Maggie’s Talks you have had with your kids...

[The King]

Who wants to share some of the talks they have had with their kids? I'll start off.

I came home and went downstairs to greet my son. When I looked at his door, there was this odd mark on it. Frankly, that mark looked exactly like a big shitty dick mark. Like someone had slapped a big nasty shit covered cock against the white door at about dick level.

I pull my son aside and start in on my Dr. Deadpan's Serious Face session.

"Son, I just want to start off by saying that whatever happened I'm sorry. It doesn't matter what he told you, you can talk to me about it. I know it must hurt, both emotionally and physically, but we need to take the appropriate steps to bring this man to justice."

He gets a confused look on his face so I elaborate.

"Judging by the fact that the dick mark was left when he entered your room, its obvious he had a busy night before he came into your room. Oh god, I'm sorry son. I shouldn't have said the words 'Came into'. Lets just get you down to the hospital for some stitches and an HIV test. We'll go from there and see what the police want to do..."

He goes out and looks at his door and says "Oh Jesus....WTF is that!" I decide that it was time to give up on the serious face....or not.

"Do you mean you slept through it son? Did you eat a lot of spicy tacos or something and can no longer tell the difference between a bit of fiery night diarrhea and horrifying anal penetration?"

"God damnit dad!"

Parenting at its finest.

 

[bidet]

After seeing this, I had to explain to my daughter that you can indeed get pregnant through anal sex. After all, how did she think we ended up with so manylawyers and politicians?

 

[Dougie308]

My son (21 now) has a form of autish called Aspbergers Syndrome which causes him to become hyper focused on some subjects and to completely ignore others. So I have had a number of "talks" ranging from the need to maintain one's hygiene and appearance to why it is bad thing to set the neighbor's fence on fire with a magnifying glass. The "talk" that hasn't taken hold yet is why people get mad at you for telling them they're stupid.

 

[rkgsmith]

My 2 girls are only 10 and 8 so I'm making them aware who is a "Dirty" or "Mope" as we like to call them. When we drive by the projects I tell them that's a mope village.

 

[168BTHPM]

This isn't a discussion with one of my kids, rather with the first boy that came over to take my oldest daughter to the movies.

I heard him coming when he was 3 blocks away with his Oompa Loopma hip hop fuckwad music cranked up on his stereo. He parked diagonally in my driveway blocking in both of our cars with is little turd Honda Civic. When he knocked on the door I answered and said "Hello" his response was "Yo". He was wearing his pants so low the waist line was below his crotch, he had on a white tank top, his hat was on backwards and his name was tattooed on his neck (at least I think it was his name). I asked my wife to make sure my daughter didn't come outside right away then I stepped out on the front porch with fuck face and closed the door behind me.

I asked him if he had ever had the birds and the bees and the baseball bat talk with anyone before. He said he knew what the birds and bees were but wanted to know what a baseball bat had to do with it. I told him I was going to use one of my baseball bats to break every fucking bone in his body if I ever heard about him having any birds and bees activity with my daughter. His response was "Yah sure, right, whatever." I stepped so close to him he could feel the heat of my breath and told him if he didn't get in his car right now and leave no human would ever see his body again. He left.

My daughter came running out when she heard him drive off with his Oompa Loompa music blasting and wanted to know why he left. I told her he had a decision to make and he chose life, so I took her to the movies instead.

 

[tnichols]

With my 14 year old daughter, nearly every conversation, text, email, etc...ends with, "Make good decisions".

 

[bogeybrown]

I don't have kids, but my old man only really gave me two pieces of formal advice:

If you get a girl pregnant, don't marry her. Take care of your responsibility and be the best father you can under the circumstances, but by no means marry the mother. You'll regret it, look at me and your uncle who both had to do it (his first marriage)

I know you're a daredevil and think you're bulletproof, but don't fuck up your back. Nothing will ruin your later life more than messing up your back as a young man.

I managed to go 50/50 on following that advice.


The "talk" I had with my nieces, who's "father" is a worthless POS:

At this point in your life there is absolutely nothing you can do to ensure your success in life, but there's plenty of shit you can do to ensure your failure. Two things that can rob you of your life before it even begins are drugs and the wrong "friends". If you don't respect yourself then don't expect anyone else to. If you'd be too ashamed to tell me you did something, then that should be a huge fucking clue that you shouldn't do it.

Both of them made it through high school with zero major issues. One of those girls ended up with a full ride to Harvard and graduated with honors. The other is in a Dental Hygiene program. Both have reached out and thanked me for being there for them when they needed a man to talk to. They're as close as I'll ever get to kids and I couldn't be prouder of them.

 

[Cartman]

"The Talk"

Black version:
http://articles.orlandosentinel.com...323_1_black-parents-survival-guide-wrong-word

White version:
http://takimag.com/article/the_talk_nonblack_version_john_derbyshire#axzz1rBeqdcIl

 

[2ndamendfan]

168bthbpm, I never had to have that talk with my daughter's date(s) cause she knew from our talks together not to bring a looser to my house. We have a clear understanding of what a looser is.

BoogyBrown- great advice to your nieces

 

[Maser]

Well, my wife and I allow our kids to cuss and play violent video games and watch violent movies. Oddly we haven't had to have any talks about the violence because even at their young age they know it's just for fun and not real. The cussing on the other hand did require a bit of talking because we had to let the know that while as a rule we allow them to cuss in our house, not everyone else shares the same rule. So for the most part they get it and have never gotten in trouble for cussing at school so obviously it set in with them. I do get a bit of heat from other parents about it who think it's not a good idea, but my wife and I don't believe in making our kids scared of simple words. As for the violent video games, my kids spend more time playing outside than inside playing video games, so video games aren't even that big of a part of their lives. Besides I'd much rather my kids play M-rated games that are entertaining for us all rather than the douchey family friendly Nintendo games that have ear piercing voice acting and sound effects.

 

[diverdon]

My son (21 now) has a form of autish called Aspbergers Syndrome which causes him to become hyper focused on some subjects and to completely ignore others. So I have had a number of "talks" ranging from the need to maintain one's hygiene and appearance to why it is bad thing to set the neighbor's fence on fire with a magnifying glass. The "talk" that hasn't taken hold yet is why people get mad at you for telling them they're stupid.

Try telling him the truth. Stupid people are easily angered because they lack the intellect needed to develope adult self control.

 

[rifleman1981]

My last encounter with my 8 year old was fairly depressing, we were in the barber shop and he sat in the chair and our barber said son, how do you want your hair cut today, I was all smiles whenever he said cut it short just like dads, in fact I was practically beaming up to the point that he looked up at the barber and said wait, your not gonna cut bald spots in my head like you do my dads are you, I don't want any of those! Mouthy litte shit anyhow.........

 

[Alphatreedog]

My daughter had had a few talks to date but the best one never even occurred . She came walking up the street from the bus stop with a boy in tow . Mind you she was sixteen . I was in the front yard cleaning out flower beds . As they approached the font yard I could hear her tell him " don't make eye contact , he will kill you . " Brought a tear to my eye . The best talk I ever got from my Dad was that at the end of the day all you have is your name and your family . Don't damage either one and you'll be ok . My Dad was no boy scout but he is the straightest arrow that I've ever met next to my uncle Ray . I am blessed beyond words at having two men in my life who modeled what it is to be a real man .

 

[kabarNC]

From my 5 yr old son yesterday: "Dad, how does God hunt deer?" Gotta love the South..

 

[sierracharlie338]

My daughter had had a few talks to date but the best one never even occurred . She came walking up the street from the bus stop with a boy in tow . Mind you she was sixteen . I was in the front yard cleaning out flower beds . As they approached the font yard I could hear her tell him " don't make eye contact , he will kill you . " Brought a tear to my eye . The best talk I ever got from my Dad was that at the end of the day all you have is your name and your family . Don't damage either one and you'll be ok . My Dad was no boy scout but he is the straightest arrow that I've ever met next to my uncle Ray . I am blessed beyond words at having two men in my life who modeled what it is to be a real man .

Great post start to finish!







Sierracharlie338....

 

[2ndamendfan]

A couple of phrases i have repeated from time to time.
"Work hard now or work harder later"
when she finished elementary school "hope you enjoyed it, that is the last recess you will ever get. Just work from here on out"

Those might sound harsh (to people outside of here) but let me tell you she grasped it and all through Jr high and high school she did her work first before anything else. Finished 9th in her class out of 588. Started college and it is the same, kicking ass and taking names. I am sure she will be HMFIC someday.

PS. she is getting the benefit of "work hard now or work harder later" when she registered for college the first time she was listed as a junior. She gets to pick her classes ahead of the Freshmen and Sophomores. Ahead of most of her friends. She should have her BS in 2ish years. And hopefully her Masters in under 2 more.

 

[TimK]

To both my kids (ages 4 and 8), "Chew, swallow, then speak."

I estimated the other day I've said it somewhere in the neighborhood of 15,000 times.

The other day my wife asked the 8 yr old a question while her mouth was full. To our delight, she held up a finger in the universal "wait" sign until she could swallow. I figure I'll need at least another 10,000 repetitions with the boy.

 

[Cartman]

A couple of phrases i have repeated from time to time.
"Work hard now or work harder later"
when she finished elementary school "hope you enjoyed it, that is the last recess you will ever get. Just work from here on out"

Those might sound harsh (to people outside of here) but let me tell you she grasped it and all through Jr high and high school she did her work first before anything else. Finished 9th in her class out of 588. Started college and it is the same, kicking ass and taking names. I am sure she will be HMFIC someday.

PS. she is getting the benefit of "work hard now or work harder later" when she registered for college the first time she was listed as a junior. She gets to pick her classes ahead of the Freshmen and Sophomores. Ahead of most of her friends. She should have her BS in 2ish years. And hopefully her Masters in under 2 more.

Great post.
I homeschool my little girl. Since about age three she hears this on a daily basis: "Everyone has a job to do. Everyone works. Your job is to learn. Be strong. Let's do our jobs."
It too probably sounds incredibly mean to someone who believes in giving 14 year olds participation ribbons when they lose. But our child adores us and is not only a strong reader at age five, but has worked equations solving for x. There's not a public school in the country that can provide that. Actually, she wouldn't even be starting kindergarten until this fall.
I can't recommend homeschooling strongly enough. Not to mention the traditional American values of hard work and delayed gratification.

As a humourous aside: When I turned 21 my mother said "son, I'm not going to lie; it's downhill from here."

 

[Jimmay]

There's been no subject off limits with my kids whether its drugs, sex, laughing at retards and then explaining why its bad to laugh at real downs syndrome inflicted and the difference. Well I found out that my sons friend Matt (15 at the time) asked my daughter (12 at the time) to be his girlfriend after about an hour of him asking. I rushed home and my son, Matt and my daughter were working on the fourwheelers in the garage. I pointed at Matt and told him to come inside alone. I pulled up every law that pertains to having sex with someone under the age of 14 and made him read it out loud to me. I asked him if he completely understood what those laws meant and he said he did. My words to him were" If the law doesn't take you immediately, you will never be found, understand?" He shakes his head yes. "If you even look at my daughter like you want to hold her hand I will place you into 20 different unmarked crab traps, understand?" Shakes his head yes. "Do you realize that you disrespected her, her mother and myself by trying to hide this" Shakes his head no, so I explained it to the fatherless boy. He looked at me and apologized for disrespecting the family. "get out of here and help with the four wheelers and send Sarah in here. Sarah shows up. "Do you think he's a good guy?" "Sometimes" she said. SHe then proceeded "I know that he was supposed to come talk to you but he was scared and didn't want to but I told him he should anyway." I'm like " Well, he didn't and he didn't abide by what you thought was right did he?" "no sir" she said. "Well, if you don't want him to disappear then don't see him as a boyfriend anymore" Her eyes got real big!

2 weeks later a respectable 12 year old boy comes knocking on the door asking for me and introduces himself. I knew he was scared shitless so I just laid down the rules, asked if he could follow them and didn't grill him to hard. I just got his personal info, address, phone number, parents phone numbers, date of birth etc... I then passed off the questioning to Sarah's 3 friends that were there LOL.