's clean water you dumbass!

He had been doing this for over a decade and thankfully he and my boss would finish said pot before anyone would come in.

Thank God I was a young buck and wasn't a coffee drinker at the time. Everyone in the shop would bring their own coffee and lunch as well so no harm done.

We laughed so hard at the supervisor during the morning meeting that he shut the shop down for the day and sent us all home. We spent the rest of the day fishing and dam near pissing ourselves at thought of him sipping away on toilet water.

 

[n2ishun]

Long ass time ago had a cocaine addict as a co-worker that thought he was smarter than anyone else (common with coke heads, I gather).

Anyway, he had this thing where on occasion he would put super glue into another guys tool box locks thinking "hey what a great prank".
Yea...right.
Anyway, he glued my toolbox one day, I had to borrow a drill and some cobalt bits from another guy to drill out the locks, Snap-on guy only charged me about $150 for new lock cylinders and it only took a few minutes to pop them in.
Then he glued my locks again that night.
Game on mutha fuck.
Very early the next morning I drilled the side of his toolbox (big strap-on taco wagon) and put a zerk fitting in the hole.
It took 2 of the 30 gallon drums of Valvoline "E-plex" grease to fill with the air powered grease guns we had in every stall....you guys might know the deal, central pump, guns on hose reels....anyway.
Valvoline E plex has a metallic flake to it, very similar to anti-seize.
Me and another mechanic took our time, wiped all the grease that was oozing from between the drawers, etc.
Good ol coke head gets to work, unlocks his box and pulls a drawer open.
About 2 quarts of grease immediately coated him from the waist down.
Every tool, coated. Every air tool filled, All paperwork trashed. Any electrical meter/gauge/scan tool....gone.
He was at the solvent tank cleaning tools for days, he never got all the grease out of the toolbox and had to end up buying a new one.

He never glued another mechanics locks again.
Flawless victory

 

[The D]

Long ass time ago had a cocaine addict as a co-worker that thought he was smarter than anyone else (common with coke heads, I gather).

Anyway, he had this thing where on occasion he would put super glue into another guys tool box locks thinking "hey what a great prank".
Yea...right.
Anyway, he glued my toolbox one day, I had to borrow a drill and some cobalt bits from another guy to drill out the locks, Snap-on guy only charged me about $150 for new lock cylinders and it only took a few minutes to pop them in.
Then he glued my locks again that night.
Game on mutha fuck.
Very early the next morning I drilled the side of his toolbox (big strap-on taco wagon) and put a zerk fitting in the hole.
It took 2 of the 30 gallon drums of Valvoline "E-plex" grease to fill with the air powered grease guns we had in every stall....you guys might know the deal, central pump, guns on hose reels....anyway.
Valvoline E plex has a metallic flake to it, very similar to anti-seize.
Me and another mechanic took our time, wiped all the grease that was oozing from between the drawers, etc.
Good ol coke head gets to work, unlocks his box and pulls a drawer open.
About 2 quarts of grease immediately coated him from the waist down.
Every tool, coated. Every air tool filled, All paperwork trashed. Any electrical meter/gauge/scan tool....gone.
He was at the solvent tank cleaning tools for days, he never got all the grease out of the toolbox and had to end up buying a new one.

He never glued another mechanics locks again.
Flawless victory

Bravo! I don’t mind pranks but anything that damages tools/boxes is grounds for severe retaliation

 

[Sean the Nailer]

When I worked in the sawmill, we each had our own 'lockers' which were 4' wide, 2' deep and 8' tall. In it stood our tool chest/box as well as places to hang our hoisting gear and PPE. Many had taken a whack-of-screws to hang all their wrenches on the walls/doors and such. 1/4" all the way to 2". As well as many other tools that were often used to make things simpler/faster/easier to get. At the end of the day, we simply closed the doors of our locker cabinets, and put our own lock on them.

Except, for when individuals forgot to close and/or lock their cabinets. At such times, it was:

GAME ON.

There was never any damage, theft, of cost-causing scenarios, as we all respected each other too much to do such. BUT, the spray-paint came out and the recipient was granted 'favors'.

Walls full of tools were all the sudden painted 'fluorescent orange' or 'safety yellow' or 'fire red' and such. The 'favor' being "now you can see when you're missing a tool" and such.

You can now tell at-a-glance if there is a tool missing, because there would be a perfect 'white' area showing where said tool was supposed to hang. And as an added bonus, everyone in the shop can identify their own tools from across the shop!

One day, one of our cohorts had yet-again left his locker open. He was a bit of a high-strung guy. Seeing as his tools had already been painted "two-tone" because this was almost habitual... I then went onto another tangent.

I took his fiberglass helmet (we had the kind where you can attach welding helmets, cutting goggles, face-shields and such to the one helmet) and then covered it in black-tape. I cut out 'flower petals' all over it, then painted the helmet bright orange. Pulled off all the rest of the tape, and then painted a 'yellow dot' in the center of each flower. With the base colour of the helmet being blue, it then looked like a very large chrysanthemum bush.

When he came in the next morning, was he ever pissed. He kicked that helmet around the shop like a soccer-ball. But my did he stand out in a crowd. Haaaaaaaaaaaa

And he knew that he couldn't complain, because he was one of the ones that started the tradition to begin with.

 

[Chaps5800]

I had an apprentice carpenter onsite that just Wasn’t getting it together so I started calling him FLUF. hey fluf, go get some lumber, heading fluf sweep that up, etc. after a couple days he says why do you call me fluf? I said cause that’s your name now. He says what’s it mean? I said FAT LITTLE UGLY FUCKER. He lasted another day then quit.

that is kinda like FRANK, f-ing retarded ass new guy.

 

[JJMoody]

Yeah, but actually works as an acronym…

 

[LeftyJason]

Yeah, but actually works as an acronym…

Guy could be replaced with knob. Cambridge dictionary.

 

[JoshPutman]

I was a newb at the machine shop where I used to work. One day I'm in the back leak testing parts. Big cast iron parts that you would bolt to a fixture with an air hose attached and dunk in a tank of hot water. I would then blow the excess water off after bringing it back out, and put the part on a skid.

Anyway, I hear my name over the PA to report to the managers office, so I walk up front. Nope, we didn't page you. Ok. So I walk back to my area. Bring the next part out of the tank and go to blow the water off, and out comes a spray of grease.

One of the old guys had filled my air nozzle with grease and then reattached it to the hose.

Good times.

 

[JJMoody]

Guy could be replaced with knob. Cambridge dictionary.
View attachment 7942010

Fair

 

[OkieMike]

I was a newb at the machine shop where I used to work. One day I'm in the back leak testing parts. Big cast iron parts that you would bolt to a fixture with an air hose attached and dunk in a tank of hot water. I would then blow the excess water off after bringing it back out, and put the part on a skid.

Anyway, I hear my name over the PA to report to the managers office, so I walk up front. Nope, we didn't page you. Ok. So I walk back to my area. Bring the next part out of the tank and go to blow the water off, and out comes a spray of grease.

One of the old guys had filled my air nozzle with grease and then reattached it to the hose.

Good times.

Similar thing happened to me... Except they filled the nozzle (about 12 inches long) with bright red chalkline powder.

You could see me from space.

Mike

 

[The D]

Somebody at work brought this gem up a few days ago

One of our work projects included replacing the floor of a few batches of Denver’s light rail trains. These were glued to the floor with urethane and we had several pneumatic guns that we made the very obvious phalic jokes with. Every floor glue day was a thinly veiled, nonstop homoerotic joke. There is a picture of me holding a glue gun between my legs and someone loading it with a long tube of urethane…

And fast forward a few months. One of my good friends took that picture with his phone. He and his wife synced their phones to the tv for a picture slideshow, which would be hilarious in itself when that picture scrolls through. But it gets better. She was hosting a book club night and one of their guests noticed and asked the obvious question, “Hey, uh, what the fuck is this about?”

 

[GBMaryland]

I’ve got a bunch of military stories, but let’s start with a civilian one…

One year I’m assigned to set up a Microsoft SharePoint environment for the organization I’m working for. Turns out it’s a really complicated thing to do and architecting it from start to finish is a lot like building house. (there are a lot of pieces and everything have to be done, right.)

So one of the first things to do when it comes to working on any sort of information system is that you have to gather all your requirements; you have to figure out what the customer wants and then how you’re going to stage that.

During the project we hire somebody to be in charge of PR. So I’m introduced to the new head of PR, a Director… she’s a sort of cute woman with a nice body overall, but the one thing I notice more than anything else is that she is attempting to build some sort of fiefdom. Everything is about what she can bring the table in order to look good to management. Not to do, actual work mind you, but actually look good to the management.

She calls a meeting about SharePoint and we meet in one of the conference rooms.

The two other people who are supposed to be in the meeting are late and I’m sitting across the table from this woman.

Turns out she’s wearing a dress that is basically a wrap, where the 2 halves of the dress in the front cross each other And are tied together off to the side.

Now I guess I always assumed that you would wear a bra with something like this, but in this case that’s not what’s going on.

As we get further into the conversation, and I’m still there by myself, one of her boobs pops out. She does not notice….

Now, because of her personality I am not sure what’s gonna happen if I say anything… Because she’s a politically correct pain in the ass. I am nervous that if I say anything, she’s going to lose her shit and try to blame me for something because of her personality type.

(I am in the room with her by myself….. and she can make up any shit she wants. While not a guaranteed disaster, I have a bad feeling about this.)

The guy I work for and his boss are also to nerds as well. None of us fit the classic profile of an IT guy.

Anyway, I’ve been sitting there for five minutes with her boob hanging out and the two of us talking, and me maintaining the best military bearing/straight eye contact you have ever seen in a male adult.

The other two guys walk into the room and sit down on the same side of the table that I’m on, and I’m watching my bosses boss and it was priceless.

You see his eyes flip down for a split second and then flipped right back up to her eyes.

My boss doesn’t even flick his eyes… all I noticed that he acknowledges this “situation” is a slight Cheshire cat grin on his face.

The three of us continue to have our meeting with her for another 15 minutes with her boob out, and as she gets up to leave her boob pops back in her dress.

I look at the other two and I say “I honestly had no idea how to handle that, but now I understand why you’re in charge.”

 

[quietmike]

Back when I was a LEO, saw a guy in jail I went to school with. Asked him why he was locked up.
He told me a liquor store was doing renovations so he thought it would be a good time to steal some liquor, thinking the security system would be disabled. He told me he tied his afro back, and broke in. The alarm went off, which surprised him, so he grabbed a box and ran.
Said he heard sirens, so he ran for a while, and thought it would be time to stop and get a drink.
He said he opened the box and said dammit I stole a box of ceiling tiles.

 

[mi650]

Had a girl that worked for me years ago who was TERRIFIED of snakes.

She knew I had a rubber snake behind my back. She'd been told 3 or 4 times it was fake. I pulled it out in front of me, and she ran thru the warehouse screaming bloody murder!! I got a talking to from HR.



At another company, a girl got a selfie a guy took of himself holding his johnson. He was pretty easy to track down, considering the rather distinctive bracelet he wore that was also in the pic. Dumbass couldn't understand why I fired him. Bitch of it was the girl thought it was funny at 1st, so I was gonna let it go. She decided she was gonna go full cunt mode about it and changed her mind after about a 1/2 hour.

 

[Skunk]

A girl and her boyfriend came into the office one day to make a complaint.

She said she was hearing her father’s voice in her bedroom and it was very upsetting. I asked if she thought someone was harassing her, or if he was just talking loud in another room or something like that. She said he wasn’t in another room but she could hear his voice coming from the air conditioning vents in her bedroom. I asked if he was upstairs or outside, in the attic, etc. She finally gets around to saying they live on a house-boat and her dad has been dead for ten years!

At this point, I’m thinking to myself, “this beach be crayZ!”

Anyway, I talk to her some more and ask when she hears dad. She says it’s only when she and her boyfriend are “you know!” I ask her what that means and she says, “you know….” And she holds up her left hand forming a circle with her thumb/index finger and takes the index finger of her right hand and pokes through the hole and whistles. I go, “ah, of course.” And she says, “you know what I’m sayin’ brah, grindin’ it out, yeah!”

By this time I’m trying not to laugh at being told by a woman who lives on a house-boat that she can hear her dad who’s been dead ten years through the air vents while she’s getting railed by her boyfriend. Undoubtedly in a meth fueled bender….

Before I closed the interview I asked, “well, we’ve talked this out but you haven’t told me what’s so upsetting about what your dad is saying. So, what’s he say?”

She scoots closer to me in her chair, leans forward, licks her lips, puts a fist up next to her face and yells, “Just put it in her ASS!”

I almost fucking died of hysterical laughter and she was pissed because I thought it was funny.

 

[The D]

Had a girl that worked for me years ago who was TERRIFIED of snakes.

She knew I had a rubber snake behind my back. She'd been told 3 or 4 times it was fake. I pulled it out in front of me, and she ran thru the warehouse screaming bloody murder!!

At the first real job I had out of tech school I worked with this crotchety old asshole, hilariously named Dick, that would take almost every opportunity to escalate a situation into a screaming match to just go home. One day in the summer, someone found a praying mantis and put it in the top drawer of his toolbox. He screamed like a little girl, started bitching out the guy that did it, started bitching out the service manager, locked his toolbox(didn’t put away the tools he had out), & went home

 

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[EddieNFL]

View attachment 8116412

She finally got it parked.

 

[PinesAndProjectiles]

View attachment 8116411

The fuck does this have to do with funny work stories?

Go home, grandpa. You’re drunk

 

[EddieNFL]

The fuck does this have to do with funny work stories?

Go home, grandpa. You’re drunk

Just a guess, but the structure was designed by a woman...at work...while visualizing how to load a dishwasher.

 

[Boondoggle]

I was one of the managers at a outdoor sporting goods store (guns, fishing, SCUBA, hiking, etc).

The store was set off in the woods of sorts and we had a feral cat problem. We were live trapping them and taking them to the SPCA and I got wind that one of our cashiers was feeding a few of them and had grown very fond of one kitten she called "booties" that had little white feet.

I told everyone including her at our next morning meeting don't feed the damn cats

A couple days later I watched her trying to coax booties out with food in what I'm pretty sure was an attempt to catch him and take him home. She's had a little tuna left in a can and was calling him "here booties booties booties"

I pretty much knew what was about to happen so I let it play out. He finally got close enough and she grabbed him. Cat went batshit crazy and shit and pissed all over her and proceeded to scratch her all over her arms and even got a couple licks on her face.

She drops him and comes running back in the store crying her eyes out and looking at her numerous wounds. She looks at me and I just said "and that's why we don't feed the feral cats".

Some problems solve themselves.

 

[GBMaryland]

After September 11, 2001, the .com bubble completely burst. At the time I had been consulting in the pharmaceutical industry related to IT systems. It became very clear that jobs were not going to be easy to find and I decided I would find a job to hold me over until things started returning to normal.

Surprisingly, I got a telephone call from a University in the state of New Jersey, who need a Director to run the computer science department’s laboratory environment. Basically someone to get a modern environment set up so that students could learn how to use current IT systems (Think servers, network switches, various technologies).

Since I didn’t really see anything on the horizon, I took that job.

Part of the job was having about 12 graduate assistants, all masters students, working for me. (Insert me learning a lot About Indian culture, and even some Chinese culture.)

Given that everybody was in their early 20s to mid 20s, it had a tendency to be a challenging management job… Not to mention how either culture looks at men versus women.

However, the funniest thing that ever happened to me was when an American student came into my office:

Imagine a very built young lady, wearing a miniskirt and a top that barely holds her [impressive] boobs in… and while leaning down over my desk she says:

”Mr. B, I understand you have a lot of positions open in your computer science labs and I’m looking for a job.”

Being pretty quick on the uptake, I immediately recognize it’s not only all the potential danger, but the fact that this is a lawsuit (maybe arrest) waiting to happen.

Apparently the quick pause that I took made her think she should move onto the next step…

She says “I’m gonna close this door….” (As she reaches over toward my door. I realize she’s probably not wearing underwear, or has the smallest thong on that‘s humanly possible, as her butt cheeks are out.)

….and she reaches to close my office door.

<Warning Will Robinson, Warning.>. (Yes, that shows was on reruns when I was a kid.)

Me: “Hold on a second… Don’t close my office door., yet” (Gotta give her a little hope… bahahaha)

I pick up the phone on my desk and I called over to the nearest computer lab down the hallway. I told my lead graduate assistant to come over to my office. “Suchita, please have a seat, I need to speak with you about the schedule.”

(I can see the gears working in the young woman’s mind trying to figure out whether I’m gonna fire this lady, so she could work there, or if something else is going on. Technically, I think I sent a very few confusing signals…)

To the young lady “Miss, we are currently staffed up for this half of the year. [she gives me the pouty face]. As such, we don’t have any current job openings. That being said, I’m gonna send you over to Bob P., the man who runs the rest of the computer spaces for general students at the university. He typically has a ton of job openings, and I’d start there. For us, if you want to come back sometime in the summer so that you can get on the list for the Fall, that’d be the way to go.”

The kid blinks a bunch of times, leaves, and proceeds to go over toward Bob’s office in another building.

Meanwhile, I pick up the phone and I called Bob…

”Bob, holy shit, you’ll never believe what just happened… but I’ll tell you about that later. More than likely, you’ll figure it out when you call me back. I just sent a young woman over to your office. Make sure you have one of your people sitting in your office in the next come over and ask you for a job. I’m not kidding, do exactly what I tell you.”

(Bob and I are more peers and the reality is that we have a lot of trust.)

I get a telephone call back about 20 minutes later:

”You’re an asshole.”

I start laughing.

Bob: “Dude you could’ve warned me at least a little bit. I’m not even sure it’s legal to wear clothes like that in Teaneck!”

I’m just laughing… in the back of my mind I am wondering for what reason someone will be that desperate as to want a $10 an hour job, and to be potentially willing to screw someone to get it.

Don’t give me wrong, she was a very attractive young lady… But who isn’t at the age of 19/20 years old.

 

[Bantam1]

Back in my mechanic days in the late 90's I worked at a Toyota dealership. It was a slow day so one of the other techs I was friends with and I were sitting in the A/C bullshitting with some of the service writers. All of a sudden a gold Corolla comes barreling in listing to the drivers side. A very large female (best guess around 400 pounds) jumps out and starts claiming her car is going to blow up. She was in full panic mode. The writer walks out to talk to her and the other tech and I walk out to look at the car.

In her panic she states the car is going to blow up and it's "shaking" and "rumbling". I walk to the drivers door and the other guy on the passenger side. As soon as we open the door you can hear the noise. It sounds like something vibrating against metal and plastic. I lean in and can feel it in the seat. I start looking under the seat thinking maybe it's a power seat and the motor is running constant and the gear is broken. The other guy reaches under his seat and finds a plastic bag. He said he could feel it in the other seat too. We discussed maybe power seat motor wrapped the bag causing the issue. He proceeds to pull the bag but it's hung up on the seat track. He gives it a strong tug towards him (towards the front of the vehicle) and the bag tears and this giant black vibrator flies out and hits the dash. Easily a foot long and big diameter in the shape of a vainy dick. It bounces off the dash and lands on the drivers seat in front of me. It was buzzing away and moving all over the place. It must have been powered by several D batteries, or plutonium. It was wildly buzzing and moving, almost bouncing on the seat. We both jumped back in shock and look at the land whale who was still panicking until she had seen the dildo/vibrator on the seat. She goes silent and then turns red and says "I didn't know they came with batteries in them".

She waddles back to her car, sits down on top of said vibrator, closes her door and leaves just as quickly as she arrives. As soon as she broke clear of the service drive we all just busted up in hysterical laughter. She never came back again while I worked there. I'll never forget that and hope to never see something like that again.

 

[turbo_bird]

I don't really have any stories to tell, but my wife works at a Honda/KTM/Can-Am dealer. The general manager is homeless and lives in an RV, and talks about how he needs a wife to look after him. The chick that looks after the online ordering is some tiny blonde that was hanging off one of the other employees at the company Christmas party. The previous general manager at the same Christmas party, as we were leaving, told my wife that she hoped we went back to our room and had lots of hot sex that night. Some new woman they hired in parts that managed to convince everyone she knew everything and had tons of experience before getting hired is completely incompetent and any time someone asks her to do something, she says she doesn't know how that works. The service, sales, and parts departments seem to always be fighting about something. It's entertaining at least.

I can't keep the stories she tells me straight, but it reminds me of a blog I used to read back in about the early 2000's, about a powersports dealer somewhere in the USA. I wish I could find that blog again to show her. There was a chain of dealerships in the blog, all reporting to a head office that the writer refered to as the mothership, very similar to where my wife works now.
Kristian

 

[ironman56]

Ironworker story , the crew is working out of town and staying in a motel 6 in oak cliff, a suburb of Dallas, predominantly black, anyway this motel 6 doesn't have doors that open to the parking lot ,they open to a central hallway and you exit at the ends to get to the parking lot , so after working 10 hrs and getting some dinner and a shower it's late 10pm , and I'm trying to go to sleep , about 2am I hear noises near my truck , get up look out my widow and there's a pimpmoblie double parked in front of my truck and the pimp is leaning on the hood of his Cadillac jawboning with one of his hoes , so I watch this shit for a while, keep trying to go back to sleep with no luck, finally the crew gets up and we leave at 6am , I get to my truck and the pimpmoblie is still blocking me in ,I had backed in so my front bumper with big brush guard is facing his back bumper , I put the Ford 1ton in granny low and start pushing the Cadillac out of my way , could have stopped after 10ft but I was passed so I pushed it across the parking lot and into a fence, later that morning the owner of the company went to the motel to pay our bill , he said there was some pimp in the lobby raising hell about his car being fucked up , the whole crew cracked up laughing.