Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

#401
Jim is always going to the bar after work with his friends. Jim always gets to drunk which is creating a real problem with his work, wife, and family. His wife cuts him off from going to the bar ANY more.

For months Jim is obedient. However one day at work, Jim's friends come up to him and say we are taking you out tonight for your birthday!! "I can't" he says "Every time I go to the bar I get out of control". They all tell Jim that they will take good care of him and that they won't let him drink too much. He finally gives in and goes out to the bar that night with all of his friends.

Three hours in his friends forget about keeping him under control, and he gets wasted. Jim throws up all over his shirt and realises his wife is going to be furious. His friend comes up and says "Don't worry, this is what you are going to do! Take this 20 dollars put it in your pocket. When you get home tell your wife a guy threw up on you and offered you 20 dollars to pay for your ruined shirt". Jim smiles at the thought of the brilliant plan and continues to drink.

Well his friends drop Jim off at the end of the night and his wife is up waiting for him. She asks Jim if he got out of control like he usually did. He denies it. She then asks why he has throw-up on his shirt. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out some cash and hands it to her. He tells her how a guy threw up on him and gave him 20 bucks to pay for his ruined shirt.

She looks at him for a second, and then at the money. She looks back at him and says "Okay, but why is there 40 dollars here?" Jim says "Oh yeah he shit in my pants too!"
 
#402
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts. Again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.


Why do you think she brought her husband to the store?



Her husband speaks English!
 
#403
It's a funny old world we live in. Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...



--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.
 
#404
While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two postage stamps.
 
#405
Monastery of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome
here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do
so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the
Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her
that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch
since you got here."
 
#406
Little Johnny



The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited..
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she
said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that
approach for my obvious success."


"Very good", said the teacher.


Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and
I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.


Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"


Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher,


"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much
money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up
a Dip & Chip
stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then
I would say,
"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the Presidental
method
of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling
you it's free and
then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
Bless his heart
 
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#407
Q; What do you call a gay bar with no chairs?
A; A fruit stand.

Q; What do you call a swimmer with no arms and legs?
A; Bob.

Q; Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?
A; Because she was fucking Goofy.

Q; What do you call a dog with no legs?
A; Nothing. It won't come anyway.
 
#408
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time "Would you like some bacon and eggs, toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra" he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra" he says "It's really spoiled my need for food".

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry". "Well" she says "Would you mind getting off me? Cos I'm fucking starving".
 
#409
A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."
--
 
#410
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker "How much do you charge?" The Hooker replies "It starts at $500 for a handjob". The guy says "$500 dollars! For a handjob! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes". "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes". "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes". "Well" says the hooker, smiling invitingly "I own those. And I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500".

So the guy says "What the hell? You only live once right... I'll give it a try".

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realsing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says "I suppose a blowjob is $1000?" The hooker replies "$1,500". "I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"

The hooker replies "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1500". The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says "Sign me up".

Ten minutes later he's sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us - all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe "You own the WHOLE city?" "No" the hooker replies "but I would if I had a pussy"
 
#412
A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".

Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".

Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry".

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?" She replied "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh".
 
#414
Riots and protests were rapidly getting out of hand in LA, Miami, Atlanta, and New York.

Tear gas, water hoses, beanbags and rubber bullets, nothing was working.

Finally desperate police had to fly helicopters over and dump boxes of job applications into the raging mobs.


Crowds were dispersed in less than two minutes.
 
#415
A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

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#417
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife
with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they
appeared still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy,
"I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married,
you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said.

"I forgot her name about ten years ago."
 
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#418
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see that you
were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
 
#427
A guy is walking along Bondi Beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says "I want to live forever".

"Sorry" said the genie "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life".

"Okay, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt".

"You crafty little bastard" said the genie.
 
#428
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do" said the doctor "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response".

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens". Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Peg, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"

"For fuck's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
 
#429
priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws".

The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich". The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith".

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
#430
After those funny but not Unacceptable jokes from Herm lets try to get back on track.

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 4
 
#433
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say '99'".

The old guy obeys and says "99". The doctor says "Great now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say '99'".

Again, the old guy says "99'". The doctor said "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'.

The old guy begins "One... two... three"...
 
#436
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
 
#438
First Post - Sitting at a Bar

Long time lurker, long time shooter. Being my first post, I'll add some tasteless humor...

A guy walks into a bar w/a dog under his arm, walks up to the bartender and says, "if you give me a shot on the house, I'll have my dog sing 'Auld Lang Sine' out of his asshole". Bartender's left speechless and decides, "sure, why not..." Guy places dog on top of the bar and says, "okay Spot, hit it." Dog's anus is spasmimg like a drunkard's hand and all of a sudden a huge turd comes flying out and lands on the bar with a wet thwack.

Bartender throws the guy and his dog out on their asses. Guy turns to do and says, "WTF?" Dog says, "sorry, had to clear my throat..."
 
#439
A priest is walking on the sidewalk and notices a little boy shaking a bottle of clear liquid and watching it bubble. The priest was curious so he asked the boy what he was doing. The boy told him that what he had in the bottle was turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world. The priest looked at the boy and told him " son, the most powerful water in the world is not turpentine but holy water". I can rub a teaspoon of holy water on a pregnant woman's belly and she is guaranteed to pass a baby boy. The boy looked at him and smiled. That ain't really all that much he said. I can rub a teaspoon of turpentine on a cats ass and he is guaranteed to pass a motorcycle.
 
#440
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.

When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,

'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

‘OK’ the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 
#441
Probably old but.....

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.


Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206: (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
 
#442
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait ladies," cried the professor, "the boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
 
#444
A lady with no arms and no legs was laying on the beach. A man was walking by and the lady asked him if he would give her a kiss, because she had never been kissed before. He said ok, kissed her and began to walk away. The lady then asked him if he would feel her up, because she had never been felt up before. The man did and then began to walk away. The lady stopped him one last time. She said she had never been fucked before either. The man said, ok, so he picked her up and threw her in the ocean.
 
#446
The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.... or you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question".

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

The mayor took a breath, steadied himself, looked the man squarely in the eye and asked "Do you have a blue Muslim?"
 
#447
A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first, from the USA, says "My answer is... there is NO answer".

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the supplied information ".

The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Australian got the job.
 
#448
The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse”.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.


My wife is pissed off with me again.
I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper.
She has no sense of humour.
 
#449
Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose runs and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The other says, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."
 
#450
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
 
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