Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor
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that's nothing. What's really bad...well more of just an annoyance. When you're fucking your wife's/girlfriends sister and her kid starts playing with your balls.
Or, your fucking your girl and your dog starts licking your asshole.
Or, your fucking your girl and your dog starts licking your asshole.
Why did the black guy shit in his wallet? He needed ID.
How long does it take a black woman to take a shit? 9 months.
Why do you only need 2 paul bearers at a Mexican funeral? There's only 2 handles on a trash can.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She doesn't have any arms.
In honour of the great George Carlin:
Why do people who fuck sheep do so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep push back.
How long does it take a black woman to take a shit? 9 months.
Why do you only need 2 paul bearers at a Mexican funeral? There's only 2 handles on a trash can.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She doesn't have any arms.
In honour of the great George Carlin:
Why do people who fuck sheep do so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep push back.
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One day a little girl comes home from playing at the park.
Her father asks, "Did you have fun with your friends?"
"Yes... until the man came along." She replies.
"What man?" The father asks.
"A man came and asked my friends to leave so it was just me and him."
"Honey, whatever happened, it's not your fault ok? Tell Dad exactly what happened."
"The man said we had to play a game behind the tree so no one could see us."
"Oh God, what happened next?"
"He took my dress off."
"Oh God, then what happened?"
"He pulled down his pants."
"Oh God darling, what happened next?"
"Nothing that was it."
"Well make something up!" *fapfapfapfapfap
I know there's something wrong with me, but if you laughed your not allowed to judge.
Her father asks, "Did you have fun with your friends?"
"Yes... until the man came along." She replies.
"What man?" The father asks.
"A man came and asked my friends to leave so it was just me and him."
"Honey, whatever happened, it's not your fault ok? Tell Dad exactly what happened."
"The man said we had to play a game behind the tree so no one could see us."
"Oh God, what happened next?"
"He took my dress off."
"Oh God, then what happened?"
"He pulled down his pants."
"Oh God darling, what happened next?"
"Nothing that was it."
"Well make something up!" *fapfapfapfapfap
I know there's something wrong with me, but if you laughed your not allowed to judge.
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A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
I am going to a place religion calls hell for posting this (but as a non-believer I'll simply rot 6 feet under after serving my time)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XpojLYBNyc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XpojLYBNyc
Surgeon... I'll be there with you digging ditches... Awesomeness... pure awesomeness.
Cheers,
Sirhr
^^^^ It's in the correct thread^^^^ and it's funny , unless you're related to one of the seven on board.
So there was a man in West Virginia, who came to work Monday morning with a black eye. His co-workers asked him what happened to him over the weekend, and he replied,"Well, I was at church yesterday, and when the preacher told us all to stand to sing the hymn, we all stood. I couldn't help but notice that the lady in front of me, when she stood up, had the back of her dress stuck between her ass-cheeks. So, I reached up and gently grabbed the cloth of her dress and tugged it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the eye."
The next Monday, he came to work again, this time with the other eye blackened and his arm was in a cast. When the co-workers asked him what happened this time, he began the tale,"Well, I was at church yesterday, and when the preacher told us to stand and sing the hymn, we all stood. I couldn't help but notice that the same lady in front of me, when she stood up, had the back of her dress stuck between her ass-cheeks..."
"Don't tell me you pulled it out again!" his co-worker interrupted him.
"Oh, no, replied the man, my buddy reached forward and grasping the cloth tugged it out, but I knew she wouldn't want that, so I reached up there, and tucked it in again for her. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital."
The next Monday, he came to work again, this time with the other eye blackened and his arm was in a cast. When the co-workers asked him what happened this time, he began the tale,"Well, I was at church yesterday, and when the preacher told us to stand and sing the hymn, we all stood. I couldn't help but notice that the same lady in front of me, when she stood up, had the back of her dress stuck between her ass-cheeks..."
"Don't tell me you pulled it out again!" his co-worker interrupted him.
"Oh, no, replied the man, my buddy reached forward and grasping the cloth tugged it out, but I knew she wouldn't want that, so I reached up there, and tucked it in again for her. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital."
Yep, straight to hell. NO problem though I've got the beer concession there and give discounts to Hike members.
A guy goes into his favorite bar, the bar tender tells him about a new drink. the guy drinks it and loves it. next day guy goes into the bar, bartender says, "how ya feelin"? Guy replies " i was so fucked up I went home and blew chunks". Bartender "yup you were pretty lit". Guy "no I went home and blew chunks, chunks is my dog".
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
Woke up this morning saying to myself... "Where am I going and how did I get into this handbasket?"
Cheers,
Sirhr
In response to all the recent e-mails about my dog:
Please be advised, i am sick and tired of answering questions about
my dog!
Yes, he mauled six people wearing obama t-shirts,
four people wearing pelosi t-shirts,
two other democrats,
nine teenagers with pants hanging past their cracks,
three flag burners,
and a pakistani taxi driver.
For the last time...
The dog is not for sale !!!
No, i do not approve of his smoking,
but he says it helps get the "bad taste" out of his mouth!!
Please be advised, i am sick and tired of answering questions about
my dog!
Yes, he mauled six people wearing obama t-shirts,
four people wearing pelosi t-shirts,
two other democrats,
nine teenagers with pants hanging past their cracks,
three flag burners,
and a pakistani taxi driver.
For the last time...
The dog is not for sale !!!
No, i do not approve of his smoking,
but he says it helps get the "bad taste" out of his mouth!!
That's pretty intense. Except for the occasional times I see through all the crap I usually agree. When people try to smooth it over my quote is "I didn't ask for this."
True story, I'm sitting in my car at a red light when a car full of jackasses acting stupid pulls up in the other lane with the stereo thumping. All the sudden BAM!! A semi truck hits the car from behind killing everyone in it. I sat there for a moment dumbfounded, thinking that could have been me... that same week I went and took the test to get my CDL license.
As probably the only person who has had a post deleted from this thread...I consider it Game on. Is this the "socially unacceptable thread" or is it the "socially awkward thread where people try to tell dirty jokes when no one is looking"?
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:
'Muslim Weather'
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they f#%k my wife after only five beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f#%k out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense … when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a f@@king goat trying to whistle!"
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I f#%k a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
_______________________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, "F@ck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own f#%k bike, and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________
A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later, when I'm drunk."
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they f#%k my wife after only five beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f#%k out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense … when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a f@@king goat trying to whistle!"
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I f#%k a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
_______________________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, "F@ck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
____________________________________________________
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own f#%k bike, and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________
A Guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later, when I'm drunk."
Ballistic, While I greatly appreciate your posts, my guess is that your about to graduate from having posts removed to a nice vacation. See ya when ya get back and remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
I don't see why he should be punished for posting funny pictures. He did not insult anyone and we are far beyond political correctness in this thread.
Were you actually offended? If so why would you be looking in this thread anyway? Sounds kind of hypocritical.
Sent from my Galaxy S3 using Tapatalk 2.
You got it all wrong, bub. As Im between anti, and ir, religious, I loved his posts, but posts with religious nature usually end up getting the poster a vacation. And sure enough, they disappeared. Glad I copied and saved them to my email...it was good stuff.
Ballistic,
Thanks for the posts, I thought they were quite good...however, as is the case with most things that actually make people question deep seated beliefs, someone will be offended. If beliefs don't hold up to scrutiny, they aren't that sound to begin with.
Most people hate to truly re-evaluate their belief. If someone had something that made me question my beliefs about firearms ownership, I would be shaken...(however unlikely that is.)
Thanks for the posts, I thought they were quite good...however, as is the case with most things that actually make people question deep seated beliefs, someone will be offended. If beliefs don't hold up to scrutiny, they aren't that sound to begin with.
Most people hate to truly re-evaluate their belief. If someone had something that made me question my beliefs about firearms ownership, I would be shaken...(however unlikely that is.)
How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave?
I don't know I was to busy jerking off.
I will be driving the bus to hell
Semper Fi
I don't know I was to busy jerking off.
I will be driving the bus to hell
Semper Fi
Well said, Unknown. I tried to get a fellow to do that here awhile back and got little but scorn.
Ive got the cold beer concession when you get there.
I used to work a job where the horrible reality of what we dealt with in a daily basis, made inappropriate, gallows,and tasteless humor almost a requirement. If we were unable to laugh at the twisted humor, the reality of what we dealt with probably would have driven us insane. It actually was too much for at least three, may they R.I.P. (I am very serious about that)
I am just glad I made it out OK....well relatively speaking. Maybe that is why this twisted stuff doesn't offend me.
Being truly tasteless, and willing to give everyone an equal dose without regard to race, religion, nationality, or whatever actually takes some creativity and thinking. When you are equally willing to offend anyone regardless of anything, it makes claims of racism, anti-(insert your religion here), or anti-(insert political party here) quite difficult to prove.
When someone truly sets out against one group in specific, it can get ugly quickly..so we gotta be careful.
I am just glad I made it out OK....well relatively speaking. Maybe that is why this twisted stuff doesn't offend me.
Being truly tasteless, and willing to give everyone an equal dose without regard to race, religion, nationality, or whatever actually takes some creativity and thinking. When you are equally willing to offend anyone regardless of anything, it makes claims of racism, anti-(insert your religion here), or anti-(insert political party here) quite difficult to prove.
When someone truly sets out against one group in specific, it can get ugly quickly..so we gotta be careful.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
T'is St Patrick's day in fair Dublin. Liam O'Connor, for lack of anything constructive to do, decides to spend the day - like the 20-odd past ones - at his local pub. Drinking throughout the afternoon and until well past midnight, the bartender eagerly rings his old mariner's bell and calls the last round.
Disgruntled, Liam orders another drink and decides to head home. Upon trying to get up however, he finds himself at an impass with the amount of alcohol ingested during the day and, rather than finding his feet, he finds the floorboards - non-acrobatically. Unfazed, he grunts, shrugs off the pain and starts crawling towards the door.
Once outside, Liam opts for sitting outside, and catching a noseful of fresh air to clear his head. A short while passes before he tries to get up and stand, but still cannot manage to stand up straight, crashing back to the ground. At this stage, he really doesn't give a dime anymore and simply starts crawling to his house, two blocks away.
Wary of waking the old lady, however, he gives his head another hour of fresh air before trying one last time to get up just outside his front door. Crashing back to the floor once more, he shrugs again and reaches up, unlocks the door, crawls inside and up the stairs. Moderately surprised at his capacity of making it into the bedroom without waking the missus, he soon falls asleep.
The next morning, he wakes up to find his wife by his bedside, towering over him with an unambiguous glare in her eyes, flushed cheeks and slight tremble to her posture - obviously enraged.
"YE 'AVE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN, YE GOOD-FOR-NAUGHT GOAT!" she roars just as soon as Liam finds his bearings.
"I, uh, no, just a...." he trails of, realizing the futility of denial. "How'd ye know?"
"The pub just called - you forgot your wheelchair again!"
Disgruntled, Liam orders another drink and decides to head home. Upon trying to get up however, he finds himself at an impass with the amount of alcohol ingested during the day and, rather than finding his feet, he finds the floorboards - non-acrobatically. Unfazed, he grunts, shrugs off the pain and starts crawling towards the door.
Once outside, Liam opts for sitting outside, and catching a noseful of fresh air to clear his head. A short while passes before he tries to get up and stand, but still cannot manage to stand up straight, crashing back to the ground. At this stage, he really doesn't give a dime anymore and simply starts crawling to his house, two blocks away.
Wary of waking the old lady, however, he gives his head another hour of fresh air before trying one last time to get up just outside his front door. Crashing back to the floor once more, he shrugs again and reaches up, unlocks the door, crawls inside and up the stairs. Moderately surprised at his capacity of making it into the bedroom without waking the missus, he soon falls asleep.
The next morning, he wakes up to find his wife by his bedside, towering over him with an unambiguous glare in her eyes, flushed cheeks and slight tremble to her posture - obviously enraged.
"YE 'AVE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN, YE GOOD-FOR-NAUGHT GOAT!" she roars just as soon as Liam finds his bearings.
"I, uh, no, just a...." he trails of, realizing the futility of denial. "How'd ye know?"
"The pub just called - you forgot your wheelchair again!"
Before we go religious AND political and get this great thread nuked...
Let's get back to good old simple tasteless stuff.
Cheers,
Sirhr
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