Funny story, WARNING do not eat or drink anything while reading

royboy · Sep 17, 2013

" Mate, She'll be right I'm Australian" · 55,484 like this
11 hours ago ·
WORTH THE READ IF YOU HAVEN'T LAUGHED TODAY..

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.
I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

Soct · Sep 17, 2013

This has brightened my day.

dang472 · Sep 17, 2013

I assumed VJJ knew better than this.....

JSTARSZ · Sep 17, 2013

that brought tears to my eyes I laughing so hard at work too.

AMF · Sep 17, 2013

That may be the funniest thing I have ever read! "the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen" "the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her"

tomcat mv · Sep 17, 2013

AMF said:
That may be the funniest thing I have ever read! "the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen" "the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her"

My thoughts exactly. By the way OP, LMFAO! Made my day!

nashlaw · Sep 18, 2013

Oh, my! "Chutney channel"

MJP68 · Sep 18, 2013

LMAO! eyes are watering still

Bunnypunter · Sep 18, 2013

Still...Crying...cant...stop...laughing....it...hurts!

leadbullet · Sep 18, 2013

so poetic and hillarious.

Switchblade · Sep 18, 2013

That is funny, this, however, was taken from a real life incident that according to a pair of young boys who speaking to Dad on his day off, could only be called a Mud Butt Mele...
For your comedy minute, I offer:

 The Soldier has just returned from a day long mission of MRF patrols, and security walking patrols. He is both tired and hungry. He walks like a zombie through the food line getting his meal. The soldier sits, quietly eating a plate of Corned Beef, Cabbage, and Fresh cut Cole Slaw. He gets thirsty, and looks toward the fridge, seeing the Arabic marked Mountain Dew. He gets up from the table and grabs three of the smaller sized cans. As he sits down he pops the top on one can and drains it in one gulp, then opens the next can, and drinks it as he finishes his meal. On the way to his small room in the plain wooden hut, the soldier opens and drinks the third Mountain Dew, feeling the thirst from the day going away.

Once inside the small hut, he spies the black Licorice candy, the chocolate, the big sack of Jellie Bellies, and all the different cookies. Suddenly he gets the urge to try every one of them.
During the night, the soldier sleeps peacfully, until suddenly, he awakens, quickly looking for his shorts, t-shirt, slippers, and oh crap, a magazine. As he dashes out the door into the moonlit night, he feels the sphincter pucker and twitch. He lets a small fart slip, and discovers it isn’t quite dry, and begins to run. As he clears the door, he spies his favorite toilet in the room full of stalls, opens the curtain and sees it is Totally Fouled! Some jerk has left a major log jam in his best seat! He opens the next stall and oh crap, it’s NASTY! Local National Destroyed this NASTY! As he moves to open the third stall, feeling a bit of juice slip, he opens the stall, tries to get his shorts down and sit in one smooth motion…oh no, almost can’t, wait, whew there we go!
SPRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the Bagram Mud Butt Mêlée. Holy Cow! Look at that spray! It has hit the back of the seat, under the seat, and Oh My God! Look at the bottom, sides, and back of the bowl! Dude! That is GROSS! Ladies and Gentlemen, if you think Stall No2 was bad, this is the product of only the worst Mud Butt Melee. Oh man, the smell! It’s the WORST! It’s like rotten cabbage, beef, and something dead!

If you can stomach the Chow from the Bagram Chow Hall, you are in for a treat Ladies and Gentlemen. This food is fresh made from the dirtiest cooks KBR has to offer. They are a mix of the finest money seeking slouches in the world, and they guarantee you one thing: A rip roaring case of the finest bout of Mud Butt Mêlée you have ever seen, so Ladies and Gentlemen, get over to Bagram and get your Mud Butt Mêlée Now!

Written and performed for your pleasure by
Switchblade

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choover23 · Sep 18, 2013

TTT funniest thing I've heard this month.

Tomekeuro85 · Sep 20, 2013

I ignored the warning and read this while eating my jimmy johns.....

" an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head"

I literally almost choked when I read that.

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Funny story, WARNING do not eat or drink anything while reading

royboy

Private

Soct

Sergeant

dang472

Sergeant

JSTARSZ

Lefty's Rule

AMF

Private

tomcat mv

Sergeant

nashlaw

Gunny Sergeant

MJP68

Private

Bunnypunter

6.5pewpew

leadbullet

Gunny Sergeant

Switchblade

muf kin poser

choover23

Sergeant

Tomekeuro85

Sergeant

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