Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

[diverdon]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
poor creature?'


Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000
is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[diverdon]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Income Tax office. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'


'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[diverdon]

An elderly man
walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:


Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

 

[diverdon]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

[diverdon]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'

 

[Maggot]

I got my toothpaste mixed up with the Preparation H. My gums are shrinking but my hemorrhoids are SHINY WHITE.

 

[TOP PREDATOR]

todya' the wife's birthday

so i got her a gas card with enough $ on it to get to local seafood place to get a free Bday lobster dinner.

i must be getting softer the older i get, last year she almost broke her ankle trying to get there.

 

[Cornholeo]

a woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'wow,' the social worker
exclaims, 'are they all yours?'

'yep, they're all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'sit down terry.' all the children rush to
find seats.

'well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

''well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named terry and the girls are all named terri."

in disbelief, the case worker says, 'are you serious? They're all named terry?'

their momma replied, 'well, yes - it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school , i yell, terry! And when it's time for dinner, i just yell terry! And they all come a running. And if i need to stop the kid who's running into the street, i just yell terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea i ever had, naming them all terry.'

the social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole
bunch?'

'then i call them by their last names.'

 

[jrassy]

Oldie but goody….laughed my ass off.

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

~ ~ ~

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

~ ~ ~

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

~ ~ ~

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

~ ~ ~

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going.

"I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

~ ~ ~

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or what?

~ ~ ~

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

~ ~ ~

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

~ ~ ~

What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?

ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!

~ ~ ~

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

~ ~ ~

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.

~ ~ ~

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool."

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our wedding video."

~ ~ ~

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."

That fuckin' spider never knew what hit it.

~ ~ ~

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

 

[Barneybdb]

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage. "Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked. Yeah," he replied "But be fair though, you were only eleven at the time..."
--
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue". With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
--
I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don't worry if you can't come.
--
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".

 

[Barneybdb]

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice "Sack my cook".

And, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

 

[Barneybdb]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy".

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home". "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband. "He said the reflector is broken" replied the Amish lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband. The wife replied "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake".

 

[Barneybdb]

I know everything about you and you are my target.

I have never met you and don't know your name and up until today I didn't know where you live.

You passed me on the road and suddenly I knew everything about you.

You are a single mother with teenage daughter, no men in the house.

You are relatively well off and like playing tennis.

You don't have any big dogs, just one small dog that is no threat to me.

Judging by the car you drive you will have flat screen TV's and because you have a teenage daughter there will be things like computers, tablets and smart phones in your house.

I decided to follow you home because you have shown me that you are a soft target.

When I invade your home with my gang I know there will be very little resistance, no men and no big dogs but plenty of expensive stuff for us to take.

How did I know all this information about you without having ever met you, spoken to you or seen your house?

By the little pictures of your family set up that you put on the back window of your car.

These pictures have made my job so much easier because they tell me nearly everything I need to know without having to drive around the neighbourhood spying on houses and sitting watching and gathering all this information.

It used to take me days of surveillance to get this information.

Thank you very much; I will be visiting you one of the evenings whilst you are watching TV.

I'm not a violent person but I can't say the same for my gang members.

Fortunately I'm not a violent criminal but because of my job I have to think like one and driving around checking out the little pictures on the back window of cars made me realise just how much information they give out about you, your family and to a large extent your wealth.

Pictures of a family with golf clubs, children with computers, wives with tennis rackets and pictures of what type of dogs your family have all tell a story about you and whether it's worth making you and your family a target.

 

[Varmint_Poontang]

Historical video, complete with audio, has proven that the Holocaust was caused by a mere breakdown in translation. Hitler and Hirohito had met and used an English interpreter to communicate. At one point Hitler asked the Japanese Emperor if he would like to start a world war and conquer the globe, at which Hirohito responded with "Go fly a Kite!" But unfortunately the interpreter misunderstood his broken English and heard "Go fry a kike!" The rest is history.

 

[Decoy]

A old guy was in the check out line buying dog food when the lady behind him asked if he had a dog.

He decided to screw with her so he quickly replied, no I am on the dog food diet, it helped me loose 38 pounds last time I was on it although I did end up in intensive care.

She said, Oh my God was it from eating bad dog food that came over from China that I read about?

He said no not at all. I was walking one day and stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and got hit by a car!

 

[jrassy]

Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer....
September 9, 1850?

California became a state!
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically NOTHING has changed except, then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today.

 

[Barneybdb]

I was going to ask why what appears to be historical truth was being presented as "Socially Unacceptable Humor" but then I realized....

 

[Barneybdb]

A Catholic boy in confession says "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister". "That's a disgrace..." said the priest "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers".

 

[Barneybdb]

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equaliser.

The professor then said "Okay, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

 

[Barneybdb]

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter A".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence. A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"...

 

[Barneybdb]

Small hick town in the USA, woman goes into the tattoo parlour and asks if he does custom work. "Sure do ma am, you name it I do it" he says. "Well, I want a tattoo of Paul Newman inside my left thigh and Steve McQueen inside my right thigh". "No problem at all Lady, you just strip from the waist down and hop up on that there table".

Four hours later the tattoo artist declares he's finished. The woman sits up looks down and shouts "I don't think that looks like them at all!" The tattooist says "Of course it looks like them, you wait and see!"

He goes to the door opens it, looks up and down the street and calls out to someone. The fella who happens to be the town drunk shuffles in. "Now, looky here fella, do you recognise these faces?" the tattooist says.

The woman opens her legs and the drunk peers in. "Well, I don't know the ones on the left and right but the fella in the middle sure does look like Willie Nelson"...

 

[Maggot]

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equaliser.

The professor then said "Okay, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Wow, Im stealing this for Fakebook

 

[Cornholeo]

 

[Decoy]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 

[cb1000h]

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big,6'2" and strong as a longhornand fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finnally became of age he applied to where he only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherrifs Dept.
After a big mess of tests and interviews the chief deputy finally called him into his office for the young mans last interview. The chief deputy says: "Your a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. but we have what we call an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accecpted. We dont let just anyone carry our badge son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the chief says:"take this pistol and go out and shoot:Six illegal aliens, Six Lawyers, Six meth dealers,Six muslim extremists, Six politicians, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
The chief deputy "Great attitude! You pass. When can you start?"

 

[DarnYankeeUSMC]

While driving home today I was almost run off the road by a young girl texting and driving. It pissed me off so much that I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

 

[jrassy]

Two Irish Women in a Bar
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you gaduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self !'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, Leeanne and her twin are drunk again.'

 

[Barneybdb]

MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not".

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'!"

MARRIAGE (PART III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says "I was in bed". "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back "Any time you're ready, Father of Four".

MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper 'Please wake me at 5am'. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said 'It is 5:00am. Wake up'.

MARRIAGE (PART VI)
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common". The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick..."

MARRIAGE (PART VIII)
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening".

MARRIAGE (PART IX)
Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband... "I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect - I definitely don't want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up... I definitely want to have sex".

MARRIAGE (PART X)
Husband says... "Okay but I have my rules about sex also... every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don't want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer - I don't give a fuck about your hair!

MARRIAGE (PART XI)
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

MARRIAGE (PART XII)
"Well" Ole replied to the assembled husbands "I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary". Ole proudly replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her!"

MARRIAGE (PART XIII)
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well" he replied "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions". "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?""Oh yes" he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

MARRIAGE (PART XIV)
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: "I would want a wife like the moon". Teacher: "Wow!! What a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny: "No, I want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning!"

 

[Barneybdb]

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed, still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand "Air New Zealand".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ. "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

 

[Barneybdb]

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, Sally "I have some really great news!" I said "Great. Tell me why you're so happy".

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said "There's more". I asked "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins". Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to the chemist and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

 

[SakoL61R]

Mil Satire at it's best!
IED Emplacement Postponed For Another Goddamned Safety Brief

among others

 

[Barneybdb]

The Oscars

His lawyer’s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he’s a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine’s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine’s Day card: “Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.”

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes to……………………Jail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints!

She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released… Bam! President of South Africa. That’s how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn’t the first man to wake up legless during Valentine’s night, then shoot all over his partner whilst imagining she’s somebody else?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes ” Just Don’t Do It.”

Hollywood are doing his life story; it’s now going to be called Blade Gunner.

If found guilty he’s gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

 

[Kinsman]

Whaddaya call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?

A cancelled Czech...........

 

[Barneybdb]

Spare a thought for the bloke who told his wife that he was going to China on the ill-fated Malaysian flight MH 370 and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat!!

 

[Barneybdb]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam "Is this a union house?" "No" she replied "I'm sorry it isn't". "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules".

The man asked "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20". "That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her" he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir" said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

 

[diverdon]

Troops Issued New Karzai-Approved Rifle Combat Sights, Engraved ROE

Karzi's new reticle.

 

[hermosabeach]

With all of the recent tragedy in the world, can you take a moment and have a kind thought for the
guy who told his wife that he was going to China on the ill-fated Malaysian flight MH 370

and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment!!

 

[Martin Taylor]

Mr. and Mrs Smith go into the doctor for her annual physical and they run a urinalysis, a couple weeks later they go back for the results and the doctor pulls the husband aside,

"I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there appears to have been a slight mix-up and there was another Mrs. Smith here on the same day as your wife and the samples may have been switched. One of them tested positive for HIV and the other for Alzheimer's."

Mr. Smith asks, "Well, can't you just run the tests again?

The Dr. Replies, "The tests are very expensive and your HMO will only pay for them once a year, instead they suggest that you take your wife out into the woods and leave her. If she finds her way home don't have sex with her."




A gynecologist goes through mid-life crisis and decides he wants to be a mechanic. So he sells his practice and goes to tech school. The final exam is to diagnose a variety of problems and rebuild an engine. Afterwards the instructor calls him in to his office. Confused he asks, "Did I fail?" The instructor replies, "No, you passed, I simply wanted to say that in my 15 years here I have never seen anyone rebuild an entire engine through the tailpipe with the hood down."

 

[Kinsman]

Santa comes but once a year.
You can come more often,
But in either case,
You have to clean up the mess...

 

[Barneybdb]

A woman comes home and tells her husband "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone". "No more headaches?" the husband asks "What happened?"

His wife replies "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not Have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'... and it worked! The headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies "Well, that is wonderful". His wife then says "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says "Don't move, I'll be right back".

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says "Don't move, I'll be right back!" With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom she sees him standing at the mirror saying "She's not my wife... she's not my wife... she's not my wife"...

 

[Barneybdb]

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy "I. w.a.s. a.l.m.o.s.t. m.a.r.r.i.e.d".

The first guy says in amazement "Hey, you don't stutter any more".

The answer comes "Y.e.s, I w.e.n.t t.o a d.o.c.t.o.r. a.n.d. h.e. t.o.l.d. m.e. t.h.a.t. i.f. I. s.p.e.a.k. s.l.o.w.l.y. I w.i.l.l. n.o.t. s.t.u.t.t.e.r".

The first friend congratulates him and asks again about how he was almost married.

"W.e.l.l, m.y. f.i.a.n.c.e.e. a.n.d. I. w.e.r.e. s.i.t.t.i.n.g. o.n. h.e.r. p.o.r.c.h. a .n.d. t.h.e. d.o.g. w.a.s. s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g. h.i.s. b.a.c.k. a.n.d. I. t.o.l.d. h.e.r. t.h.a.t. w.h.e.n. w.e. a.r.e. m.a.r.r.I.e.d, s.h.e. c.o.u.l.d. d.o. t.h.a.t. f.o.r. m.e. a.n.d. s.h.e. t.h.r.e.w. t.h.e. r.i.n.g. i.n. m.y. f.a.c.e".

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W.e.l.l, I. s.p.e.a.k. s.o. s.l.o.w.l.y, t.h.a.t. b.y. t.h.e. t.i.m.e. s.h.e. l.o.o.k.e.d. a.t. t.h.e. d.o.g, h.e. w.a.s. l.i.c.k.i.n.g. h.i.s. n.u.t.s"...

 

[Barneybdb]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue".

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue" said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here".

"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".

 

[Barneybdb]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. I am past sixty-five.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't" I said.

He asked "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No" I said... he looked at me and said "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

 

[KUSA]

 

[Geronimo]

How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?...................no idea, I was to busy jerking off.

 

[Barneybdb]

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore?" she sobbed. "Why!?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says crabs are too common" she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways".

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her fathers' side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke...

"Fuck, I'm drunk"...

 

[Barneybdb]

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitten table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

 

[Barneybdb]

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen".

"What's your name?".

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

[Barneybdb]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will".

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans,
Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".

 

[dohnuts58]

How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?...................no idea, I was to busy jerking off.

How do you fit 2 dead babies into a bowl?

Blender

How do you get them out?

Fritos