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Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor
- Thread starter Duc
- Start date
what do you get when you cross a Jesse Jackson & an octopus?
an 8 row cotton picker that won't work.
an 8 row cotton picker that won't work.
I was always told "a woman is good for two things, and fuckin's both of them" and some ain't even good for that.
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her butt in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the $hit house door off a tuna boat!"
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her butt in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the $hit house door off a tuna boat!"
This one is appparently a true story...
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it. Love ya work, mate!
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it. Love ya work, mate!
Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Did you hear the one about the 80 year old hooker that walked into the bar, sat down on the bar stool,... and sank slowly to the floor?
Do you know how to recondition her? Plug a 10 lb ham up her twat and pull out the bone.
Do you know how to recondition her? Plug a 10 lb ham up her twat and pull out the bone.
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife and she was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her and she was ecstatic.
I spent $1,500 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.
I spent $30 on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking mental.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her and she was ecstatic.
I spent $1,500 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.
I spent $30 on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking mental.
A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards at a Hallmark store.
After a hour of watching a clerk finally came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
After a hour of watching a clerk finally came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this.
'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting a new kitchen.'
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this.
'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting a new kitchen.'
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says:
"Meow."
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says:
"Meow."
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains.
Suddenly, Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says: "Ug... Buffalo come."
Lone Ranger says: "Wow, Tonto, that's amazing. How can you tell?"
"Ear wet."
Cheers,
Sirhr
Suddenly, Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says: "Ug... Buffalo come."
Lone Ranger says: "Wow, Tonto, that's amazing. How can you tell?"
"Ear wet."
Cheers,
Sirhr
Forgive me if this is a repeat.
do you know why men get smarter when having sex?
Because they are plugged into a know it all.
do you know why men get smarter when having sex?
Because they are plugged into a know it all.
A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back "You're gonna need more ammo!"
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back "You're gonna need more ammo!"
Little boy walks up to his dad and asks, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
Dad tells his son, "Before sex, a pussy is like a rose. With soft velvety lips and a fragrant smell of flowers."
Little boy asks his dad, "What does a pussy look like AFTER sex?"
A long pause, and dad asks his son, "Have you ever seen a bulldog crewing on mayonnaise?"
Dad tells his son, "Before sex, a pussy is like a rose. With soft velvety lips and a fragrant smell of flowers."
Little boy asks his dad, "What does a pussy look like AFTER sex?"
A long pause, and dad asks his son, "Have you ever seen a bulldog crewing on mayonnaise?"
Fixed it for you.
What's the definition of relative humidity? The sweat that drips off your balls while you're screwing your cousin.
1911fan
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the f*cking kids!!"
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the f*cking kids!!"
Guy goes bear hunting for the first time. True to beginners luck a big old boar walks past and he kills it with one shot. As he's admiring his prize there's a tap on his shoulder and it's a bear! The bear says, You know that's my uncle you just killed, now what are we going to do about it? The way I see it I can either kill you or....I have sex with you.
The guy says well I don't wanna die so do what you will. And the bear hits him in the pail, and strolls off humming a tune.
As the dude is running back to his car, he''s getting angry, Who does that fucking bear think he is!! So he turns around and heads back into the woods, sure enough a bear walks past and the dude kills it. No sooner does he walk up to it he get's a tap on the shoulder. It's the bear. The bear says You do know you just shot my auntie, right? So what's it going to be??
As the dude is walking out of the woods, he decides to have a showdown with this bear so he heads back to his stand. A short time later he's standing over another dead bear and he feels a tap on the shoulder. And, yeah it's the bear. He looks at the hunter then at the dead bear and says,
You really don't come here for the hunting do you?
The guy says well I don't wanna die so do what you will. And the bear hits him in the pail, and strolls off humming a tune.
As the dude is running back to his car, he''s getting angry, Who does that fucking bear think he is!! So he turns around and heads back into the woods, sure enough a bear walks past and the dude kills it. No sooner does he walk up to it he get's a tap on the shoulder. It's the bear. The bear says You do know you just shot my auntie, right? So what's it going to be??
As the dude is walking out of the woods, he decides to have a showdown with this bear so he heads back to his stand. A short time later he's standing over another dead bear and he feels a tap on the shoulder. And, yeah it's the bear. He looks at the hunter then at the dead bear and says,
You really don't come here for the hunting do you?
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says "How you doin'?"
Paddy says "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing".
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you".
They say "Get away with ya... prove it".
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em! What's the point of fuckin one?"
Mick says "How you doin'?"
Paddy says "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing".
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you".
They say "Get away with ya... prove it".
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em! What's the point of fuckin one?"
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks "Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says "Forty".
The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers "Nineteen".
The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old are you?"
The little girl says "I'm seven years old".
The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant".
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
The teacher asks "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says "Forty".
The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers "Nineteen".
The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old are you?"
The little girl says "I'm seven years old".
The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant".
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mum about it.
Her mum calmly said "That part where hair has grown is called 'monkey'.
Be proud that your monkey has grown hair!" The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair".
Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing... mine is already eating bananas".
She got worried and asked her mum about it.
Her mum calmly said "That part where hair has grown is called 'monkey'.
Be proud that your monkey has grown hair!" The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair".
Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing... mine is already eating bananas".
Husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived... I think I'll wear Gold tonight".
Wife says "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change".
Wife says "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change".
A redneck named Bubba from Georgia decided to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he got to Franklin, he liked the place so much that he decided to stay. But first he had find a job!
Bubba walked into the International Paper Company office and filled out an application as an experienced log inspector. It was his lucky day. They just happened to be looking for someone right then. But first, the log foreman took him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knew.
The foreman stopped the truck on the side of the road and pointed at a tree and said "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains". Bubba promptly answered "That thar's a white pine, and thar's 383 board feet of lumber in 'er".
The foreman was impressed! He put the truck back in gear and started driving again. He stopped about a mile down the road and pointed at another tree through the passenger window. The foreman asked the same two questions as before. This time it was a bigger tree of a different class. The redneck replied "That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet". The foreman was really impressed with this good ol' boy. This redneck was quick and he got the answers right with-out using a calculator. But the foreman wanted to do one more test.
They drove a little further down the road and the fore-man stopped the truck again. This time, he pointed across the road and said "And what about that one?" Before the foreman could finish pointing, Bubba said "White oak, and 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spun the truck around and headed back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the redneck is smarter than himself. As they neared the office, the foreman stopped the truck and asked Bubba to step out of the truck. The foreman handed him a piece of chalk and told him "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an "X" on the front of that tree!!" The foreman thinks to himself "Idiot, how will he know which is the front of a tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he walks around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He reaches up and places a white "X" on the trunk. The redneck then walked back to the foreman and handed him the chalk. "That thar's the front" Bubba said.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically "How in hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replied "Cuz someone took a shit behind it!" Bubba got the job.
Bubba walked into the International Paper Company office and filled out an application as an experienced log inspector. It was his lucky day. They just happened to be looking for someone right then. But first, the log foreman took him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knew.
The foreman stopped the truck on the side of the road and pointed at a tree and said "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains". Bubba promptly answered "That thar's a white pine, and thar's 383 board feet of lumber in 'er".
The foreman was impressed! He put the truck back in gear and started driving again. He stopped about a mile down the road and pointed at another tree through the passenger window. The foreman asked the same two questions as before. This time it was a bigger tree of a different class. The redneck replied "That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet". The foreman was really impressed with this good ol' boy. This redneck was quick and he got the answers right with-out using a calculator. But the foreman wanted to do one more test.
They drove a little further down the road and the fore-man stopped the truck again. This time, he pointed across the road and said "And what about that one?" Before the foreman could finish pointing, Bubba said "White oak, and 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spun the truck around and headed back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the redneck is smarter than himself. As they neared the office, the foreman stopped the truck and asked Bubba to step out of the truck. The foreman handed him a piece of chalk and told him "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an "X" on the front of that tree!!" The foreman thinks to himself "Idiot, how will he know which is the front of a tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he walks around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He reaches up and places a white "X" on the trunk. The redneck then walked back to the foreman and handed him the chalk. "That thar's the front" Bubba said.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically "How in hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replied "Cuz someone took a shit behind it!" Bubba got the job.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, in a garden, totally nude, while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because they had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced in front of the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.
Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started ringing.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, in a garden, totally nude, while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because they had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced in front of the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.
Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started ringing.
Russians...
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Question:
Which sexual position produces the ugliest baby?
Answer:
Go ask your mother!
Which sexual position produces the ugliest baby?
Answer:
Go ask your mother!
Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.
Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
`Doctor,` the embarrassed man said, `I have a sexual problem. I can`t get it up for my wife anymore.`
The Doctor looked at the man, and replied, `Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.`
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. `Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,` the Doctor requested. `Now turn all the way around...Lie down please...Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your clothes back on.`
The doctor took the husband aside. `You`re in perfect health,` he said.
`Your wife didn`t give me an erection either.`
The Doctor looked at the man, and replied, `Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.`
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. `Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,` the Doctor requested. `Now turn all the way around...Lie down please...Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your clothes back on.`
The doctor took the husband aside. `You`re in perfect health,` he said.
`Your wife didn`t give me an erection either.`
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s
serves breakfast until 11:30.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s
serves breakfast until 11:30.
Thats OK Doc, many readers have a short memory, now, what was the question???
A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”
All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”
The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Law, and I know how to make people look guilty.
The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”
All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”
The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Law, and I know how to make people look guilty.
At work a few months back I was talking to an elderly woman, helping her find a few items she needed. We were laughing about this and that. At the register she said that somewhere in the Bible it says to enter the gates of heaven you need the heart of a child. I told her I keep mine in the freezer! She got the strangest look on her face.
A guy had his house broken into and the police had caught the punk redhanded.
The home owner went to the station and demanded to talk to the punk.
The cops told him that he couldn't but he would have his day in court.
He said No, No, No you don't understand, he was able to break into the house without waking my wife, I been trying to do that for years!
The home owner went to the station and demanded to talk to the punk.
The cops told him that he couldn't but he would have his day in court.
He said No, No, No you don't understand, he was able to break into the house without waking my wife, I been trying to do that for years!
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