Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

[Maggot]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Phil Mickelson drives his Mercedes
into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf,
greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who
the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Phil nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Phil.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Phil.

"Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".

 

[Barneybdb]

*Why did the British wear red coats in battle?*

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat." Many people have asked, "why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

 

[BALLISTIC]

 

[Barneybdb]

Bought a new phone yesterday, made in Malaysia, put it in flight mode and now I can't find the fucking thing.

 

[Decoy]

An old guy comes strolling down the hallway of the retirement home looking all sad when the nurse saw him and ask why he was so down.

He replied "My penis died last night"

Not wanting to have that conversation she said that she was sorry to hear that and made a quick escape.

The next morning she runs into him again but this time he has his penis hanging out of his shorts.

She stopped him and said "I thought you told me that your penis had died yesterday."

He replied "It did, today is the viewing"!

 

[Kinsman]

An old friend stopped by yesterday. After a long conversation during which he expounded on about any topic you imagine, I told him that he still had the title of a "Sexual Intellectual" above all else. He seemed quite happy about that until I explained that a "Sexual Intellectual" is just a f'ckin know it all!!!

 

[Barneybdb]

For all of the ladies out there......
Sick and tired of men looking at your chest, rather than your face?


Eat a banana.

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Cheers,

Sirhr

 

[KUSA]

A guy walks into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "A whole lot, as a matter of fact.-- The Muslim one blows itself up!"

 

[Barneybdb]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a Colonoscopy in Seattle, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection" I replied. "No, but I do" replied the nurse.
--

 

[Barneybdb]

THANKS - SOUNDS LIKE GREAT ADVICE...

DO NOT waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS when fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.

MEN when listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire, then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

BLIND PEOPLE give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

RAPPERS avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

ALCOHOL makes a perfect substitute for happiness.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves do not be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.

ALCOHOLICS do not worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

SCI-FI FANS create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

DO NOT waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view

THICKEN runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS WIVES keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

OLD TELEPHONE DIRECTORIES make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you do not know.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make perfect miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

SHOPPERS when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

MANCHESTER UNITED FANS save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.

WEIGHT WATCHERS Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

QUIT SMOKING by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

HOUSEWIVES when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

MAKE BATH TIMES as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

GIRLS too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

MINOR SKIN GRAFTS can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

SAVE MONEY on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. IE. Mr. KVL 741Y.

HIJACKERS avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

EMPTY CIGAR TUBES filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

OLYMPIC ATHLETES disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

KALE FANS save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the toilet.

AVOID ARGUMENTS with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

 

[Barneybdb]

Did not think that I liked golf till I read this....

18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

-You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

-If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

-The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

-If your partner takes pictures or videos you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

-Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with. It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

-When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

-If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

-Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

-When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

-You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy golf stuff.

-You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

-There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

-If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

-Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

-Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

-You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

-Your golf partner will never say "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

 

[Barneybdb]

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Marietta, OH, for $200.

They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side".

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet" they said. "How did you know we got the cow in OHIO?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye "My wife is from Ohio..."

 

[Barneybdb]

Two men were lost in the Sahara desert. They had been walking for days and were both very hungry and thirsty. Suddenly they saw a tent, and exhausted they stumbled towards it. Outside the tent there was an old, hideous woman. She looked like a witch. She had no teeth, her face was wrinkled, with a big wart on the cheek, and she smelled like she hadn't washed for years.

"Please give us something to eat and drink!" said the two men "We are starving!"

"Yes, I can give you both food and drink", the old woman replied with a hoarse voice. "But then you have to give me something in return". "Anything!" the two men answered desperately. "You see, I live here all alone. And I haven't seen a man for many years now. It gets really lonely. So I would like you to fuck me and then I will give you food".

The two men looked at each other with horror. Never! They would not sink so low.

"Fine, suit yourselves". And the old woman returned to her tent. As she opened the tent flap, the two men could smell the wonderful food she had in her tent.

"Wait a minute!" One of the men said. "I want to see what food and drink you have. I want to see it is worth it".

The old woman took him to the opening, and in the tent he saw a big table, filled with roasted steak, potatoes, gravy, various fruits and vegetables, delicious pies and many more courses. To drink there was water, wine and cold beer. He hesitated, but the hunger got the better of him, so he entered the tent.

As the woman got on her bed, and pulled up her skirt, he looked at her vagina with disgust. If the woman was squalid and smelly, her vagina was even worse. She was full with warts down there, and she smelled like rotten fish. And from the vagina, a yellowish stinking phlegm was dripping.

"I can't!" the man said and turned away. As he walked past the table he saw a plate with corncobs, and he stopped. "Okay, I'll do it. But you have to pull your skirt over your head, 'cause you are so ugly, I can't stand it".

The old woman agreed, and pulled her skirt over her head. The man grabbed one of the cobs and started pumping, slowly at first, but then faster. There was a musty smell coming from the vagina, but the man concentrated on all the delicious food, and kept on pumping. When the old woman shook with orgasm, he quickly removed the corn-cob, now dripping with yellow phlegm, and tossed it out of the tent.

"Thank you" said the old woman. "Now you can eat and drink all you want". And that he did.

After an hour of gorging, he happily stepped out of the tent. "That was so good", he told the other man, who was waiting in the shadow. "You should do it too - the food makes it worth it". But the other man declined. "I don't have to. I'm not hungry anymore. An hour ago I found a hot, steaming corn-cob, covered with melting butter".

 

[Barneybdb]

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.

The Doctor said "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".

David replied "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry".

 

[Barneybdb]

"You'll be fine" the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery. "But" she asked "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed".
--
19 Pakistanis died in London this morning. It was not a terrorist attack - a bunk bed collapsed. Police are attributing the blame to Al' IKEA.
--
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore?" "Nonsense, darling" replied the husband "you just cook better now".
--
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
--
Took the wife to the doctor this morning to sort out her Tourette's. Turns out she doesn't have it... I AM a cunt she does want me to fuck off.

 

[Barneybdb]

Lowlight?

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex". After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'". Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Wrong... just wrong. Then again...

Cheers,

Sirhr

 

[Kinsman]

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in hishead that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with oneof his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back toreality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

 

[FourFans]

A "classic", for the six or so guys here who might not have heard it:

So, this guy walks nervously into his local adult book store; " I ah,, I ahh, I'd like one of those blow-up sex dolls".
The skinny, punkish, wearing half his tacklebox on his face kinda, cashier replies, "well you're in luck, we got every kind you can imagine and a few you don't want to."
" ah, I just want a doll"
"okay,, male or female?"
"well,, female, of course, duh"
"hey,hey, hey now,, don't judge,,, kinder, gentler, all that horsesh*t, okay then..... black or white"?
" hmmm,, white"
"okay,, blonde or brunette?"
"hmmmmmm,,, brunette"
"ah, very nice,, muslim or Christian?"
" wait,, what?"
"muslim or Christian?"
"what's the difference?"
"well,, duh, the muslim one BLOWS ITSELF UP !!!!" (rim-shot here)

 

[tt123]

I was really shocked to hear that Boko Haram had kidnapped all those girls in Nigeria. Things must really have gone badly for them since 'Whiter Shade of Pale'......

 

[JBD56]

Trower left the band....

 

[Kinsman]

Permanent Secretary:

The one who is screwed on the desk...

 

[Kinsman]

The nurse told Bob that she wouldn't laugh, being a professional. So Bob dropped his pants, and the nurse saw that his penis was about the size of a triple A battery. She giggled then apologized profusely. When she had regained her composure, she asked what the problem with it.

Bob said "It's swollen"
The nurse left the room....

 

[Barneybdb]

A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE".

Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds".

Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. The farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result.

The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.

After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt.

"What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said" said the man "But your wife was too busy". "Busy doing what?" "Well, don't quote me on this" he warned "But I think she was weighing the milkman".

 

[canezach]

 

[hermosabeach]

A little boy hears the word 'whorehouse' in school and asks his father what it means.

His father is quite shocked, and replies "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time".
The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's to" 'have a good time', not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the Madame that he wants to have a good time.


She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.

"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"



"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last one!"

 

[Foul Mike]

Two young boys about 10-YO were playing in a vacant lot in the snow and watching all of the traffic in and out of the door at LUlu's House of Pleasure or
Pain. Sam and Max wondered why so many men went in and out of there and always had a smile on their face when they left.
"Sam, what goes on over there?
I Don't know said Max, but when my brother has $100 saved he goes there and he is always happy.
Well, how much have you got, let's go get happy too?
I have 47cents, how about you? I've got a dollar so let's go get some of this that makes everybody happy."
They knocked on the door like fine gentlemen and when Lulu came to the door they told her that they had $1.47 and wanted that much fun.
She started to slam the door in their faces then took them in and opened up her Shankster bathrobe, and jerked down the hoods of their parka.
One at a time she grabbed each by the ears and rubbed their faces in her Growler. She then threw them off of the porch into the snow.
Flustered to say the least, Sam looked at Max and said,"Who in the Hell can take a $100 dollars worth of that shit?"
Max had no reply as he was puking his guts out.

 

[DavidK]

I was really shocked to hear that Boko Haram had kidnapped all those girls in Nigeria. Things must really have gone badly for them since 'Whiter Shade of Pale'......

I lol'ed on that one, thanks

 

[BALLISTIC]

 

[No1]

Why did the condom fly across the room?
.
.
.
.
.
It got pissed off.

 

[Kinsman]

I saw a menopause one time. A bass ate it.

 

[Kinsman]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently” she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - “Is that one word or two?”

 

[Maggot]

News Distribution Network, Inc.

 

[diverdon]

Mommy's Balloons

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your Mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[diverdon]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss..

The Moral of the story?
The ASSHOLE is usually in charge!

 

[diverdon]

Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick.. His wife Marsha had long ago given up
trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with
another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that
John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their
11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was
over two hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you
over two hours late getting home?', they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra
credit project," said Tommy. The Robot then walked
around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

" The Ten Commandments ," answered Tommy. The Robot went
around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, " am
sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age,
I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around
to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy,
did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad at
Tommy. After all, he's your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped
her right across the room.

 

[diverdon]

Touching and heartfelt Men Stories�
>
>
>
> 1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
> crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No,
> just taking a shit".
>
>
>
> 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then
> I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and
> asked him to forgive me.
>
>
>
> 3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
> "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said,
> "You did this to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would
> care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said,
> "It'll be too painful."
>
>
>
> 4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
> checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why,
> she said, "Because I am trying to examine you."
>
>
>
> 5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor,
> Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
> I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
>
>
>
> 6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up
> at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies". So I turned
> her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her
> back over and came all over her face and hair. She cried. I guess we
> don't watch the same movies.

 

[diverdon]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist
as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a
very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but
this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used
to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy obeys and says, '99!'

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, '99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
and your testicles, to keep them out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'

The guy begins, 'One ...Two ....Three'...

 

[diverdon]

SNOW IN JAMAICA


Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you," the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.

The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica."

 

[diverdon]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

 

[diverdon]

Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child. Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?" Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"

 

[diverdon]

Two middle east mothers where eating a breakfast of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts
flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me ..." Says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18, she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school.
He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...

"they blow up so fast don't they?"

 

[diverdon]

A man has terrible migraine headaches.....they are so bad he can't eat, sleep, think or relax. He goes to doctor after doctor and no one can find him a cure. He finally goes to a doctor that advises him to see his buddy, a veterinarian. The man thinks this is ridiculous idea and goes home again to terrible migraine headaches. He can't eat, sleep, think or relax. This goes on for days and months.......finally the man relents and sees the veterinarian.
The man tells the vet...."doc I get such terrible headaches I can't eat, sleep, think or relax....you are my last long shot". The vet says "well I am not sure what causes it...but I have seen this restless behavior before in male animals. After we castrate them they are cured". The man exclaims "you are crazy! I will never do that!"
He goes home and again he has migraines so bad he can't eat, sleep, think or relax. Months go by and finally he decides to get castrated! He goes to the doctor and gets it done and immediately the migraines are gone! He can't believe it. He decides to celebrate by buying himself a new suit...he feels so good he thinks he deserves it!
He walks into the tailors shop and without saying a word the tailor says "you are looking for a new suit...let me help you". The man asks "how did you know that?". Tailor replies "thats my job, its my business....its what I do for a living". "You are a size 44 long".
"Yes" says the man. "how did you know that?" The tailor replies "its my job, my business....its what I do for a living".
"Let's see...shirt....you are a 16" neck"....."yes" the man replied! "how did you know". "well its my job, my business...its what I do for a living" again the tailor states.
They go through this same routine for everything until they get to underwear. The tailor says "you need new underwear....size 34 waist".

"No!" said the man....."I wear 30 waist underwear".

"30?" said the tailor......"thats crazy....you are a size 34.....30 will ride up on your nuts and give you migraine headaches!"

 

[diverdon]

Bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'



He answers, "Madam . . you farted just by looking at it , you're going to shit in your panties when I tell you the price ."

 

[diverdon]

A woman who had lost her husband 6 months earlier was sitting on a beach on the east coast when a guy around her age came along, set down his towel near to her on the sand and started reading his book.
Thinking she might like to start a conversation, she asked him if he liked reading.
He grunted a Yes in reply and continued reading.
She asked whether he lived nearby and he muttered another Yes and kept reading.

Desperately looking for a topic that might interest him, she tried again: “Do you like pussy cats?”.

The man put down his book, jumped across onto her towel, ripped off her swimsuit and made mad passionate love to her.
When the sand and dust had settled a little she got her breath back and said “How did you know that’s what I wanted?”

The man said “How did you know my name was Katz?”

 

[diverdon]

Mike worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Mike indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Mike came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Mike?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my organ into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Mike, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Mike, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Mike. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

 

[diverdon]

Sammy decided to go skiing with his buddy, Han's. They loaded up Sammy's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Sammy said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light" The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Sammy got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Han's and asked, "Han's, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do", replied Han's. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Han's said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Sammy asked. Han's's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

 

[diverdon]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, "Whatcha ya doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha ya gonna do, screw him?"

 

[diverdon]

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway