Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

#101
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Little boy sees his mom getting out of the shower

"What's that" he says, pointing at her virgina.

"Oh" says the mom, a bit embarrased," that's where daddy hit me me with an axe a long time ago"

He replys "That was a good shot, right in the %unt!"



Whats the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator does not fart when you pull your meat out of it!


English
 
#102
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

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#103
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.
 
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#105
Re: Socially UNacceptable Humor

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling


through Europe in their car.


They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a


traffic light.





Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the


hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.





"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"





"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the


abomination," says Sister Helen.





Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about,


but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.





"What shall I do now?" she shouts.





"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy


Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.





Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams


as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.





"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.





"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.





"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.





She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
 
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#106
gynecologist

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown L.A. and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more."Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque, New Mexico. That's about 620 miles from here.""Good grief, is that where the job is?""No sir..............that's where the end of the line is right now..."
 
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#107
Re: gynecologist

A Mid-West rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"What about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, rubbing his face and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you, sir?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.” Paused then continued. “It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered this for a moment. "Well, you're right, you do need to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"But if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
 
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#109
Radar86 said:
A Mid-West rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"What about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, rubbing his face and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you, sir?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.” Paused then continued. “It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered this for a moment. "Well, you're right, you do need to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"But if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
Click to expand...


I have retold this to about everyone I know and they all love it. Thanks for posting it !!!
 
#110
Mom and dad were sitting around the table discussing what they should do with little John and his terrible grades. They decided that since they went to Catholic school growing up and they turned out alright that maybe they should give the Jesuits a try with their son.

First grading period comes to a close and once again the whole family is sitting around the table. Dad say "John I'm so proud of you but I have to ask, what's inspired this change in your grades!?"

John Replys

"The first day I showed up to school and saw a guy nailed to a plus sign I figured these Jesuits weren't fucking around"
 
#114
I love it and this too.

Very practical and useful information ...

Participating in a gun buy back because you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids.
 
#116
definition of 'tragedy'


Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.' One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your black ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher fainted.
 
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#118
on the first day of school, a young boy heard some words he had never heard before. he went home and found his mother so he could ask her what the words meant.
"mom", he said,"what's a bitch?"
somewhat surprised but recovering quickly she replied, "that is a female dog."
"ok", he said, "then what's a pussy?"
alittle in shock she said "that is a female cat"
the little fella got to thinking about it and these explainations didn't make much sense in the context the words had been used at school.
so he went and asked his dad.
"dad, what's a pussy?"
his father reached in a drawer and pulled out a skin book, drew a circle around the centerfolds business, and said, "that, my boy, is a pussy"
so the boy asked, "ok, what's bitch?"
to which his father replied, "a bitch, son, is everything outside the circle".
 
#119
MISSING WIFE FOUND by ALASKA STATE TROOPERS
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr Wilkins but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkins exclaimed.

The Troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkins.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "Whats the good news?"

The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr Wilkins demanded, "If thats the good news, then whats the great news?"

The Trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow".
 
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#120
HighGroundMan said:
MISSING WIFE FOUND by ALASKA STATE TROOPERS
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr Wilkins but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkins exclaimed.

The Troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

The Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkins.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "Whats the good news?"

The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr Wilkins demanded, "If thats the good news, then whats the great news?"

The Trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow".
Click to expand...

UmmmmmCrab
 
#122
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza.

The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?"

Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How’d you guess?"

She replies, "Because you’re so damn ugly."
 
#124
I was in a bit of a awkward situation, a buddy caught me jacling off while sniffing his sister's panty,
fact that she was still wearing them did not help my case I guess...
But I really feel he over reacted, it made the rest of her feuneral awkward for all the other people...
 
#127
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
 
#140
A man stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything.
Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy.
I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
The sequester caused Elmer's job's to be cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
 
#141
A woman is standing at the top of a cliff, contemplating committing suicide and jumping. A homeless man is passing by and says
"Excuse me mam, but if you are going to commit suicide, do you mind if we have sex first?"
The woman replies
"No you disgusting creep!"
The homeless man responds
"Fine, I will just go wait at the bottom then."
 
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#143
Got one...true story.

My dad was talking to his brother on the phone, just basic chit chat, when my uncle started talking about his new purchase...jacuzzi. So the my uncle being proud of his new purchase started telling about all the features such as heating, variable angle jets- with pulse settings bla bla bla. Seeing that we had a jacuzzi attached to our pool, my dad, wanting to be as helpful as he could (uncle was getting married to a new young wife) had some advice on a specific component....semen filter.

So, the next day we get a call from my uncle "you motherfucker". Apparently, he went to the guy installing the jacuzzi and asked for this new type of filter.
 
#144
A team of firefighters were called in to suppress a forest fire. Several guys get dropped in and start working the flames then they broke off into groups in order to better take control over a wider area. Two of the guys area started getting overrun and they were having a hard time keeping the fire suppressed but the eventually took care of it but not before one of the of them was overcome by smoke.

Soon enough the other members of the team showed up to assist only to find the two guys fucking...."what are you doing?" to that one replied, Bubba was overcome by smoke and couldn't breath" one of the other guys said "don't you know that's what CPR is for?" Bubba..."yea, I know, that's how it started"
 
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