Today's story of love lost begins with a premise I hope most guys take to heart and use as the guidance it is intended to be. Honestly men, NEVER date a school teacher who makes amateur porn. Let's all climb in the wayback machine for a look at the lonegunman's sordid past. I was once young, trim, charming and willing to hump a variety of wanton women for a variety of reasons, most of them stemming from my life long love of a great ass, really nice tits or a fascination with a red head who had a devilish streak.
It all started a long time ago in a galaxy not so far away, I was a youngish, E-5 who had separated from the active duty to go back to college and find a new path in life. World Peace had broken out and Global Thermonuclear War with evil communists was not going to be happening so about 350,000 of us had to find something else to do. I left my line number for E-6 behind and joined the ANG while attending college. I met a young, honestly beautiful young woman who was also in the ANG and attending college at a nearby rival to my college, we were both working on Education degrees. For me it was science or history for her, it was teaching young men to learn or try and concentrate with an erection.
We went TDY together several times, she was engaged to some poor bastard and engaged in taunting every guy she wasn't engaged too on the side. She was in the process of driving one of our co-workers insane. That poor bastard was a friend of her family and had been in love with her since she was 16 and he was a very creepy 28y/o cop. She married some other asshole and left him heart broken and continued to be far to friendly to the rest of us while married to a guy we never met. Years go by, she divorces the poor bastard and that poor cop reverses his vasectomy and promises to pump a kid into her if they marry. He envisions life with someone he loves. She envisions a second income stream from another man who pumped a kid into her. He buys her a two carat diamond and platinum ring for $12,500 dollars ( decent money for the late 90's) and promises to give her the world. They marry and have a kid, things are quiet for years.
He fully commits and pumps that kid into her, insuring her an income for the next two decades. She proceeds to make his life a fucking hell in all it's forms. He gets used pussy if he gets it at all. She "goes out with her friends" while he is working long law enforcement hours and her "friends" seem to always ask her to sleep over instead of driving drunk and when she returns home she always has a bit of a used taint about her. This of course is based on things I learned later, that I was blissfully unaware of at the time.
The cop apparently finds out rather quickly, this was not what he had dreamed of. He tries hard to make her happy, but apparently, he is only one man and she requires far more than that to keep her entertained. Despondent, he finds love in the arms of a horny young immigrant custodian from the Caribbean. She moved to America and he looked like a rugged manly green card and a mature older source of income. He was now a shift sergeant, making solid cash and finding solace in the arms of another. Sadly for him, he left his burner phone in the family car one day and his future ex-wife found it. Even worse, this man did not passcode the damned thing so she could read the tawdry text messages and saw the collection of naughty pics they had traded over these last many months. She took it badly, confronted the man she was neglecting with the indignation of a whore who suddenly realized she is not alone in shitting on someone who said they loved her. They separate and then divorce. She of course demands all the child support and free shit the law allowed.
About this time, we cross paths again. This woman still looks stunning, very much a Naomi Watts look alike, tall, blond, incredible ass and a very, very nice everything else. We had drinks and she told me her tale of woe. The cop of her dreams had given her a genuine two carat cubic zirconium in a $1800 dollar platinum setting and used the ring money to buy two new snow machines because he did after all, love to be in the mountains in the winter. He on his snow machine racing up the hills. Her on a drunken ski bum who was balls deep in her, back at the lodge. When she went to sell the ring, the jeweler gave her the bad news, no $12k buy out of her love only $1500 for the virtually unused setting. She was pissed telling the story, I was laughing my ass off. I stopped laughing long enough to console her slightly and remind her that her Cop was a fucking hero in the world of men for that move. I told her if it ever came up, I would have to high five her cop for it. In the world of men.............................he was a fucking king. Using the engagement ring money for snow machines, priceless.
I got invited to dinner at her place. Turns out, I was not alone. Me and another guy are apparently auditioning for boyfriend. She is making chicken enchiladas or some shit and we are drinking beer and eyeballing one another. She says, "I'll have you know my chicken enchiladas are soooo good that when I made them for the cop, he asked me to marry him." I kindly replied, "How's that working out for you?" Me and the other guy had a good laugh and clinked our beers together enjoying the humor at her expense. I finished my beer and said, "I don't audition." With a smile, I headed for the door as she sulked and took second prize to bed.
Fast forward three more years. She is single, that guy had enough. I am back from another overseas adventure in the guard, with a war on and me being a highly skilled competitive shooter and Captain of the unit shooting team, I have plenty to do that does not involve keeping up with women and their drama. More than a decade after we first met, she is still a stunner and a solid shot of ass. We always have chemistry and always have fun together and we happened to be at the same BBQ. One thing, as they say, leads to another and she came by my house to see my collection of Trojans and stare at my ceiling for a while. Thus began the strangest three months of my life.
We screwed on every piece of furniture in her house, the kids beds, the counter, the couch, the floor in most rooms. We went skiing and as it progressed I learned more and more about her and most of it made me say, "GOD DAMN! are you shitting me?" This woman looked amazing on my arm, she was a head turner all the time. Apparently, that knowing look other guys gave was because they had all boned her too. We went to some football games, concerts, expensive dinners and so forth and so on. All the while I knew something was really off. I really wanted to see it for myself before I headed for the hills. When will it arrive? Soon, was the answer.
It was coming up on holiday season and her lawyer called. She had him on speaker. He asked her is she had any interest in taking on more "side work"? He explained, he was having a party with some college buddies for the holidays and needed "entertainment" for a couple of days. She went on about how she hated to say no, but she already had plans for the holiday season. Their conversation was far more intimate than a typical lawyer chat, after he hung up she turned to explain. I was all ears at this point. Apparently, she worked off her legal bills using her horizontal skills and when she owed more than he needed, he let her work it off with his buddies. This revelation was eye opening to say the least. I thanked the gods of rubber for protecting my dick. Knowing there was more horrors awaiting me I pushed onward. It was far to early to bail out on this shit show. This had the makings of an epic story for nights out drinking with the guys, I wanted to get it all before I left.
So, we spent Thanksgiving with her family. Her brother's wife hated her intensely, it was obvious and created tension at the table. Over the course of a day with these people it became apparent I was the only one in the room that did not know the horrors hiding in these closets. As we headed home, she talked about it. She said, "Of all the men I ever dated, my brother has the biggest dick." It was friggin epic, how hard was it to keep a straight face for this revelation? I was in the middle of a Gooooooooood Damnnnnnnnn woman! when the hits kept coming. Apparently, she was unsupervised as a teenager and very friendly. She had learned that everything was available to her with that magical crotch of hers and spent her time using it like a credit card with no limit. It had cost Dad a few friends and made for many awkward moments in the old neighborhood to say the least.
Thank you Trojan brand condoms was my mantra for the next month or two. Thank you for protecting me from my mistakes. By Christmas we were on the ropes. Her ex-boyfriend was driving by her house every twenty minutes, waiting breathlessly to get some sloppy seconds the minute I left. Her lawyer, suing her two ex-husbands for more support since she was broke and without that box of hers, she could not afford a Happy Meal without a co-signer. She probably had a solid 600 credit score. She lived in the most expensive part of town and she taught first grade to boot. If these yoga pants women knew the truth about her, life would get suddenly harder on the trendy part of town.
No long afterwards, we were near the mall, buying me a new ski helmet at some sporting goods store when I noticed a guy following us around the store, playing pocket pool. I quietly asked her if she knew the creeper? She turned and said, "Hi Bob." He was red faced and said, "Hi." He stumbled through a brief conversation and took his stiffy and went elsewhere. She calmly turned to me and said, "He filmed me and his friends doing a threesome last summer. He lives over in the apartments with my girlfriend whatshername." I politely asked, "So, did you leave him hanging after the show or do the right thing?" She said, "Oh no, everyone there got some from me." And there you have it, "A School Teacher who makes amateur porn". That elf on her shelf must have gotten an eye full.
The next day, after she left for school, I loaded up my skis and my tool box, grabbed the uniform I had in her closet and my lap top and a change of clothes and headed back to the lonegunman's fortress of solitude for a good scrubbing, some laundry with bleach and an examination of my junk to make sure things were not about to fall off. I reminded myself to stop by the health department and get checked in a month to make sure I did not have any issues before I moved on. Turns out, she had left her email password saved on my laptop and I read her emails before deleting them. She was slated for a gangbang at a local ski resort to wrap up Christmas break. A New Year's eve gang bang with some guys from out of town was planned for while I was working the holiday. I was leaving just in time. This would make an epic drinking story for years to come.
Over fifteen years ago, My Christmas Miracle was avoiding STD's from a elementary school teacher who makes amateur porn. I have not spoken a word to this woman in nearly fifteen years. Suddenly she shows up on Facebook and sends me a friend request just before the holiday. I very quietly deleted the request and blocked her. Some Christmas miracles are always remembered and better if they are never revisited.
Happy New Year's to everyone here.
