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Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor
- Thread starter Duc
- Start date
Dedicated to all the unsung health professionals out there ... well, at least one.
I'm reclining next to comnavhousepac and began holding back laughter and she must have seen my feet bouncing outta the corner of her good eye. She turned with a concerned look on her face, if that's what she looks like when she's concerned, and says "are you alright"?
Ya, I'm fine.What's the matter with you?
Okay, the "ab" has stopped jiggling. Carry on.
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Sirhr and MtnCreek are probably the only ones that will get this one.
There were 3 who got little annie.
And got Jackie yesterday too... Ms pink stain.
Try harder DD. ?
I don't care who ya are... that $#!+ right there is funny as hell!!!
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.
Met a girl dressed as an egg.
A question as old as time was answered.
The chicken.
--
Met a girl dressed as an egg.
A question as old as time was answered.
The chicken.
--
If you shopped it with Moochelle, you'd really be on to something.
Calling Veer, aisle 4.......
Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.
Her boss is annoyed and asks "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you".
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so".
Wife: "Oh".
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you". Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did".
Wife: "Oh".
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you".
The wife is obviously upset: "DID MY HUSBAND SAY THAT?"
Maria: "No, Señora, the gardener did".m
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Her boss is annoyed and asks "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you".
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so".
Wife: "Oh".
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you". Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did".
Wife: "Oh".
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you".
The wife is obviously upset: "DID MY HUSBAND SAY THAT?"
Maria: "No, Señora, the gardener did".m
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
No.....there's a lot more of us old fuks around than you might think.....The Jackie K/O one had me stumped for about 2 minutes, but I'm glad to report I did see it through and figured it out eventually....
(You are sick......did I already mention that ? I think I did......)
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says
"Okay, this is a robbery- hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
"Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says
"Okay, this is a robbery- hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
My reply ?
"Go ahead and jump. I'll be stepping on your neck just about the time you can't hold on any longer and finally have to let go"..........
You were in the same building with him and you’re freely admitting to all of this ?.........I'm reclining next to comnavhousepac and began holding back laughter and she must have seen my feet bouncing outta the corner of her good eye. She turned with a concerned look on her face, if that's what she looks like when she's concerned, and says "are you alright"?
What's the matter with you?
Okay, the "ab" has stopped jiggling. Carry on.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the dishevelled guy turned
to the priest and asked "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the dishevelled guy turned
to the priest and asked "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
Barneybdb - This is the real reason we don't have issues with Kangaroos in the USA..............
Little known fact. There were a shit load of them here when the Indians came but they were the staple food source of the cavemen. The Indians slaughtered them by the thousands to drive the cavemen to extinction.
Little known fact. There were a shit load of them here when the Indians came but they were the staple food source of the cavemen. The Indians slaughtered them by the thousands to drive the cavemen to extinction.
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Q: Do you know what a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?
A: The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.
Q: Do you why a woman is smiling as she walks down the isle on her wedding day?
A: Because she knows she has given her last blowjob.
Q: Do you know why a woman has sex with her eyes closed?
A: Because she can’t stand to see a man having a good time.
“You just shouldn’t trust any living creature that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die. “
A: The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.
Q: Do you why a woman is smiling as she walks down the isle on her wedding day?
A: Because she knows she has given her last blowjob.
Q: Do you know why a woman has sex with her eyes closed?
A: Because she can’t stand to see a man having a good time.
“You just shouldn’t trust any living creature that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die. “
What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot you fucking racist.
A pilot you fucking racist.
A Canadian walks into a gay bar in Miami and orders a white wine.
All the gays sitting around the bar look up from their
drinks, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender smiles and yells, "It's okay fellas. He's one of us."
All the gays sitting around the bar look up from their
drinks, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender smiles and yells, "It's okay fellas. He's one of us."
'Potentially' and 'Realistically'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is
the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mum if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back home and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use
that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him,
'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied,
'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is
the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mum if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back home and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use
that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him,
'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied,
'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'
It isn't humor.
It's propaganda, hideous, hateful propaganda.
I may not share your beliefs but I'll defend your right to hold them, nonetheless.
Because that's what this country is supposed to be about.
Just let the enormity of this sink in.
It's propaganda, hideous, hateful propaganda.
I may not share your beliefs but I'll defend your right to hold them, nonetheless.
Because that's what this country is supposed to be about.
Just let the enormity of this sink in.
Woman In A Hot Air Balloon
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my faul
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