How to handle a severely drug addicted friend?

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Tomekeuro85

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Oct 11, 2007
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#1
Starting from the beginning..


My girlfriend's best friend, We'll call her Debby, was a 25 year old, very successful person. She was a speech pathologist with a masters degree making 75k a year plus in Boise. Her work hours were extremely flexible, she had a great future.

One day, a co worker of hers (who was an emergency room nurse) suggested she should try some meth. Debby thought to herself... meth is bad, but this girl leads a normal happy life and does meth too... why can't I.


Do Debby started doing meth. (nobody knew the story until recently).

As the standard drug addict story goes, over the past 2 years, Debby has lost her car, house, 90% of her possessions, lost a good 40lbs, has scabs all over her face, and lives in a tool shed behind her "boyfriend's" mom's house. She is currently selling the last of her stuff on craigslist to buy more meth from her drug dealing boyfriend.


this boyfriend by the way, lives with his wife.

Anyways, back to Debby. Over the last 2 years, the decline has been obvious. The lying, erratic behavior, excuses, etc. She has denied being on any drugs.


The girl who got her into meth has started contacting all her friends in a panic since Monday (3 days ago), telling them that if Debby doesn't get help and leave the state to get away from her boyfriend, she will end up dead.

Debby insists that she doesn't have a problem and her friends are betraying her by thinking so low of her to assume she's on drugs. She has used excuses like : an extensive yeast infection, diet pills, and my favorite, vampires have done this to her. (shows how far gone she is to even try such an excuse)



We are trying to figure out a way to force her into rehab, and as a side bonus bust her boyfriend to put him in prison for the dealing. This all just came out a couple of days ago so we're still getting things together but I figure some of you may have some ideas.


Any help would be appreciated as far as forcing her into rehab at any cost, and like I said putting the guy behind bars for a good decade.
 
#2
Jail seems to be a good detox facility. Just don't send any money to commissary or whatever, or you'll be subsidizing her drug habbit while she's in.
 
#3
confront them. cut them out of your life if they refuse to get help. they will lie , steal and try to take advantage of anyone , and i do mean anyone that they cross paths with.
 
#4
Tough love, i.e. cut her off completely. She said she doesn't have a problem (denial) so until she realizes that she does, you can't do shit for her and you're better off doing some CYA and cutting her out of your life completely.

It's like a homeless person, if you give them cash or food/aide you're actually empowering them to remain homeless, same goes for people on food-stamps/welfare/etc.
 
#5
QuickNDirty said:
Jail seems to be a good detox facility. Just don't send any money to commissary or whatever, or you'll be subsidizing her drug habbit while she's in.
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Jail is only a temporary 'fix'. Though on the surface, it would seem Debbie, was well adjusted before she started the meth addiction, drug addiction is usually the symptom of a deeper problem. Until she first, admits to having a problem, and secondly, recognizes the need for rehab there's not much you can do. If you get caught up in her nightmare it will drain you, and she will eventually wipe her feet on you. Remember the quote..."Never argue with an idiot...they will wear you down and then beat you with experience." Unfortunately, the situation your in is very similar. My advice is to be supportive, put her in jail if necessary, then let her know your there for her, IF AND WHEN she sees she needs and asks for help. Til then your flushing your energy down the crapper. Good luck.
 
#6
Bottom line is there is NO WAY to help her until she is ready to help herself. She has to find HER bottom. I know that everyone looking in from the outside would think that she is at her bottom now but people that deal with addition have a very low bottom and will often times never find it.
Let her know when she is ready to take some action you are there to help her. Until then pray for her and let it run its course. Once she is ready to do something get her into a 12 step program (NA/AA).
 
#7
Part of the problem is (unless I'm missing something) we can't just put her in jail.

Nobody supports her either...None of her old friends talk to her anymore. They tried and tried, told her they knew she was on drugs, told her they wanted to help etc. But she lived in a world of denial and took offense to everyones attempts to help. They all eventually gave up and went their own way. The only person she really talks to anymore is her worthless loser boyfriend who pretty much controls what she does, who she talks to, etc. Her brother and sister aren't going to turn their backs on her...they are already planning a trip to boise to pick her up and take her to washington where they live.

Is there a way to just "put someone in jail"? Or get some kind of court order to put her in a non-optional rehab program?
 
#8
Tomekeuro85 said:
Is there a way to just "put someone in jail"? Or get some kind of court order to put her in a non-optional rehab program?
Click to expand...

No there isn't. The best bet would be to stage an intervention...however...based on her level of denial it probably wouldn't work but it may be worth the shot. Find some type of rehab and set her up for it. She HAS to want to go on her own though or else it will be nothing but a waste of time.

Personally, I would focus on getting rid of the boyfriend however possible (legally obviously, well kind of). Get him arrested and locked up and she will likely be at a very low point and susceptible to an intervention of sorts.
 
#9
Also, VERY VERY important you guys find a Nar-anon or if worse comes to worse an al-anon (just to understand what she is going through). Without truly understanding the addiction it's hard to help her. I would gather all her loved ones and get to one of those. Plus you'll be able to meet and discuss with people who have been through this before.
 
#10
Debbie's a lost cause until she hits rock bottom. If you want to get her arrested, call the cops and give them a tip of where she and her boyfriend are at. I'm sure they'll find drugs there. However, jail may exacerbate the problem, or help her find the bottom. Either way, as you describe her now, there's not much that can be done. I agree with whomever suggested you find NA. Maybe they can help you figure this out. Do NOT over-involve yourself. While it's a tragedy, her pain is self-chosen and you shouldn't sacrifice your own family's well-being for a person that isn't asking or looking for help.
 
#11
totally depends on the person. I have one in the family and I don't think he will ever get rite.. (he has a lot of daemons from child hood). he has been to rehab I think 7 times now and there is no breaking his habits. some people get tired of that life and are able to kick it some simply kill them selves with it. Its hard to tell until the process begins.
 
#14
As others have said, you can't help her until she wants to help herself. The person your gf once knew no longer exists, as hard as that may be to realize, it is the truth. It may sound harsh but wash your hands of her. Your gf can tell her that she will gladly take her to a rehab facility and be a source of support while she is there but that should be the only help offered.
 
#15
What a tragedy and an illustration of the consequences of bad choices.

The 'wash your hands of her' approach only cements her position as hopeless and she's doomed. From what little I know of meth it's not the type of drug that deep addiction to allows a road back from. She needs a 'rendition' style intervention and the BF needs to find out what moonless nights and 2x4's are for. By all means, call the police first regarding the BF and beg that Debby doens't go to jail and instead gets put into the custody of her family who should immediately take her to a professional facility.

One other tract if nothing else works - have her committed. She's clearly not rational (vampires) and is more harm to herself than otherwise...

I wish everyone involved (sans BF) the best of luck.

Dealers should really be free-game...
 
#16
As others have mentioned, there is no helping her until she is admits her problem and wants help.

Long gone are the days where you could have someone "committed" for a drug problem. They can't be committed unless they are in imminent danger of suicide (abusing drugs doesn't count) or have active psychosis or homicidal ideation. Inpatient treatment costs a lot; this girl obviously doesn't have funds for treatment so her family would have to pony up the money.

Just remember even casual use of drugs and alcohol is like Russian roulette. Depending on the substance, some can use "temperately" but if you have the inclination, even a little introduction and short time use can result in long time abuse and a ruined life.
 
#17
While it's a tragedy, her pain is self-chosen and you shouldn't sacrifice your own family's well-being for a person that isn't asking or looking for help.
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That's the bottom line.

I have a family member who has struggled with drug/alcohol addiction for about 10 years. The entire family has reached the point that we no longer have any interaction with him. He has stolen anything he can pawn or trade, forged checks, brought drugs and prostitutes in to family member's homes and grown increasing violent over the past few years. The last time he came to my door he refused to leave, jerked open the outer door and came in the house. I had to force him out at gunpoint. He sat outside until a cop arrived. He did a pretty good number on the cop (broken nose, broken femur). I had to stop him or I don't know if the LE would have gotten off the ground. Backup tased him twice to get him in the car. Over the years he has been arrested at least a dozen times. Served less than a year for beating the cop.

The family has wasted tens of thousands of dollars in various treatment programs. He has been in at least a dozen different programs...even completed a few. He graduated from the last one and waited almost four hours before getting high.

He lives on the streets now and blames us for not providing him with food and shelter. He is 33 and we don't expect him to see 40. We have a life insurance policy to cover his burial. In hind sight, we should have walked away years ago.
 
#18
I agree with what most are saying, stay at arms length so one could never be an enabler, but really, friends don't abandon friends in a time of need.
I hope she survives and can overcome this sickness.
 
#19
not doing anything is as bad or worse than everyone showing up and proving she's a loser. There is hope but a majority of the hope will have to come from here. Even if you were to pick her up, take her to detox, put her in therapy and give her a good job afterwards, if she can't see the forest from the trees, she'll likely slip again. Keep in mind, many slip several times before gaining true footing.

One of my brothers died 3 years ago due to drug overdose. We tried everything possible to get him to quit and he would for a little while but would eventually slipped back into usage. Talking to him one day, not lecturing just trying to understand him a little better so maybe I could help--he knew he should quit, and could...he simply didn't want to...he said that he knew he would die of a DO, said he "saw it in a dream" and was OK with it. He wouldn't speak of his demons but I knew they were there...he simply couldn't look past them. Some people, no matter what you do, you simply can't help.

I did have a good friend of mine that was able to see past his demons. He was heavy into coke for a few years and ended up living in his vehicle for a while. I don't know what turned him around. He says it was me...maybe it was but I can't take credit for it. All I did was continue to be a true friend.

I wasn't about to let him live with me, all that would do is support him and bring legal liability that no one needs. What I did do was be there on the phone when needed, call him to see how he was doing, go visit etc. I'd also take him to eat or to a hotel to get showed from time to time. There were endless hours of "therapy" type conversation...did my best to get him to understand behavioral modification but it took a while to sink in.

One thing he did on his own was to go to the group therapy while he was slowing down. One day he started counseling others which is where I think that ultimately got him clean. Even after he got clean he continued to counsel others which seemed to give him purpose...that was 7-8 years ago.

Getting her clean can be done but it requires A, she wanting help B. A friend that is smart enough and cares enough to do the research it takes to deal with the situation.
 
#20
Thanks for all the help guys. Definitely a tough situation for my gf and everyone involved... she has literally said Debby is just a shell of what her best friend used to be. Doesn't even respond to Debbys texts anymore because she would just send 5 page text messages full of excuses and lies. Hopefully her family can help her out of this. We live in chicago and Debby is in Boise so there's not much we can do from here other than assist her family members. I was hoping there was maybe a way to get her forced into rehab. I think we'll start by tipping the state police to her boyfriends address and his drug dealing habits. I suspect the police will do a fantastic job of putting him in prison.

Her sister used to be a pretty solid alcoholic but was able to finally recover and now lives a normal life. The reason for both of their addictions was the passing of their mother, to whom both of them were incredibly close. The mother passed away more than 6 or 7 years ago but Debby coped with it without the use of drugs or alcohol for a good 5 years and apparently finally just snapped.


This is still developing so I guess I'll update as time allows and as I find out more

Thanks again
 
#21
You do not have a friend, you Had a Friend, that person no longer exists. Stay away, these type people do not just quit, they will have the drugs on them, near them, going to get some more etc., if you live a crime free life, stay away. If the addicts family could use some help, and it's real, maybe you could consider some cash to the family, other than that, you are going to involve your self in criminal activities, and yes you knew in advance this person is a drug addict, don't act surprised if your involvement with a drug addict gets you a call from the cops. Once again the person you "knew" is gone, let them go.
 
#24
You have lost a friend to the drugs. This is not your friend anymore. This person will lie without compunction. They will steal anything of value to afford drugs. They will ask for your support and use you as well as they can to further their aim to aquire drugs.

I had a fellow I was mentoring and one day his wife showed up at work to tell me she had returned home from overseas where she was engaged as a nurse and her husband told her that they had been burglarized and he was going to the police station to report the crime. The only thing left in the apartment was the vacum cleaner. It turned out he had withdrawn the money she was banking from her job as fast as she was making it. He was lost to drugs. I told her he is lost and you need to start over. He wound up dealing and landed in jail long term. This fellow had a bright future and I help him land a job with the university. All gone and down the drain.
Something mere mortals such as myself can't understand.
One thing I know is that person you knew is gone gone gone. You are not dealing with the same person.
 
#25
All too true. You can't help until she wants it.

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY DO NOT LET HER STAY IN YOUR HOUSE!

Do not lend a hand. She needs to find rock bottom before she'll pull her head out.
 
#26
MegaMaten308 said:
You have lost a friend to the drugs. This is not your friend anymore. This person will lie without compunction. They will steal anything of value to afford drugs. They will ask for your support and use you as well as they can to further their aim to aquire drugs.

I had a fellow I was mentoring and one day his wife showed up at work to tell me she had returned home from overseas where she was engaged as a nurse and her husband told her that they had been burglarized and he was going to the police station to report the crime. The only thing left in the apartment was the vacum cleaner. It turned out he had withdrawn the money she was banking from her job as fast as she was making it. He was lost to drugs. I told her he is lost and you need to start over. He wound up dealing and landed in jail long term. This fellow had a bright future and I help him land a job with the university. All gone and down the drain.
Something mere mortals such as myself can't understand.
One thing I know is that person you knew is gone gone gone. You are not dealing with the same person.
Click to expand...

I completely agree with this statement but would like to add some things to it. I have worked in behavioral health and drug&alcohol/co-occurring disorders for 9 years and teach youthful offenders program (D&A related) on some weekends. Like I said the above statement is true, but when someone is actively using. They can infact go through many periods of recovery, some longer than others, and even more rarely...sometimes they actually recover and never use again for the duration of their life (I'd like to emphasize that this is very rare, relapse is the norm).

This is going to tear you up if you don't get some help for you and your wife (this is her best friend after all). You have to keep in mind that your friend is NOT your friend while they are using. They will do and say things that you never thought possible. I want to warn you that they can be VERY DANGEROUS and you should not put your guard down around severe addicts. I have seen it in my professional life more than I'd like to say. She can cause so much physical, emotional, and spiritual damage to you and yours if you don't prepare yourself.

Now my advice for the friend is to contact your local behavioral health agency (most likely run by county) and request that they do an assessment on this young lady. If she's staying in a tool shed then that may be enough to get a qualified crisis worker to go out and see her for an assessment. That can get the ball rolling on services. Good luck.
 
#27
I agree with everything posted above, but I can't pick out what I agree with the most. I've been going through this same thing for years with a dear friend of mine. I don't have any brothers, and this guy is the closest thing I've had to a brother. We grew up together, ran together in high school, remained friends through college and after college. However, he came from a much less fortunate background that I did. Grew up with no dad. I guess I've always used that as an excuse of sorts for him. Our lives took different paths from college on. He got into drugs. Sold drugs. Did drugs. We were rarely around each other. Then he got cancer and nearly died. Had to drop out of college, but cleaned up completely and got a "real job". We became friends again. 2 years later the cancer was back, and he wasn't supposed to make it, but he did. This time around he became very addicted to opiates/pain medication (vicodan and oxycotton). After the cancer went away he got back into his drug of choice, meth. Then he started using drug and eventually selling them again. He went to prison for 1.5 years for selling drugs. I remained friends with him. Even visited him in prison once. I felt bad for him, and I while I wanted to just walk away, I felt guilty that I was turning my back on somebody that was like a brother. I had spent numerous long nights in a chair next to him at MD Anderson, I wasn't going to just turn my back on him now. His oldest brother died from a drug overdose, and his other two brothers are in and out of prison and both shells of their former selves. Druggies. Once out of prison my friend, James, was determined not to follow in his brothers' footsteps. He had a job within 2 weeks, and had an apartment within 30 days. He became the number 1 salesperson in the nation in his company. He was always extremely competitive in every thing he did, and sales (legitimate sales) seemed to suit him well. He worked 60+ hours a week. His pain killer addiction thrived. He had prescriptions to pain killers, but they were from quack-shack doctors. I knew it was bullshit, and so did he, but he used it to justify taking them on a daily basis. You know...because of the cancer he had 4 years previous. I just ignored it. He got into a relationship with a hot little chick that worked with him. She moved in with him pretty quickly. She liked the pills he took. She got pregnant. They now have a 2 year old daughter. He moved into the car sales business to make more money. Within 30 days of starting in the car business, he became the top salesperson in Houston, 3 months later was top salesperson in the country. He's good at convincing people to do things, mainly because he's so good at lying to himself I suppose. He was on his feet 6 days a week, 12 hours a day in the car business. Was running out of energy. Started doing meth again, "for the energy he needed to support his family..." A very noble cause indeed. I advised against it, yet remained friends with him. His girlfriend/mother of his child doesn't work. She is addicted to xanax. She sits around the apartment in a haze every single day of her life. In Dec of 2011 James stopped working at the car dealership. Apparently, he had been going to places other than work for months to do meth during the day. In December he finally said screw it and stayed home to do meth. He had spent all of the money he'd made. The gf had a 1 year old vehicle that her mom had paid cash for. He traded it in for $20K in Jan 2012, used $10K for down payment on a car for himself, and was supposed to buy her a car with the other $10K.... She does not have a car. His car has been repossesed. Over the course of 2012 I gave him approxiately $11,000. I've spent numerous hours on the phone with him just trying to be there. I've bought groceries for his daughter. He "broke up" with his girlfriend in Nov 2012. He's been living in weekly motels, out of his car (until it was repoe'd with all his belongings inside), on the street, or crashing with other druggies since then. I gave him $1500 in January to get a new apartment because he was "starting work at a BMW dealership next week...". He never started that job nor did he get that apartment. He also failed to return the $1500, but did manage to, very apologetically, ask for just a little more money, as a loan of course, until his sizeable income tax return came in. I finally told him no more. No more money. No more anything, and I told him not to ask me for money. He's CHOSEN to turn his back on his child and spouse. He left them with nothing, not even a vehicle. Did I mention he's also addicted to internet gambling. He plays slot machines on internet gambling sites. He layed out an actual business plan to me that involved him playing slot machines on 5 different websites concurrently. WTF??? It's gut-wrenching for me to think about. I haven't heard from him in about 6 weeks now. He most likely got his income tax return (which he had already pledged $5000 to me), and I'm 100% certain he'll start sending me texts when the money is just about to run out.

He's homeless, moneyless, jobless, and he needs help in the worst way. And when he calls, I am not going to help him. I will talk to him, but that is all. I will not meet up with him "to grab a beer", (for me to buy him a beer), I will not pay for "just a couple nights" in some roach motel, I will not be used any longer. I've held a bucket for him to puke in because the chemo treatments were so bad. I've ridden out cancer with him twice, and never gave up hope. I wrote and visited him in jail, and never gave up home. I tried to "help" in when he fell on bad times in the last few years and never gave up hope. I love this guy like a brother, and I have officially given up hope. He is a walking corpse, and it's time for me to move on. I'm crying as I type this. I don't have any idea why I chose to let all of this out in this particular place, but here it is. I've never said it out loud before.

OP, please show your girlfriend this post. She isn't anywhere near as far down the line as I am with my friend, but I can assure you, the ending will be nearly identical. IF, Debby WANTS to make it, then Debby will find a way to make it with or without your girlfriend's help. In the meantime, your girlfriend will simply be a tool used to get more drugs.
 
#28
bluto77 said:
I agree with everything posted above, but I can't pick out what I agree with the most. I've been going through this same thing for years with a dear friend of mine. I don't have any brothers, and this guy is the closest thing I've had to a brother. We grew up together, ran together in high school, remained friends through college and after college. However, he came from a much less fortunate background that I did. Grew up with no dad. I guess I've always used that as an excuse of sorts for him. Our lives took different paths from college on. He got into drugs. Sold drugs. Did drugs. We were rarely around each other. Then he got cancer and nearly died. Had to drop out of college, but cleaned up completely and got a "real job". We became friends again. 2 years later the cancer was back, and he wasn't supposed to make it, but he did. This time around he became very addicted to opiates/pain medication (vicodan and oxycotton). After the cancer went away he got back into his drug of choice, meth. Then he started using drug and eventually selling them again. He went to prison for 1.5 years for selling drugs. I remained friends with him. Even visited him in prison once. I felt bad for him, and I while I wanted to just walk away, I felt guilty that I was turning my back on somebody that was like a brother. I had spent numerous long nights in a chair next to him at MD Anderson, I wasn't going to just turn my back on him now. His oldest brother died from a drug overdose, and his other two brothers are in and out of prison and both shells of their former selves. Druggies. Once out of prison my friend, James, was determined not to follow in his brothers' footsteps. He had a job within 2 weeks, and had an apartment within 30 days. He became the number 1 salesperson in the nation in his company. He was always extremely competitive in every thing he did, and sales (legitimate sales) seemed to suit him well. He worked 60+ hours a week. His pain killer addiction thrived. He had prescriptions to pain killers, but they were from quack-shack doctors. I knew it was bullshit, and so did he, but he used it to justify taking them on a daily basis. You know...because of the cancer he had 4 years previous. I just ignored it. He got into a relationship with a hot little chick that worked with him. She moved in with him pretty quickly. She liked the pills he took. She got pregnant. They now have a 2 year old daughter. He moved into the car sales business to make more money. Within 30 days of starting in the car business, he became the top salesperson in Houston, 3 months later was top salesperson in the country. He's good at convincing people to do things, mainly because he's so good at lying to himself I suppose. He was on his feet 6 days a week, 12 hours a day in the car business. Was running out of energy. Started doing meth again, "for the energy he needed to support his family..." A very noble cause indeed. I advised against it, yet remained friends with him. His girlfriend/mother of his child doesn't work. She is addicted to xanax. She sits around the apartment in a haze every single day of her life. In Dec of 2011 James stopped working at the car dealership. Apparently, he had been going to places other than work for months to do meth during the day. In December he finally said screw it and stayed home to do meth. He had spent all of the money he'd made. The gf had a 1 year old vehicle that her mom had paid cash for. He traded it in for $20K in Jan 2012, used $10K for down payment on a car for himself, and was supposed to buy her a car with the other $10K.... She does not have a car. His car has been repossesed. Over the course of 2012 I gave him approxiately $11,000. I've spent numerous hours on the phone with him just trying to be there. I've bought groceries for his daughter. He "broke up" with his girlfriend in Nov 2012. He's been living in weekly motels, out of his car (until it was repoe'd with all his belongings inside), on the street, or crashing with other druggies since then. I gave him $1500 in January to get a new apartment because he was "starting work at a BMW dealership next week...". He never started that job nor did he get that apartment. He also failed to return the $1500, but did manage to, very apologetically, ask for just a little more money, as a loan of course, until his sizeable income tax return came in. I finally told him no more. No more money. No more anything, and I told him not to ask me for money. He's CHOSEN to turn his back on his child and spouse. He left them with nothing, not even a vehicle. Did I mention he's also addicted to internet gambling. He plays slot machines on internet gambling sites. He layed out an actual business plan to me that involved him playing slot machines on 5 different websites concurrently. WTF??? It's gut-wrenching for me to think about. I haven't heard from him in about 6 weeks now. He most likely got his income tax return (which he had already pledged $5000 to me), and I'm 100% certain he'll start sending me texts when the money is just about to run out.

He's homeless, moneyless, jobless, and he needs help in the worst way. And when he calls, I am not going to help him. I will talk to him, but that is all. I will not meet up with him "to grab a beer", (for me to buy him a beer), I will not pay for "just a couple nights" in some roach motel, I will not be used any longer. I've held a bucket for him to puke in because the chemo treatments were so bad. I've ridden out cancer with him twice, and never gave up hope. I wrote and visited him in jail, and never gave up home. I tried to "help" in when he fell on bad times in the last few years and never gave up hope. I love this guy like a brother, and I have officially given up hope. He is a walking corpse, and it's time for me to move on. I'm crying as I type this. I don't have any idea why I chose to let all of this out in this particular place, but here it is. I've never said it out loud before.

OP, please show your girlfriend this post. She isn't anywhere near as far down the line as I am with my friend, but I can assure you, the ending will be nearly identical. IF, Debby WANTS to make it, then Debby will find a way to make it with or without your girlfriend's help. In the meantime, your girlfriend will simply be a tool used to get more drugs.
Click to expand...

This is a good place to let it out, brother. A lot of good men on here who can feel you pain and talk with you about it. Just know this, you've done all you can. You've been a good friend...no matter what happens you canalways know that.
 
#30
From a guy that's been clean and sober for a little while, I can tell you that no one quits until they're done.
Unfortunately too many souls are lost to prison and death before they realize that their bottom is wherever they quit digging.
 
#31
I work at a county jail and see it. I have relatives that will never quit even after countless rehabs. I used drugs before my son was born. Best advice I ever heard was from Johnny Cash " Every morning I get up I make the choice not to use, it's not done when you quit, you deal with it every day of your life"
I wish Debby all the luck in the world but bottom line, the only one in her way is Debby. She ultimately has to make the choice.
A true friend is brutally honest.
 
#33
You handle them carefully, if at all. If you do not exercise extreme caution, their lunacy will come into your life.

I do the same with girlfriends. If I go out with them a time or two and get the feeling that there are issues with maniacal ex-husbands or kids that need to be on a thorazine drip still living their basement at age 30, I move along. I have worked to have a drama free and productive life and plan maintaining same.

Edit to add that I have no problem paying light bills, putting tires on their car, buying groceries, etc., but a woman that needs a helping hand is a world apart from a woman that needs a shrink.
 
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#34
It's crazy to see how many poeple have gone through the same stuff. I never really thought of serious drug problems as "real" because I never saw it actually happen. It's bewildering to me to watch someone go down the drain with seemingly no control over it.

I actually watched a documentary on meth over the weekend... it said something like 92% of meth users who go to rehab end up back on meth.



As for my girlfriend's situation... she has had enough at this point. She has already gone through the "i feel sorry for you" and "let me help you financially" stages. She's sick of the excuses and BS Debby is giving her. As are all of Debby's friends. For now we are letting Debby's family make their attempt and we'll see what happens from there. Thanks guys for all the suggestions and support, she really appreciates it.
 
#35
I don't know what to tell you man. Stay out of their way. I see folks like this every day in the ER. There isn't anything magical about things I can do, or what rehab does or does not do. Besides good social support, not much can be done. Jail seems to have the most effect, as it's mandated and monitored detox, essentially, with limited access. Rehab facilities are plagued with dealers. And no one can be helped who does not want to be.
 
#36
nashlaw said:
You handle them carefully, if at all. If you do not exercise extreme caution, their lunacy will come into your life.

I do the same with girlfriends. If I go out with them a time or two and get the feeling that there are issues with maniacal ex-husbands or kids that need to be on a thorazine drip still living their basement at age 30, I move along. I have worked to have a drama free and productive life and plan maintaining same.

Edit to add that I have no problem paying light bills, putting tires on their car, buying groceries, etc., but a woman that needs a helping hand is a world apart from a woman that needs a shrink.
Click to expand...

There must be some that don't need either.....
 
#38
bluto77 said:
I bet that number is higher than 92%.
Click to expand...
I like to see ONE actual meth addict, that has stayed drug free to 3 years, outside of prison, or a hospital, or stranded on a desert island etc., just one, then I'd believe in the 92%, otherwise I'd bet the number is higher, remember, 3 years with means and opportunity, prison/jail/hospital time do not count. I feel I must add, or have not tuned to some other drug of choice-heroin/crack/etc......
 
#39
Handle it with love from a distance. You must appreciate that you can care about your friend without caring for your friend. Think of the syntax here and try to internalize what I mean. I mean you can care about their well-being without taking care of them (enabling) or preferring their company.
 
#40
I have a family member who has drug/alcohol addiction problems. She has been in prison twice and arrested countless times. My parents let her move in with them when she got out the last time. She used them any way she could. She played them against each other and created lots of problems. They finally wised up and told her she had to move out after 2 years. She had the nerve to tell them that they didn't care about her and they were turning their backs on her. She was using the whole time she lived with them. She lied and manipulated them and took anything and everything she could. She was out on her own about a month or two and my parents received a phone call that she had assaulted an individual and had run from the cops and wrecked her car. She wanted them to bail her out of jail again. When they said no she went off about how nobody cares about her and they never helped her. Shewill be 60 this year and iI don't think she will ever get things squared away. Its a shame and a waste. The fact is you can't help someone who won't help them self.
 
#41
pawprint2 said:
I like to see ONE actual meth addict, that has stayed drug free to 3 years, outside of prison, or a hospital, or stranded on a desert island etc., just one, then I'd believe in the 92%, otherwise I'd bet the number is higher, remember, 3 years with means and opportunity, prison/jail/hospital time do not count. I feel I must add, or have not tuned to some other drug of choice-heroin/crack/etc......
Click to expand...
It can be done. It takes a total life change but it can be done.
 
#42
pawprint2 said:
I like to see ONE actual meth addict, that has stayed drug free to 3 years, outside of prison, or a hospital, or stranded on a desert island etc.
Click to expand...
I have known a few that have stayed clean and productive for longer than three years but not many. I also grew up in rural Missouri and ran with a fairly rough crowd (plenty of meth-heads), just due to numbers I was bound to know a couple that beat the odds. All of the meth-heads I knew who got clean and stayed clean was due to some tragic event causing rock bottom (best friend overdosed, fell asleep at the wheel after 3 days of not sleeping and spent 2 months in ICU, ect.)
 
#43
tmada45 said:
I have a family member who has drug/alcohol addiction problems. She has been in prison twice and arrested countless times. My parents let her move in with them when she got out the last time. She used them any way she could. She played them against each other and created lots of problems. They finally wised up and told her she had to move out after 2 years. She had the nerve to tell them that they didn't care about her and they were turning their backs on her. She was using the whole time she lived with them. She lied and manipulated them and took anything and everything she could. She was out on her own about a month or two and my parents received a phone call that she had assaulted an individual and had run from the cops and wrecked her car. She wanted them to bail her out of jail again. When they said no she went off about how nobody cares about her and they never helped her. Shewill be 60 this year and iI don't think she will ever get things squared away. Its a shame and a waste. The fact is you can't help someone who won't help them self.
Click to expand...

I know that song...every word, every line.
 
#45
Folks are going to use dope.

For example, look at Singapore and Malaysia.
They kill their dopers, they don't have them on death row for twenty years, and folks still use/sell dope there.
They do, however, have a very low recidivism rate.
I have had to deal with a mother that had lost custody of her children, the kids lived with their grandparents. Mom of the year stole the kids x box and a few other things to pawn and buy crack.

It is the life and death they choose, no one forces it on them. They are a burden on society and frequently a complete waste of DNA.
To the OP, break the bad news to your girlfriend that the girl she used to know, for all practical purposes, is dead.
She should treat it as such and break contact with her.
 
#47
Pretty much been covered but no addict will ever be saved without first admitting they want help, even then its a tough battle. ole debbie needs to be cut off and told exactly why it is shes being cut off
 
#48
I agree with what everyone above has said. I lost a friend I grew up with a few months ago to an overdose. He got help and was clean for awhile. Came home and stayed away from the old friends and was doing good. He even worked at a rehab facility for awhile I believe. He started hanging out with his old friends again and fell right back into his old ways. He knew he needed help and moved away and lived with his dad to get away from people that he knew drug him down. He started traveling around with a Christian speaker or musician don't know which it was and seemed to be doing better. He came home for his and two best friends he grew up with's birthday (non drug users). They went to dinner and he saw a guy he used to know through drugs. He bought some from him and took it later that night. He was found by his best friends the next morning dead a week before his 21st birthday.

Even people that know and want help fall back into it and relapse. He told me no matter how much he wanted to quit and be clean it would always be a struggle for him. The things that worked best for him was starting life in a new state where he didn't know exactly where to go get drugs.
 
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