What the hell do I do with all this?

[ZenBiker990]

Guys, once again, I'm asking for help. Advice. Anything. I'm really struggling and having a difficult time finding enough help. 2017 has been epic: lost my ability to return to practice, lost my wife, and with that, lost my direction and momentum and can't seem to find either one.

Some of you know I lost my wife in October. She committed suicide as a result of months of untreated severe pain, unbelievably cruel and dismissive treatment by physicians including outright abandonment, not to mention the actual physical effect of her disorder on the brain itself. I know this because as much as it defies the odds, I have the same disorder: Intracranial Hypertension.

I've been trying to work through this; can't do this alone. Guys from the Hide (thanks to those who have been helping), my pastor, church counselor, prayer; so far, it's just barely keeping my head above water.

I know this is NEVER going to go away, I know I have to accept this and move on. There's a war going on between the cold logical part of my brain and the "me" part that is completely crushed.

So many emotions: the loss of my wife/best friend/soul mate/ why wasn't' I enough to keep her here?/furious rage at the doctors who either passively or actively ignored her pain/the hubris-laden overreach of this contrived "Opioid Epidemic" that is killing people unfortunate enough to have chronic pain that isn't cancer-related/ was my last specialist truly a sociopath (it's not a joke)...it goes on.

Then my "challenges': I'm still dealing with a significant health issue that seems to have caught medicine with its pants around its ankles. Specialists are literally guessing at what to do. I need to sell my house this spring, getting rid of just about everything except my shop equipment, and I'm not so sure about keeping that. The big one: what am I going to do with my life (such as it is)? I had given up returning to practice in order to take care of our health and get us into a place where, after years of dealing with health challenges, we might at least have a season of relative peace and happiness. Now my future is a black hole; at just 57, with all the other crap, I don't know what to do.

Trying to find legal advice about what happened. What a joke. Money won't bring her back, but this can't be given a free pass. I want to do something to keep this from happening to others, some program or process with her name on it, something to give some meaning to what happened and keep her name alive. I don't have the resources to do this right now; it eats at me, I feel a responsibility to bring some sort of recognition to her, "justice", if you will, as her husband and sole champion. This concept seems strange in today's society.

Health challenges, grief, lack of resources, time crunches. I'm looking for help, grateful for what I've found so far, but I'm still barely keeping above water. There has to be a person, a program, something. I see so many others who have been beaten down from life, military service experiences, situations way worse than mine, who come back to do meaningful things, and I need whatever it was that helped them.

I've been looking for a house, you'd think it would be easy, but I feel like my own worst enemy. I know I need another place, but this other part of my brain interferes with "she's gone...she was your life...what's the point?".

My church has been a gift, no doubt, but it's limited. Also running into a disconnect on life experience and view. Church counselor is a good guy and I'm grateful for his help; I wish I could add help from somebody closer to my age, life experience, and values. I know as bad as this is, there are others who are going through things even worse. I need a higher level of advice and support

This is a giant spitball, guys. Everytime I've tossed a question or problem out, I've gotten good advice. I was actually following plans I'd formulated around "Hide Wisdom", trying to get us someplace better. Now everything has changed, I see so many challenges in front of me, and I know I need to find a purpose, I need to find a support system, and I need to find it soon. I know this sounds contrived, but over the years of health challenges, our friends drifted away as health issues made us virtual shut-ins; members of both sides of family dismissed us as malingering drug addicts, actually using those words. My wife and I were all each other had. Now she's gone, and if I am going to make it out of this, I need to find the reason to go on, get a stable base and pursue that direction, and then, hopefully, be able to get some justice for her.

I have pickup and a 20 foot car hauler to load stuff into. No place yet to take it. I've been given advice on places to move, but the direction I took was based on making my wife happy. Now I need to find someplace where there is some group I can relate to, fit in with, be a resource for, be able to help others. For health reasons it needs to me in the mountains, cool, rural, not isolated. Off grid isn't an option.

If anyone can make any sense out of this babbling or direct me to somebody who can, I'd be grateful. I've been fighting, clawing, coping ever since that stupid neck injury over 10 years ago. Maybe I should have just given up a long time ago. Lately it seem like everything I try just doesn't work out. I'm not suicidal; I want to keep going, trying to do whatever I was put her to do, until its time for me to go. I'm just suddenly, completely lost, and direction I turn, I'm faced with a more challenges than I can deal with.

God Bless the Hide, and thanks in advance.

 

[PinesAndProjectiles]

I can't imagine being in your place. If I lost my wife, I would be in the same boat you are. Not sure where you are at, but are there any bereavement support groups that you could join?

 

[Veer_G]

For health reasons it needs to me in the mountains, cool, rural, not isolated. Off grid isn't an option.

Rural, but not isolated, is a relative concept. I'm not sure where you're at, but the Appalachians run through some fine states, some of them more 2A friendly than others.

[IMG2=JSON]{"data-align":"none","data-size":"full","height":"480","width":"640","src":"https:\/\/i.imgur.com\/a6SzmXI.jpg"}[/IMG2]

https://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/775-Bethany-Pl_Walnutport_PA_18088_M43260-41740

 

[Maggot]

"she was your life...what's the point?"."

Bull shit.

Thats using Trina as a crutch for not facing up to life itself. Its YOUR life. If you piss it away wallowing in sorrow and pity then thats on you. Suck it up.

Did you get some raw breaks? Apparantly. But thats not an excuse to quit. Are you a weak little quitter? Or are you a man who faces life and deals with it, good and bad.

That may seem cold but its the way Ive had to deal with myself. Im 68, Ive been in severe pain since age 6. Ive never had the privilege of a wife nor children. Life has dealt me more shit than I coul put on this page. Im about broke and wondering where the next turn will come from with no view in sight. Ya kinow what I say....HALLELUJAH, I live. And when you get to thinking about how bad you feel for yourself

https://youtu.be/P6YblNSotOU

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...mes-48535656&usg=AOvVaw26gwIyFOx1-cRwfYVuucNW

 

[ZenBiker990]

Minnesota, I'm trying to find a bereavement group that reaches this level. Everybody hurts over something, but around here I"m having a hard time finding a group that doesn't exist merely because Trump won or a statue scares them.

Veer: Yes, the mountains are in my heart. I just need to have people around me.

Maggot: I never said I was quitting; that's why I'm asking a larger group for advice about programs or help I personally am not aware of. I appreciate your input, but you missed the mark completely. I'm not wallowing, and don't you ever mention her name again. Thanks for nothing.

 

[powdahound76]

1: Fast and pray. Absoletely nothing else matters except finding your meaning for the rest of your life. Turn it all over, there is nothing He cant handle. Everything else can wait a few days.
2: Give me a call on the number I PMed you. I would love to talk with you.
3: I will pray for you as well brother.

God bless you.

 

[Maggot]

The best way Ive found out of depression, and I suffered it for years, is to get out and do something for someone else. There are tons of volunteer opportunities with places like Salvation Army, Red Cross, CASA, Big Brothers Big Sisters etc.

We tend to reap what we sow. If you want to feel love in your life again try giving some away.

 

[QuickNDirty]

I can't offer any advice, but I am curious what kinda shop equipment you have and what sort of work experience you've got.

 

[ZenBiker990]

If I manage to come out of the other side of this, and right now that's a big "if", doing something to provide support for others in this situation is going to be at the top of my list. I know there are a military, leos, civilians here who have been through worse than this, and I was hoping to find direction to where they got help. "Fast and Pray" is outstanding advice, but nothing beats having real people around. Thanks for everyone who responded. I seriously hope nobody here has to walk this path.

 

[Maggot]

My personal experience is that 'Fast and Pray" is absolutely the best advice, Superior to having others around. What you need is within you, not outside. You just need to peel away enough layers of what ever is blocking your answer/solution, to get down to the core issue. Once you find that it will all clear up quickly.

Some wise character from the distant past said..."You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free."

 

[steve123]

1: Fast and pray. Absoletely nothing else matters except finding your meaning for the rest of your life. Turn it all over, there is nothing He cant handle. Everything else can wait a few days.
2: Give me a call on the number I PMed you. I would love to talk with you.
3: I will pray for you as well brother.

God bless you.

Yeah, complete surrender to Jesus.

Praying for you too Zen.

 

[straightshooter1]

The best way Ive found out of depression, and I suffered it for years, is to get out and do something for someone else. There are tons of volunteer opportunities with places like Salvation Army, Red Cross, CASA, Big Brothers Big Sisters etc.

We tend to reap what we sow. If you want to feel love in your life again try giving some away.

+1

PS: One is only as alone as one chooses to be.


Sent from Tapatalk

 

[powdahound76]

"If"?

You make the choice of whether you come out on the other side of this.

I will not downplay the pain and mental struggle. I can imagine because I have seen so so many go through it. Prayer is to ask for the strength, the love, and help to keep with that choice. And asking for what your purpose is.

Wes, crazy weekend here with my daughter, will call you tomorrow afternoon, be just at 1700 your time.

 

[TheGerman]

It sucks when it all shows up at the same time. Had something somewhat similar happen to me in the mid 2000s, albeit I didn't lose my spouse to suicide so I wont pretend that I know how that feels. But I feel your pain in regards to it seeming like its coming from every angle and there are more that don't care, than there are those that do.

I went from having everything you could possibly want by the time I hit my late 20s, and actually remember sitting there proud of myself one night about it all and within a year I was unemployed, bleeding money, almost lost the house, every aspect of my life had changed, 'friends' had just up and vanished, depression and within another few months I had gone from making a ton of cash in finance, to visiting Afghanistan for the first time. Push that forward a bit and my wife decided to leave between rotations 2 and 3 even though I had basically gone all the way across the world to smell like hot garbage and get shot at so we could survive and regroup once the big finance/housing/unemployment crisis was over, but no...she just 'needed to be free' or whatever bullshit sluts say when they have no backbone. To make it even worse, my best friend ever, my Opa passed away and I couldn't be there to see him. There's a ton of other random shit to toss in there during that time but we aren't here to whine about shit we've overcome.

At some point, the only thing that made my sorry ass get out of bed in the morning, or still have that inner anger to continue on or to prevent me from miring in bad thoughts about my situation was something my grandfather always told me; There's always someone left to fight. Pretty typical of an original gangster Wehrmacht Gebirgsjager, but it still sticks with me.

I don't know you, but if you ever find yourself awake at night, or in the middle of the day, or driving down the road and you start thinking it would be easier to not have to deal with this shit, or that you just can't do it anymore, IM me and I'll send you my number. I have no problem letting you vent and then telling you to stop being a bitch.

 

[afv338]

zen i am basically going through the same as you buried my mother the day before thanksgiving having a really hard time with my dad they were married for 60 years. my dad is talking really crazy shit i am a only child as i dont have anyone also the hospital killed her i cant quit blaming myself, i went to my doctors the other day and i told him as i have been in law enforcement for 30 years and he as doctor for about the same we have seen a lot of death the older we get the easier it gets to deal with until it its close to home. the best thing i can tell you is what would your wife would have wanted you to do, and how would she want you to honer her memory. pray and ask god he will give you all the answers you need.if you need someone to talk to pm me and i will give you my number.

 

[ArmyJerry]

I got depressed once, gained 30 pounds, then heard a guy talking about the symptoms on the radio, he called in to the Bob Grant show in NYC, Bob was a gruff guy but he knew something was up with this caller so he started asking questions and a light went off. I had no energy, no motivation, anxiety, the word dread is the best description, absolute dread. I realized I was depressed, then it was a hell of a lot easier getting through to the other side not easy but easier. This was after being half paralyzed from massive brain trauma and out of commission in the hospital for 3 months, I had kids and wife to look after but had bad dreams all the time, bad bad dreams about two buds that got killed while in the Army, survivor guilt really. I surveyed the situation around me and my life, figured I had many people depending on me and had to get with the program really quick or the family unit would fall apart. Family unit meaning wife kids, brothers sisters, friends cousins etc etc. I made it through, you need to make it through also, life is an endless battle, you gotta fight for it man, the next breath aint guaranteed, so you gotta take it. Your wife and you sound like two peas in a pod, try finding other medical advice, go out and get some friends, if you don't have any, look up cousins, extended family, old service buddies, you are 57, you probably positively impacted more peoples lives than you will ever know. I gotta say from my experience that feeling of dread is a tough nut to get through and the only way I could do it was identifying that there was a problem. We have a country full of good people, get our and see some, if you want I'll get you a ticket to texas you can spend it here at my house and we can hit some rides, I am a lot more cheerful in person that I come across on the hide, I have a extra bike for you to ride. Sincere offer here.

You are not alone and you will pull through this.

 

[myronman3]

i've been kickedi the teeth left and right. when the wife abandoned me, it almost ended one night with a 45 in the mouth. best i can tell you, is pray, pray, pray. the Lord carried me through, and He will carry you, too. dont think about the week in front of you, worry about NOW. you can meet tomorrow, tomorrow. one foot in front of the other.

other than that....simplify your life. all the possesions you have, downsize. get rid of the shit. keep what is important to you, dx the rest. it takes the stress level down a shit ton. the most liberatng thing i've ever experienced.

best luck....hang in there. i'll pray for ya.

 

[Foul Mike]

Sanchez Clause prays for you too.
The best thing for me was to put forth a lot of effort to use what I knew and give it to others less fortunate than me.
That works. When you feel down go look for someone that would really like to be in your shoes rather than the ones they are in.
They are EVERYWHERE, looking for someone like you to give them advice and help them out.
Don't give them money as they will only use that to enable their bad habits, just give advice. It goes a long ways.
Regards, FM I will pray for you even though that contradicts what I believed before.

 

[Slash0311]

Smoke and prayers. Taking things one day at a time is my best advice. That may sound childish but try every day to find one thing to give thanks for. A good meal. A good sunrise.

Beyond that, I know as LEO, that help for depression or mental health issues is horrible in most places. A primary care doc might be able to refer you but it's months in line in my area.

I will also offer to talk, email, text, whatever if you need someone to listen. I'll be happy to PM my info. It's the least I can do other than to say trust in His plan.

 

[drglock]

My brothers mother in law sends me daily devotionals. This is one she recently sent me .

Great morning, Trust in the Lord and his word. Jesus Christ loves you deeply. And he is the reason for the season.
"...and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:20
Some feel it in a crowd; others feel it when they’re alone. Some feel it during the holidays, such as Christmas. Sociologists say that never before in history have so many people lived so close together and felt so far apart. Loneliness is a major problem. There’s no doubt that singles bars are filled with people battling loneliness. A divorced person, tired of one-night stands, recently said, “Sex is readily available in the American singles scenes, but friendship is not.”
I propose to you that one can still be alone, but not lonely. A person will never find victory over loneliness until he learns to enjoy being alone. At the root of all loneliness is alienation from God.
Years ago, a man named Augustine espoused that God has made us for Himself. Our soul is restless until we find rest in Him. We may seek to fill the void with activities, crowds, and noise, but a nagging loneliness will always be there until we have a personal relationship with God. When we find that, we have found the key to being alone, but not lonely, even during the Christmas season. Speak life and live. Have a good day in The Lord.

 

[Foul Mike]

Slash/ I hope I didn't come across as blowing smoke up someones ass. That was not my intent. FM

 

[Nodakplowboy]

I only have one thing to add to the conversation; get thee to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN ASAP. My wife and I floundered through many doctors and specialists for 335 days before we got a firm diagnosis from Mayo. What she has is incurable, but treatable. They found it when nobody else had a clue.

Normally one needs a referral to the Mayo. However, they have a ER. Bring ALL your medical files, explain everything to the admissions staff and you will see a doctor. It may take a few days, but you will eventually be seen.

Mayo is the best diagnostic/treatment center in the world.

 

[mtwarych]

Sir,

The Bitterroot Valley in Western Montana is what you are seeking.

If anything you see when you google the Bitterroot intrests you, PM me and we will find a way to just talk to each other about this beautiful place to live.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

JW
Semper Fi

 

[Greg Langelius *]

Glass half full/glass half empty; either way it's the same glass with the same contents. The difference is just a simple matter of opinion.

Humans are not designed to carry the entire load alone, nonstop.

My life, and that of my Wife of 47 years, is uphill all the way these days, mainly a product of age and the body slams life deals us all along the way. We survive by being there for each other, and it is inevitable that one of us will survive the other, for whatever reason. I already know that my Wife would never wish me any harm, and that courting it would do her memory a disservice.

No outcome is final unless we really screw up and choose the easy out. If God wants me, He's gonna have to come and take me; meanwhile, i'm otherwise engaged....

Short term, seek help and don't stop seeking it even when you find it, more is always better.

Forget the word 'If'; that's a denial of the simple fact that each of us is the commander of our own destiny, and that we are made to survive, and not to knuckle under. We decide if, how, and when anything becomes our reality.

Our Granddaughter keeps reminding me that I still have four lives left. Two went to Cancers, two went to Coronaries, and one went to a War. Still here, still swinging for the fences. There's not a single thing I am capable of that any other human can't count on for as long as they are unwilling to lie to their own selves. We want to live; all of us. That's the bottom line.

Make it so. No whining. Somebody on here once told me I was calling out the Wambulance. They were so right.

If your counselor isn't getting it done, find another one, but also listen to him too, and any other counselor. They are not there to solve your problems, they are there to help you figure out your own solutions, and those DO exist, they are within your power, and only an honest commitment on your own part is going to make that happen.

Greg

 

[ZenBiker990]

Galatians 6:2

It seems I come across as weak, unable to muster the grit I need to get through this. Possibly. Don't have granddaughters, children. If I had that, chances are good I"d likely not be reaching out her..just a sorry sad sack crying all over the floor.

This is not criticism of any advice offered.

"God never gives us more than we can handle."

But: if you believe in God, you have to accept He's not the only player in the game.

Again, thanks.

 

[Sean the Nailer]

Zen, buddy! When you ARE believing in God, there is always 'that other' whom can't be forgotten. That is truly what the battle is all about. So to that end, always strive to 'be the better man' and pass each daily accomplishment as a milestone towards perfection. "We" will never be perfect, but it is the good folks whom never stop aiming to be such.

Sorta sounds like another groups motto, doesn't it.

And at the same time, realizing that we don't all have all the answers shows the world (and yourself) humility in the fact that you're mortal, you're human, and you're imperfect. Just like the rest of us. It's how you continue on each moment, each step towards each achievement, and each breath that differs us from "the rest".....

Just keep breathing,,,, with this knowledge. The rest will follow suit before you even realize it.

And on a side note, (and these truly aren't 'just words', as I do mean them,,,,) Merry Christmas

It may be 'different' than planned, but it still IS, and it's yours.

 

[spaniel]

I can't say I can understand your experience; frankly I think you sound pretty together for a situation where I think I'd be in pieces. Everything you say you're feeling seems entirely normal (not that that makes it easier to bear).

I have no genius advice for you. Get out and interact with others; keep putting one foot in front of the other. Find something you are passionate about and do it, especially if it gives back to others and therefore gives back to you double.

However, I will pray for you daily for the next month.