Maggie’s Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

[dave1894]

Funny for some but not so much for myself as I have had a couple bad experiences here.

#1. One was at Stryker I will not tell the hole story but imagine having chicken rolling down the back of your legs while standing in a chow hall the length of 2 FB fields and trying to make it out unseen because you pass gas and you end up with a bad suprise behind it... Why did this happen? Read on and learn.

#2. Seeing how using a port-a-pottie here in Carver, Iraq "and not a real toilet like they have in Stryker, Liberty or Hammer" is unavoidable. You have 3 hopes.
The first one being that when you are going number 2 that you are able to time everything appropriately by shifting your butt to one side "when you let the submarine go" as to avoid comming out with a bad case of blue a$$ and w/e else is down there.
The second one being that an Iraqi worker or soldier did not use the port-a-pottie before you because you can count on everything including the toilet paper in there being wet as they use a water bottle and there hand to clean their south side as they elevate above everything when they go number 2.
The third one being trying to avoid the first 2 in full battle rattle right before a mission and having a few minutes to do it especially at dark 30 relying on a flashlight...

For the record I have gone number 2 in my pants once, sat on some Iraqi's runny p00p who completely failed to make it into the hole one time, blueassed 12 times and I can't count how many times my weapon sling or gear has ended up in one way or another, getting water that was used to clean someones ass.

For all of you that had to do this over here before me; I salute you. I just assume use a cathole or a 12" hole I make with my own etoot.

So with that being said, if anyone has more experience than I do with these port-a-potties than fill me in. And don't tell me to lay TP down in the blue water because there usually isn't any dry to do it with and when there is there isn't enough to wipe with.

Thanks a billion for those who come up with a salution to one of several great mysteries I have to figure out here in the desert.

Tango Mike,
Lw

 

[benjaminzero]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Not a porta-potty story, but definitely shitty:

Glad it didn't happen to me but here is the story:
Our patrol base had a burn-pit to get rid of all waste to include the bags of shit in WAG-Bags collected from the entire base by those assigned to that duty. Since this is outside the wire, you had to wear full battle rattle with your weapon. Attach trailer of said waste to the HMMWV... dump it in 10 foot deep pit and burn with diesel. One soldier pulled the trailer a little too close... went to open the rear door... and fell right the fuck in... chest deep in it. Caught this on the thermal cam... watched him wade to the other side where the ledge was manageable and climb out. We tried the radio him to fuck with him... we saw him on the camera... turn around... and walk right back in to retrieve the handheld radio he dropped that was screaming his name and mercilessly laughing... I would rate that as one of the funniest moments during my deployment... for him... not so much...

 

[benjaminzero]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

As for the porta-pottie advice... wish I knew... even with a great solution... there is always gonna be those times when even getting there in time was a win in my book...

 

[rero360]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

I guess I lucked out, we had shitter trailers on our FOB, there were Porta Johns too but I did everything in my power to avoid them. I would say the best was to wait about an half hour after the hodji's came through and cleaned them, that way it would be all clean and dry at that point.

I never sharted myself over there, came close a few times, but I did get the ole blue butt a few times.

The best was coming back from leave, at the layover in Kuwait, I dropped a duce that would have had to been broken up into fourths to flush in those low flow toilets they had in Ali Aselim (?) nothing like two weeks of good old fashioned American cooking.

 

[paraman1]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Seeing as I work in construction I am used to using a Porta-John on a fairly regular basis . To keep from getting blue assed I always take and build a toilet paper island out of about 1/2 a roll (Hey I am not paying for the TP) and then let er rip . I also keep a ziploc bag full of diaper wipes with me in case I gotta do some extra cleanup whether it be on the PJ or myself . PJ's suck in general but are far more tolerable in the winter . Once it gets over 100 degrees they are just a shit sauna .

Worst thing I ever saw was during a USPSA match in LaGrande Oregon when someone dumped their 3000 dollar pistol out of the holster and into the shitter . A Magnet , some string and a strong stomach during cleanup was all that was required set the world right again.

 

[dave1894]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Hahaha! All great stories! Wading out of shit to find out you have to go back in to get a radio. That would suck especially when it's not yours your wading in.

Yes good'ole American cooking. Had a couple like that here and there. Mostly from eating MRE's over and over again. Had to be atleast 12 long and solid as the side of a tank.

Lw

 

[cavscout1983]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Dude...wtf?

To avoid both blueass and the errant water and feces, I just squatted on the damn seat hajji style.

ALWAYS have a small pack of baby wipes on ya.

Going in full battle rattle...how long does it take you to just put it back on if you take it off. I can understand if you are gunning and all dolled up like Ralphie's brother, but the kit ain't that hard to put back on in a relatively quick amount of time.

Just shit in the chow hall next time. Scream a random movie line that has nothing to do with that while doing it.

 

[Tactical one]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Never purchase items from folks that clean them.

 

[paraman1]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

I remember one of the jobs I was on the General Foreman had a big old bowl of candy on his desk that he let us raid . One day the Porta John cleaner dude AKA the "Milkshake Man" goes into his office and rather than just taking one off the top roots around through the bowl to find a 'Fun Size" Snickers on the bottom of the bowl . Needless to say he went ahead and dumped the whole thing in the trash including the bowl . Sounds like Haji is almost as clean in the PJ as the illegals around here are

 

[Shady_Jay]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

I was part of Operation Brightstar '97 in Egypt when I was in 3rdID. There was this LTC who was tasked to be in charge of all the Hadji's cleaning the shitters. Which is basically a bunch of Hadji's with milk jug with the bottoms cut out. They would hold them upside-down by the handle and scoop the shit out. Noob Hadji's would just use their hands.

Anyway, he was wicked pissed getting tasked with it and dubbed himself "Shitter 6". He would refuse to answer his assigned call sign and would only answer to Shitter 6 on comms. He had it out with the CG and I guess he won because he left him alone and he still went by "Shitter 6" the rest of the deployment. He would constantly do commo checks and interrupt transmissions with "THIS IS SHITTER 6 OVER!!!!" It was so damn funny.

 

[Graham]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

When the Russian troops invaded Georgia the BBC reported on the battle for the port of Poty: The Russians were advancing on the port of Poty but the Georgians were holding it. The news story loses something in its internet translation, but say it to yourself with a British accent, all the while assuming that the BBC doesn't understand the term 'port-a-potty', and you get the idea.

It was the best story to come out of BBC World in quite some time.

 

[Queequeg]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: MichaelN</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Once it gets over 100 degrees they are just a shit sauna .
</div></div>

I call them Easy bake Ovens, home of the famous one hand prop!

 

[Pat Harrison]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Michael N</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
Worst thing I ever saw was during a USPSA match in LaGrande Oregon when someone dumped their 3000 dollar pistol out of the holster and into the shitter . A Magnet , some string and a strong stomach during cleanup was all that was required set the world right again. </div></div>
What really sucks is IPSC rules says it has to be the RO who has to retrieve a dropped firearm and clear it before returning it to the shooter...how did that conversation go?...lol

 

[SakoL61R]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

My ttp's: baby wipes and extra tp in zip-loc bags.

When in the vicinity of a helipad, ALWAYS ensure the port-a-$hitter is well secured to the ground cause the skytruck will knock'em over

.

 

[diggler1833]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Man I always just lean back over the porta-shitter hole and hold myself over the lid with my hand against the wall behind me. Then at the moment of "release" (especially if it is a big 3-day MRE one) I can jump up to avoid getting blue ass.

Just make sure you are pointing your dick down with your non-support hand to ensure that you don't piss all over your trousers.

 

[pyrotechnic]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Marine Corps order 0095-09F "All turds longer than 6 inches must be hand lowered to prevent chemical back splash."

Successfully dealing with the blue death is a skill that's usually acquired after numerous mishaps. Even then its generally hit or miss. A shitload of baby wipes is a must.

 

[vwhugger]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

On the homefront, while at various gatherings where there are the gents and ladies port-a-potties, I always use the ladies when I gots to pee.

What I do is put the seat down while pee'ing and then put it up when I'm finished. So the lucky lady to use it next, gets a double whammy.

And I get a tongue lashin'. Hee, hee, hee. I luv it.

And that's why they luv me.

 

[vwhugger]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Here's another related short story circa 66 or 67...

Anyhow this 1st Class Radarman by the name of Louie Larson from Wisconsin, you might know, who probably was 5' tall and maybe 100#'s dumped this gigantic steamer in the crapper (we were out to sea) and I swear it had to be a foot long and I swear again around 3 inches in diameter. And that crazy fucker was so proud of it he had to run around the ship trying to get anyone who would, to look at it. I think he thought he deserved a campaign ribbon for it.

The good old days.

 

[Donut]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: vwhugger</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> And that crazy fucker was so proud of it he had to run around the ship trying to get anyone who would, look at it. I think he thought he deserved a campaign ribbon for it.

The good old days.
</div></div>

Sounds like our receptionist.

 

[wingnut13]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

We've got a guy at work who will lay a cobra, then pick up move over a stall and clean up. That seems to really freak out a few of the guys who can't figure why he just poos and jets out of there without and paperwork.

I got deported from Qatar and ended up in Ali Asalem, Kuwait. I've gotta say the Army side poopers sucked. I made good use of them after visiting the McDonald's there.

 

[coulthard_west]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

just remember that the liquid on the floor to your right is not water but in fact it is urine that never made into the urinal trough

 

[mackdrvr]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

I've gotten "Blue Ass" before. It sucks.

 

[Shady_Jay]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

I'm sure the story is bullshit, but I was told by some Brits that Princess Di toured one of their ships and had to use the head. Through a system of baffles and whatever, they were able to isolate her turd and extract it from the plumbing. They bronzed and then mounted it as a good luck charm on a bulkhead. Again, I'm certain is is bullcorn but it was a funny damn story after the pub beers.

 

[USGUNWORKS]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Ahhhhh yes...The toxic blue venom of the corn-back rattler...

Clean crappers were always nice, but I would way rather have a couple of days worth of cushion at the bottom!!!

 

[Servicerifle1]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

you can always "claim" one after cleaning by smearing melted chocolate on the door handle- good for daylight hours anyway. Will likely freak someone out at night.

i have yet to resort to this-
But it has crossed my mind for months

 

[Chance]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Porta Potty Advice from me...If at all possible don't use them. I remember in 1998 I was in some part of Spain for about a month long field OP, we were there long enough to build a community shit hole...don't remember the proper name for it. The guys used old ammo box's for seats and then there was lime to put on the shit. That was the nastiest place you could imagine. I tried it once and then told myself that would be the last time. From then on out I snuck of with my e-tool and did my business in the woods.

Any of you guys ever use the Shitters in places like Romania were they were wooden out-houses with imprits of feet and a triangle hole cut in the floor? Those were nasty especially if someone missed the hole.

 

[rero360]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

The worst I ever saw was the "bathroom" at the Iraqi police station that my squad was assigned to, their sewer piped had been crushed blocking everything up. Imagine a cement room with if I remember correctly, 4 stalls with the good old hole in the floor, each with mounds of shit heaping up along with pools of standing piss. The reak of ammonia was so strong it made me gag, I walked in once and walked right back out. I used the Commander's private bathroom the rest of the time.

I never dropped a duce out in sector, I held it in until we either got back to our FOB or stopped in to another FOB or the IZ.

 

[deer assassin]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

them chicken shwramas (sp) over in saudi

were ruff on a fella too

 

[JUtter]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

Speaking of the porta potties in Iraq has there been a thread yet for best writings found in one? My personal favorite was "Ladies dont get too cocky, you are a plane ride away from being ugly again". Found that one at FOB Stryker.

 

[Ranger70]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

1983 or 84 Steel Challange speed shoot, Splash, one Comp. 1911 went swimming, found a coat hanger and went fishing. Jim

 

[rero360]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: jbulrs3</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Speaking of the porta potties in Iraq has there been a thread yet for best writings found in one? My personal favorite was "Ladies dont get too cocky, you are a plane ride away from being ugly again". Found that one at FOB Stryker. </div></div>

Depending on when you were over there you might have seen "Post is gay" Post was some infantry guy living a couple barracks down from me at Rusty in '06 '07, the guys in his unit tormented him relentlessly, every FOB, base or any other place that US troops had porta johns that I went too, Striker, shield, rusty, BIAP, IZ, Anaconda, ali asalem, that other place in Kuwait, FT. Dix, and many others, all had that written in them. They even wrote it in wet cement on Oilers where an IED crater had been filled in.

 

[Dusty]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

If revenge is in order, a good brick can be dropped through the vent pipe to give the tennant a good soaking. Just sayin.

 

[nashlaw]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

A few years ago, a girlfriend and I went to Lychburg, TN for the Jack Daniel's BBQ contest. Man, they had people from all over the US and I believe some from foreign countries there.

It was HOT! For some reason, I did not have my CCW permit and had a jacket on. I was sweating like a fattening hog and had eaten greasy "q", corn on the cob, etc. I had to poo in the worst way. And the worst way was the way I did it......

I went to one of the 2 porta poopers they had for an estimated 10,000 people and it was exactly what I thought it would be. I waited in line for about an hour and was rewarded with taking a wretching dump in the foulest loo this side of hell.

I still get lightheaded when I think of the ammonia smell.

 

[Dusty]

Re: Porta-pottie-pointers "NOT FOR THE WEAK MINDED"

I don't know about the ones the use on military installations, but the ones on construction sites are always decorated by various "out house poets". While your there gagging you might get a good laugh out of the humor written on the walls.