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SOMEWHERESVILLE, CO—Devotees in the Sniper’s Hide’s Accuracy International Picture Thread today were left stunned and in awe of His glory this Thursday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 4:42 p.m. MST chat unannounced.
God appeared suddenly as an intense beam of white light, cleared His mighty throat, and again angrily clarified His longtime stance on color of rifles.
“Look, I’m getting tired of this people. How many times must I
go over this?” said the Lord, deeply furrowing His divine brows.
“I’m popping in because I heard someone
just claimed My face ‘twas’ Elite Sand. First off, the color Sand was just called ‘sand’ for millennia until some marketing schlub at AI added that stupid ‘Elite’ adjective to its front.” God said.
“You know who is elite?” the eternal Being of unmeasurable power and sublimity asked rhetorically.
“Look deeply into my eyes. Me.”
Sources say several Elite Sand-owning forum members who dared look into His eyes were instantly relived of their earthly presence.
“Now Sage Green is a color everyone can get behind. I’m sage…who doesn’t want to be wise? And you know my position on green.”
“Second, while you’re all looking at my face, is it sand-colored?” He, who created the Sun, the Earth, the Moon, and the stars, bellowed while pointing His finger at His luminous cheek.
“Doesn’t anyone even look at my buddy Michelangelo’s paintings that I, your Father, had commissioned? Why do I even bother?” the most Holy of Holies’ voice trailed off as He stared heavenward.
“Third, ‘twas’ really should be reserved for only around Christmastime because my Son sort of liked that Santa Claus doofus. ‘Twas the night before…’ and all that jazz. I don’t know what that Kid saw in that furry red-suited do-gooder,” the ineffable Lord retorted.
Sources say God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions, drew Himself up to fill the entire forum server and said forth, “Again, I am specifically
commanding you to only use the color of the lush and verdant Earth that I your Lord God created for you.”
“Once more, that is all.”
Reports from the scene say that right before exiting in a thunderclap that He Himself created, God, the King of Kings, was heard muttering, “‘Twas’ is retarded.”