Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

#552
H/T to my brother for these:
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"





I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out!.



A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy
...not a fucking photo-copier."


Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We are making you a little brother."
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"


"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."


Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me.

Is she a pervert or what?


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#553
One Sunday morning after breakfast a old farmer told his wife he was going to the barn. The farmers wife finished the breakfast dishes and got ready for church. She was wondering what her husband was doing out in the barn so she went out to see. To her amazement she caught her husband fucking a cow. She got really pissed and said she was going to church and tell everybody at church what he was doing. He said, That's fine and I will tell them which one of you two has the better pussy.
 
#554
HOW TO SPEAK LIKE AN AUSTRALIAN

COMPLIMENTS
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue".
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe".
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

YES
"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it".
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
"Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Bloody oath!"
"No wuckin' forries".
"Is a frog's arse watertight?"
"Does a duck's bum pucker in a power dive?"

NO
"Pig's arse!!"
"Do chickens have lips?"

ASSORTED
"Drilling for Vegemite". (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super". (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded". (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock". (try to picture this one)
"Like throwing a sausage down a hallway" (bad sex with a loose girl)
"Like trying to put a marshmallow in a coin slot" (sex after a few too many beers)

I'M HUNGRY
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies".
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey".
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich".
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair".
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck".

I'M THIRSTY
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger".
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty".
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay".
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat".
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards".
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart".

I NEED TO GO FOR A PEE
"Gonna drain the dragon".
"My back teeth are floating".
"Need to syphon the python".
"I got to take a snake's hiss".
"Gotta go have a slash".
"Gonna go water a horse".
"I'm off to drain the main vein".
"Time to splatter the bladder".
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it".
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend".

I NEED TO DO A POO
"I gotta go give birth to a politician".
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl".
"I've got to drop the kids off at the pool"
"Off to the bog to leave an offering".
"Time to snap off a grogan".
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave".
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie".
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door".
"I'm going to give birth to your twin".
"Need to choke a brown dog".
"I've freed Nelson Mandela".
"Taking out the garbage".
"I gotta back one out".
"Gonna lay some cables"
"Off for a James Hird"
"I'm touching cloth"
"The turtle is poking his head out for a look"
"Spray painting the Duck Bluey"

VOMIT
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning".
"I left him a lawn pizza".
"Toss a tiger on the carpet".
"Having a technicolour yawn".
"Say hello to Ruth"

INSULTS
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders".
"Not enough brains to give himself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull".
"You must be the world's only living brain donor".
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm".
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard".
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down".
"Face like a bashed crab".
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down".
"He's got a few roo's loose in the top paddock".
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery".
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes".
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards".
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can".
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground".
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse".
"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties".
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition".
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack".
"Seen better heads in a piss trough".
"You're as handy as shit on a stick".
"Tighter than a fish's arse".
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him".
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp".
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon".
"Fucked in the head".
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie".
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door".
"Mate, shes as rough as a pigs breakfast".
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot".
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle".
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times".
"She's two pick handles wide".
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag".
"As ugly as a bag of spanners".
"You've got a head like a dropped pie".
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away".
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job".
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it".
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs".
"As thick as two short planks!"
"Oxygen Thief"
"What a pog" (pog = pig dog)
"Shit for brains"
 
#555
Silently I slipped the condom over my erect cock and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared in wide eyed disbelief, then breaking the nervous silence I spoke "Yes that seems to fit okay, I'll take the whole packet please"...
 
#556
A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks "Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his face, then he spits and says "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"

Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about 10 minutes later and asks again "Can I help you now?" The man replies by spitting and saying "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"

The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to the guy, grabs him by his collar and says "What seems to be the problem here?" The man spits and says "Mother Fucker sure can drive!" The manager tells him "Look this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't have to throw you out".

The man looks up at the manager and says "Well, I was in my 18 wheeler and I had this nineteen year old green horn kid driving, we were coming down the old mountain road, when I saw this traffic jam down in front of us so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your dick! *SPIT* AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!!"
 
#559
Bad Day

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
#560
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir.
Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.
 
#561
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall.

When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?"

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says.



"No... Barbie cums with GI Joe! She only fakes it with Ken..."
 
#564
there comes a time in a father's life to choose whether to work twice as hard until the he dies and save every penny to support his daughter's college education to prepare her with the tools to be successful.

or face reality and just buy her a pole and several bags of lollipops to practice with to meet her goals twice as fast at a fraction of the cost.

decisions decisions
 
#565
Little Johnny comes into the kitchen and says, "Mom, did you know Grandma has a shrimpy?" Mom, confused, asks "What's a shrimpy?" Little Johnny just repeats it, and finally offers to show Mom what he means.
they go out into the living room, and there's Grandma sleeping on the couch. Her knees are slightly apart, and Johnny points and says, "See, there's her shrimpy!"
Mom days, "No, Johnny, that's a vagina."
Little Johnny replies, "Hmmph.. tastes shrimpy."


1911fan
 
#566
Wed night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head,
hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'
 
#567
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later,the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meetat Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

Cheers,

Sirhr
 
#569
Bloody 'ell, sirhr, Angus gets around!

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.
From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used,
torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side.
He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?"
The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."
Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"
The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair."
The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face
"Ian, the Regiment has decided to replace!"
 
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#572
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
But what makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q. R S T. U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
*******
*******
Now you know why some people are where they are! __________________
 
#574
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. __________________
If a man yells “YOU LIE” in a room full of Politicians,
How do they know who he’s talking to?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started. __________________
 
#575
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
 
#576
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
A computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music
In women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
Depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained
About men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
 
#577
Last Friday, a hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber shot and killed her as well.

Everyone in the bank, now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled out, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said, "Me wife gat a fair look atcha, mate!!!!"
 
#578
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and

Pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
 
#579
When a girl loves you, you are a boyfriend

When a few girls love you, you are a man

When many girls love you, you are a lover

When hundreds of girls love you, you are an idol

When thousands of girls love you, you are a leader

But,

When all the girls in the world love you, you are not human… You are a diamond, gold, a rupee, a dollar, a euro, or a yen.. :p
 
#581

Headed to an important meeting. On the way there, the boss and I were discussing game plan. I brought up some potential holes in our argument and wanted his thoughts on how to handle it. He finally just said "If you can't dazzle'em with your intelligence, baffle'em with your bullshit". Then he changed the subject to where we would have lunch.
 
#582
I guess I should post a dirty joke too.

What's the difference between Love and True Love?

If it's Love, she'll take it out of her mouth and put it in her ass.

If it's True Love, she'll take it out of her ass and put it in her mouth.
 
#588
Travel Warnings

Travel Warnings

*-- Be Prepared --*

The state highway department has issued a travel warning due to snow storms andbad road conditions.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should ensurethat they have the following:

- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra winter clothing including coats, hat and gloves
- Water
- 24 hours worth of food
- Deicer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- 5-gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like an idiot when I got on the bus this morning.
 
#590
Gun Control

Gun Control, it has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer
 
#593
CONDOM HISTORY - Interesting piece of history!
In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
 
#594
A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theatre, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum". The girl replies "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
--
Teacher asks the kids in her year 3 class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson... "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's bitch".
 
#595
CULTURAL DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED

AUSSIES: Dislike being mistaken for Poms when abroad.
CANADIANS: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
AMERICANS: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
BRITS: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

AUSSIES: Believe you should look out for your mates.
BRITS: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
AMERICANS: Believe that people should look out for them.
CANADIANS: Believe that that's the government's job.

AUSSIES: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
AMERICANS: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
CANADIANS: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
BRITS: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

AMERICANS: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
CANADIANS: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
BRITS: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
AUSSIES: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

AMERICANS: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
BRITS: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
CANADIANS: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
AUSSIES: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in everything.

AMERICANS: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
BRITS: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
CANADIANS: Spell like the BRITS, pronounce like AMERICANS.
AUSSIES: Add "G'day" "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get sex.

BRITS: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AUSSIES: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AMERICANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.
CANADIANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.

AMERICANS: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
CANADIANS: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
BRITS: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
AUSSIES: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

AMERICANS: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
CANADIANS: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
BRITS: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
AUSSIES: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
 
#596
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin out in the sticks. So they caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of the city the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel.

Sven said to Lena "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied "No. I vant to wait till ve get to ze cabin".

Eventually, the repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said "No. I vant to wait till ve get to ze cabin!"

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven "I tink ve should go into ze voods and do it".

Later when they returned to the bus, Sven asked Lena "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"

Lena said "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over!"
 
#597
St. Peter and St. Paul are sitting in the staff room in Heaven sharing a cigarette with looks of despair on their faces.

St. Paul complained "Peter, I am so bored". "You're Bored?? All I do is stand at those pearly-fucking-gates, say yep you're in or no bugger off sinner. That's it for nearly 2000 years!" grumbled Peter.

Jesus strolls in whistling to himself and asks "Hiya boys, wassup?" Paul replied "We're bored J, we don't got nothing to do but be saintly". Jesus says "I've been thinking the same thing so I went to Pops and asked him if we could have one day of sin downstairs for all the good work we done, and he said yep. We get one day every 2000 years. So I've booked tickets for the Ministry of Sound nightclub in London and 3 hotel rooms in the Hilton Hotel. We'll go down, dance and get our hands on some pussy and screw them all night in our rooms".

Peter laughed "Way to go J, and I'll tell you what. We'll all meet up here at noon tomorrow and tell each other all about it. Have something to talk about for the next 2000 years".

They all agree, so off they go.

Their heavenly auras attract the women like flies and we leave them winking at each other as they turn the keys in the hotel room doors.

Next day, Peter is sitting down humming to himself back in God's staff room when Paul materialises with a massive smile on his face. "Go on, what happened?" says Peter "You can tell J when he gets here". "Well, she didn't mess about. She just dropped her dress, and was naked underneath, did a handstand and started sucking me off while I ate her and it carried on from there..."

"Nice one" said Peter "it was different for me, when she undressed she had PVC crotchless panties on, and whips and chains in her purse. I never new pain could be so pleasurable".

All of a sudden Jesus appeared with a face full of gloom and anger.

"What's up J?" they asked. "I don't want to talk about it" Jesus scowled. "You've got to, we made a pact and the day of sin is now over so fess up!" argued Peter and Paul. "All right then, it started out great. She was so beautiful and when she undressed she was wearing small, white silk underwear to compliment her deep tan. She peeled off her clothes seductively, to really turn me on".

"Yes, Yes...?" the two panted. "Then she came over and kissed me deeply, moaning as my hands moved over her pert breasts, my hand wandered down to the gash between her legs..." "Yeah... AND!?" "And it fucking healed up didn't it!" shouted Jesus.
 
#599
An Indian, a Black, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on Aussie beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant four wishes" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece.

Pointing at the Black, he said "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish".

The Black thought for a moment then said "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them away from this white suppression".

POOF! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

POOF! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah".

POOF! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked "And what is your wish?"

The Australian watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said "Just give me a beer. It doesn't get any better than this
 
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