Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

#451
GHOST SEX

A professor at the Monash University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "s#!t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
 
#452
Pierre the French fighter pilot


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
 
#453
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.. He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold .'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!
 
#456
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry" she exclaims "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who can keep you company while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, they are both deaf mutes".

With this she ushers him in to the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching the soccer game, and mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly, dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into an eerie, awkward silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up and gives her one from behind and place two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner had they concluded this strange behaviour, the daughter returns fully dressed for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening, the girl asks "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you" replied her date "it's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked!"

After pleading with him to explain in more detail, the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first your mother jumped from her chair and lifted up her skirt. She then pulled down her panties and threw a glass of water over her behind". "I see..." said the girl. The boy then says "Your dad leant your mum over the couch and did her from behind. He then sat back down and placed match sticks under his eyelids".

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mum was simply saying "Are you going to get this arsehole a drink?" And dad replied "No, fuck you. I'm watching the match!"
 
#457
Three Holy Men & A Bear!
========================================
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
 
#458
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 
#459
Sex after surgery
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman stated "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
 
#460
The honeymoon!
A young newlywed couple arrived at the remote lakeside bed and breakfast for their honeymoon. The owner kindly checked them in on the first day and they seemed like a nice couple. Shortly after check-in, the new husband headed down to the dock to do some fishing. He fished until dark and then returned to his cabin. The next morning the new husband was at the dock fishing at first light and stayed there until dark. The wife came down only to bring him meals and chat for a short while, and would return to the cabin. This continued for several days. This struck the owner of the B&B as very odd behaviour for a newlywed couple, and finally he decided to investigate.

He went over to talk to the man finally and said "say, this is your honeymoon is it not?"

"Sure is," said the man. "This place is beautiful and we're both having an excellent stay."

"Uh huh, " said the owner. "I don't mean to pry, but on my honeymoon, well, my wife and I spent most of our time in the bedroom..."

"Oh well, we can't do that" said the man. "My wife, she's got an awful case of gonorrhea."

"I See" Said the owner. "Have you given any thought to oral sex?"

"Can't. She's also got bad pyorrhea" said the man.

After a moment of awkward silence the owner asked... "Anal?"

"Nah, she's got chronic diarrhea. And I'm just not into that anyway" said the man.

"Well hell son. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but, why in the world did you marry this woman???"
asked the owner in total confusion.

"Cause she's got worms and I love to fish!"
 
#461
A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina". The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas".
--
This friend of mine had a disgusted look on her face and she said "Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people live next to a paedophile"? I said "Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds".
--

--
What is worse than getting your keys stuck inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
 
#462
This is actually very socially acceptable, but this is as good a place as any for it...

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Barney... As for your pedophile joke... to their credit, at least pedophiles slow down in school zones.

Cheers,

Sirhr
 
#463
I have to say sorry if this pushes any of the wrong buttons, but read through this topic and haven't seen this joke yet so had to share.

What's the worst part about being a black jew?
Sitting in the back of the oven.
 
#467
To prepare for his big date, a young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his 'tool'. Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they retreated to the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn really started to sting.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and sighed as the feeling of immediate relief set in.

The blonde upon hearing this sigh wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his 'love muscle' immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed "So, THAT'S how you load those things".
 
#471
Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments. Muslims will now be used instead. A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just as fast as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them!
 
#472
There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest crap-eating grin on his face.

The other two cops ask him "Why are you so happy?"

He tells them "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my service revolver cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time".

The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a crap-eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife.

I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great".

The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, mad as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! That woman almost bit off my fucking dick and she crapped in my face!"
 
#474
Not particularly unacceptable but what the hell....

A penguin is having car trouble and takes his car to a mechanic.
Mechanic says to come back in a few minutes while he diagnoses the diagnosis.
The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street and figures that would be a good place to kill some time.
He LOVES ice cream.
So we waddles over there... (flippers), the bell rings as he opens the door.
No one inside. He rings the bell with his flipper.... no one answers.
Given that he LOVES ice cream, and no one appears to be watching the store, he helps himself.
Soon, little flipper-fulls of vanilla aren't enough and he jumps up into the case.
Rolling in the sensuous, luxurious, creamy goodness he's lost in the oblivion of total satisfaction.
Satiated, covered in ice cream, and remembering his vehicle, he leaves the still empty shop... (flippers)
On approaching the mechanic he politely asks if the diagnosis was able to be diagnosed.
"Yea, looks like you blew a seal." the mechanic says.
Indignant the penguin replies, "Oh no no no, it's just ice cream."
 
#477
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick...

Moral of the story - Pay your fucking bills!
 
#478
A guy goes to see his doctor about a problem that he has. Once in the surgery, the doc asks the guy what is wrong with him. The guy replies "well doc, you see I've got this problem and it's really quite embarrassing". "Go on" says the doctor. "Well" continues the guy "I've got an orange penis!" "Never!" says the doctor "I'm sorry but I don't believe you".

So the man pulls down his trousers and underpants, 'whips it out' and sure enough there for all to see is a bright orange penis. "Well I never" says the doc. "This is a form of a rash that I have seen in other parts of the body, but never 'there', and it's normally caused by great amounts of stress in a person's life - can you tell me about your work life?"

The guy replies "Well, I got sacked two months ago..". "Ah!" says the doctor "so that must be the problem". "Well I don't think so" replies the guy "I really hated my last job - the hours were terrible, the work was boring and my boss was a total prick. Now I've got a new job with better pay, better hours, it's interesting and my boss is cool".

"Okay" says the doc "So that isn't the problem. What about your home life?" To this the guy replies "Well, I'm currently going through a divorce from my wife". "Ah!" says the doctor "so that must be the problem". "Well I don't think so" replies the guy "She was a real bitch, my ex-wife. All she did all day was nag, nag, nag - I'm so glad to be rid of her".

"Okay" says the doc "So that isn't the problem. What about your social life?" To this the guy replies "err... well I don't really have one - most nights I just stay home, watch porn and eat Cheetos..."
 
#481
This is the Best, Most Interesting English Lesson I have had to date.

Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English- speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you."


How weird is that?
 
#483
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the US) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?" The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked "Who will be the enemy?" The general replied "All indications point to China". Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all... or even survive?"

The general answered "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs and Israel was always victorious".

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked "Do we have enough Jews?"
 
#485
I work at a car dealership, and sales is open a couple hours after we close. We have a flatscreen TV in our waiting room. One sales manager is a rabid sports fan, so I've been hiding the remote from him. He's short, the TV is up on the wall, so it's been a fun game.
Took him a while to find it this time:
http://s104.photobucket.com/user/NCWMike/media/photo_zpsed3542a7.jpg.html


1911fan
 
#487
Reasons for Sensitivity Training

  • I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

  • The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

  • Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

  • The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

  • A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

  • I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

  • My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

  • The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
 
#489
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
 
#494
Air Force one arrives at Heathrow, out steps President Obama who strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the outskirts of London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage pulled by 6 white horses. They continue into London to the cheers of the crowds.

Suddenly, the rear right horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to the President "Mr President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand that there are something's even a Queen cannot control".

Obama, always trying to be 'Presidential' replied "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses...
 
#499
A man walks in the door and has a sheep tucked under one arm. He looks at his wife and says "this is the pig I have been sleeping with". She looks at hims and says "but that's not a pig". The man replies "shut up, I wasn't talking to you".

I was in the OR and the CRNA told me that one mid-case.
 
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