*****WARNING****** POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOLLOWS******POTENTIAL HURT FEELINGS*****READ AT OWN RISK*********
I am not the original author of the following, I do however know the author. As a fellow military man I find the following pretty fucking funny and if you're a military guy, you probably will too. To others, it may not make as much sense in some parts, so keep in mind this is a military mans perogative.
With that said, from the synopsis that follows, I think it is safe to say that the dwarves actions pretty much mirror how seals conduct business. If you've never worked with seals before, again, the references might elude you. If you have, then try not to swallow your tounge while laughing as you recall specific moments in your mind. With that said, enjoy the following synopsis of the Hobbit from a SF mans perspective.
The Hobbit Movies – A Team Sergeant’s Perspective
I personally don’t give a shit about the Hobbit and Lord of the Ring movies, but lately I’ve had an abundance of time on my hands, and you’ve gotta entertain yourself somehow, so I’ve recently viewed both of the Hobbit movies and offer the following thoughts and suggestions regarding the journey of the Dwarves throughout these two ridiculously long and redundant movies. The purpose of this literature is to enlighten readers on how the Dwarves and the damn Hobbit could have made their journey a shit load much easier. The following items are in no particular order and some steps have been skipped entirely:
Issue a Warning Order – I’ll give the Dwarves a little credit here, since they are just Dwarves. They did go to the Hobbit house before the mission began, told him what the fuck was up, acted like assholes, ate all his food, and trashed his shit. This pretty much covers the bases and is fairly accurate, because this is basically what happens when “assets” come to your team house or compound. At least they cleaned up before they left. The Dwarves could have benefitted from conducting some coordinations with other “friendly” forward elements before they left happy Hobbit land and began an excursion where they stumble about incoherently while outnumbered and out-gunned, both in terms of weaponry and in intellectual capacity, against virtually every other character in the series. This might prove difficult since the Dwarf King makes it a point to be a dick to everyone else. (See “Start Necessary Movement”)
Make a Tentative Plan – Word. If you are going to embark on an arduous journey across your whole goddamn planet, or realm, or whatever the shit is that you live in, far into enemy held territory to retake your own damn homeland, you might want to actually figure out how the fuck you get there beforehand, and what actions you might take when you arrive instead of bumblefucking around on a mountain, acting like a bitch when your magical key won’t open the invisible door, and then trying to chop a hole in rocks with your axe. If you know for a fact that great evil is abound in your planet, and you embark on perilous dismounted movement straight into the shit, you might want to have some Standard Operating Procedures and Battle Drills ironed out. Getting surrounded by a numerically superior enemy force, and then running out into open terrain and hoping for Elf QRF, unplanned extraction via giant birds, or waiting for the bumbling retard Hobbit to unfuck everything is not a Battle Drill. You fucking suck if a butterfly is the “P” in your commo PACE plan, and you don’t have an “A,” “C,” or “E.” Bring two Hobbits. Anyone who knows anything knows that if you have a specific piece of mission essential equipment, you had damn well better bring two of them, because without fail, the piece of equipment will get lost, destroyed, or generally shit the bed at the worst possible moment. Two is one, and one is none. This applies to Hobbits as well, especially since the Hobbit seems to have a penchant for doing his own thing and getting lost, or contemplates bitching out of the mission and going home on a frequent basis.
Conduct Reconnaissance – I covered some of this above. Get a fucking map. Preferably one that you can actually read yourself instead of relying upon Elves to do it for you, since Elves hate your Dwarf ass and your Dwarf leader insists on being a cock to the Elves.
Start Necessary Movement – The Dwarf element could easily have sent an advance party to conduct linkup with the Elf Tribes to deconflict movement, pre-arrange sustainment and re-supply, or coordinate for fuckin giant eagle rides to bypass the numerous evil forest and treacherous mountain pass danger areas. Obviously, the Dwarf King would not be in the advance party, but would instead send someone who could build rapport with other tribes of mythical creatures. Here’s an idea! Tactical movement would be better than walking around in a gaggle-fuck with no security, being loud as shit, and not knowing what the fuck is going on at any given point throughout the entire journey. You would think the Dwarves would have figured this out by now, after having their asses kicked and being taken hostage by literally every other band of assholes they have encountered in the world thus far; to include Trolls, Goblins, Spiders, regular-ass humans, both Elf tribes, some dick head with a boat, Orks, and also getting caught in the midst of a giant mountain-man fight. But nope, they keep doing the same shit the whole time and rely upon the Hobbit (who is equally as incompetent, but only keeps from getting caught because he’s usually fucking off somewhere else by himself) to save their asses. If it wasn’t for timely Elf QRF, the Dwarves would have all been killed long ago.
Supervise – The only character with any intelligence whatsoever is an old ass wizard, who knows everything, yet at the same time, doesn’t know shit. This whole grand mission is his idea, and he convinces the Dwarves to do it, and they go off into the shit while he hangs out with a hot Elf chick. The wizard is like a Battalion Commander. He controls assets and could easily help you out with shit, but he isn’t paying attention and comes up with his own ideas while you flounder around and get your ass kicked in because he’s concerned with some other inane horseshit at a strategic level that only other wizards give a fuck about. If it weren’t for him, the Dwarves would still be at the Shire, getting drunk, not wearing shirts, lifting weights, talking about dicks, and having a great time.
