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Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor
- Thread starter Duc
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Cheers,
Sirhr
The sad part is that I can't even bring myself to post the really good ones... oh well. Even unacceptable humor ends up unacceptable for a reason...
Cheers,
Sirhr
The sad part is that I can't even bring myself to post the really good ones... oh well. Even unacceptable humor ends up unacceptable for a reason...
You have to look beyond just yourself here. ..you have a responsibility to the legions of social misfits here. ..now suck it up Buttercup....Share the good stuff
Sirhr
The sad part is that I can't even bring myself to post the really good ones... oh well. Even unacceptable humor ends up unacceptable for a reason...
You have to look beyond just yourself here. ..you have a responsibility to the legions of social misfits here. ..now suck it up Buttercup....Share the good stuff
This ass hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
**********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs."Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
**********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs."Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
When you are over fifty who gives a shit?
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swinger's party last night. I was fucking some absolute slag from behind when I looked up and realised that the guy at the other end of the spit-roast, getting a blowjob, was my dad. I said "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum". He said "I'm not..."
--
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away. The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose. The physicist, realising that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming "We got him! We got him!"
--
Just read in the local paper that the thief who's been stealing tee shirts in order of size is still at large.
--
Three couples decided to get out and go camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Alan woke up and yelled out "Oh wow, this is unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked "What's going on, why all the yelling?" Alan said "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife right now". "Yeah... how come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had in my life!" After a considered pause, Bill said "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding".
--
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away. The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose. The physicist, realising that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming "We got him! We got him!"
--
Just read in the local paper that the thief who's been stealing tee shirts in order of size is still at large.
--
Three couples decided to get out and go camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Alan woke up and yelled out "Oh wow, this is unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked "What's going on, why all the yelling?" Alan said "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife right now". "Yeah... how come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had in my life!" After a considered pause, Bill said "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding".
Superbowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
So my wife says to me
Ain't that a pretty girl...
I said yeah, I'd eat her out with you beating me across the ass with a 2x4 and yur lawyer taking pictures.
I should get out of the hospital in a few days.
Ain't that a pretty girl...
I said yeah, I'd eat her out with you beating me across the ass with a 2x4 and yur lawyer taking pictures.
I should get out of the hospital in a few days.
New way of scoring chicks
a 0 you would not screw with your friends dick
a 1 U would eat before u screwed her
a 2 U would eat after U screwed her
a 3 U would eat after Ur friend screwed her
a 4 U would eat Ur friend after he screwed her
I've never seen better than a 2
a 0 you would not screw with your friends dick
a 1 U would eat before u screwed her
a 2 U would eat after U screwed her
a 3 U would eat after Ur friend screwed her
a 4 U would eat Ur friend after he screwed her
I've never seen better than a 2
A little boy came out of the bathroom and told his mom his stomach hurt and he had the runs.
He said "mom I think I need some Viagra"
His mom was taken back and said "honey what in the world would make you say something like"
Well Daddy says that's what he takes when he needs to get his shit hard!
He said "mom I think I need some Viagra"
His mom was taken back and said "honey what in the world would make you say something like"
Well Daddy says that's what he takes when he needs to get his shit hard!
Ok Here is my contribution...
Why don't orphans play Baseball? They cant find home!
Why are orphans always playing tennis? Its the only way they can get love..
You know your girlfriend is a little young,when you have to make airplane sounds for her to stick it in her mouth....
Whats funnier then a Dead baby? A Dead baby dressed like a clown....
Why don't orphans play Baseball? They cant find home!
Why are orphans always playing tennis? Its the only way they can get love..
You know your girlfriend is a little young,when you have to make airplane sounds for her to stick it in her mouth....
Whats funnier then a Dead baby? A Dead baby dressed like a clown....
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong!
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! .......I panicked....... I didn't know what to do!
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! .......I panicked....... I didn't know what to do!
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Tried Facebook Lookback Video today and my movie came back as a trailer for a gay midget porn anthology. Guess I have to start paying more attention to what I post on Facebook. Sorry gay midget Gordon Ramsey and little gimp dude.
Cheers,
Sirhr
Cheers,
Sirhr
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Jewish Sex.............
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. T hey hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you Schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. T hey hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you Schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the fish in the ocean!'
She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the fish in the ocean!'
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in
Minnesota and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in
Minnesota and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!
Three reporters and a U.S. Marine were being held prisoner in a terrorist camp. The terrorist leader asked them what their last wishes were before they are executed.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me' one last time." The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
Gibson was satisfied.
Brian ******** said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
******** dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?', asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the
rest of the terrorists killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and ********, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor...? __________________
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me' one last time." The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
Gibson was satisfied.
Brian ******** said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
******** dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?', asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the
rest of the terrorists killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and ********, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor...? __________________
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night ... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night ... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Texas job interview,
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.
The candidate asks;Why the rabbit?
Great attitude, says the Sergeant. When can you start?
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.
The candidate asks;Why the rabbit?
Great attitude, says the Sergeant. When can you start?
[FONT=&]SLEEPING WITH BOB [/FONT]
[FONT=&]The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? [/FONT]
[FONT=&]He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&]He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.[/FONT][FONT=&]Bob sat up and watched me all night."[/FONT]
[FONT=&]With age comes wisdom.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? [/FONT]
[FONT=&]He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.[/FONT]
[FONT=&]They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&]He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.[/FONT][FONT=&]Bob sat up and watched me all night."[/FONT]
[FONT=&]With age comes wisdom.[/FONT]
A little old man
A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space. As the moment came closer NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff".
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff".
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut shouted "I know, I know. Feed the fucking monkeys and don't touch anything!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff".
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later NASA's mission control centre announced "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut shouted "I know, I know. Feed the fucking monkeys and don't touch anything!"
Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris,
a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child
decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson asking "And you, Tanya?"
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch".
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris,
a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child
decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson asking "And you, Tanya?"
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch".
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Why is it that a woman can guide a 1.5 inch diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch black darkness without looking and but cannot park a 6 foot car in a 7 foot parking spot in broad daylight?
A man with a 50-inch-long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my member is too long he says. Doctor he asked, in total frustration is there any way you can shorten it? The doctor replied Medically, son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you. So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it? The witch asked him to Pull it out and let me look at it.
The man uncoils his 50 inch monster. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your member will be ten inches shorter.
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog Will you marry me? The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied NO.
The man looked down and suddenly his unit was 10 inches shorter. WOW he screamed out loud This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. Frog, will you marry me? the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back NO! The man felt another twitch in his privates, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter.
This is fantastic! the man exclaimed. He looked down at it again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out Frog will you marry me? The frog looked back across pond shaking its head NO! ... NO! ... and for the last time... NO!
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it? The witch asked him to Pull it out and let me look at it.
The man uncoils his 50 inch monster. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your member will be ten inches shorter.
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog Will you marry me? The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied NO.
The man looked down and suddenly his unit was 10 inches shorter. WOW he screamed out loud This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. Frog, will you marry me? the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back NO! The man felt another twitch in his privates, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter.
This is fantastic! the man exclaimed. He looked down at it again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out Frog will you marry me? The frog looked back across pond shaking its head NO! ... NO! ... and for the last time... NO!
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the para-troopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
So, did you jump? the father asked. Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!
Is that when you jumped? asked the father. Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.
Did you jump then? asked the father. I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.
So, did you jump? Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?
I said No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass!
So, did you jump? asked the father. Well... a little... at first.
So, did you jump? the father asked. Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!
Is that when you jumped? asked the father. Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.
Did you jump then? asked the father. I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.
So, did you jump? Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?
I said No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass!
So, did you jump? asked the father. Well... a little... at first.
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer
Answers in relief. "I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."
And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers."I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states."When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out E100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer,
"I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer
Answers in relief. "I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."
And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers."I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states."When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out E100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
"Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer,
"I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said Give me your number, sexy!!
I replied Have you got a pen?
She smiled and said Yes.
I replied Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing.
I replied Have you got a pen?
She smiled and said Yes.
I replied Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing.
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together".
"Absolutely not" says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately". "So after the Ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No" Answered the Mullah "It's forbidden in Islam".
"Well, okay" says the man "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of Course!" replies the Mullah "sex is okay within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem" says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure" says The Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy Style?" "Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?" "No" says The Mullah". "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!"
"Absolutely not" says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately". "So after the Ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No" Answered the Mullah "It's forbidden in Islam".
"Well, okay" says the man "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of Course!" replies the Mullah "sex is okay within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem" says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure" says The Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy Style?" "Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?" "No" says The Mullah". "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!"
Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost
had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got
undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost
had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got
undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love
to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love
to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A
few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it
was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A
few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it
was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
