The fuck is wrong with lawyer's offices?

[TheGerman]

To a law firm we had used in the past for a deal they helped us broker:

Me - Hi there, I was wanting a really straightforward document written up for this new venture. Here are the details.

Them- Oh sure, this looks pretty straightforward. Let me check on a few things but this doesn't look like it would be much work at all.

Me - Yeah, it should be like a 1.5-2 page document at most. I literally need something basic that does the 2 things I mentioned before.

Them - Yeah I checked, we can do this.

Me - I would hope so. It's a simple agreement. Anyways, whats your estimate of time on generating this and getting it out?

Them - Ill have someone send you some paperwork for it. (which I was assuming was an estimate of request for an hour of time or some shit)




What do I get in my email box the next day?

A retainer request for $6,000. To type up a form document they probably have saved in a file index somewhere that some legal assistant types my name into and prints out.

I found one online that I was able to insert some needed language into...for free. Yeah, fuck you faggots. You get nothing.

Now I'm getting emails asking me if I paid for the retainer request yet. My face after opening it - LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOLLLLOLOLOLOL

The fuck is wrong with people? I ask someone to do something simple and they want 200x the cost of it upfront so they can bill me for some retarded shit I never asked for which then ends up costing like $2500 to write a $50 contract. Are people really this fucking dumb?

 

[zeroz]

Yep

 

[Jscb1b]

You said lawyer. I rate them with politicians.

 

[Kamerad]

Yep

What he said.

 

[Spblademaker]

You should forward this thread to them.

Was it for an NDA with Palmetto State Armory, so people wont think you enjoy the equipment the poors use?

 

[TheGerman]

You should forward this thread to them.

Was it for an NDA with Palmetto State Armory, so people wont think you enjoy the equipment the poors use?

No. Poors cant read.

 

[padom]

I got.one better. I called my attorney's office who handles all my legal/corporate matters for my company to ask if they could modify a form for me. 1 page. Same deal as you essentially. They said we will check and get back to you.

I get an email from a legal assistant saying we can do that, heres what's involved and cost. I laughed and didnt reply.

I get a fucking invoice for $2300 in the mail a few weeks later for "researching if they can handle my request and emailing me to say they can and what's involved!!!! That bill hasnt been paid to this day! Hahahaha. Fucking attorney's offices!!

 

[Jefe's Dope]

I once received a bill for $.25 for the postage to tell me I didn't have any outstanding balances.

 

[Mike Casselton]

Called our lawyer to inquire about a Form 1 trust.
He does them all the time because he's a staunch 2A supporter.

$300.

Um, yeah. Like posted above, it's probably a fill in the blanks form that takes 5 minutes including signatures.

 

[DavidK]

I had one f'ing lawyer try to charge $1600 for a form agreement for a real estate purchase. He sent it as a word file and didn't even bother removing the past client's name and information

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

[Seed tick]

Attorney’s are one step below child molesters and most politicians are attorneys. Pieces of shit one and all!!!

 

[W54/XM-388]

Except when you need a really good criminal defense lawyer.
You want one that knows how every possible combination of dirty deals can get done on your behalf......
Or how to keep the little heel clicking ADAs on their toes and school the judges....

 

[hermosabeach]

i was quoted 50K for a prenup.... some lawyers are idiots... and find idiot clients

 

[Threadcutter308]

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

.......................

 

[candyx]

Lawyers have a license to legally relieve you of your money. If you can avoid them you'll save money, in life the only time you need a lawyer is when you take another life.

 

[isofahunter]

I had a document drafted (filled in) by an attorney and a 3000 dollar bill. When I called him up and ask who the hell Kathy was and why her info was in my document he was tongue tied. Asked him to put my info in and to tear up the bill and send me one that reflected his time. Bill was 100 bucks. There are a few good ones out there but you got to shovel a lot of shit to find the needle.

 

[Maggot]

To a law firm we had used in the past for a deal they helped us broker:

Me - Hi there, I was wanting a really straightforward document written up for this new venture. Here are the details.

Them- Oh sure, this looks pretty straightforward. Let me check on a few things but this doesn't look like it would be much work at all.

Me - Yeah, it should be like a 1.5-2 page document at most. I literally need something basic that does the 2 things I mentioned before.

Them - Yeah I checked, we can do this.

Me - I would hope so. It's a simple agreement. Anyways, whats your estimate of time on generating this and getting it out?

Them - Ill have someone send you some paperwork for it. (which I was assuming was an estimate of request for an hour of time or some shit)




What do I get in my email box the next day?

A retainer request for $6,000. To type up a form document they probably have saved in a file index somewhere that some legal assistant types my name into and prints out.

I found one online that I was able to insert some needed language into...for free. Yeah, fuck you faggots. You get nothing.

Now I'm getting emails asking me if I paid for the retainer request yet. My face after opening it - LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOLLLLOLOLOLOL

The fuck is wrong with people? I ask someone to do something simple and they want 200x the cost of it upfront so they can bill me for some retarded shit I never asked for which then ends up costing like $2500 to write a $50 contract. Are people really this fucking dumb?

 

[2ndamendfan]

3 of my clients are lawyers. 1 is pretty cool the other 2 fucking piss me off.

They look me straight in the face and claim I am fucking them sideways, and in the next breath tell me they charge $500-600 an hour (or at least their firm does).

 

[Maggot]

Moses the Tank put it well.

"Want to know the best way to get laughed out of a room full of (Harvard) lawyers? Mention 'Justice'." See my post #17 above.

 

[Sean the Nailer]

"As soon as you need a lawyer, you've already lost."

This was told to me, many years ago. It still isn't all that wrong, don't you agree?

There have been a few times now, where I needed to do 'legal stuff'. I couldn't afford a lawyer, so I did it myself. It IS possible. I'm not saying that I recommend it. Just that it IS possible.

 

[10ring'r]

Lawyers are another thing that's wrong with this country, toooo many of them. What we need is an "open season", with "no bag" limit. Just say'n. Mac

 

[Ravenworks]

I did 3 probates and had a bunch of commercial properties to deal with.
Almost $20 K invoice, I made them give me a itemized bill.
By the time it was done my bill was below $16k.
Fuck lawyers, they are parasites.
About 2 years goes by and he calls me up wanting a bunch of excavating work done.
So I did up a proposal, I nailed him for almost 10K in extras.
He was pissed, I ended up tacking on another 18 points because the dumbass couldn't be bothered to read the fine print.
Yeah,taking that money to the 90 day limit is bullshit.

 

[W54/XM-388]

"As soon as you need a lawyer, you've already lost."

This was told to me, many years ago. It still isn't all that wrong, don't you agree?

There have been a few times now, where I needed to do 'legal stuff'. I couldn't afford a lawyer, so I did it myself. It IS possible. I'm not saying that I recommend it. Just that it IS possible.

I would say the 2 exceptions to that rule are:

1. Divorce
2. If the police arrest you / you get dragged into court.

In both those cases, it's well worth it to STFU, find the best most aggressive lawyer you can and then STFU.......

A lot of other stuff you could do yourself.

I would however caution about trying to do trusts and things like that by yourself, make sure you know the intricacies of your state laws if you expect any possibility of legal challenge. What may work in one state may render it invalid in another.

Most folks go into the court system thinking something about justice or right & wrong or fair. Only too late do they discover it's simply a game played for score much like our two party system of politicians. They may appear on opposite sides, but they both drink at the same table back in the clubhouse.... on your money....

 

[W54/XM-388]

One thing the lawyer I use likes to do is charge you the price to take care of a matter and then figure out how to not have to do as much work if he can find any way around it.

Like for example.... so a friend of yours got arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence... give me $5k and I'll take the case....
A few days later.... All good, I got the judge to throw it out of court permanently.... oh and if you want for an extra $2k we'll take care of all the arrest records too.

Or.... so a friend of yours is actually getting really sued for $20k by debt collectors, it will be $1000 to take your case to court.... then after a week... oh by the way I got them to drop the case permanently all good... any other ones you want handled...

Funny enough he gave up divorce law because it was such a horrible nasty mess with the nastiest lawyers that have no ethics at all and is just a total cesspit.... he prefers murder cases any day to dealing with divorce lawyers.

So if lawyers think divorce lawyers deserve the hottest part of hell, that kind of tells you a lot about what goes on there.....

 

[kabarNC]

Was it for your old buddy that hasn't quite paid you back yet?

 

[Threadcutter308]

3 of my clients are lawyers. 1 is pretty cool the other 2 fucking piss me off.

They look me straight in the face and claim I am fucking them sideways, and in the next breath tell me they charge $500-600 an hour (or at least their firm does).

Look back at them, square in the eye and say "Oh, Waaaaaahhhh!".

Fucking cockbites.

 

[Jefe's Dope]

I have had good ones as well. One got me off a DWAI, .o51 blood alcohol level per blood and illegal in my state at the time, 1991(?), for $1200 bucks and when the judge tried to give me alcohol classes he, my lawyer, cited code which clearly states since I was not convicted of an alcohol offense I wasn't 'required' to do the classes, it was plead down, I didn't have to take alcohol classes. Judge gave him a shitty look, looked up the code, looked back at him and stated "you're right", and closed the case for court fees and the fine for weaving.

I bought out my business partner three years ago, it was NOT amicable, for about $2,000 and in under 30 days. Said he couldn't get it done that fast but I told he had to. He did. He handled all the negotiations for the buy out and the paper work for the sale for that price. I was pleased. Not a shit firm either. I think they handle a bunch of the local casinos stuff.

 

[Threadcutter308]

I would say the 2 exceptions to that rule are:

1. Divorce
2. If the police arrest you / you get dragged into court.

In both those cases, it's well worth it to STFU, find the best most aggressive lawyer you can and then STFU.......

A lot of other stuff you could do yourself.

I would however caution about trying to do trusts and things like that by yourself, make sure you know the intricacies of your state laws if you expect any possibility of legal challenge. What may work in one state may render it invalid in another.

Most folks go into the court system thinking something about justice or right & wrong or fair. Only too late do they discover it's simply a game played for score much like our two party system of politicians. They may appear on opposite sides, but they both drink at the same table back in the clubhouse.... on your money....

You ever go through an estate battle ? Your wisdom on the subject of lawyers would seem to indicate "yes".

 

[DarnYankeeUSMC]

Killing "ALL" the lawyers is a good start.

 

[Maggot]

Killing "ALL" the lawyers is a good start.

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at ht e bottom of the ocean?

-A beginning

-Serious water pollution

-Massive fish kill off

 

[TheGerman]

Was it for your old buddy that hasn't quite paid you back yet?

I mean, if I could get the lawyer to write a demand letter for the 196$ or whatever random amount he stills owes me and only charge $50 for it, I'd probably do it just to see what happens.

$6k retainer for that? LOLOLOL

$6k is in the territory of finding an army of methheads to kill people to make whatever problem you had go away.

On a side note, years and years ago I very briefly worked for a law firm in a large city in Florida. This was between my Kosovo time and when I ended up in Afghanistan, and was going to make a living (or had planned to) professionally using my degrees. That didn't happen, and this is one of the office jobs I used to think about anytime I thought being in the hot fuck desert sucked.

Anyways, there's this thing called a 'realization rate' in regards to attorneys and their billing. It's basically the calculation of, whatever you bill divided by the amount you actually receive for it. So if you bill $100 and receive $60, you're realization rate was 60%.

On average, across the board, for this big fucking corporate law firm that took up 3 whole floors of one of the downtown buildings was 40% or less.

 

[lash]

No. Poors cant read.

I can reed...

 

[candyx]

Whats the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

 

[x_789]

I always try to find a lawyer with at least 3 ex-wives. I want a guy who has to WIN to keep his exes at bay.

 

[candyx]

During a dispute both lawyers win and act in concert to drag out the ligation minimum of 3 to 5 years if enough money is tied up in the dispute. Settlement usually occurs in between the 3-5 when both lawyers tell their clients its time to stop the bleeding. "Bleeding" is the legal fees your lawyer has be charging you every month. It's a fucking racket for sure.

 

[Bender]

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?





About 10 if you slice them thin enough.

 

[Jscb1b]

How big is the house?

 

[Bender]

How big is the house?

It’s all relative

 

[Jscb1b]

Can we use relatives of lawyers too?

 

[abn31c]

I know this, if you need a lawyer, get the best fucker you can. He with the best lawyer wins. Mine is so mean he scares me, and I pay him. ?

 

[Lawless]

When I bought our mountain retirement property (in another county obviously) I asked my largest client, which is a rental management and real estate company owner) who she would recommend to do it all for us.

We bought it from friends but still wanted title ins. and all the normal CYA stuff but nothing about it was out of the ordinary or hard. The guy she recommended was in the next town and I went by, spoke to a PL and was quoted a price and that it would take about 10 days. My client told me that lots of people use him.

After 3 weeks and no communication I called....and called....and called. Was told to email one of the attorneys by the receptionist. Never got a response.

I finally went there in person and was told that the partner had tried to contact me by phone and email and had been unsuccessful (BS, I get 50 emails and 20 calls every day) and they were “working on it”.

Took 5 weeks to get a simple closing done and was lied to several times. The price ended up being twice what I was quoted because the guy who searched the title “had difficulties“ despite our friends having a clear deed and less than 4 year old survey.

Fast forward a few months and my church is selling a property. Buyer picks same attorney....

Took 3 months to get closed. Took multiple calls by all parties to light a fire.

Anyone who asks me gets “anybody but xxx”

 

[EddieNFL]

Funny enough he gave up divorce law because it was such a horrible nasty mess with the nastiest lawyers that have no ethics at all and is just a total cesspit.... he prefers murder cases any day to dealing with divorce lawyers.

They merged with personal injury.

 

[Deleted member 10043]

I was once got reprimanded because I told a weeping partner of a law firm that there was no crying in auditing. Fucking pussy.

 

[oneshot86]

You said lawyer. I rate them with politicians.

worse

 

[HeavyAssault]

Why don't sharks eat lawyers??

Professional courtesy of course...

 

[AIAW]

 

[clcustom1911]

I always try to find a lawyer with at least 3 ex-wives. I want a guy who has to WIN to keep his exes at bay.

That was my divorce attorney. Hard charger.

 

[Dirty D]

No. Poors cant read.

If I could read this I would be insulted, I’m too poor to do anything about it but I would be insulted.

 

[Dirty D]

...99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I’m stealing that quote

 

[Redmanss]

Old meme but relevant lol

Fuck off spammer.