Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor
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Question: What's the odd one out?? A: Washing Machine. B: Toaster. C: Woman. D: Freezer.
Answer: B: Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.
Answer: B: Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.
Two good ol' boys in a southern trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work.
After a while one guy says to the other "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The other guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin. But it would make us even"
After a while one guy says to the other "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The other guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin. But it would make us even"
Tasty...
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senior, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senior. Sometimes the bull wins."
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senior, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senior. Sometimes the bull wins."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
The Truth
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Frank, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat: 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 50 walnuts and 100 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and wash it all down with a gallon of prune juice."
Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No" replies the doctor, "But it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for".
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Frank, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat: 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 50 walnuts and 100 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and wash it all down with a gallon of prune juice."
Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No" replies the doctor, "But it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for".
CIRCLE FLIES
A farmer was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing, "and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.""
A farmer was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are-I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing, "and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.""
THREE DRUNK CHICS
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I hopped on on my motorcycle, drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I hopped on on my motorcycle, drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Proper heading for that pic would be "WUHAN RESTAURANTS REOPEN AFTER 6 WEEK COVID LOCKDOWN"...
Well, I haven't been hungry enough to answer yes, yet.......
I think telling fat liberal chicks you plan to render them down for fuel oil is a good way to shut them the fuck up.
I haven't tried it, but I may have to tomorrow after work. Headed to highlands ranch to look at a bow from CL for the lady. She used to shoot a lot and has been talking for a year or more about getting back into it.
@Claymorx you should get one, that way your neighbors can't bitch about the noise we make. plus they make killing a tad quieter.... Whatever it is you need to dispatch
I think telling fat liberal chicks you plan to render them down for fuel oil is a good way to shut them the fuck up.
I haven't tried it, but I may have to tomorrow after work. Headed to highlands ranch to look at a bow from CL for the lady. She used to shoot a lot and has been talking for a year or more about getting back into it.
@Claymorx you should get one, that way your neighbors can't bitch about the noise we make. plus they make killing a tad quieter.... Whatever it is you need to dispatch
Looks like the girl on the far left is still a little raw from riding the giant butt plug
Honest question, is there an issue with sharing it? Just trying to spread some laughs, not break a Hide rule.
website/app that compiles photos from reddit into galleries.
I just find it annoying watching a new member up their post count by posting photos one by one that are in the same order as these galleries. Then they go hawk their shit in the PX and they have a high post count but they have actually contributed nothing to our community other than copy/pasted photos.
@hic28 - that may be something of other members you have seen.
I am very close friends with @Claymorx and count him among the few I trust with my life. We have had many an adventure, whisky, laughs, and a few tears together.
I bugged him to join here as I knew it would be a good place to learn, share, and find some laughs amongst a group I consider a community and cool folks.
While I am with you that padded post counts to hawk shit is annoying, best not assume. He isnt that guy.
He is just sharing what he thinks is funny if it hasn't been posted in here.
I have seen those stickers about the chive, figured it had to do with gardening.
i steer clear of most internet crap and just stick to shooting mostly. Its what I like and the other stuff looks annoying.
I am very close friends with @Claymorx and count him among the few I trust with my life. We have had many an adventure, whisky, laughs, and a few tears together.
I bugged him to join here as I knew it would be a good place to learn, share, and find some laughs amongst a group I consider a community and cool folks.
While I am with you that padded post counts to hawk shit is annoying, best not assume. He isnt that guy.
He is just sharing what he thinks is funny if it hasn't been posted in here.
I have seen those stickers about the chive, figured it had to do with gardening.
i steer clear of most internet crap and just stick to shooting mostly. Its what I like and the other stuff looks annoying.
good to know. Thanks. Hopefully others see this post and know he isnt just a turd
the name is a spin on The Onion News network
How do most get all out of whack if someone screws up or just doesn't do the things the way they do....LIGHTEN UP boys!!!!
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city when they heard moans coming from an alley.
They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten!" he pleaded.
The social workers immediately turned and walked off.
One said to the other "You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help".
They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten!" he pleaded.
The social workers immediately turned and walked off.
One said to the other "You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help".
The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples.
Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher.
Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others.
Mas-tur-ba-tion!"
Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful".
"No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".
Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher.
Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others.
Mas-tur-ba-tion!"
Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful".
"No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".
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