Maggie’s Crazy shit your kids say

[7WSMShooter]

So... my son and I are going out hunting.
Got a heater in the hunting shack and swapping
Out the propane tank for the season. This one is loaded up on the bottom of the stinky additive
And gets all over my hands.
I tell my 14 yr old son that my hands smell like I had em stuck up a 3 day old dead hookers butt
And he’s said that’s not the problem.
I asked “So what’s the problem then”
He said “the problem is that you know what
That smells like”.......

don’t you hate it when your kids make you feel like an idiot

 

[johnnyvw]

Sharp kid...

 

[vinniedelpino]

He got you there. Kids grow up fast nowadays.

At least he's 14!

 

[7WSMShooter]

No women in the house, and between me and his uncles, he’s heard everything and has one sense of humor.

 

[Jscb1b]

Mine is 13 and knows EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGTHING!

 

[StrayDog]

Our 5yo son is doing Zoom kindergarten...
There was a Thanksgiving theme meeting.
All the kids took turns and were apparently shadow coached by parents to say they are all thank full for their families, etc etc.
My son, as told to us later by a happy laughing teacher who called it "refreshing", since we mom and dad work all day and missed it, reported to us he said: "I am thankful for ice cream, chocolate chips, and steak."
I was grinning all the way to Sunday... My wife facepalmed but chuckled.

 

[Waknstak]

State inspector was at daycare one day and my son overheard her and day care provider talking about the weather lately and he pipes up and says.... It's so cold outside my dad says the dogs nuts are gonna freeze to the sidewalk.... She called me later that evening laughing so hard she almost peed!

 

[kcbird]

Once upon a time we were traveling for vacation. My I would guess 7-8 year old son at the time in the back seat blabbering as usual. He starts repeating megalodon. This began to progress pretty quickly into,
megalodon
meg-a-lo-don
meg-a-lon-don
meg-a-long-don
meg-a-long-dong, mega long dong, mega long dong.

Little bastard says some crazy shit.

 

[Rthur]

Several years ago, "sounds like it's going to be over 30 bucks a plate for this reception"...

R

 

[The D]

When my wife and I were first dating she hurt her shoulder at work and was going through physical therapy. One night she was hurting a little more than normal and her daughter(then 7 or 8) grabbed a Kleenex and asked if she wanted a deep tissue massage

And everything our toddlers say right now is pretty funny, whether they intend it that way or not

 

[remaction]

My son was playing "Doom" when he was about 6 (which is about 28 years ago) and was trying to gather weapons. He said, "I really want to get that BFG!". I pondered it a second and asked him, "What is a BFG?" He said, "Near as I can tell it's a Big Firing Gun". I said that must be it...

 

[whatsupdoc]

Many moons ago thanksgiving dinner my dad who is of Greek descent starts giving cash to all the grandchildren.
When my 9 year old sons turn comes up my father breaks his balls by saying I dont know about you, you dont speak a word
of Greek.

My son replies "I know Greek" Oh yea my father says what do you know?
Kid blasts out "go eat shit" in Greek. The entire house exploded in laughter and my father who always had a response was speechless.

 

[kriller134]

When my son was 5 we were at the ice rink one day and he was saying zamboni then it turned into zamboner.

 

[rkgsmith]

We were watching the vice presidential debates when the topic turned to the pandemic. Harris made comment how mishandling the pandemic cost lives to the point people were unsure where the next roll of toilet paper was coming from. Without missing a beat and not really paying attention my 11 year old said, " Well nobody ever died from not having toilet paper." It was priceless!

 

[missed]

My boy was in kindergarten. He called another kid an ass (which the kid really is, and his parents) of course the teacher told him he couldn't call the kid an ass. Couple days later he tells the kid he is acting like an ass. The teacher had to leave the room, she is crying laughing telling my wife. Shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes.....

 

[TimK]

My boy was in kindergarten. Teacher asked him to use the word “fan” in a sentence. His response?

“I’m a fan of the ladies!” accompanied by the chk, chk sound and finger guns.

 

[powdahound76]

My daughter called my older brother a pussy one day when she was 6, maybe 7.
He was being one.
And is one most of the time.

no idea where she learned that....

 

[Willoughby1971]

A few years ago we decided to eat at the restaurant inside Bass Pro in Tennessee when the waitress came to take our order my 3yo daughter looked up at her and said I with take French fries and chocolate milk bitch, it was impossible to keep from laughing

 

[Mooseknuckles]

I was getting my daughter buckled up in her booster seat about a week ago. Damn seat belt was twisted and I was straightening it out when she ask me “dad what the fuck is wrong with that thing” I could help but die laughing.

 

[ColinW]

I was getting my daughter buckled up in her booster seat about a week ago. Damn seat belt was twisted and I was straightening it out when she ask me “dad what the fuck is wrong with that thing” I could help but die laughing.

Oh man! These little stories are all golden! Keep em’ coming. Expecting my first born in mid-February

 

[powdahound76]

When mine was about 20 months through about 3.5, when she would get mad at toys she would make a fist, grit her teeth, and say “gawdammit”
It varied a little, but was always funny.

couple years ago I pick her up from school. She had just turned 7 2.5 months before.
she was very upset but wouldnt say why, so we headed home.
2 blocks into the drive she starts crying. I ask again what is wrong and she blurts out;
“Why the fuck cant my mom ever take a day off work to come to school for something that is a big deal to me?!!!”
I reached back and held her hand with tears of my own, hoping she couldnt see.
We had a talk after we got home about how sorry I was she was so upset. She probably cried for 30 minutes straight.
she wasnt wrong.

Later we talked about big words and when they can be used.
I also bought her ice cream that night.

She had asked her mom for 2 months to take a 1/2 of vacation to come to field day.
i had been to the first 2 and she wanted mom. She also was taking the next day to do “take your kid to work day” with me, which means I get nothing done all day, but we have a lot of fun.

 

[brainiac]

Stopped at a buddies house with my 5 yr old son. I got ready to leave and he just kept going on and going on. Finally I said come on buddy we gotta go and he looked at me and said "I know Dad, shut the fuck up and get in the car". Musta heard that from his mom or sumthin.

 

[roostercogburn98]

I told my youngest that she would be proud of me because I had eaten something different today. Without skipping a beat, she said, “what? a salad”.

 

[Jscb1b]

When mine was about 20 months through about 3.5, when she would get mad at toys she would make a fist, grit her teeth, and say “gawdammit”
It varied a little, but was always funny.

couple years ago I pick her up from school. She had just turned 7 2.5 months before.
she was very upset but wouldnt say why, so we headed home.
2 blocks into the drive she starts crying. I ask again what is wrong and she blurts out;
“Why the fuck cant my mom ever take a day off work to come to school for something that is a big deal to me?!!!”
I reached back and held her hand with tears of my own, hoping she couldnt see.
We had a talk after we got home about how sorry I was she was so upset. She probably cried for 30 minutes straight.
she wasnt wrong.

Later we talked about big words and when they can be used.
I also bought her ice cream that night.

She had asked her mom for 2 months to take a 1/2 of vacation to come to field day.
i had been to the first 2 and she wanted mom. She also was taking the next day to do “take your kid to work day” with me, which means I get nothing done all day, but we have a lot of fun.

Sad how the little ones get kicked into the corner!

 

[powdahound76]

@Jscb1b - not in this house. She doesnt get her way all the time, there are rules, chores, and discipline as needed.
And also a TON of attention and time.

we have a lot of fun and do a lot together.
She figured out years ago who makes time and who doesnt.
A child is a gift from God.

 

[Jscb1b]

Good for you! And your daughter!

 

[powdahound76]

Im lucky. She is awesome.

Well, except right now..... rare stinker moment doing homework.

 

[Jscb1b]

I ain't got no advice about homework. I hated it!

 

[roostercogburn98]

Wait until they are teenagers

 

[roostercogburn98]

Make me want to pull my hair out EVERY day!

 

[powdahound76]

Oh dear, I can hardly wait....

this is rare. But dang its a doozy when it happens.
Her strong will and smart brain will do great things one day. And until then will be turning hair grey!!

 

[M76]

Several years ago I had an odd day with nothing to do so I pulled out Call of Duty Black-Ops and started playing the Zombie stages. My youngest daughter (about 2yrs. old at the time) was asleep in her room and no one else was home. The I'm having fun blasting zombies. The Russian guy in the game is yelling expletives at the zombies as I am blowing them to bits. In stumbles my bleary eyed daughter as the Russian says die fuckin' bitches, to which my daughter starts marching around the room shouting fuckin bitches, fuckin bitches, fuckin bitches. Needless to say I quickly turned the game off and told her we don't use those words. I spent about a month just waiting for her to bust out when everyone was home or we were at church or something. Have played that game with the volume off every since lol.

 

[missed]

Another one was pulling up to the grocery store on a holiday realizing they closed an hour before we got there and hearing an "Aw damnit" from the little girl in the back seat. She is 12 now, we were out riding our mountain bikes on a new trail we have never seen, and in her typical fuck it go for it fashion. She is just ahead of the group as I had the 8y/o behind me and mom pulling up the rear. I hear lots of bike noises then little girl squeal and scream oh shit, then rim punishing sounds as she sent it off the hard line. Wife said she make it through with out crashing she gets a free card on the oh shit.

 

[JbBooks]

So awhile back we got a new tv, we went from a 32” to a 65”, so a pretty big change, when it showed up I said to my wife “that’s a big ass tv” and my 3 year old son was there to hear it, since then anytime he see’s anything big, he refers to it as “big ass” ball, car, dog, etc..... so we’re standing in line at the Walmart and a rather large woman with a very portly backside is in front of us, and my son looks up and says big ass, and I say big ass what? He says “big ass ass”, needless to say, that she, nor my wife was very impressed.

 

[quietmike]

We were on a long road trip, and the conversation turned to nicknames. How did James get shortened to Jim. The wife asks, how do you get Dick out of Richard, and the 12yo stepdaughter pipes up "ask him nicely", and cracks up. The wife wasn't amused.

 

[EddieNFL]

My son and his family visited during Thanksgiving. House full of people and his seven-year-old is bouncing off the walls. He grabs him and tells him he has to calm down because Santa doesn't come if you misbehave. Grandson looked him in the eye and said, "I was bad last year and I got a Play Station, so..."

Sad or funny thing is my son said almost the same thing at about that age.

 

[EddieNFL]

My three-year-old granddaughter was sitting at the kitchen table coloring while we prepared dinner. I was teasing her about something when she piped up and said, Papa, I see your lips moving, but all I hear is Yada, Yada, Yada."

That's when I knew she was way smarter than me. Graduated HS with a 5.0. I did not know that was even possible.

 

[whatsupdoc]

Driving in the car with my oldest son in the back in a car seat, he is around 4 years old at the time.
As I am driving on the highway another car slowly changes lanes into my lane cutting me off.

Forgetting that the kid is in the car I say "look at that stupid mother fucker" the kid pops his head up as high as he could
out of the car seat and says "where's the stupid mother fucker".

Ahh dont say that to mommy.

 

[Animal357]

Just as my son was learning to talk, the family was on a short road trip. He blurts out "fucking shit". My wife and started yelling at each other for teaching him to swear. We both claimed that we never swore in front of him.

When we get out of the car and we see that he was actually trying to talk about his shirt: "Frog on shirt"

 

[unrepentant]

My nephew is riding in a car seat in the back. His father (I'll call him 'Tom') is driving to the grocery store with his mother-in-law in the front passenger seat.

At a green light, some guy bogarts from the head-on lane and turns left in front of them crossing two lanes of flowing traffic. Tom and the driver to his right skid to a screeching halt and Tom says the driver on the right missed contact by about 4 inches. That's when the nephew pops up with, "hey, dad, is that one of them hot suckers?"

The mother-in-law wants to know, "what'd he say?? What?"

Tom says, "he wants to know can he have a Tootsie-Pops".

Mother-in-law, who's fortunately a little hard of hearing, says, "Oh, sure! Just remind me at the check-out stand."

 

[M76]

My nephew is riding in a car seat in the back. His father (I'll call him 'Tom') is driving to the grocery store with his mother-in-law in the front passenger seat.

At a green light, some guy bogarts from the head-on lane and turns left in front of them crossing two lanes of flowing traffic. Tom and the driver to his right skid to a screeching halt and Tom says the driver on the right missed contact by about 4 inches. That's when the nephew pops up with, "hey, dad, is that one of them hot suckers?"

The mother-in-law wants to know, "what'd he say?? What?"

Tom says, "he wants to know can he have a Tootsie-Pops".

Mother-in-law, who's fortunately a little hard of hearing, says, "Oh, sure! Just remind me at the check-out stand."

You my friend are a master of the save. That was some quick thinking lol.

 

[TxWelder35]

My son and his family visited during Thanksgiving. House full of people and his seven-year-old is bouncing off the walls. He grabs him and tells him he has to calm down because Santa doesn't come if you misbehave. Grandson looked him in the eye and said, "I was bad last year and I got a Play Station, so..."

Sad or funny thing is my son said almost the same thing at about that age.

We have 2 kids one 16mo one 3 mo, decided when they are older, and know about Christmas we are going to wrap a bunch of empty boxes and every time they misbehave we are going to burn one in front of them

 

[awonder]

When my son was about 8 I took him to court on my day off. Back then I was a patrol officer and not a supervisor. When the judge (who was as down to earth and as good natured as they come) was asking him what he was doing here as court was starting, he plopped down in the chairs with the rest of the officers waiting their turns and said “ Im here to watch the fireworks!”
Needless to say everyone thought it was hilarious.

 

[brianf]

my son 10 was diagnosed with crohn's disease last january...long story

july 4th we were going to see some fireworks but he was having a flare up and it was hurting him pretty good

he was upset more that my daughter 12 wasnt going to see the fireworks then the pain (not sure where he got the niceness from..must be the wifes side)

so as we are on the couch we figured we will let him curse a little about the pain

he always wants to cures (i dont say stupid in my house, its a curse) but of course kids know everything by 3rd grade

he let loose with a full on truck driver skit for a good five minutes

we were all laughing our ass off

 

[mike_f]

When our son was 3 or 4 yo we were eating at a seafood place. They brought out hush puppies, and he started eating one.

He would take a small bite and then just look at it a while. Then repeat.

Eventually he said "how do they kill the puppies?".

 

[Marbles]

When I tell my daughter (who is a toddler) to do something she doesn't like, such as to pick up her blocks, she says "I can't want to pick up blocks." She use to just say "I can't," but I would tell her "you can and you will."

Whenever I stop at a red light she will get angry and demandingly say "drive Pa, drive!"

 

[Dead Eye Dick]

A long time ago, far, far away...When the television was filled with public service announcements about“Not Drinking and Driving.” (Obviously not drinking alcoholic beverages)

We are going to a horse stable in El Dorado, Arkansas to check out a horse, when I decided to stop and get a coke.

When I got back in the car and opened the coke

Our then 5 year old son, went ballistic

DON’T DAD, DON’T DO IT, YOU ARE GOING TO KILL US!!!

He was not aware that the drinking while driving was drinking alcohol and not regular soft drinks, water and coffee.

 

[brainiac]

Years ago my OCD cleanfreak Mom comes home from AZ for a visit. We are standing outside and my preschool age son walks up and hands me an apple. I flip out my pocket knife, wipe the blade on my pants leg and peel it, then cut it up, and hand it back. My Mom says oh boy that looks really sterile. My son with out batting an eye looks at her and says "It's OK Gramma, he uses the other blade to scrape dog poop off his boot". Then wanders off eating it.

 

[DarnYankeeUSMC]

Father daughter day at work and I have my eldest daughter in tow. As we tour the office she begins to cry. Several co-workers gather around as I asked why she was crying. She said... Where's all the clowns you said you work with??


Not true. ^^^^^^ But a funny story anyway.

 

[Barneybdb]