Do you have any of these tools?
SNAP-RING PLIER:
A special pliers used to propel snap-rings from
the part you are working on to the farthest, darkest,
spider inhabited recesses of the garage.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting your freshly-painted vintage car
(or boat or airplane) which you had carefully parked
in the corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing
could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
finger prints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes usedin the
creation of blood blisters.
CRESCENT WRENCH:
Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of pliers.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completelyround-off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in
your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobileto the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped
hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps
neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily
fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans.Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping cartons
delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on the
contents of the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records,
caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using
the knife or anyone standing next to that person.
SNAP-RING PLIER:
A special pliers used to propel snap-rings from
the part you are working on to the farthest, darkest,
spider inhabited recesses of the garage.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting your freshly-painted vintage car
(or boat or airplane) which you had carefully parked
in the corner of the shop (or hangar) where nothing
could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
finger prints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes usedin the
creation of blood blisters.
CRESCENT WRENCH:
Used to prepare a bolt head for the application of pliers.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completelyround-off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in
your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobileto the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped
hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps
neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily
fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect from the engine being removed.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans.Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through cardboard shipping cartons
delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on the
contents of the carton such as seats, collector vinyl records,
caustic/flammable/difficult to clean up liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing the work clothes of the person using
the knife or anyone standing next to that person.
