Another question about aging parents

LuckyDuck

LuckyDuck

Old Salt
Full Member
Minuteman
    • Nov 4, 2020
    2,972
    9,502
    Pennsylvania
    #1
    Hello Hide,

    I think this is the 3rd time I've broached this subject within the past year but feel like I've somehow fucked up again.

    My father recently celebrated a birthday (a celebration I wasn't invited to despite living "close enough") that entered him into a new decade. I completely blew it in that regard- I thought the milestone birthday was next year but... nope.

    I'm the eldest of 3 siblings, everyone else lives across other states (and we couldn't have pulled off bringing everyone together at the point). That said- I feel somewhat obligated to direct these type of things and corral my brothers/sisters but frankly I don't know how old even I am at this point without asking my wife let alone how old my parents are. Not offering that as an excuse either- just an explanation of where I'm at.

    As I mentioned, I can't help but feel like an unspoken expectation falls on me as the eldest child (far from the favorite child) to rally my siblings into having a later celebration for our father. But I'm not gaining much ground there (and before anyone asks he was as good a father as he could be-no issues there, if I would hazard a guess, it's just dang expensive to pull off a celebration is all and everyone is/has been struggling in their own ways.

    So that all said (and yes I tend to be lengthy in my posts), one of the things that really bothers me is I don't recall this particular struggle ever being a 'thing' decades ago. Growing up- we always knew we'd go to my grandparents (about an hour or so away from my childhood house) for 'lesser' holidays like Father's Day/ Mother's Day/ Memorial Day/ Veterans Day/ etc and the more "important" holidays such as Easter & Christmas the grandparents would visit their children's houses (but you better believe everyone would visit their house around that time too).

    I can't speak for anyone else- but I can't help but believe my own father has the same expectations but the "realities/differences" exist that their kids cast a much wider net than his own siblings did. A long trek home was a 2 hours drive but now it's a plane ticket for the children and their families (TL/DR: thousands of dollars to bring their own families back to "home base").

    Anywho- I'm just venting and complaining that I feel that as the eldest child & closest living child I was supposed to make this particular birthday about 10 degrees better than it ended up being (and didn't) It just seemed a lot simpler even 30 years ago on what was expected and what was done but the rules seemed to change rather drastically and I'm still waiting on the updated playbook.

    -LD
     
    #3
    Makinchips208 said:
    Give him a gift and maybe spend some time doing something special with him.

    If the others cant or wont do anything, then that isn't your problem. Adults gotta adult.
    Click to expand...
    I think that's what I'm struggling with- I completely missed the mark on the milestone birthday but can't seem to "connect the dots" why it was so easy when my parents/aunts/uncles were able to keep track of this type of thing and handle it so... almost seamlessly(?)

    -LD
     
    #4
    Probably too much time in the bear pit?

    I know thats one of my many faults. That and work like 40.5 hours per week, and i forget many things. So i got to use reminders and check the calendar in my phone often.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: Modoc
    #5
    Makinchips208 said:
    Probably too much time in the bear pit?

    I know thats one of my many faults. That and work like 40.5 hours per week, and i forget many things. So i got to use reminders and check the calendar in my phone often.
    Click to expand...
    There's a lot of very good people here- I just did a quick check since you brought it up, if the stats are to be trusted there's 1200 people reading the forums here at the present moment/ 300 are registered members and 900 guests. That's just tonight/right now.

    Digging into the statistics (just the way my brain works) again if what's presented is accurate- there's roughly 206K registered members here on the Hide.

    I'm "popular" here for a multitude of reasons but even my own personal fan club is... at most 12 vocal members here. So I'll let you do the math but let's say I've got 12 folks that don't care for me- out of 200K (conservatively) that's what... .00006% disapproval rating which would equate to a 99.99994% approval? Kind of wild when you think of it that way don't ya think?

    -LD
     
    #6
    LuckyDuck said:
    There's a lot of very good people here- I just did a quick check since you brought it up, if the stats are to be trusted there's 1200 people reading the forums here at the present moment/ 300 are registered members and 900 guests. That's just tonight/right now.

    Digging into the statistics (just the way my brain works) again if what's presented is accurate- there's roughly 206K registered members here on the Hide.

    I'm "popular" here for a multitude of reasons but even my own personal fan club is... at most 12 vocal members here. So I'll let you do the math but let's say I've got 12 folks that don't care for me- out of 200K (conservatively) that's what... .00006% disapproval rating which would equate to a 99.99994% approval? Kind of wild when you think of it that way don't ya think?

    -LD
    Click to expand...
    Haha! 99.99994% approval rating is really good. Does that factor in the siblings disapproval? regardless, your score is already so high that their disapproval wouldn't matter. 😁
     
    #7
    Makinchips208 said:
    Haha! 99.99994% approval rating is really good. Does that factor in the siblings disapproval? regardless, your score is already so high that their disapproval wouldn't matter. 😁
    Click to expand...
    Hah- still working on the sibling ratings lol.

    My point is though- "someone" should make the effort to set up a celebration for when our parents hit certain ages/decades. I should have been "adulting" long enough to know who does what/what the expectations are but I somehow missed the manual here that was given to the previous generation.

    It seems like the world has changed, the rules have changed, but somewhere along the line I know there is still a demarcation point when parents stop planning birthday parties for their children and their children start planning birthday parties for their parents but I don't know when that is (although I'm sure we're past it) and how does one pull it off when their siblings are spread out across the country and requires booking flights for not only them but also their families?

    At some point- someone has to arrange a "happy ##th birthday" but the cumulative cost of getting everyone together is easily 10's of thousands of dollars when all is said and done for the most basic of get togethers to bring everyone into one place to eat a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting only to go home a day or two later.

    Not even arguing that it isn't "worth it" but good golly- it's uncharted waters for me at least on how to tackle it.

    -LD
     
    Last edited:
    • Like
    Reactions: Makinchips208
    #9
    Smokeshot said:
    Why weren’t you invited?

    Plan a fishing trip or whatever he likes to do. My Dad couldn’t give two shits about me and that bridge has burned. If you have a good bond with your father, just call him and talk to him.
    Click to expand...
    Fair question- I asked that myself honestly- they just assumed we'd be too busy is what I was told.

    On the fishing trip- the Outdoor Show just closed here on Sunday actually, you might be shocked to learn what a planned fishing trip would cost.
     
    #10
    LuckyDuck said:
    Fair question- I asked that myself honestly- they just assumed we'd be too busy is what I was told.
    Click to expand...
    That’s sad man. If he drinks, just grab a 12 pack or whatever and go see him this weekend. You could try local ponds or lakes. If that’s not an option, grab some beer or bourbon, grill some ribeyes or sirloins or t-bones (my fav), hit the range maybe?
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck and Makinchips208
    #11
    Just my opinion and I don’t mean this to be rude, but if your siblings decided to move halfway across the country then I wouldn’t give any worry to what they are doing. If you’re still close to your dad then just make it a point to go hang with him for a day on or around his birthday. If it happens to be a milestone but you didn’t remember it then I’m sure he won’t hold that against you, especially if you’re close. @Makinchips208 and I lost our dad at the age of 49. We were 20 and 22 respectively. Our youngest brother was 17. We were each close to dad in different ways and now even after almost 23 years we all still think of him often and miss him all the time. Birthdays are just another day in many ways. Don’t worry about the so called rule book. Just make your own rules regarding celebrations etc and enjoy every moment you have together. Eventually you end up having your last celebration together and life changes again.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck, camotoe and Makinchips208
    #12
    If I'm understanding this correctly, you think you should have to pay for your siblings and their families to travel to a get together?

    Fuck that. They can pay their own way. No reason you should have to cover travel expenses.

    Like was said above, if you and your dad are close, just spend some time with him doing what he enjoys.

    If you aren't close, then I don't know. I'm not close with mine at all, so I got nothing on that respect.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck
    #14
    LuckyDuck said:
    There's a lot of very good people here- I just did a quick check since you brought it up, if the stats are to be trusted there's 1200 people reading the forums here at the present moment/ 300 are registered members and 900 guests. That's just tonight/right now.

    Digging into the statistics (just the way my brain works) again if what's presented is accurate- there's roughly 206K registered members here on the Hide.

    I'm "popular" here for a multitude of reasons but even my own personal fan club is... at most 12 vocal members here. So I'll let you do the math but let's say I've got 12 folks that don't care for me- out of 200K (conservatively) that's what... .00006% disapproval rating which would equate to a 99.99994% approval? Kind of wild when you think of it that way don't ya think?

    -LD
    Click to expand...
    @DocRDS can we get a statistical analysis on these numbers? I'm calling BS!
     
    • Haha
    Reactions: doubloon
    #15
    What decade it makes a difference to us? I called my Dad that were important to us Pearl Harbor Day, he was there, birthday, and holidays.
    We made periodical visits which worked because holidays can be stressful for everyone, just my 2,. I was at his bedside in the hospital when he passed and he knew I think. So if missing a birthday causes concern, make it up, no big deal. None holiday/birthday visits sometimes work better.
    Stay connected. BTW I am 77 so I can give this.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: 260284 and Makinchips208
    #16
    I have several friends with “elderly” (80 and 90 range)parents with horror stories regarding scams, issues with houses, driving, etc. Some of their children are too busy to help. So it has me thinking at what point do I involve them in my finances. Being MEN we ain’t going to let go easily! (94 year old friend still drives!)
    But at some point I hope my children will give me counsel and maybe I’ll listen. I would try to fix or strengthen the relationship, and be available to help where allowed.
    Obviously it’s up to you to figure out how. (I am not a counselor!)
    BTW, I don’t have this problem - mine all died in their 50’s…
    As too celebration, if he is like most men, I doubt he cares for a party at all! I sure don’t!
     
    #18
    My family spread out too. We've gotten together for my father's birthday every year for decades now.

    Everyone pays their own way to visit. One of us picks up the celebration meal.

    You don't need to pay to bring people in. Just set a date and book a restaurant reservation and it's up to the other to make it in to town and pay their fair share. If they don't want to pay, then they don't come.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck
    #19
    Few differing opinions do take the one you can deal with personally. There is no correct way because no one knows your relationship. Maybe deep down you hate him etc

    1, you are the oldest, that comes with more responsibility..just the way it goes

    2, if there is a sister..this is her job. Proper parenting creates independent males, that’s why god made women.

    3…my personal opinion (again just me, but I’m more of a hard ass 99% of the time)…man the fuck up and take care of business.

    Your busy..that means your lazy or selfish

    You forget..that means your lazy or selfish

    Its too much money..I get it, then send a card on the correct day

    Everything you wrote can be taken care of by effort until dollars come into play

    Side note, anyone over 75 with non degenerate children should have estate planning set up. Not just for taxes but for the scam protection. 80 year olds should not have 100% control of their estate / money unless the children are losers

    My 2 cents
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck, camotoe and 260284
    #23
    Not sure how you forget in today’s world. I put all important dates in my cell phone calendar with reminders days and weeks ahead of time. I don’t forget unless I want to now!

    I wouldn’t worry to much about it, I’m getting old enough that I’d just like people to leave me alone on my birthday.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: greg1147 and LuckyDuck
    #24
    Dad and I were close. He passed right after his 65th birthday. We lived about 2 hours away and he came to visit us for all occasions - mostly to get time away from mom. And only if there was work to do- cut firewood, remodeling, fixing trucks, whatever lead to drinking beer and steaks on the grill for dinner. Only child here, so no worries about coordinating with other.

    My mom, on the other hand…. Her 80th birthday was a few years ago. Wife and I made several suggestions for a party for her, all rejected. I could tell she had an idea but wouldn’t tell us. Finally, she tells us she tells she booked a party at the local zoo. As you might guess, said party is geared towards 8 year olds, not 80. It was cringeworthy. Then she didn’t know I was right behind her and she told her friend that she had to pay for her own party- till I stepped forward to remind her we made several offers to host or pay for her party. I got the stink eye for that…

    Best I can suggest is just go spend time with him. Have a few beers and see what happens.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: 260284
    #26
    Makinchips208 said:
    I don’t think thats how debts work.
    Click to expand...

    It certainly is for the estate. You get to sell stuff until all the debts are paid and then keep whatever is leftover.

    LuckyDuck said:
    Fair question- I asked that myself honestly- they just assumed we'd be too busy is what I was told.

    On the fishing trip- the Outdoor Show just closed here on Sunday actually, you might be shocked to learn what a planned fishing trip would cost.
    Click to expand...


    If he doesn't give enough of a shit to invite you, he didn't need you there.

    It sounds more like you're expecting to be needed, and he doesn't need you.

    I thought you were old as dirt, so maybe he never even had a party and just made it up because he was embarrassed he forgot his own age?
     
    #28
    You live close, so you can be there and all you can control is you. You missed the milestone, thats shitty, but good news is, its not too late but it will be someday and good that you recognize. Learned a lesson, move on and fix it. Remember the you control you part...

    You can plan a date, provide that date to your siblings and if they can make it great, if they can't they can't. You can take it a step further by trying to find a date that works for everyone, but I assure you there likely isn't one. Its really not that hard to coordinate with people today, communication options are endless. The difference today is peoples priorities. Trust me, I know this first person, and you do not get the time back.

    So stop being lazy ass duck and do what you can to organize something. Set a date and go from there. I doubt your parents expect anything elaborate, just time with everyone together sharing a meal and sitting around shooting the shit. Thats likely all they want and hope for.
     
    Last edited:
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck
    #30
    Bullfrog08 said:
    @DocRDS can we get a statistical analysis on these numbers? I'm calling BS!
    Click to expand...
    Indeed its a common fallacy that "not disapproving" is the same as approving.

    If you are follower of the book "Black Swan Theory" then its the same idea that if you see a red car its proof that there are no black swans. (if all swans are white, and what you see is red and not a swan, that is evidence there are no black swans).

    aka Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

    Plus just because someone is registered doesn't mean they interact--indeed in my (limited) meetings with hide members in real life I have met only 2 who posted anything besides for sale stuff.
    HMFIC
    SSgt Taylor.

    P.S. You only win if everyone hates you. Gotta pump up those numbers!
    I still am not banned in several leagues so I got work to do.
     
    #31
    LuckyLuke80 said:
    Just my opinion and I don’t mean this to be rude, but if your siblings decided to move halfway across the country then I wouldn’t give any worry to what they are doing. If you’re still close to your dad then just make it a point to go hang with him for a day on or around his birthday. If it happens to be a milestone but you didn’t remember it then I’m sure he won’t hold that against you, especially if you’re close. @Makinchips208 and I lost our dad at the age of 49. We were 20 and 22 respectively. Our youngest brother was 17. We were each close to dad in different ways and now even after almost 23 years we all still think of him often and miss him all the time. Birthdays are just another day in many ways. Don’t worry about the so called rule book. Just make your own rules regarding celebrations etc and enjoy every moment you have together. Eventually you end up having your last celebration together and life changes again.
    Click to expand...
    For what it's worth- I really appreciated your post. I didn't perceive it as being rude by any means.

    Family- it's just what it is I suppose. I have a good Dad, one that was always conscious on being more involved than his own father but there's only so much that comprehension can stretch too.

    I talked to my siblings since my OP and I guess we're all in the same boat to be honest. We all knew it was his birthday and at least made the effort to wish him a good one but none of us seemed to grasp it was a "milestone" birthday either. It was never an intentional thing mind you but I think we're all feeling "sheepish" about it too. Present plan is we'll regroup- arrange travel and do something late this summer for his "half birthday". Possibly incorporate a pig roast element to it (heard him talking about wanting to do something like that for decades now). Might seem "half assed" at this point but corralling everyone together this is likely the best I can do (benefit of being the closest & eldest?).

    That all said- I'm sorry to hear that you lost your Dad so young. I can only imagine how my OP would come across to someone with your experience but I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts & experiences.

    -LD
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyLuke80
    #32
    JoshPutman said:
    If I'm understanding this correctly, you think you should have to pay for your siblings and their families to travel to a get together?

    Fuck that. They can pay their own way. No reason you should have to cover travel expenses.

    Like was said above, if you and your dad are close, just spend some time with him doing what he enjoys.

    If you aren't close, then I don't know. I'm not close with mine at all, so I got nothing on that respect.
    Click to expand...
    That's to be determined I guess. My brother is likely able to pay his (and his family's way) up from where they're living. My sister can likely cover her share in transportation as well.

    I'd likely have to arrange for a venue (and pay for that). I'd be looking at fire, legion and VFW halls since that's what I know so be it. Best idea I have at this point is to arrange for a pig roast since I've heard my Dad talking about wanting to do that for many years.

    It's not that I'm close or not close to my father- and I'm not sure if this will make any sense either, but he was always my "father", never my friend/confidant/advisor, just my father (and a good one at that). He's the type that would have always said that he's already given me everything & anything I ever needed (my name) and taught me the value of such.

    We never lacked food, clothes, or a "gentle hand" guiding us through childhood but once we hit a certain age- we were out on our own and were left to figure things out on our own so we didn't have the same... Mother's Day coconut cake get togethers that we grew up with regarding his parents when we were children is all.

    -LD
     
    #33
    DarnYankeeUSMC said:
    Meh, it won't be long before he has dementia and you can call him and tell him that you had a great time at his birthday party. He won't know that there wasn't a party and be just as happy as there was one
    Click to expand...
    I catch what you're throwing-

    It'd be funnier if I didn't have a (relatively) long experience dealing with dementia in my family and the topic being a little 'raw' with me because I fear that we're in the early stages of this with another family member.

    Not trying to be somber- just explaining why I might not be overly jovial with the dementia topic is all. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone.

    -LD
     
    #34
    34vld said:
    It shows that your family isnt as important to you as your own interests are. So if they arent important come here and tell us. If you want them to be important, tell them.
    Click to expand...
    I'm not trying to argue with you but curious why you feel that way is all?

    I know you didn't ask for this story but I'll share it otherwise- as an example I have a cousin that lives in a different state and her mother/my Aunt, is having all kinds of health issues. My Aunt is a widow and my cousin is their only child.

    That said- she lives in a different state (as previously mentioned) has her own career & children to look after but the reality of things is her mother/my Aunt has been slowly losing her ability to live alone and the past 2 years in particular has been horrific.

    My father and what's left of the siblings (my aunt being one of them) have often shared sentiments of how my cousin is able to support my aunt while living in a different state also saying terms such as "priorities" and needing to set "importance" to family members which in this case relates to my cousins mother/my aunt.

    My cousin and I seldom see eye to eye to be honest, but in this case, since her father passed she's constantly been bouncing between her mother's house and her house in a different state. She's got her own career she needs to work on for another 10-15 years by my estimate- she's got her son in school and dealing with that but keeps having to put that on hold/arrange childcare to come back to PA because of her mother's health problems. She might make that trip 50x a year in the past 12 months but it's always a story of her not "caring enough", not having her priorities straight, etc.

    Believe me it's freakin' tough- to have parents/a parent that has spent 70 years living independently and is no longer able to do so but them not yielding to that fact/not wanting to give up their home/move into assisted living care. I get it too- I really do.

    But before I ramble too much longer- who's right here? Is my cousin wrong/not prioritizing her family? Or does the whole situation just suck and we're all trying to do the best we can with what we have to work with?

    Not trying to be snarky either- if you haven't gone through this "adventure" then more power to you but I've been down this road quite a few times and it almost always ends... I'll say poorly. But if I'm being fair/honest- I really do think all we can do is the best we can and in these cases more often than not- that's what the family members strive towards but it's just an awful situation with no 'winners' to be found.

    -LD
     
    #35
    brianf said:
    Few differing opinions do take the one you can deal with personally. There is no correct way because no one knows your relationship. Maybe deep down you hate him etc

    1, you are the oldest, that comes with more responsibility..just the way it goes

    2, if there is a sister..this is her job. Proper parenting creates independent males, that’s why god made women.

    3…my personal opinion (again just me, but I’m more of a hard ass 99% of the time)…man the fuck up and take care of business.

    Your busy..that means your lazy or selfish

    You forget..that means your lazy or selfish

    Its too much money..I get it, then send a card on the correct day

    Everything you wrote can be taken care of by effort until dollars come into play

    Side note, anyone over 75 with non degenerate children should have estate planning set up. Not just for taxes but for the scam protection. 80 year olds should not have 100% control of their estate / money unless the children are losers

    My 2 cents
    Click to expand...
    Appreciate the response- I see where you were coming from and can agree with some of your points as well.

    -LD
     
    • Like
    Reactions: brianf
    #37
    Devildog said:
    Not sure how you forget in today’s world. I put all important dates in my cell phone calendar with reminders days and weeks ahead of time. I don’t forget unless I want to now!

    I wouldn’t worry to much about it, I’m getting old enough that I’d just like people to leave me alone on my birthday.
    Click to expand...
    I haven't gotten to the point where I need to write down important family member dates (although your suggestion of putting it in the phone is a great one) but I'm close to that age too. Nobody here (neither me or my siblings) forgot our father's birthday either- just none of us realized it was one of those 'milestone' years is all.

    The belief that we should "do" something for the new decade is one of my own belief and one that I'm presently trying to work through with my siblings. Not sure if it's "right or wrong", just feel like the "kids" should have done something more to celebrate the new decade (and we didn't/ at least not anything special from the previous 9 years) and feel like as the eldest kid I need to point that out and rally the "troops" is all.

    -LD
     
    #38
    brianf said:
    Side note, anyone over 75 with non degenerate children should have estate planning set up. Not just for taxes but for the scam protection. 80 year olds should not have 100% control of their estate / money unless the children are losers

    My 2 cents
    Click to expand...
    It's not that the children are "losers." They just may not have the life experiences to not be tempted by the scams. There are certain reactions you look for in your children when they encounter life's challenges. We just haven't seen them yet. But, they're close. My wife and I are now both 70-ish, and we are starting to set up the estate. We both still have our health and mental abilities, and hopefully, we will continue to do so. We have a lot of real estate and assets, but I still do the income taxes. And, my wife still works contract every now and then when she wants to. When it comes to mental abilities, it appears to us that if you don't use it, you will lose it.

    To the OP, make amends with your father and visit him often. Have nothing but good times with him. The day will come when you wish you had. I learned that lesson the hard way, and I've carried that burden my whole life.
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck
    #39
    sled_mack said:
    Dad and I were close. He passed right after his 65th birthday. We lived about 2 hours away and he came to visit us for all occasions - mostly to get time away from mom. And only if there was work to do- cut firewood, remodeling, fixing trucks, whatever lead to drinking beer and steaks on the grill for dinner. Only child here, so no worries about coordinating with other.

    My mom, on the other hand…. Her 80th birthday was a few years ago. Wife and I made several suggestions for a party for her, all rejected. I could tell she had an idea but wouldn’t tell us. Finally, she tells us she tells she booked a party at the local zoo. As you might guess, said party is geared towards 8 year olds, not 80. It was cringeworthy. Then she didn’t know I was right behind her and she told her friend that she had to pay for her own party- till I stepped forward to remind her we made several offers to host or pay for her party. I got the stink eye for that…

    Best I can suggest is just go spend time with him. Have a few beers and see what happens.
    Click to expand...
    Appreciate you sharing your story here.

    -LD
     
    #40
    chevy_man said:
    It certainly is for the estate. You get to sell stuff until all the debts are paid and then keep whatever is leftover.




    If he doesn't give enough of a shit to invite you, he didn't need you there.

    It sounds more like you're expecting to be needed, and he doesn't need you.

    I thought you were old as dirt, so maybe he never even had a party and just made it up because he was embarrassed he forgot his own age?
    Click to expand...


    Thanks for the remarks...

    I don't know how old you are (not that it matters) or what your family situation is (whether you have siblings and in that case that would matter a bit).

    As the eldest (and closest) I admittedly feel like I have a certain obligation which no doubt is related to how I was raised. My siblings are dispersed as I said- but for some reason I have to remind them "youngen's" of family things. Not sure if it's a byproduct of my upbringing or something that's inherent of being the eldest but that falls on me to corral 'em.

    Another "eldest" thing is outside of the Pit here- I will have to give my brother all the credit for arranging the birthday party (being the favorite/furthest one to travel) for my father and set my sister up to work with my mother on guest lists and "themes" (pretty sure that's what I heard it called) and I'll forever be cast into the "one that needed reminded" camp despite being the one that put everything in motion. That's just how it goes sometimes I reckon.

    -LD
     
    #41
    OldSalty2 said:
    You live close, so you can be there and all you can control is you. You missed the milestone, thats shitty, but good news is, its not too late but it will be someday and good that you recognize. Learned a lesson, move on and fix it. Remember the you control you part...

    You can plan a date, provide that date to your siblings and if they can make it great, if they can't they can't. You can take it a step further by trying to find a date that works for everyone, but I assure you there likely isn't one. Its really not that hard to coordinate with people today, communication options are endless. The difference today is peoples priorities. Trust me, I know this first person, and you do not get the time back.

    So stop being lazy ass duck and do what you can to organize something. Set a date and go from there. I doubt your parents expect anything elaborate, just time with everyone together sharing a meal and sitting around shooting the shit. Thats likely all they want and hope for.
    Click to expand...
    Already on it-

    Reached out to my siblings to let 'em know we missed celebrating it as a milestone birthday (we all remembered the birthday just not the new decade).

    We're/I'm setting up a "half" birthday celebration for it this summer (the weather has been atrocious here lately). Current plan is to have a pig roast with his friends for it (I'm just waiting on the siblings to lock in their "return home dates").
     
    #42
    LuckyDuck said:
    Thanks for the remarks...

    I don't know how old you are (not that it matters) or what your family situation is (whether you have siblings and in that case that would matter a bit).

    As the eldest (and closest) I admittedly feel like I have a certain obligation which no doubt is related to how I was raised. My siblings are dispersed as I said- but for some reason I have to remind them "youngen's" of family things. Not sure if it's a byproduct of my upbringing or something that's inherent of being the eldest but that falls on me to corral 'em.

    Another "eldest" thing is outside of the Pit here- I will have to give my brother all the credit for arranging the birthday party (being the favorite/furthest one to travel) for my father and set my sister up to work with my mother on guest lists and "themes" (pretty sure that's what I heard it called) and I'll forever be cast into the "one that needed reminded" camp despite being the one that put everything in motion. That's just how it goes sometimes I reckon.

    -LD
    Click to expand...

    Birthdays were never a big thing in my family. Most years I would forget mine if it wasn't for my wife.

    Wife's birthday and wedding anniversary are in my phone with a 2 week reminder. I can remember my kids. Nothing else is that important.

    I don't care about my siblings or Dad's birthday. If I happen to be around I'll take them to dinner, but we never plan anything or have a party.



    So I may have come off rather course as I think it's silly you're worried about what your Dad thinks of his birthday party. However, the way you are talking it sounds like you're just disappointed in his treatment of you.
     
    #43
    chevy_man said:
    Birthdays were never a big thing in my family. Most years I would forget mine if it wasn't for my wife.

    Wife's birthday and wedding anniversary are in my phone with a 2 week reminder. I can remember my kids. Nothing else is that important.

    I don't care about my siblings or Dad's birthday. If I happen to be around I'll take them to dinner, but we never plan anything or have a party.



    So I may have come off rather course as I think it's silly you're worried about what your Dad thinks of his birthday party. However, the way you are talking it sounds like you're just disappointed in his treatment of you.
    Click to expand...
    I'm like you- I don't know how old I am or recognize when it is my actual birthday (I suppose I too outsourced that).

    Your last statement is likely accurate and saves me $1,000's of dollars I would have spent in therapy (kidding but only slightly) to come to that conclusion.

    What can I say- I'm the eldest of a traditional Irish Catholic family. I disappointed my parents 1st for reasons and my siblings didn't fair much better than I did but I've always felt like my job as the eldest was to take whatever perceived blame there was (and there's plenty of that to go around in Irish Catholicism) and convert it to my siblings being all the more 'better'.

    One of those- would you rather spend your life arguing or just embrace being the proverbial "monster" and instead focus your efforts on making your siblings look good type of thing. I could be WAY off but I'd imagine that there's folks here that are the eldest and know exactly what I'm talking about.

    It is what it is.

    -LD
     
    #44
    LuckyDuck said:
    Hello Hide,

    I think this is the 3rd time I've broached this subject within the past year but feel like I've somehow fucked up again.

    My father recently celebrated a birthday (a celebration I wasn't invited to despite living "close enough") that entered him into a new decade. I completely blew it in that regard- I thought the milestone birthday was next year but... nope.

    I'm the eldest of 3 siblings, everyone else lives across other states (and we couldn't have pulled off bringing everyone together at the point). That said- I feel somewhat obligated to direct these type of things and corral my brothers/sisters but frankly I don't know how old even I am at this point without asking my wife let alone how old my parents are. Not offering that as an excuse either- just an explanation of where I'm at.

    As I mentioned, I can't help but feel like an unspoken expectation falls on me as the eldest child (far from the favorite child) to rally my siblings into having a later celebration for our father. But I'm not gaining much ground there (and before anyone asks he was as good a father as he could be-no issues there, if I would hazard a guess, it's just dang expensive to pull off a celebration is all and everyone is/has been struggling in their own ways.

    So that all said (and yes I tend to be lengthy in my posts), one of the things that really bothers me is I don't recall this particular struggle ever being a 'thing' decades ago. Growing up- we always knew we'd go to my grandparents (about an hour or so away from my childhood house) for 'lesser' holidays like Father's Day/ Mother's Day/ Memorial Day/ Veterans Day/ etc and the more "important" holidays such as Easter & Christmas the grandparents would visit their children's houses (but you better believe everyone would visit their house around that time too).

    I can't speak for anyone else- but I can't help but believe my own father has the same expectations but the "realities/differences" exist that their kids cast a much wider net than his own siblings did. A long trek home was a 2 hours drive but now it's a plane ticket for the children and their families (TL/DR: thousands of dollars to bring their own families back to "home base").

    Anywho- I'm just venting and complaining that I feel that as the eldest child & closest living child I was supposed to make this particular birthday about 10 degrees better than it ended up being (and didn't) It just seemed a lot simpler even 30 years ago on what was expected and what was done but the rules seemed to change rather drastically and I'm still waiting on the updated playbook.

    -LD
    Click to expand...
    It happens, we have our own lives to manage, and sometimes some details slip when it comes to parental birthdays. I don't even know exactly how old my stepmother is, and she's been my stepmom for 34 years.

    30 years ago we didn't rely on technology like we do now. There are a ton of things in life that we've left to technology to remind us. Most of my friends and family birthdays i'm reminded about through facebook, or my google calendar reminders. It was easier 30 years ago because it was the only way to do it at the time. How many of your friends phone numbers do you actually know? I don't even know my daughters phone numbers by heart. 30 years ago, someone would tell me a phone number at school, and that number was locked in my brain, to be recalled at any time, and recited on demand. Now everything is in my phone, backed up to my cloud backup.

    I have a brother i was raised with, and 4 step siblings, only one of which ever lived with us for a couple years before my brother and I ran her out of the house. I dislike her very, very much, especially after her fucking up dad's obituary despite me advising her on facts. I have a lot to say, a ted talk of sorts, about what a degenerate cunt my stepsister is, but this isn't the place.

    Don't sweat the small things, if you missed a detail, just apologize, tell your dad you love him, and remember to talk to him regularly, and visit often as well. Your siblings aren't your responsibility, and it's not your responsibility to arrange something extra special unless the others have decided amongst themselves that you would be the best fit for planning.

    I don't know what decade your father is in for his age, but make sure you take advantage of his experience, stories, and his company. Spend more time with him than you do now, and if he gets sick at all, spend even more time with him. Ask him for advice with your kids, life, anything that would make him feel needed, and valued.

    Just my thoughts on your situation.

    Branden
     
    • Like
    Reactions: LuckyDuck
    #45
    Short-bus said:
    It happens, we have our own lives to manage, and sometimes some details slip when it comes to parental birthdays. I don't even know exactly how old my stepmother is, and she's been my stepmom for 34 years.

    30 years ago we didn't rely on technology like we do now. There are a ton of things in life that we've left to technology to remind us. Most of my friends and family birthdays i'm reminded about through facebook, or my google calendar reminders. It was easier 30 years ago because it was the only way to do it at the time. How many of your friends phone numbers do you actually know? I don't even know my daughters phone numbers by heart. 30 years ago, someone would tell me a phone number at school, and that number was locked in my brain, to be recalled at any time, and recited on demand. Now everything is in my phone, backed up to my cloud backup.

    I have a brother i was raised with, and 4 step siblings, only one of which ever lived with us for a couple years before my brother and I ran her out of the house. I dislike her very, very much, especially after her fucking up dad's obituary despite me advising her on facts. I have a lot to say, a ted talk of sorts, about what a degenerate cunt my stepsister is, but this isn't the place.

    Don't sweat the small things, if you missed a detail, just apologize, tell your dad you love him, and remember to talk to him regularly, and visit often as well. Your siblings aren't your responsibility, and it's not your responsibility to arrange something extra special unless the others have decided amongst themselves that you would be the best fit for planning.

    I don't know what decade your father is in for his age, but make sure you take advantage of his experience, stories, and his company. Spend more time with him than you do now, and if he gets sick at all, spend even more time with him. Ask him for advice with your kids, life, anything that would make him feel needed, and valued.

    Just my thoughts on your situation.

    Branden
    Click to expand...
    I really appreciated your post here.

    It's "funny" that you mention remembering phone numbers by heart. I know (and have frankly always remembered) my wife's phone number (ever since we started dating quite a number of years now at the point). My wife on the other hand- she would be lost to remember anything other than maybe her parent's phone number if pressed to do so from memory. (it's a little weird, even to me, how many phone numbers I still have in my head regardless of whether I talk to those people anymore to boot).

    But yeah- like I said, it's not that my siblings or I forgot my father's birthday as much as none of us realized it was a new decade this year for him is all.

    I'm often accused of being longwinded so keeping that in mind- I can only speak for myself but I remember attending my relatives'... say 70/75/80/85/90th birthday parties and it seemed like all of my aunts/uncles were in attendance and that the parties occurred all but organically (along with all the birthday's in between for that matter).

    Now- I need reminded how old even I am and while I remember the calendar date- lord help me if I remember the year anyone else was born. I don't think it's a lack of 'interest/caring' either, at least not for me personally. I think more than anything else- remembering actual birthdays (calendar dates at least) is just the best I can manage.

    The fact I have to "corral" my siblings is a separate issue, giving credit to them at my expense is a separate issue, but that's just family dynamics I guess. Time keep on changing but someone has to give a crap at the end of the day to keep things happening I suppose.

    -LD
     
    #46
    eastexsteve said:
    It's not that the children are "losers." They just may not have the life experiences to not be tempted by the scams. There are certain reactions you look for in your children when they encounter life's challenges. We just haven't seen them yet. But, they're close. My wife and I are now both 70-ish, and we are starting to set up the estate. We both still have our health and mental abilities, and hopefully, we will continue to do so. We have a lot of real estate and assets, but I still do the income taxes. And, my wife still works contract every now and then when she wants to. When it comes to mental abilities, it appears to us that if you don't use it, you will lose it.

    To the OP, make amends with your father and visit him often. Have nothing but good times with him. The day will come when you wish you had. I learned that lesson the hard way, and I've carried that burden my whole life.
    Click to expand...
    Could be the case but I wanted to keep it short. Setting up the estate properly limits the “scam issues”. You can set it up so tight that the trust pays only the mortgage but not the taxes and nothing else ever etc.
     
    #47
    chevy_man said:
    Birthdays were never a big thing in my family. Most years I would forget mine if it wasn't for my wife.

    Wife's birthday and wedding anniversary are in my phone with a 2 week reminder. I can remember my kids. Nothing else is that important.

    I don't care about my siblings or Dad's birthday. If I happen to be around I'll take them to dinner, but we never plan anything or have a party.



    So I may have come off rather course as I think it's silly you're worried about what your Dad thinks of his birthday party. However, the way you are talking it sounds like you're just disappointed in his treatment of you.
    Click to expand...

    Birthdays are just a date. Its the gathering of family and friends that matter. The date is rather arbitrary more of an excuse to make it happen...
     
    • Like
    Reactions: greg1147 and doubloon
    You must log in or register to reply here.

    Similar threads

    LuckyDuck
    Someone here needs to hear this-
    Replies
    0
    Views
    193
    LuckyDuck
    LuckyDuck
    LuckyDuck
    Family Holiday Drama: Thanksgiving Edition
    Replies
    77
    Views
    2K
    BCP
    BCP
    LuckyDuck
    Quick question for the "watch guys" on the Hide here...
    Replies
    14
    Views
    690
    LuckyDuck
    LuckyDuck
    LuckyDuck
    Former endeavors that used to give joy and are fleeting now...
    Replies
    56
    Views
    2K
    Ronws
    Ronws
    LuckyDuck
    This may lead to an interesting discussion- who have you given access to for your house?
    Replies
    21
    Views
    786
    roostercogburn98
    roostercogburn98
    Top Bottom
    Back
    Home
    Forums
    Merch
    Alerts