Maggie’s sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

chevyrulz

chevyrulz

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Full Member
Minuteman
Oct 7, 2008
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#1
How many men does it take to open a beer?










None. It should be open when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?











Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?















It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?













When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

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How do you fix a woman's watch?



















You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
















The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.















It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?




















They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men
















until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
#8
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Cuz they're ugly and they stink!



What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nuttin. You already told her twice!
 
#11
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult.
To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Feed him
2. **** him
3. Shut up.


... what more do we ask for?
 
#12
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he tates, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
 
#13
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth, Ruined the whole damn thing.
 
#14
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY
I missed an enormous 10-point buck this morning. I can't shoot worth a damn anymore; maybe my eyesight is getting bad?

Got laid though!
 
#15
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

The Lord came to Adam in the Garden of Eden and told him that he was gonna make Adam a companion. She's gonna clean your house, wash your clothes, make good 'ol cat head buttermilk biscuits, make love, and so on. God said I'll call her woman. Adam says, that sounds purdy good! What's she gonna cost me Lord? The Lord replies, an arm and a leg. Adam scratched his head for a moment and said, what can I get for a rib?
 
#16
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

So God decides to go see how Adam and Eve are doing, down there in the Garden of Eden. When He finds Adam, Adam is alone. Adam sees God and jumps a mile.

God: "Adam, what's wrong? I made you , and I know something has happened."
Adam: "Well, you know that one fruit you told us not to eat?"
God: "Yes, Adam, please tell me you did not eat the fruit."
Adam: "We did, she tempted me and I could not help my self."
God "There's more, isn't there? What happened next?"
Adam: "Well, suddenly I noticed that Eve is, well, different. She has curves and bumps and things, and smells good."
God: "You didn't."
Adam: "We did."
God: "Well, that's great. I gave you this wonderful Garden, and now I am going to kick you out of it. Where's Eve?"
Adam: "She's down at the river, bathing."







God: "Awww, I'm never going to get the smell out of the fish!"




1911fan
 
#18
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
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> Wine her.
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> Dine her.
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> Call her.
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> Hold her.
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> Surprise her.
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> Compliment her.
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> Smile at her.
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> Listen to her.
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> Laugh with her.
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> Cry with her.
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> Romance her.
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> Encourage her.
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> Believe in her.
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> Pray with her.
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> Pray for her.
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> Cuddle with her.
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> Shop with her.
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> Give her jewelry.
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> Buy her flowers.
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> Hold her hand.
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> Write love letters to her.
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> Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
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> HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
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> Show up naked.
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> Bring chicken wings.
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> Don't block the TV.



Mike
 
#19
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Dear Meg,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Meg." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Erie House and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Meg? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Meg , I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can
hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Meg ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a girl and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Meg, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Meg. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

If not then tell me where the **** remote is.

Love, Jimmy
 
#20
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Sh*t."
 
#21
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

When a woman wears leather clothing,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck.
 
#22
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it? "she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied,

"Mission accomplished."
 
#23
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A wife is looking the mirror and isn't too pleased. She says to her husband "I feel fat and ugly. Give me a compliment, and be honest."

He replies "You have near perfect eyesight."
 
#25
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

How many male chauvenests does it take to change a light bulb?



NONE! If those damn lazy ass women would do it themselves!


Why is the bride smiling when she's walking down the aisle??

Because she knows that she's gave her last b.j.
 
#26
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

This thread is funny as hell. My wife didn't think it was that funny when she heard me laughing and came over and started reading over my shouder, LMAO
 
#27
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

At the second annual International Feminist Organisation meeting held in London the host speaker addresses the crowd of thousands from all over the world.

“Ladies, at the conclusion of last years meeting I instructed you all to return to your own countries and inform your husbands that you would no longer be a slave to the home. That no longer would you do the cooking, the cleaning or the ironing!”
“Now I would like to hear from some of you as to how the last year has gone.”
“Yes, you there.”

“Bonjour, my name is Monica. I am from Paris, France. Last year I told my husband Peire that I would no longer be doing the ironing!
After one week, I see nothing.
After two weeks, I see nothing.
After three weeks, I see that he has done all the ironing himself and has been doing so ever since!”

The crowd erupt into tremendous applause. The host continues.
“Thank you Monica, you are an inspiration to us all. Another please, yes you there.”

“Hello, my name is Linda. I am from London, England. Last year I told my husband George that I would no longer be doing the ironing or the cleaning!
After one week, I see nothing.
After two weeks, I see nothing.
After three weeks, I see that he has done all the cleaning himself and has been doing so ever since!”

The crowd again erupt into tremendous applause. The host continues.
“Thank you Linda, you are also an inspiration to us all. Another please, yes you there.”

“Hello, my name is Mary. I am from Dublin, Ireland. Last year I told my husband Paddy that I would no longer be doing the ironing, the cleaning or the cooking!
After one week, I see nothing.
After two weeks, I see nothing.
After three weeks, I see a little out of my left eye.
 
#28
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

what does a room full of abused and battered women have in common?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they just won't F---ing listen!!!!!!!!!
 
#29
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the abused wife's clinic?


??

The dishes if she knows what's good for her!
 
#31
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Sled Dog</div><div class="ubbcode-body">So wrong....yet so funny. </div></div>

Wrong, there's nothing wrong with a woman knowing her place in a relationship. LOL

Just kidding ladies!
 
#32
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

I've finally figured out what women want...

they want companionship, affection and a certain degree of leadership, with submission, and a sort of pre-emptive empathy and you know.. general telepathy..

It's no big deal..
 
#33
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little annoyed, Satan asked, "Well, why the Hell aren't you afraid of me?

"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
 
#34
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry Has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds Attractive on a man can differ depending on where she Is in her menstrual cycle.

For example:
If she is Ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged andMasculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, Or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled.
 
#35
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

A guy strikes up a conversation with an attractive woman in a bar. Things go along well enough but they get to a point where the woman makes it clear that she will not sleep with him.

As she explains: " I'm keeping myself pure for the man I will truly love".

The guy says: " That must be difficult, as a young and attractive woman to deprive yourself of a sex life".

The woman says: " Not really, because I truly believe that will be best in the long run. I do have to admit that it pisses off my husband".
 
#36
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................Fork off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
 
#37
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight,one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.

The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

There is to be absolutely no talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
-------------------------------------------

THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle BEAM FLASHED out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it's pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic WHO'S attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no, WHAT AM I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
B*tch

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - wh*re.

(TEACHER)
A+ ......... I really liked this one.
 
#39
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: sniper4u</div><div class="ubbcode-body">what does a room full of abused and battered women have in common?????????

they just won't F---ing listen!!!!!!!!! </div></div>

Dude... how about taking a question mark, or twenty, out of that one.

I've got a 22" monitor, set to 1680x1050 and I have to scroll wayyyyy to the right.
 
#40
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ufgators68</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: sniper4u</div><div class="ubbcode-body">what does a room full of abused and battered women have in common?????????

they just won't F---ing listen!!!!!!!!! </div></div>

Dude... how about taking a question mark, or twenty, out of that one.

I've got a 22" monitor, set to 1680x1050 and I have to scroll wayyyyy to the right.</div></div>

I fixed it.....
 
#41
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: jasonk</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
I fixed it..... </div></div>

Much better! Thanks.
 
#43
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish............................ .49
Adventurous........... Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking...................Mooooooo.
Beautiful....................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure..............On medication.
Feminist..............................Fat.
Free spirit...........................Junkie.
Friendship first....................Former slut.
New-Age.......................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned....................! .No BJs.
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing......... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.......................B*tch.
Voluptuous.......................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate................Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with with that outfit = I'm gay
 
#44
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

This new trend is becoming the hot ticket on the west coast

men are paying up to five figures to get this new piercing for their wives!

unknown.jpg
 
#45
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!"

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"
 
#46
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.


All of a sudden Thibodeaux turns to Boudreaux and says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife... she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."


Boudreaux sips his beer and replies, "You better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
 
#47
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this household knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past TEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.

WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THIS HOUSE...THIS HOUSE!! ....IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.... HOUSE . . . . .
 
#48
Re: sexist/male chauvinistic jokes

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SwampFox</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight,one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.

The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

There is to be absolutely no talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
-------------------------------------------

THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle BEAM FLASHED out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it's pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic WHO'S attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no, WHAT AM I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
B*tch

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - wh*re.

(TEACHER)
A+ ......... I really liked this one.

</div></div>best one yet. bravo!


edit:

this-guy-demotivational-poster-1222176362.jpg

 
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