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Maggie’s The Funny Thread

#51
Re: The Funny Thread

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here
comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello
George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a
moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
#53
Re: The Funny Thread

That wouldnt be soo bad but can you imagine being an Elephanproctologist?
laugh.gif
sick.gif
 
#55
Re: The Funny Thread

Some Yo mama jokes.

Warning : I am not responsible for any time you spent on the couch/doghouse/garage if your girlfriend/wife overhears you saying any of this about her mother to your buddies. You have been warned.

FAT:
• Yo mama is so fat, every time she turns around it's her birthday.
• Yo mama is so fat, your didn't need internet growing up because she was already world wide.
• Yo mama is so fat, shankster wouldn't even hit on her.
• Yo mama is so fat, she's on both sides of the family tree.
• Yo mama is so fat, the national weather service names each one of her farts.
• Yo mama is so fat, she has to go to sea world to get baptized.
• Yo mama is so fat, she has more chins than a chinese phone book.
• Yo mama is so fat, when she steps on a scale it says "to be continued".
• Yo mama is so fat, she's got her own area code.
• Yo mama is so fat, she sweats Crisco.


UGLY:
• Yo mama is so ugly, one day Dr. Kevorkian meet her and then tried to kill himself.
• Yo mama is so ugly, every time she looks out the window she gets arrested for mooning.
• Yo mama is so ugly, people go as her for halloween.
• Yo mama is so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone.
• Yo mama is so ugly, she makes blind children cry.
• Yo mama is so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology letter to the world from the condom company.
• Yo mama is so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares.
• Yo mama is so ugly, when she was born the doctors slapped her parents.
• Yo mama is so ugly, when she looks into the mirror it says "viewer discretion is advised".
• Yo mama is so ugly, that when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application.


STUPID:
• Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb mountain dew.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she thought 0bamaI would make a good president.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she thought seaweed was something fish smoked.
• Yo mama is so stupid, that it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
• Yo mama is so stupid, that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she stoped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she failed a survey.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she bought a solar powered flashlight.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she threw a rock at the ground and missed.
• Yo mama is so stupid, she makes the people from Jersey Shore look like geniuses.
 
#57
Re: The Funny Thread

A guy comes home late, as usual from bowling only to find the lights out in the house and everyone gone to bed.

Sure enough, when he enters the bedroom there is a mound under the blankets snoring lightly.

He figures that since he has been neglecting his wife, that he would give her a treat. He carefully crawls up under the covers in between her legs from the foot of the bed and proceeds to give her, shall we say, a "tongue lashing".

He is doing all the good moves; around the world, rim job, and so on.

She starts to lightly moan and then twitch and then suddenly explodes in orgasmic pleasure.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he backs out and heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

He opens the door to find the light on and there is his wife, shaving her legs.

He blurts, "What the Hell" at which point she admonishes him with.......

Shhhhhhhh! You'll wake your mother!


 
#60
Re: The Funny Thread

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: RADcustom</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style="font-weight: bold">Whoa!</span>
sick.gif
</div></div>

Yeah, uh. I agree. Not that kind of shame. I meant it would make me ROFLMFAO and take the cake not, uh, make me want to take a scrub brush to my brain to try to remove that joke from memory haha
 
#61
Re: The Funny Thread

<object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZcNNwtvENYw"></param> <param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZcNNwtvENYw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"> </embed></object>
 
#62
Re: The Funny Thread

An old preacher had just returned from a fishing trip and when he walks into the church one of the sisters says to him, wow that is a big fish, the preacher responded, yeah I just caught this big son-of-a-bitch. She replied you are not supposed to talk like that! He said no, its the name of the fish, its called a son-of-a-bitch. She said, ok, you want me to clean that son-of-a-bitch. She was cleaning the fish and another sister came in and said wow, that is a big fish, she said yeah I am just cleaning this big son-of-a-bitch. The other sister said Oh my, sister you are not supposed to talk like that! She explained that it was the name of the fish, so the other sister says, well you want me to cook that son-of-a-bitch, and she does. The old preacher and the two sisters were sitting around the table eating the fish, when the new preacher walks in, he says wow, that is a big fish, the old preacher exlaimed, yeah, I caught that big son-of-a-bitch, the one sister said, yeah I cleaned that big son-of-a-bitch, the other sister said, yeah I cooked that big son-of-a-bitch....The new preacher said...I knew I was going to like you fuckers!!!
 
#63
Re: The Funny Thread

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Hognuts</div><div class="ubbcode-body">An old preacher had just returned from a fishing trip and when he walks into the church one of the sisters says to him, wow that is a big fish, the preacher responded, yeah I just caught this big son-of-a-bitch. She replied you are not supposed to talk like that! He said no, its the name of the fish, its called a son-of-a-bitch. She said, ok, you want me to clean that son-of-a-bitch. She was cleaning the fish and another sister came in and said wow, that is a big fish, she said yeah I am just cleaning this big son-of-a-bitch. The other sister said Oh my, sister you are not supposed to talk like that! She explained that it was the name of the fish, so the other sister says, well you want me to cook that son-of-a-bitch, and she does. The old preacher and the two sisters were sitting around the table eating the fish, when the new preacher walks in, he says wow, that is a big fish, the old preacher exlaimed, yeah, I caught that big son-of-a-bitch, the one sister said, yeah I cleaned that big son-of-a-bitch, the other sister said, yeah I cooked that big son-of-a-bitch....The new preacher said...I knew I was going to like you fuckers!!! </div></div>

LMAO! Actually this take the cake. Unless anyone has any complains, this is my new favorite.
laugh.gif
How can I implement a poll in an thread already going? I'd let everyone vote for who had the best joke up til now.
 
#66
Re: The Funny Thread

3 Nuns are on vacation and doing some sight seeing in New Your city when a flasher jumps in front of them and opens his coat.

First Nun has a stroke.

Second Nun has a stroke.

Third Nun, doesn't even touch him.
 
#67
Re: The Funny Thread

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. So
it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
 
#68
Re: The Funny Thread

And the ending of that...

It should also be noted that over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that as the population ages, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections, who can't remember what to do with them.
 
#69
Re: The Funny Thread

Author Unknown (probably God or an immediate subordinate)


In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In the beginning was God and all else was darkness and void, and without form, so God created the heavens and the earth. He created the sun and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea and these He filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them, and they wore funny looking hats. He gave them long sideburns and beards, nicknamed them "squids", and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor only He can have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests and all sorts of shiny things that glittered, and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)

On the 6th day, God thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform. He discarded this idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders".

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0530, God looked down upon Earth and was not happy. God was just not happy! So He thought about His labors, and in His divine wisdom, God created a divine creature. And this He called a Marine. And the Marines, who God created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, and some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so they could wage war against the forces of Satan and the evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them evening and dress uniforms.....sharp and stylish, handsome things, so they may promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress everybody. He also gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy. Because in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing. He did not have a Marine uniform for himself. But He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied Himself in knowing that, well.......................
not everybody can be a MARINE!!!
 
#70
Re: The Funny Thread

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
 
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