One of my personal favorites is working “This Dick” into my replies. That gets many eye rolls.
Reply in song lyrics
Reply in song lyrics
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Funny Things You Say That Pisses Off Your Wife... Go!
- Thread starter Lapuapalooza
- Start date
Looked at an old picture one day: accidentally slipped and said, “And you thought you looked fat before.”.....moral of the story- think then speak.
Bill Withers- Ain't no sunshine.
I changed the words to Ain't no sammich when she's gone.
R
I changed the words to Ain't no sammich when she's gone.
R
I can spin mine up with a simple “what’s for dinner?” the very second she walks in after a hard day at work.
Then it’s “hallway sex” for the next few days.... you know, where we both say “fuck you” as we pass in the hallway....
Then it’s “hallway sex” for the next few days.... you know, where we both say “fuck you” as we pass in the hallway....
“The reason I have the Aussie chick’s voice on the gps is so I can tell which one of you is telling me I’m driving wrong.”
When doing it doggie style is my favorite. She always ask why I like it better because I don’t have to look at her face? My reply your face, your ass, what’s the difference?
I always elicit the desired response when it gets close to dinner time and I say ... "Maybe we should sell the stove."
When she asks for directions and my response includes North, South, East or West.
- Your ass is bigger than the Goodyear blimp
- There is more wrinkles on your face than my ballsack
- Go bake me some cookies.
- I am going to put you in a baby seal costume and use you as bait to catch me a Great White Shark.
Want more?
I married the least crazy woman I have ever known! I am intolerant of crazy head games and insecurities....
If she does get a little moody (which is very rare), I say “are you spotting?” Or if she has crossed the line “are you flowing?” It usually makes her laugh and consider the way her actions are effecting others.
The funny part is she tells me the same thing when I overreact to something.... And yea, it makes me laugh and think about my actions.
Life is great, with a great wife! Especially, one with a sense of humor and quick witted.
I am truly blessed!
If she does get a little moody (which is very rare), I say “are you spotting?” Or if she has crossed the line “are you flowing?” It usually makes her laugh and consider the way her actions are effecting others.
The funny part is she tells me the same thing when I overreact to something.... And yea, it makes me laugh and think about my actions.
Life is great, with a great wife! Especially, one with a sense of humor and quick witted.
I am truly blessed!
Doggystyle is our favorite. Once, "Shake that ass for big daddy" came out as "Shake that big ass for daddy". Activity ceased and discussion ensued.
She has a big ass, knows she has a big ass, and knows I love it. I don't see the problem.
Wife: Asks question.
Me: Didn't I tell you?
Wife: No, you didn't.
Me: Must not be any of your business.
Me: Didn't I tell you?
Wife: No, you didn't.
Me: Must not be any of your business.
I love some of these comments but I could never say that to my wife. I have seen her shoot and I am a fat boy and can't run that fast.
I farted in a woman’s face while she was blowing me. She slapped me and left.
Funny thing is, the next day she called to apologize for overreacting and she wanted to make it up to me. We did the big nasty that night.
Funny thing is, the next day she called to apologize for overreacting and she wanted to make it up to me. We did the big nasty that night.
My all-time favorite and the resulting mushroom cloud over her head was:
She goes off for a couple minutes, telling me all that was wrong with me, why I needed to change, what I needed to change, and her expectations.
Once she took a breath, I asked her, “Is that all you wanted to say?”
Her: “I believe that about covers it”
I responded with, “Well, I want you to know I absolutely agree with you and you are 100% right about everything you said. However, do you realize.......that if all of this wasn’t wrong with me, I could have gotten a WAY better wife?”
Try that one sometime and let me know how it goes. LOL!
She goes off for a couple minutes, telling me all that was wrong with me, why I needed to change, what I needed to change, and her expectations.
Once she took a breath, I asked her, “Is that all you wanted to say?”
Her: “I believe that about covers it”
I responded with, “Well, I want you to know I absolutely agree with you and you are 100% right about everything you said. However, do you realize.......that if all of this wasn’t wrong with me, I could have gotten a WAY better wife?”
Try that one sometime and let me know how it goes. LOL!
My wife would come downstairs on a normal New Hampshire winter morning and ask what the weather is like outside.
Anything above -10°F gets the response, "It's a little chilly outside."
I was born and raised up north and winter is normal. It comes once a year. Roll with it.
She was born and raised in a tropical climate. She will never adapt.
She has no sense of humor.
We are now in South Carolina.
Anything above -10°F gets the response, "It's a little chilly outside."
I was born and raised up north and winter is normal. It comes once a year. Roll with it.
She was born and raised in a tropical climate. She will never adapt.
She has no sense of humor.
We are now in South Carolina.
Hahahahahahaha
I am going to try that the very next time my loving wife tells me about my deficiencies!
It’ll be our 32nd anniversary in 3 more weeks, so she’s had a little while to compile her list of grievances.
I try to not intentionally piss of the wife. Or be rude for the hell of it. She is extremely well mannered and doesn't complain about me having rough edges. Plus shes been pretty good to me for that last 19 years. I know one sure fire way to set her off though and I avoid it. Ask her to "calm down" about anything. Bad decision! As for foul profanity in front of her, she deserves more respect than that.
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Wife does that to me all the time. Really gets pissed when I ask which of her hot friends I was banging while she was doing my laundry!
Needless to say, I’ve been doing my own laundry for awhile now.
Exactly this for my wife. 20 years now. I could never replace her.
If you want your wife to shut up tell her she has a hot sister. With a nice ass. She wont speak for days
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I have been married for 45 years and we were shacked up for 1 to see if the round peg would fit the square hole.
Well, it fit alright so here we are.
We have rattlesnakes in our area so if she is getting after me verbally, I will ask her, "Are you rattling?" meaning a warning.
The piss off is on then and she will say,"Damn right dipshit." Then I better listen.
I call her "My Old Lady" or "My Squaw" and she calls me her "Old Man" and on occasion "The Foul One." if she is talking to someone who doesn't know us and she wants to let them know what they are up against. ALL terms of endearment.
I love my wife and we are into this until Death do us part.
I don't understand why anyone would push the buttons just to piss someone off yet I see it around me and they fight all of the time yet we never fight.
I took a long time to find "The Right One" and I did find Her at the end of that long search.
It is fun to look at the Libtards faces when we are out and about and talking and "Old Lady, Squaw" or "Old Foul Man" comes up and we go on our merry way as we leave and their jaws have dropped. They don't get it.
I always tell everyone when I leave them, "I hope you get a little." Very few know how nice of a thing that is to say to someone. FM
Well, it fit alright so here we are.
We have rattlesnakes in our area so if she is getting after me verbally, I will ask her, "Are you rattling?" meaning a warning.
The piss off is on then and she will say,"Damn right dipshit." Then I better listen.
I call her "My Old Lady" or "My Squaw" and she calls me her "Old Man" and on occasion "The Foul One." if she is talking to someone who doesn't know us and she wants to let them know what they are up against. ALL terms of endearment.
I love my wife and we are into this until Death do us part.
I don't understand why anyone would push the buttons just to piss someone off yet I see it around me and they fight all of the time yet we never fight.
I took a long time to find "The Right One" and I did find Her at the end of that long search.
It is fun to look at the Libtards faces when we are out and about and talking and "Old Lady, Squaw" or "Old Foul Man" comes up and we go on our merry way as we leave and their jaws have dropped. They don't get it.
I always tell everyone when I leave them, "I hope you get a little." Very few know how nice of a thing that is to say to someone. FM
Over 32 years now. My wife and I intentionally "push buttons" as part of our day to day lives. It's all in fun and in a sort of third-grade way you punch the girl you like on the shoulder.
Help me out here. Is your dick on your ass or your asshole on your stomach?
When a women is giving you head, and you rip a fart, it doesn’t matter where your asshole is. She will still accuse you of farting in her face.
That's when you tell them it's better to be pissed off than pissed on...
Fucking classic, we've all been there.
I remember making a chick laugh right when I nutted and it came out her nose.
You're the one that married me, you are putting up with this willingly!
Well, I put up with your crazy all the damn time.
Why would I buy you a new car? I bought you 3 already and I only totaled 2 of them!
Why would I buy a new truck that you're not embarrassed to be seen in? You know how much gun stuff I've bought with my truck payments in the last 10 years?
You know the dog loves me more because she knows I'm the alpha. It's a man thing, you just have to accept it. I'm sure the turtle loves you more, he's just not very good at showing it (we have a turtle, rabbit, 2 cats, and a dog. If we both sit on the couch the dog and both cats will be on my lap in a minute, while the rabbit is chewing something across the room, and she's spinning circles "trying to get comfortable". No shit the animals won't sit with you, you never stop moving!")
Well, I put up with your crazy all the damn time.
Why would I buy you a new car? I bought you 3 already and I only totaled 2 of them!
Why would I buy a new truck that you're not embarrassed to be seen in? You know how much gun stuff I've bought with my truck payments in the last 10 years?
You know the dog loves me more because she knows I'm the alpha. It's a man thing, you just have to accept it. I'm sure the turtle loves you more, he's just not very good at showing it (we have a turtle, rabbit, 2 cats, and a dog. If we both sit on the couch the dog and both cats will be on my lap in a minute, while the rabbit is chewing something across the room, and she's spinning circles "trying to get comfortable". No shit the animals won't sit with you, you never stop moving!")
Sure...she hates it when I reply Sure to anything. It's usually when I dont care and/or she asks me a question and answers it for me in the same sentence. i.e.:
Her: What do you want for dinner tonight...does chicken sound good, I'm going to grill some?
Me: Sure
Her: Why can't you say Yes or No or that sounds really good...you know I can't stand it when you say SURE, never mind...I'm grilling chicken.
Her: What do you want for dinner tonight...does chicken sound good, I'm going to grill some?
Me: Sure
Her: Why can't you say Yes or No or that sounds really good...you know I can't stand it when you say SURE, never mind...I'm grilling chicken.
How about this gem
Me- you want some aspirin?
Her- no I don't have a headache.
Me- good, wanna fuck?
Then once the kink started
Her- no more sex until you buy me a vibrator
Me- why don't I just put it in your mouth and you hum?
Me- you want some aspirin?
Her- no I don't have a headache.
Me- good, wanna fuck?
Then once the kink started
Her- no more sex until you buy me a vibrator
Me- why don't I just put it in your mouth and you hum?
I love when they ask, but never were actually giving you a choice.
I used to date that bitch. She would dream i did something and wake up pissed off at me. Fuckin psycho bitch
Mostly when I comment on how long it takes her to get ready. No matter if its leaving the house, getting out of the car after we arrive at a place or shopping in a store. I call it "bottle assing around" and she hates it.
I make it a point to not pick on her about other things and I never insult her. Never!
I make it a point to not pick on her about other things and I never insult her. Never!
Bottle assing around is a good one. I will use it.
I tell mine, "We are leaving at 13:00, be ready or be left behind, it is up to you." She is always ready after having been left behind one time years ago.
I tell mine, "We are leaving at 13:00, be ready or be left behind, it is up to you." She is always ready after having been left behind one time years ago.
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