Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor
- Thread starter Duc
- Start date
The daughter asked dad for the keys to the car.
He said, "sure, for a blowjob.
She got stated and said "this tastes like shit!"
Dad said,"Oh, I forgot, your brother has the car."
He said, "sure, for a blowjob.
She got stated and said "this tastes like shit!"
Dad said,"Oh, I forgot, your brother has the car."
There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted
the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.
There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so
the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.
There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches
so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out
into plain view.
There was a mouse eying the hunters sandwich, he wanted the fly to
drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain
view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the
bear and the mouse could get the sandwich.
There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish
would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would
shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwich.
So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear
catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the
sandwich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which
jumped into the river.
The moral of the story is...
When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.
the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.
There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so
the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.
There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches
so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out
into plain view.
There was a mouse eying the hunters sandwich, he wanted the fly to
drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain
view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the
bear and the mouse could get the sandwich.
There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish
would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would
shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwich.
So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear
catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the
sandwich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which
jumped into the river.
The moral of the story is...
When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.
A man is driving along a long stretch of highway and is starting to get hungry, he sees a billboard that says "Grannies Cafe, best chili in the state, 10 miles ahead" The man think that sounds fantastic and decides to stop there for dinner. As he reaches the cafe he is starving, walks in and sits down at the counter next to an old timer who is just sitting there staring at his bowl of chili. The smell coming off of it is fantastic so the man orders up a bowl. The chili arrives and its the best he has ever tasted, he scarfs down the bowl in no time, but he is still hungry. He looks over at the old timer next to him and he still hasn't moved. He says to the old man "Hey gramps, are you going to eat your chili?" Without saying a word the old man just slides the bowl over, the man thanks him and starts digging in. He gets about halfway down into the bowl and discovers a giant turd, disgusted and shocked he starts puking up the chili, back into both bowls and all over the counter top.
Without moving the old timer says "That's as far as I got too."
Without moving the old timer says "That's as far as I got too."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life AND I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me!"
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honour asks "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life".
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honour asks "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life".
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."
Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Stevens 320 shotgun right in the doorway.
I gave it 5 shells and left it alone and went about my business.
While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the trash man picked up the trash, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few of my neighbors drove past the house.
After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it.
It hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented with to do so.
In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself. . . . . .
Well you can imagine my surprise, what with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people and all.
Either the media is wrong, and it is the misuse of guns by people that kills people, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.
Well, I am off to check on my spoons. I hear they are making people fat . . . .
I gave it 5 shells and left it alone and went about my business.
While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the trash man picked up the trash, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few of my neighbors drove past the house.
After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it.
It hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented with to do so.
In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself. . . . . .
Well you can imagine my surprise, what with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people and all.
Either the media is wrong, and it is the misuse of guns by people that kills people, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.
Well, I am off to check on my spoons. I hear they are making people fat . . . .
Logic
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim
goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up
for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must
be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim
goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up
for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must
be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
A socioeconomically disadvantaged child asks his mother "Mama, what's democracy?"
"Well my socioeconomically disadvantaged son, that's when white folks work every day so we socioeconomically disadvantaged folks can get all our benefits, you know, like free cell phones, rent subsidy, food stamps, all kinds of grants, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and the list goes on and on… you know".
"But mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?"
"Sure they do, but that's called racism!"
"Well my socioeconomically disadvantaged son, that's when white folks work every day so we socioeconomically disadvantaged folks can get all our benefits, you know, like free cell phones, rent subsidy, food stamps, all kinds of grants, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and the list goes on and on… you know".
"But mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?"
"Sure they do, but that's called racism!"
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer".
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place.
When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
The guy said "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer".
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place.
When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mum or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mum or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she rushed over to the table and said to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly "No he didn't... he just walked in the door".
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she rushed over to the table and said to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly "No he didn't... he just walked in the door".
Word is that OJ Simpson is getting paroled. Find out more on his web site: http://\\//\/\///\\\/\/\\\/\/\
Cheers,
Sirhr
Cheers,
Sirhr
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
"Well" the patient said "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door".
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Aw hell" the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove".
"Well" the patient said "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door".
"And then?" asked the doctor.
"Aw hell" the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove".
A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...
A young couple were traveling through the desert when their car ran out of gas and were stranded. After a while an old cowboy rode up to them and the couple asked if he would help them.
The cowboy agreed and said "This is going to cost you". The man and woman said "Okay". The cowboy went and got the gas, came back, and got the car started. The couple said "Thanks and what do we owe you for helping us?" Well I told you that it was going to cost you" said the cowboy. "No problem. What is it?" asked the couple.
The cowboy said to the husband "I'm going to screw your wife with my ten inch dick and YOU'RE going to hold my balls off of the hot sand".
Later as the couple were driving away the woman said to her husband "You know, he was a tough old coot". The husband said "I don't know about that. Did you hear him yell when I dropped his balls in the sand?"
The cowboy agreed and said "This is going to cost you". The man and woman said "Okay". The cowboy went and got the gas, came back, and got the car started. The couple said "Thanks and what do we owe you for helping us?" Well I told you that it was going to cost you" said the cowboy. "No problem. What is it?" asked the couple.
The cowboy said to the husband "I'm going to screw your wife with my ten inch dick and YOU'RE going to hold my balls off of the hot sand".
Later as the couple were driving away the woman said to her husband "You know, he was a tough old coot". The husband said "I don't know about that. Did you hear him yell when I dropped his balls in the sand?"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts.
After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted" was her reply. "What a coincidence, my wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her.
"She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex". "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to either house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come.
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat.
She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down. Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained. "We did!" he says "I just peed in your purse!"
After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted" was her reply. "What a coincidence, my wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her.
"She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex". "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to either house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come.
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat.
She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down. Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained. "We did!" he says "I just peed in your purse!"
I've heard a similar one, but they go to her apartment. She goes into the bedroom to slip into something sexy, and when she comes out he is leaving. She says, "I thought we were going to get sick together!" and he replies, "I shit in you purse and fucked your dog- I'm all done!"
Anyway- What does a 12-year old in Arkansas say during sex? "Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
1911fan
Anyway- What does a 12-year old in Arkansas say during sex? "Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
1911fan
Whats the difference between a hamburger and a dead baby?
I don't fuck the hamburger before i eat it.
I don't fuck the hamburger before i eat it.
There are battered women? Damn, I've been eating 'em plain all these years.......
My wife and I have both been suffering from depression for a while, so we were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, “Bugger it, I'll soldier on!”
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, “Bugger it, I'll soldier on!”
Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
They don't want to wear out the camel.
NFL UPDATE
The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself with Indian Names.
The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor
of all the pricks in Washington DC , effective immediately!
The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself with Indian Names.
The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor
of all the pricks in Washington DC , effective immediately!
Since my wife died, leaving our teenage daughter and I behind, I've found that routine can help to cope with the loss. For example, every night I pour myself a glass of wine, pop my head round the lounge door and say to my daughter "Night night. I'm off to bed". I then walk up the stairs and straight into her bedroom, taking a seat in the corner. Ten minutes later, she makes her way upstairs and into her room. She strips off, gets comfortable on her bed and masturbates herself to a quiet but intense orgasm. She then rolls over and falls asleep. I finish off my wine, and slowly creep out of the room, so that she doesn't wake up. I then take my glass downstairs and wash it in the kitchen sink, feed my daughter's guide dog, and go to bed.
A chicken farmer went to the local bar, sat down next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence," said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating," said the woman.
"What a coincidence," said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," the farmer said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!"
I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out". I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out". I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".
Friend of mine got me some very rude T-shirts a few years ago:
After I eat my vegetables,
Where DO I put their wheelchairs?
Dip me in Chocolate,
Feed me to lesbians.
In my world,
You're just passing thru.
It's only kinky,
The first time you do it.
"Recreational gynocologist" is on another one - think there was a party around that birthday shirt... memory not good......
And my wife's favorite is a black T with LARGE letters "100% Negro" - looks good on the Harley, so everyone can see it!!!
Anyone remember the "Big Johnson" T shirts?
edited to add the one I am wearing to the airport today :
I hear voices in my head,
And they don't like you.
After I eat my vegetables,
Where DO I put their wheelchairs?
Dip me in Chocolate,
Feed me to lesbians.
In my world,
You're just passing thru.
It's only kinky,
The first time you do it.
"Recreational gynocologist" is on another one - think there was a party around that birthday shirt... memory not good......
And my wife's favorite is a black T with LARGE letters "100% Negro" - looks good on the Harley, so everyone can see it!!!
Anyone remember the "Big Johnson" T shirts?
edited to add the one I am wearing to the airport today :
I hear voices in my head,
And they don't like you.
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Johnny's teacher is covering simple math one day and asks the class what is 12 - 3...... No one answers. She asks again, what is 12 - 3 and again there is no answer. Johnny is in the back of the room and making jokes with his friends so the teacher calls him out. She says "Johnny. If there were 12 birds on the fence and you shot 3 how many birds would there be on the fence?" Johnny replied, "None." To which the teacher replied "Obviously even you are not dumb enough to think that 12-3 equals zero." Johnny said, "As soon as you shot the first one the others would fly away so there would be none." The teacher said "Not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you think" To which Johnny says " I have a question for you teach. If there are 3 women sitting on a bench in the mall eating icecream, one is licking her cone, one is biting her cone and the last one is sucking her cone. Which one is married?" the teacher thought for a moment and said "I guess it would be the one sucking her cone." Johnny says "No, it's the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think!"
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a guy runs by and flashes them.
1st nun has a stroke
2nd nun has a stroke
3rd nun couldn't reach
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a guy runs by and flashes them.
1st nun has a stroke
2nd nun has a stroke
3rd nun couldn't reach
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is un-called for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really."
"Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The Pope looked around at each of them.
Slowly a big smile crept across his face, he took off his hat, pulled out a toothpick and said, "You motherfuckers are my kind of people!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is un-called for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really."
"Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The Pope looked around at each of them.
Slowly a big smile crept across his face, he took off his hat, pulled out a toothpick and said, "You motherfuckers are my kind of people!"
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel.
A woman from New York who was a tree hugging, anti-hunting, anti-gun urbanite, purchased a piece of timberland in Vermont . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her new land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered an native Great Horned owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and was used to quality big-city medical service and expected top-quality medical care commensurate with her importance as an wealthy New Yorker. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and that he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but they turned you down.
Cheers,
Sirhr
As she neared the top she encountered an native Great Horned owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and was used to quality big-city medical service and expected top-quality medical care commensurate with her importance as an wealthy New Yorker. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and that he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but they turned you down.
Cheers,
Sirhr
A Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw a message written in piss on the heavy snow from the night before: "A happy birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your loyal servant". The Czar called Ivan and said "It was nice of you to remember my birthday, but how the heck did you do it? You're illiterate!" The servant responded "Oh, it was simple. I was pissing in snow and your wife was holding my dick!"
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