It's been a wild type of day.

[LuckyDuck]

Woke up this morning around 7am and knocked out one of my tasks from my list of repainting a wall in my dining room so I can get the thermostat back in action. Knocked that out by 0930 and started venturing into other projects to be productive.

By around 1100 I started going through old papers that needed to be shredded, knocked that out and ended up with a big old ziploc bag containing letters that were saved from when I was deployed. Unfortunately water got into that bag while we were living at the apartment so the letters were all but ruined. Rather upsetting but it is what it is.

Anywho- I began the task of going through the bag of letters and pulled an Enron type of deal and spent hours reading what I had and shredding them for about 7-8 hours. It was a bit of a surreal experience, not just the context in which the letters were written necessarily but (for me at least) who wrote the letters). Long since passed grandparents, great aunts/uncles, traditional aunts/uncles... and one of the odd things were due to the water damage, the letters essentially "resealed" themselves so I essentially spent hours reopening letters from when I lived a different life to read letters from deceased family members.

It kinda has my brain scrambled tonight now that it's over and I'm mentally in a different place tonight. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

-LD

 

[LuckyDuck]

Maybe it's just me.

-LD

 

[Aftermath]

Maybe it's just me.

-LD

Not just you.
I had a similar experience about 15 years ago. I spent several days just sorta reliving some of the past, burying some ghosts, melancholic. I decided that most of that stuff was just baggage that I had lugged around for (some of it) 40 years and it was time to let it go.
I had a little ceremony in my backyard with a fire. I'd read a letter or whatever and say good bye and burn it.
Might seem drastic but I found it cleansing and felt a weight lifted from my soul.
Full disclosure...I don't have children to pass stuff to anyway. AND..if I did, I wouldn't want to put them through the task of sorting through all my old baggage.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Not just you.
I had a similar experience about 15 years ago. I spent several days just sorta reliving some of the past, burying some ghosts, melancholic. I decided that most of that stuff was just baggage that I had lugged around for (some of it) 40 years and it was time to let it go.
I had a little ceremony in my backyard with a fire. I'd read a letter or whatever and say good bye and burn it.
Might seem drastic but I found it cleansing and felt a weight lifted from my soul.
Full disclosure...I don't have children to pass stuff to anyway. AND..if I did, I wouldn't want to put them through the task of sorting through all my old baggage.

Sincerely appreciate you chiming in- just felt like I got hit with a double whammy today, first hit was reliving a previous life, the second hit having to read notes from long deceased relatives. Like I said, it's been a particularly wild type of day for me.

-LD

 

[Aftermath]

Sincerely appreciate you chiming in- just felt like I got hit with a double whammy today, first hit was reliving a previous life, the second hit having to read notes from long deceased relatives. Like I said, it's been a particularly wild type of day for me.

-LD

I had an aunt die about 10 years ago. I had just tons of emails from her saved in a folder on the email app. It was liberating to let them go.
Let that stuff go. Even the "good" stuff. It's over, gone and not coming back.

 

[LuckyDuck]

I had an aunt die about 10 years ago. I had just tons of emails from her saved in a folder on the email app. It was liberating to let them go.
Let that stuff go. Even the "good" stuff. It's over, gone and not coming back.

Agreed, just hard to do a hard delete on everything is all.

 

[XLR308]

I did the same last year and had a very similar feeling and experience.
Had stuff that I really didn't even remember still lugging around.
Old track and field medals, news paper clippings, letters from time in the military you name it.
Hell I even still had the Sash I got for homecoming king my senior year , I don't think I've ever felt so narcissistic in my life upon pulling that from a box after all these years and into the trash it went.
My wife however wouldn't let me throw away all the medals from track and field events for some strange reason I can't explain.
Might have to use a few of the medals for some 300-400 yard targets just for kicks since they would look cool with bullet holes in them.

 

[LuckyDuck]

I did the same last year and had a very similar feeling and experience.
Had stuff that I really didn't even remember still lugging around.
Old track and field medals, news paper clippings, letters from time in the military you name it.
Hell I even still had the Sash I got for homecoming king my senior year , I don't think I've ever felt so narcissistic in my life upon pulling that from a box after all these years and into the trash it went.
My wife however wouldn't let me throw away all the medals from track and field events for some strange reason I can't explain.
Might have to use a few of the medals for some 300-400 yard targets just for kicks since they would look cool with bullet holes in them.

That's pretty much it- I feel like I'm chasing after ghosts at this point. My only intention was to clear out some boxes from the move and it just sent me on a spiral going through everything.

-LD

 

[Aftermath]

Agreed, just hard to do a hard delete on everything is all.

Yeah...I can honestly tell you that I had buyers remorse for at least a month and worried that I'd regret it. Fast forward...sold my house and bought property and moved about 1800 miles. I threw away and gave away and sold cheap lots more stuff. I have no regrets now. Like @XLR308 said, finding stuff you haven't even seen for decades, maybe even had forgotten about...just get rid of it. I understand the trepidation and I can almost guarantee you will feel some sort of regret but that will pass and you will feel liberated not having the anchors to a past that is no longer you.

EDIT to add: I was really depressed while I was going through some of that stuff. It had me real down. I thought about things I should ahve done differently and shit. I won't ever have to be reminded physically of any of those days again and neither will anyone else.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Yeah...I can honestly tell you that I had buyers remorse for at least a month and worried that I'd regret it. Fast forward...sold my house and bought property and moved about 1800 miles. I threw away and gave away and sold cheap lots more stuff. I have no regrets now. Like @XLR308 said, finding stuff you haven't even seen for decades, maybe even had forgotten about...just get rid of it. I understand the trepidation and I can almost guarantee you will feel some sort of regret but that will pass and you will feel liberated not having the anchors to a past that is no longer you.

EDIT to add: I was really depressed while I was going through some of that stuff. It had me real down. I thought about things I should ahve done differently and shit. I won't ever have to be reminded physically of any of those days again and neither will anyone else.

You rock man- you pretty much surmised everything I'm digesting tonight. Just stuck in a loop I guess.

-LD

 

[Aftermath]

Do this...take something you think you really care about out of that pile of stuff and burn it. Do it ceremoniously so it's not like you just tossed in the garbage. Make saying goodbye mean something. Mean it when you say goodbye.
Wait a few days and burn 2 or 3 more things. Once you realize that stuff is not just an anchor dragging you down but truly just junk that won't mean one thing to anyone once you ain't inhaling anymore, you will understand what I mean by feeling liberated.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Do this...take something you think you really care about out of that pile of stuff and burn it. Do it ceremoniously so it's not like you just tossed in the garbage. Make saying goodbye mean something. Mean it when you say goodbye.
Wait a few days and burn 2 or 3 more things. Once you realize that stuff is not just an anchor dragging you down but truly just junk that won't mean one thing to anyone once you ain't inhaling anymore, you will understand what I mean by feeling liberated.

Good advice- I'm going to follow through with your suggestions. I need to break the loop I'm falling into after all.

-LD

 

[LuckyDuck]

I did the same last year and had a very similar feeling and experience.
Had stuff that I really didn't even remember still lugging around.
Old track and field medals, news paper clippings, letters from time in the military you name it.
Hell I even still had the Sash I got for homecoming king my senior year , I don't think I've ever felt so narcissistic in my life upon pulling that from a box after all these years and into the trash it went.
My wife however wouldn't let me throw away all the medals from track and field events for some strange reason I can't explain.
Might have to use a few of the medals for some 300-400 yard targets just for kicks since they would look cool with bullet holes in them.

I hear ya- it was just so surreal to have to reopen letters from deceased relatives again and relive experiences long since buried was all.

-LD

 

[Aftermath]

Good advice- I'm going to follow through with your suggestions. I need to break the loop I'm falling into after all.

-LD

Full disclosure....I cried a whole lot while I was burning and saying goodbye to lots of that stuff. That is part of it. It's a form of grief and letting go is part of the healing process. My wife was there with me through some of it but she was wanting to comfort me and such. She loves me and I get that but I NEEDED to be doing this alone. It was very personal, at least some of that stuff was. Sure, like the old clips and such from newspapers and trinkets I had kept as some sort of trophy, not so much. But some of the letters and things...wow, man, most of those folks are long dead and I won't ever get another letter from them, ya know? But I have memories, at least for now (haha) and that is where I prefer to keep those folks.
It's ok and very healthy to let the sobs come if that is what you feel.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Full disclosure....I cried a whole lot while I was burning and saying goodbye to lots of that stuff. That is part of it. It's a form of grief and letting go is part of the healing process. My wife was there with me through some of it but she was wanting to comfort me and such. She loves me and I get that but I NEEDED to be doing this alone. It was very personal, at least some of that stuff was. Sure, like the old clips and such from newspapers and trinkets I had kept as some sort of trophy, not so much. But some of the letters and things...wow, man, most of those folks are long dead and I won't ever get another letter from them, ya know? But I have memories, at least for now (haha) and that is where I prefer to keep those folks.
It's ok and very healthy to let the sobs come if that is what you feel.

I hear you man, full disclosure, it's been a bit emotional shredding these letters that I tucked away for almost 20 years, I was rather upset to learn that moisture/mold got into the bag and essentially forced my hand to dispose of them... it's like a part of my past just had to go away if that makes sense.

-LD

 

[Aftermath]

I hear you man, full disclosure, it's been a bit emotional shredding these letters that I tucked away for almost 20 years, I was rather upset to learn that moisture/mold got into the bag and essentially forced my hand to dispose of them... it's like a part of my past just had to go away if that makes sense.

-LD

Yes.
BUT...you just said it yourself, maybe without even realizing it, "a part of my past just had to go away". It becomes easier and more meaningful when you do it with purpose

 

[XLR308]

I hear you man, full disclosure, it's been a bit emotional shredding these letters that I tucked away for almost 20 years, I was rather upset to learn that moisture/mold got into the bag and essentially forced my hand to dispose of them... it's like a part of my past just had to go away if that makes sense.

-LD

It never really goes away it's just not tied to an object such as a letter or whatever it may be.
My mother passed when I was pretty young and other than pictures and memories I have an old Winchester rifle that was passed to me that everytime I pull it out of the safe I get a flood of memories of her and my grandfather and other family that otherwise seems dormant most of the time.
I have let most of it go but the memories never go away and that old Winchester rifle will be passed to my oldest son and so on.

 

[Aftermath]

Another thought I came to me and I developed a sort of philosophy about life in general and mine in particular....
I am not an "important" person. I've never held public office, employed a bunch of people...that sort of thing.
When I stop inhaling, there won't be books and movies about my life.
In a generation or 2, there won't even be anyone alive who can say they knew me and nobody is going to remember me.
In the whole of humanity, I am truly rather nothing.
It's about being humble, humility.
None of the stuff I kept for decades means anything more than me and I mean very little.
Now, I am not saying I am worthless nor am I trying to put myself down or anything...it's just the reality of life.
I now even feel that cemetery's are generally a waste of good ground that could be used to raise food for the living. I want to be cremated and my ashes unceremoniously dispersed no where in particular.
My wife has other thoughts about that, as does my brother, and they say I won't have anything to say about it...and that's true and I'm ok with that.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Again- sincerely appreciate @XLR308 & @Aftermath's comments, all good advice, but as the subject of the thread suggests, it's just been a wild/rough type of day going through old papers/documents.

-LD

 

[Aftermath]

It never really goes away it's just not tied to an object such as a letter or whatever it may be.
My mother passed when I was pretty young and other than pictures and memories I have an old Winchester rifle that was passed to me that everytime I pull it out of the safe I get a flood of memories of her and my grandfather and other family that otherwise seems dormant most of the time.
I have let most of it go but the memories never go away and that old Winchester rifle will be passed to my oldest son and so on.

Yes....I didn't rid myself of everything, for certain. My dad was KIA Vietnam and I have his guns that will be passed to the nephews along with my much more expanded collection. I have his trophies and medals and pictures that I will pass to the nephews. Thing is, they never even knew their Granddad, they do not have the same connection to his stuff that my brothers and I do.

Just a couple of generations....

 

[Aftermath]

Again- sincerely appreciate @XLR308 & @Aftermath's comments, all good advice, but as the subject of the thread suggests, it's just been a wild/rough type of day going through old papers/documents.

-LD

Peace be with you, brother. We ALL feel it once in a while.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Another thought I came to me and I developed a sort of philosophy about life in general and mine in particular....
I am not an "important" person. I've never held public office, employed a bunch of people...that sort of thing.
When I stop inhaling, there won't be books and movies about my life.
In a generation or 2, there won't even be anyone alive who can say they knew me and nobody is going to remember me.
In the whole of humanity, I am truly rather nothing.
It's about being humble, humility.
None of the stuff I kept for decades means anything more than me and I mean very little.
Now, I am not saying I am worthless nor am I trying to put myself down or anything...it's just the reality of life.
I now even feel that cemetery's are generally a waste of good ground that could be used to raise food for the living. I want to be cremated and my ashes unceremoniously dispersed no where in particular.
My wife has other thoughts about that, as does my brother, and they say I won't have anything to say about it...and that's true and I'm ok with that.

You've got a great head on your shoulder. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were a Mason.

-LD

 

[LuckyDuck]

Yes....I didn't rid myself of everything, for certain. My dad was KIA Vietnam and I have his guns that will be passed to the nephews along with my much more expanded collection. I have his trophies and medals and pictures that I will pass to the nephews. Thing is, they never even knew their Granddad, they do not have the same connection to his stuff that my brothers and I do.

Just a couple of generations....

That's all it is isn't it? My grandfather (one of the letters that has me in a loop tonight) had a grandfather himself that participated in the Civil War. It's just so wild to me to understand that we're all really 2 family connections away from that part of our history. It's also wild to me how little anyone cares about that part of our history. Heck, we don't seem to care a whole lot about our WWII relatives.


-LD

 

[XLR308]

Another thought I came to me and I developed a sort of philosophy about life in general and mine in particular....
I am not an "important" person. I've never held public office, employed a bunch of people...that sort of thing.
When I stop inhaling, there won't be books and movies about my life.
In a generation or 2, there won't even be anyone alive who can say they knew me and nobody is going to remember me.
In the whole of humanity, I am truly rather nothing.
It's about being humble, humility.
None of the stuff I kept for decades means anything more than me and I mean very little.
Now, I am not saying I am worthless nor am I trying to put myself down or anything...it's just the reality of life.
I now even feel that cemetery's are generally a waste of good ground that could be used to raise food for the living. I want to be cremated and my ashes unceremoniously dispersed no where in particular.
My wife has other thoughts about that, as does my brother, and they say I won't have anything to say about it...and that's true and I'm ok with that.

it's funny to me you put it that way as I have conveyed similar thoughts to my wife.
Been together for 30 years and of course in that amount of time just about every oddball conversation about life and death has inevitably come up.
I have said in the past to her cemeteries are a waste of perfectly good land and wouldn't mind my body being recycled in the way of letting nature and it's many forms and cycles reclaim the vessel that housed my soul when it is no longer viable.
She saw it as a bit morbid initially but understood my meaning when I described what I meant in more direct detail.
As in the body is just a material thing and not what or who I am or was if deceased it's just material to be recycled.

 

[LuckyDuck]

it's funny to me you put it that way as I have conveyed similar thoughts to my wife.
Been together for 30 years and of course in that amount of time just about every oddball conversation about life and death has inevitably come up.
I have said in the past to her cemeteries are a waste of perfectly good land and wouldn't mind my body being recycled in the way of letting nature and it's many forms and cycles reclaim the vessel that housed my soul when it is no longer viable.
She saw it as a bit morbid initially but understood my meaning when I described what I meant in more direct detail.
As in the body is just a material thing and not what or who I am or was if deceased it's just material to be recycled.

I hear ya, I really do. This wasn't my original motivation of starting this thead but on the topic- dang if I don't want to accomplish something great in my life. I just spent over 7 hours reading through moldy letters suggesting I started on a path that folks cared about but frankly now in 2024- I don't think people remember what used to be important anymore.

Anywho- I'm still a huge fan of owls and think they're nothing short of amazing creatures. No owls to listen to tonight though, just a strong thunderstorm to hold my attention.

-LD

 

[XLR308]

I hear ya, I really do. This wasn't my original motivation of starting this thead but on the topic- dang if I don't want to accomplish something great in my life. I just spent over 7 hours reading through moldy letters suggesting I started on a path that folks cared about but frankly now in 2024- I don't think people remember what used to be important anymore.

Anywho- I'm still a huge fan of owls and think they're nothing short of amazing creatures. No owls to listen to tonight though, just a strong thunderstorm to hold my attention.

-LD

I really know what you mean and meant to convey in the thread.
Most feel the same but overlook the real accomplishments that seem to fly under the radar like raising children to cary on your name first but most importantly true values that mean something like honor, respect, dignity and humility.
There doesn't seem to be enough of it going around anymore and I personally hold those values in higher regard than money, fame or recognition and have done my best to instill those values into my boys.
That's all I need to feel I have accomplished my life goals.

 

[supercorndogs]

Yeah...I can honestly tell you that I had buyers remorse for at least a month and worried that I'd regret it. Fast forward...sold my house and bought property and moved about 1800 miles. I threw away and gave away and sold cheap lots more stuff. I have no regrets now. Like @XLR308 said, finding stuff you haven't even seen for decades, maybe even had forgotten about...just get rid of it. I understand the trepidation and I can almost guarantee you will feel some sort of regret but that will pass and you will feel liberated not having the anchors to a past that is no longer you.

EDIT to add: I was really depressed while I was going through some of that stuff. It had me real down. I thought about things I should ahve done differently and shit. I won't ever have to be reminded physically of any of those days again and neither will anyone else.

I told the wife next time we move the only thinga we are taking is the guns, and pets. Everything else goes with house. And we only moved like 7 blocks.

 

[Aftermath]

I told the wife next time we move the only thinga we are taking is the guns, and pets. Everything else goes with house. And we only moved like 7 blocks.

We kept all of the tools, guns, gear, clothing, dogs, most of "decorations" especially the stuff we've acquired together, vehicles and trailers and such.
But...furniture...gone. Bottles, glasses, other fragile stuff that takes up lots of space to pack and still might not make the move...gone. Appliances...gone. I think we only had a microwave, a coffee machine, a hot plate, an air fryer and a crockpot for a good while. We were fine.

 

[Darryle]

LD, I was going to respond last night but, it was a little difficult.

My wife passed January of last year suddenly, kissed her goodbye, mades some jokes to each other and I was out the door, 45 minutes later she was fighting for her life. I didn't get a chance to speak to her and I did not make it home before the paramedics were performing CPR and trying to get her to respond to a defibrillator.

I have every email, lunch note, text and all the pictures and I catch myself reliving the day and how could I have possibly made a difference, how could I have kept a 12yo from performing CPR on her mother waiting for emergency services to arrive. Then I look back at every good memory, every quiet moment just lying next to each other, the ribbing we dished out and the decisions we made that effected the kids.

Just remember, that they are looking down and watching over you and they are there ready to carry the load if only for a short while. Grieving is a central part of healing, with every step, you grow a little stronger and it will reflect in your personality. Being sad or crying/greiving doesn't make you weak, it strengthens your character.

As hard as I try to let go, part of me fights to hold on, it makes for some tough nights, but I wouldn't change a single thing about our relationship, she knew that I loved her and that I was trying to get back to her, ultimately, that gives me peace. It gets easier, but it will never not be a part of who I am now.

 

[oneshot86]

Real sorry to hear that D.

 

[LuckyDuck]

LD, I was going to respond last night but, it was a little difficult.

My wife passed January of last year suddenly, kissed her goodbye, mades some jokes to each other and I was out the door, 45 minutes later she was fighting for her life. I didn't get a chance to speak to her and I did not make it home before the paramedics were performing CPR and trying to get her to respond to a defibrillator.

I have every email, lunch note, text and all the pictures and I catch myself reliving the day and how could I have possibly made a difference, how could I have kept a 12yo from performing CPR on her mother waiting for emergency services to arrive. Then I look back at every good memory, every quiet moment just lying next to each other, the ribbing we dished out and the decisions we made that effected the kids.

Just remember, that they are looking down and watching over you and they are there ready to carry the load if only for a short while. Grieving is a central part of healing, with every step, you grow a little stronger and it will reflect in your personality. Being sad or crying/greiving doesn't make you weak, it strengthens your character.

As hard as I try to let go, part of me fights to hold on, it makes for some tough nights, but I wouldn't change a single thing about our relationship, she knew that I loved her and that I was trying to get back to her, ultimately, that gives me peace. It gets easier, but it will never not be a part of who I am now.

I'm truly/sincerely sorry to hear that. I wish you all of the strength brother moving forward. I think for me on Saturday, the letter component (aka the handwriting and the personal nature of a handwritten note defiantly threw me off my game).

That said- these were grandparents, great aunts/uncles as well as uncles that threw me off- knowing how much that much impacted me, I can't even imagine how it felt coming from a spouse. I know it's the Pit and all but- that's rough man, feel free to PM me if you ever want to vent about it.

-LD

 

[Short-bus]

Woke up this morning around 7am and knocked out one of my tasks from my list of repainting a wall in my dining room so I can get the thermostat back in action. Knocked that out by 0930 and started venturing into other projects to be productive.

By around 1100 I started going through old papers that needed to be shredded, knocked that out and ended up with a big old ziploc bag containing letters that were saved from when I was deployed. Unfortunately water got into that bag while we were living at the apartment so the letters were all but ruined. Rather upsetting but it is what it is.

Anywho- I began the task of going through the bag of letters and pulled an Enron type of deal and spent hours reading what I had and shredding them for about 7-8 hours. It was a bit of a surreal experience, not just the context in which the letters were written necessarily but (for me at least) who wrote the letters). Long since passed grandparents, great aunts/uncles, traditional aunts/uncles... and one of the odd things were due to the water damage, the letters essentially "resealed" themselves so I essentially spent hours reopening letters from when I lived a different life to read letters from deceased family members.

It kinda has my brain scrambled tonight now that it's over and I'm mentally in a different place tonight. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

-LD

I have letters my grandmother wrote me when I was in the Army that I refuse to get rid of. Letters that are starting to push 30 years old, and they're in my storage room in a box of other stuff that I can't bring myself to rid of, other than to try to hold onto the memories of people long since passed. Most of the letters between my then girlfriend, now wife of 21 years, are in that box too. I read a few a year or two ago, the amount of insecurities we both had at that age....very annoying to read, lol.

My Dad still has letters he wrote his family while he was in Vietnam, in 1970. One of these days i'll read 'em, unfortunately it might be sooner than later. He's not doing very well right now.

 

[LuckyDuck]

I have letters my grandmother wrote me when I was in the Army that I refuse to get rid of. Letters that are starting to push 30 years old, and they're in my storage room in a box of other stuff that I can't bring myself to rid of, other than to try to hold onto the memories of people long since passed. Most of the letters between my then girlfriend, now wife of 21 years, are in that box too. I read a few a year or two ago, the amount of insecurities we both had at that age....very annoying to read, lol.

My Dad still has letters he wrote his family while he was in Vietnam, in 1970. One of these days i'll read 'em, unfortunately it might be sooner than later. He's not doing very well right now.

For what it's worth, I hope that your father has a long life ahead of him but I get it. As I shared in another post, letters... well they just seem to punch harder, at least they did for me because of the handwriting being so unique. At least that's what chased me off my game on Saturday... I will say that after almost 20 years of trying to preserve those letters, mainly because they meant so much to me at the time, it was... well kinda rough having to shred them after water got into the bag and they all got moldy. I guess it was like one final "Goodbye" for me with those letters and the (now deceased relatives that wrote them).

Not trying to tell you how to live your life but if you can- please ask your Dad about Vietnam while you can. I only offer that suggestion because I wish I learned more from my grandfather about WWII but having said that- I reckon that I learned more about his experiences than any of my Aunts/Uncles/Father because we shared a common bond at that point and that's an experience that frankly, you just can't monetize and I'll forever cherish.

-LD