Yes, there are real excuses that my old boss used to get out of work. Of course he was promoted.
Notice how these excuses evolve over the years from a day here and there to weeks at a time.
1. My knee hurts.
2. My Mom's knee hurts.
3. I have to take Mom to the doctors.
4. I have to pick up Mom's prescription.
5. The truck is late getting Mom's prescription to the drug store.
6. My boat has a flat tire.
7. My boat is stuck in the mud. (in January!)
8. I broke my finger 6 months ago but it'll be better tomorrow. It's all Kevin's fault!
9. My mother's sister's mother died.
10. I have to take Mom to the lawyers.
11. My mother's sister is dying in the hospital, but she'll be OK tomorrow.
12. I can't breath...cough, cough!
13. My transmission fell out on 295.
14. There's a lot more snow in the mountains of Berlin.
15. My basement is flooded because we get more rain in Berlin.
16. I got lost going for my CDL.
17. My mom is sick.
18. I overdosed on antihistamine. I'm a danger to myself and everybody else on the road!
19. I spilled solvent on myself and my skin is all bubbly.
20. I bumped my head on my boat and I'm going to the doctors. (Friday he bumped his head, Monday he goes to the doctor?)
21. My mother has an upset stomach.
22. Time: 4:00 PM Monday. “Larry, I'm stuck in the snow. I won't be in tomorrow. I can't believe that @#*&#!! bitch is opening us! The snow is 5 feet high in the complex. I can't get out of my door!”
23. I'm under too much stress.
24. I sat on my glasses and can't see driving in.
25. I have to go get new glasses, they fell in the river while rafting.
26. My engine fell out on Route 295 (see #13).
27. I threw out my back and can't move, and I don't have a car.
28. I can't make it in, Vince is sick. (Vince is the car pool driver)
29. I can't breathe...Cough! Cough! I have fluid in my lungs.
30. I have a recurring sinus condition and I'm on a breathing machine. I won't be in today and maybe not for the rest of the week.
31. I have a urinary tract infection. It smells funny when I go to the bathroom.
32. I have car problems....it's the battery....it's the starter relay....It's the alternator....
33. I can't make it in. I have sunburn. I can't put my shoes on because the tops of my feet are burned.
34. ??????? (He wouldn't say - pick one of the above)
35. This one is so good it needs several parts!
a) Wednesday... I won't be in today, I can't breathe, cough! cough!
b) Thursday.... I'll be out today and tomorrow. I have pneumonia.
c) Friday...... See 35b
d) Monday...... I have to go to the doctor's to get an OK to return to work.
e) Tuesday..... I have to go to the doctor's again today.
f) Wednesday... The doctor says I can't come in until tomorrow.
g) Thursday.... (He comes in! - It's payday!) It wasn't pneumonia, it's...cough! wheeze!
acute recurring sinusitis and bronchitis, and I will definitely be in tomorrow too!
h) Friday...... I won't be in today. I can't breathe because the nebulizer didn't kick in last night.
36. I have the runs. And I forgot to set the alarm.
37. I had to go to court today for a traffic ticket and forgot to call. (Greg had to call him at 11:45am to find out where he was!!)
38. I can't make it in today, my mom is in the hospital and I'm not allowed to visit cause I’m sick, so I have to stay home next to the phone.
39. Greg, I’m having a real tough time here today. I’m...wheeze...having trouble...breathing...I have to go back to the doctor’s...wheeze...wheeze...wheeze...I’m trying to catch my breath...wheeze...I just had a coughing fit here...
40. I made a full recovery, but I still can’t come in to work because my mom might come home from the hospital today.
41. Time: Thursday, Jan 15, ‘Bagel Day’ Our man is supposed to bring in bagels by 7:30 am. He’s not here. It’s now 8:00 am, so Sue calls him to find out where the bagels are. She wakes him up out of a dead sleep and he mumbles something about he couldn’t make it in and forgot to call her about the bagels. Of course he still has the money she gave him for the bagels. It’s now 9:15 and Greg is wondering where his star employee is, so Greg calls him at home and wakes him up again. “My car won’t start” he says. “And I may have to pick up Mom from the hospital”. Now, a couple questions arise, 1) How is he going to pick up Mom if his car won’t start???? 2) When exactly did he try to start his car if he was asleep at 8:00 when Sue called and asleep again at 9:15 when Greg called?
42. Cough! Cough! Cough!...I won’t be in today. I couldn’t sleep last night. And I have to go back to the doctor’s. (He must have caught a cold trying to get his car started in the rain. See above)
43. Here’s another good one
a) Wednesday I can’t come in today. I have some personal things to do and I have to go pick up an oxygen tank for mom.
b) Thursday Cough! Cough! I can’t breathe cause I have bronchitis. I have to go to the doctor’s to get a shot.
c) Friday Cough! Cough! The doctor told me to stay home until Monday.
d) Monday Cough! I have an upper respiratory infection and my sinuses are screwed up and the antibiotic the doctor prescribed gave me diarrhea something terrible, so I have to call the doctor to get another antibiotic. I don’t know how long this will take.
e) Tuesday Cough! Cough! I’m having trouble breathing! I have to go back to the doctor’s to get a shot.
44. My car broke down. The alternator went.
45. I’m sick. (he sounded fine when he showed up 3 days later)
46. Cough, Cough....I’m congested, I can’t make it in today.
47. “I can’t make it in today, my car died on the way home.” (Wait.....he calls out on Friday. The car died on the ride home on Wednesday. How come he made it in on Thursday? Oh yea!!! Thursday was a payday!!)
48. Cough, Cough...Hello Greg?
a) Monday......... I have a sore throat.
b) Tuesday......... I won’t be in today, I have to go to the Doctor’s
c) Wednesday... I won’t be in today, I’m still waiting to go to the Doctor’s
d) Thursday....... “...The doctor told me to stay home one more day cause my mouth is all infected and it may be contagious... Cough....and I have fever blisters all inside and outside my mouth he gave me some medicine for it and he said in 12 hours most of them should go away....”
e) Friday........... “...I still feel totally wrung out today here and my lip looks absolutely horrible and I really wouldn’t want to come in and have everybody see that if it’s at all possible I’m trying to give it 3 minthpt... and it’s a lot smaller that it was.... but these fever blisters look absolutely horrible. The medicine’s working it’s just gonna take a couple more days..... to get them completely, y’nuh, the swelling down and everything.....”
49. I sprained my knee.
50. I have to take Mom to buy shoes. (Aren’t the stores open on Saturday?)
51. I have sore feet.
52. I hurt my back.
53. I’m too tired.
54. Hello, Greg?
a) Payday Friday. I won’t be in today, Mom is in the hospital.
b) Monday............I can’t make it in today.....wheeze.....cough.....my bronchitis is flaring up .....wheeze ....wheeze .....I musta caught something from all those sick people in the hospital.
c) Tuesday............I won’t be in today, I have to go to the doctor’s.
d) Wednesday.......I won’t be in today, the doctor says I have to stay out one more day.
55. Here we go again...
a) Payday Friday. I won’t be in today. I have to take mom to the hospital.
b) Monday....I won’t be in today, mom is in the hospital.
56. And again....
a) Thurs. morning.. I’ll be in late today, I was up all night with Mom.
b) Thurs. afternoon.. I won’t be in today, the nurse for my mom didn’t show up.
c) Friday..... I have to go see the doctor today. I can’t breathe and I’m on a breathing machine. (He must’ve caught bronchitis from mom?)
57. Will it ever end?
a) Monday ............. Greg, I have to take the afternoon off, my mom fell and hurt her back.
b) Tuesday ............. My mom is in the hospital, but I have to stay home near the phone in case the doctor tries to call.
c) Wednesday........ Mom might need surgery cause she broke a vertebra in her back, so I have to stay home near the phone in case the doctor calls.
d) Thursday............. Thanksgiving holiday, he won’t get paid for it! - he was out on Wednesday.
e) Friday.................. Thanksgiving holiday, no pay again!!
f) Monday ............. Greg, I’ll be in this afternoon (he came in 1/2 day)
g) Tuesday .............. He’s here all day!
h) Wednesday......... Cough, cough, I can’t breathe, I’m going to see the doctor today.
i) Thursday............. Cough, cough, the doctor told me to stay out one more day.
j) Friday................. Cough cough, I’m going back to the doctor’s again today. I’ll probably be in on Monday.
58. Does he ever come in???
a) Monday ........... I won’t be in today, my mom may have to go into the hospital.
b) Tuesday .......... I don’t feel good, I must have caught something from my mom.
c) Wednesday....... I’m going to see the doctor today. I will definitely be in tomorrow.
59. I sold my car and the guy I sold it to works at night and can only come pick it up during the day.
60. Notice the inconsistencies.....
a) Wednesday......... I’m taking an AL day today
b) Thursday............. I’m taking an AL day today
c) Friday................. I have to go get new glasses. I sat on them and I’m not supposed to drive without them. I didn’t plan this! This stuff always happens to me!! (See #24)
d) Monday .............Holiday.....MLK Day
e) Tuesday .............I’m sick, I’m not coming in, Cough Cough.
f) Wednesday.........I can’t make it in, I took Mom to the hospital last night and I ‘m going to see her today.
g) Thursday............Because I took Mom to the hospital on Monday, I missed my doctor’s appointment, so I have to go to the doctor’s today to get a note for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. (Huh?)
h) Friday.................The doctor told me to stay home one more day.
i) Monday...............The doctor wants to see me again today because he didn’t like the way I sounded on Friday.
j) Tuesday...............I went to the doctor yesterday and he said I’ll be ok to come in on Wednesday. The wheezing is almost gone, but he wants it completely gone before I can come back to work.
k) Wednesday.........I’m gonna take one more day and then I think I’ll be completely fine.
l) Thursday............I went to the doctor’s yesterday and he told me I better stay out the next 2 days to make sure this is completely cleared up cause I been battling this for the last 2 weeks and it just doesn’t want to let go.
m) Friday.................Out. See above
n) Monday..............I have to go back to the doctor’s today to get notes for all the days I was out.
o) After his return, he claimed he was out because the doctor prescribed Prozac for him and for the first couple weeks you take it, it screws you up. I guess it causes you to sit on your glasses and your mom to get sick too.
61. It must be the Prozac, I’m jittery
a) Tuesday.......... The Prozac is making me all jittery.
b) Wednesday..... I’m still a little jittery from my medication.
c) Thursday....... I’m not coming in today and tomorrow. Can I use vacation time?
d) Friday.......... He’s here! Go figure.....
62. Cough, Cough
a) Thursday............ I have flu-like symptoms. (maybe it’s the jitters?)
b) Friday................ I still got the flu, coughing, sneezing, fever, the whole nine yards.
c) Monday ............ I’m going back to the doctor’s today, I still feel like shit.
d) Tuesday............. You won’t believe this, they rushed mom to the hospital last night. She’s in intensive care, so I’m gonna go up there this morning and check it out and see what’s going on. They might have to do some tests or something, I dunno, but she was having a real hard time breathing so we hadda call an ambulance last night to take her to the hospital.
e) Wednesday......... I’m too tired to come in. I’m all stressed out from mom being in the hospital. I have such a stressful existence.
f) Thursday........... I’m going to see my psychiatrist today to get a note for Wednesday, today and tomorrow. I‘m having fits here.... But mom’s getting better!
g) Friday............. Out. See above
h) Monday.......... Hello Greg? I won’t be in today or tomorrow, mom took a turn for the worse, and she’s in the ICU. Today’s the make-or-break day.
i) Tuesday............ Out. See above
j) Wednesday......... I need one more day to get some things done for mom. This house is a mess, I’m a mess, I’m an emotional mess. Bear with me.
k) Thursday............ I know this is getting ridiculous, but.... I gotta do some things for mom today, she’s getting better, I have to go to Social Security, and I have to go get some medical forms for Medicaid. Mom will probably be in the hospital for 3 or 4 more days.
l) Friday................. Hello Greg, This is Mike....Argh! I gotta go to the doctors today...I pulled a...ow! …muscle in my back yesterday and I can just about move and my whole back is in one big knot so I’m gonna call and get an appointment for the doctors and see if he can give me a shot or something for the pain. See you Monday.
m) Monday............. He’s here!
n) Tuesday............. Here again!
o) Wednesday......... Cough......wheeze... Greg, I won’t be in today......wheeze, wheeze.....I’m having trouble breathing...... wheeze, wheeze........ I have to go back to the doctor today.
63. My mom fell 2 days ago and hurt her hand. I have to take her to get it x-rayed cause I think it might be broken.
64. Mom is throwing up all over the place.
65. Another multi-part excuse
a) Monday……….. Holiday
b) Tuesday............. I have the flu something terrible.
c) Wednesday......... I need one more day to recover.
d) Thursday............. I’m on the cusp of walking pneumonia
e) Friday................. I’m better today, but I have to go pick up mom from the hospital.
f) Monday.............. I’ll be in this afternoon, I’m a little slow getting started from the narcotics I’m taking.
66. Mom again.
a) Monday ……… I can’t make it in today; Mom has a fever.
b) Tuesday ……….. The nurse for Mom isn’t coming today, so I have to stay with her.
c) Wednesday …… I have to take Mom back to the doctors today. I’ll be in tomorrow.
d) Thursday ……… I have to take Mom for a blood test today.
e) Friday ………… Mom hasn’t eaten all week, I have to feed her and take her back to the doctor.
f) Monday……….. I have to take Mom back to the doctor’s, she’s still not eating.
g) Tuesday………. Mom is still sick and not eating.
h) Wednesday…… Mom is throwing up today; I have to go get her medicine. (If Mom hasn’t eaten in a week, what is she throwing up?)
i) Thursday ……. My brother is bringing over an oxygen tank for Mom. I’ll be in this afternoon. (I guess he has to be there to make sure his brother isn’t smoking when he carries the oxygen tank into the house. And of course he showed up for the afternoon. It’s a payday!)
67. I hurt my finger.
68. I hurt my ankle and have to go get it x-rayed.
69. Mom again…
a) Monday………. “I won’t be in today, Mom is sick and I was up all last night with her.”
b) Tuesday………. “I have to take Mom to the doctor’s.”
c) Wednesday…….“I have to take Mom back to the doctor’s again.”
70. Praise the Lord for State & Federal Family Leave…
a) Monday………. “Mom is in the hospital. This could be it.”
b) Tuesday………. “Mom is in the hospital dying. I have to draw up a living will for her.”
c) Wednesday…… “Mom is still in the hospital, and I’m going to go there and see her through the worst of it.”
d) Thurs. (payday) “I must’ve caught something from the hospital, I’m all congested and I have to go to the doctor’s to get a shot. Mom’s infection is under control, and she’s not throwing up anymore. In fact she’s doing better than I am. I’ll be in tomorrow.”
e) Friday…….…… “The doctor wants me to stay out one more day. I’m still congested. He said stay on the nebulizer and inhalers. Mom is doing better, she’ll probably be in the hospital 5 or 6 more days.”
f) Monday……..… Labor Day Holiday. He doesn’t get paid because he was out on Friday!
g) Tuesday………. “I can’t make it in today. Mom might come home from the hospital.”
h) Wednesday……. “Mom is home from the hospital, she’s real weak and needs assistance. The nurse isn’t coming today, so I’m staying with her. See you tomorrow.”
i) Thursday……… “I have to take mom back to the hospital for more tests. I have to be there at 9:00 and I don’t know how long I’ll be.” (Why? Were you planning to come to work?)
j) Friday…………. “I took mom to the hospital yesterday to get her tests done, and they kept her overnight. I have to go pick her up today. I’m gonna need one more day…. I’m at my wits end here. See you Monday.”
71. A Thanksgiving bender maybe?
a) Monday……… “Mom’s getting out of the hospital today and getting moved to a rehab. I have to be there with her.”
b) Tuesday....…… “I can’t make it in, Mom’s paralyzed and I have to draw up a living will.”
c) Wednesday…….“Mom’s still sick , but I’ll be in this afternoon”. (of course he comes in, if he didn’t he’d lose the two days for the Thanksgiving holiday. Oh yea! And he had to pick up his paycheck)
d) Thursday……. Thanksgiving Holiday
e) Friday…………. Thanksgiving Holiday
f) Monday……….. “My lungs are killing me today, I’m going to have to get on a breathing machine, I’m all congested and my chest feels like I have a ton of bricks on it.” (What happened to Mom? Is she still paralyzed?)
g) Tuesday……… “The doctor told me to stay home one more day. The medicine he gave me makes me really drowsy to clear up my lungs and it’ll kick in later today. See you tomorrow.”
h) Wednesday…… “I went to the doctor’s again yesterday, (cough) I’m still pretty congested and he says it’ll probably take a while with this one (wheez). He told me to stay out one more day and stay on the nebulizer. I’m still all congested here……”
i) Thursday…….. “Hello, Greg? (cough) I’m still fighting this thing, I went back to the doctor’s yesterday, (cough, wheeze) I’m getting better, it’s just taking a long time, so I’ll see you tomorrow for sure. (Yawn, cough)”
j) Friday………. “I’m still having trouble breathing, I might as well call it a week.”
k) Monday……… Time, 7:05am….. “Hello, Greg? I just got a call from the rehab. Mom fell out of bed and they want the family to be there so we can decide what to do.” (Help! I’ve fallen and can’t get up!…..How about picking her up? Somone must have pushed mom out of bed, because she’s paralyzed, remember?)
l) Tuesday ………. “Mom hurt her hip real bad, she might be in the hospital 2 or 3 weeks, so I’m going to go see her today to lend her emotional support.”
m) Wednesday…….“I can’t make it in today, I’m depressed.” (You should get Mom to lend you emotional support)
n) Thursday………. He’s here!! It’s payday! 2 ½ whole days he gets paid for. But 2 days were the Thanksgiving holiday.
72. A Christmas bender maybe?
a) Monday………. No phone call! Maybe he was passed out?
b) Tuesday ……… “The nurse for Mom isn’t coming until tomorrow, so I have to take care of her today. See you tomorrow.”
73. No use letting those new benefit days get old
a) Wednesday….“Greg, I’m not sick! The nurse for Mom didn’t show up today, so I have to take care of her. And she has a doctor’s appointment I have to take her to. And I have to go get some stuff done on my car. But I’ll be in tomorrow.” (We can’t let the new yearly allotment of AL days gather dust now, can we?)
b) Thursday…….. It’s payday, he’s here.
c) Friday………..“I won’t be in today. I’m not sick, I have some errands to do for Mom.”
74. Could he have fallen off the wagon?
a) Thursday….. “I won’t be in today, I have to take my brother to the hospital.”
( What happened to the brother’s wife of 3 weeks?)
b) Friday……… “My brother isn’t doing so well. We gave him last rites.”
c) Monday……… “My brother is still in the hospital, he’s getting better. I’m gonna take Mom to see him.”
75. He’s here, he’s not here….
a) Monday…….. “I have flu-like symptoms” (At least the brother got better)
b) Tuesday……… “I’m going to the doctor’s this morning and depending on what he says, I may be out this afternoon too.”
c) Wednesday…..He’s here
d) Thursday…….Out, He put in for a vacation day while he was in yesterday!
e) Friday……..Good Friday Holiday
f) Monday……..“Mom hurt her back and can’t get outta bed. So I’m gonna stay home today and take care of her. The visiting nurse is coming tomorrow, so I’ll see you then.”
76. Here’s a blast from the past!
a) Wednesday…… “My knee hurts”
b) Thursday……… “My knee hurts”
c) Friday……….. “My knee hurts” (could he have bumped his knee while falling off the wagon?)
d) Monday………. “Ow! It’s my upper calf muscle that hurts”
e) Tuesday…….. “I went to the doctor yesterday, he said I pulled a muscle in my calf. Damn that Kevin, I musta did it when he made me go for that walk.” (That walk you took was 2 weeks ago!)
f) Wednesday….. “I need one more day to fully recover.”
77. And he was doing so well for the longest time…
a) Monday…..Cough Cough, he went home sick. His daughter’s wedding was Friday, could he still be hungover?
b) Tuesday……Out sick
c) Wednesday….Out sick
d) Thursday….Out sick
e) Friday……..“I’m not sick anymore, but I might as well call it a week. I’ll take an AL day today.”
f) Monday………“I’ll be out today, Mom has issues that I have to attend to…”
78. Monday morning…… “Cough, Cough, I have bronchitis. I’m going to the doctor today and I know he’ll tell me to stay out until at least Thursday. So, I’ll see you on Thursday.”
79. I have an inner ear infection. (5 days)
80. I can’t make it in today, I have car problems. And I’ll have car problems tomorrow too.
81. Monday morning…..I’ll be out today. I didn’t sleep at all over the weekend because I’ve been awake thinking about this application I’m working on.
82. I can’t come in because I drank way too much last night. (3 days he was out. It turned into bronchitis)
83. I pulled a groin muscle.
84. My throat feels like it’s full of razor blades.
85. My basement is flooded
a) Tuesday – My basement is flooded.
b) Thursday – My house is condemned, cause I have raw sewage backing up into my basement.
Notice how these excuses evolve over the years from a day here and there to weeks at a time.
1. My knee hurts.
2. My Mom's knee hurts.
3. I have to take Mom to the doctors.
4. I have to pick up Mom's prescription.
5. The truck is late getting Mom's prescription to the drug store.
6. My boat has a flat tire.
7. My boat is stuck in the mud. (in January!)
8. I broke my finger 6 months ago but it'll be better tomorrow. It's all Kevin's fault!
9. My mother's sister's mother died.
10. I have to take Mom to the lawyers.
11. My mother's sister is dying in the hospital, but she'll be OK tomorrow.
12. I can't breath...cough, cough!
13. My transmission fell out on 295.
14. There's a lot more snow in the mountains of Berlin.
15. My basement is flooded because we get more rain in Berlin.
16. I got lost going for my CDL.
17. My mom is sick.
18. I overdosed on antihistamine. I'm a danger to myself and everybody else on the road!
19. I spilled solvent on myself and my skin is all bubbly.
20. I bumped my head on my boat and I'm going to the doctors. (Friday he bumped his head, Monday he goes to the doctor?)
21. My mother has an upset stomach.
22. Time: 4:00 PM Monday. “Larry, I'm stuck in the snow. I won't be in tomorrow. I can't believe that @#*&#!! bitch is opening us! The snow is 5 feet high in the complex. I can't get out of my door!”
23. I'm under too much stress.
24. I sat on my glasses and can't see driving in.
25. I have to go get new glasses, they fell in the river while rafting.
26. My engine fell out on Route 295 (see #13).
27. I threw out my back and can't move, and I don't have a car.
28. I can't make it in, Vince is sick. (Vince is the car pool driver)
29. I can't breathe...Cough! Cough! I have fluid in my lungs.
30. I have a recurring sinus condition and I'm on a breathing machine. I won't be in today and maybe not for the rest of the week.
31. I have a urinary tract infection. It smells funny when I go to the bathroom.
32. I have car problems....it's the battery....it's the starter relay....It's the alternator....
33. I can't make it in. I have sunburn. I can't put my shoes on because the tops of my feet are burned.
34. ??????? (He wouldn't say - pick one of the above)
35. This one is so good it needs several parts!
a) Wednesday... I won't be in today, I can't breathe, cough! cough!
b) Thursday.... I'll be out today and tomorrow. I have pneumonia.
c) Friday...... See 35b
d) Monday...... I have to go to the doctor's to get an OK to return to work.
e) Tuesday..... I have to go to the doctor's again today.
f) Wednesday... The doctor says I can't come in until tomorrow.
g) Thursday.... (He comes in! - It's payday!) It wasn't pneumonia, it's...cough! wheeze!
acute recurring sinusitis and bronchitis, and I will definitely be in tomorrow too!
h) Friday...... I won't be in today. I can't breathe because the nebulizer didn't kick in last night.
36. I have the runs. And I forgot to set the alarm.
37. I had to go to court today for a traffic ticket and forgot to call. (Greg had to call him at 11:45am to find out where he was!!)
38. I can't make it in today, my mom is in the hospital and I'm not allowed to visit cause I’m sick, so I have to stay home next to the phone.
39. Greg, I’m having a real tough time here today. I’m...wheeze...having trouble...breathing...I have to go back to the doctor’s...wheeze...wheeze...wheeze...I’m trying to catch my breath...wheeze...I just had a coughing fit here...
40. I made a full recovery, but I still can’t come in to work because my mom might come home from the hospital today.
41. Time: Thursday, Jan 15, ‘Bagel Day’ Our man is supposed to bring in bagels by 7:30 am. He’s not here. It’s now 8:00 am, so Sue calls him to find out where the bagels are. She wakes him up out of a dead sleep and he mumbles something about he couldn’t make it in and forgot to call her about the bagels. Of course he still has the money she gave him for the bagels. It’s now 9:15 and Greg is wondering where his star employee is, so Greg calls him at home and wakes him up again. “My car won’t start” he says. “And I may have to pick up Mom from the hospital”. Now, a couple questions arise, 1) How is he going to pick up Mom if his car won’t start???? 2) When exactly did he try to start his car if he was asleep at 8:00 when Sue called and asleep again at 9:15 when Greg called?
42. Cough! Cough! Cough!...I won’t be in today. I couldn’t sleep last night. And I have to go back to the doctor’s. (He must have caught a cold trying to get his car started in the rain. See above)
43. Here’s another good one
a) Wednesday I can’t come in today. I have some personal things to do and I have to go pick up an oxygen tank for mom.
b) Thursday Cough! Cough! I can’t breathe cause I have bronchitis. I have to go to the doctor’s to get a shot.
c) Friday Cough! Cough! The doctor told me to stay home until Monday.
d) Monday Cough! I have an upper respiratory infection and my sinuses are screwed up and the antibiotic the doctor prescribed gave me diarrhea something terrible, so I have to call the doctor to get another antibiotic. I don’t know how long this will take.
e) Tuesday Cough! Cough! I’m having trouble breathing! I have to go back to the doctor’s to get a shot.
44. My car broke down. The alternator went.
45. I’m sick. (he sounded fine when he showed up 3 days later)
46. Cough, Cough....I’m congested, I can’t make it in today.
47. “I can’t make it in today, my car died on the way home.” (Wait.....he calls out on Friday. The car died on the ride home on Wednesday. How come he made it in on Thursday? Oh yea!!! Thursday was a payday!!)
48. Cough, Cough...Hello Greg?
a) Monday......... I have a sore throat.
b) Tuesday......... I won’t be in today, I have to go to the Doctor’s
c) Wednesday... I won’t be in today, I’m still waiting to go to the Doctor’s
d) Thursday....... “...The doctor told me to stay home one more day cause my mouth is all infected and it may be contagious... Cough....and I have fever blisters all inside and outside my mouth he gave me some medicine for it and he said in 12 hours most of them should go away....”
e) Friday........... “...I still feel totally wrung out today here and my lip looks absolutely horrible and I really wouldn’t want to come in and have everybody see that if it’s at all possible I’m trying to give it 3 minthpt... and it’s a lot smaller that it was.... but these fever blisters look absolutely horrible. The medicine’s working it’s just gonna take a couple more days..... to get them completely, y’nuh, the swelling down and everything.....”
49. I sprained my knee.
50. I have to take Mom to buy shoes. (Aren’t the stores open on Saturday?)
51. I have sore feet.
52. I hurt my back.
53. I’m too tired.
54. Hello, Greg?
a) Payday Friday. I won’t be in today, Mom is in the hospital.
b) Monday............I can’t make it in today.....wheeze.....cough.....my bronchitis is flaring up .....wheeze ....wheeze .....I musta caught something from all those sick people in the hospital.
c) Tuesday............I won’t be in today, I have to go to the doctor’s.
d) Wednesday.......I won’t be in today, the doctor says I have to stay out one more day.
55. Here we go again...
a) Payday Friday. I won’t be in today. I have to take mom to the hospital.
b) Monday....I won’t be in today, mom is in the hospital.
56. And again....
a) Thurs. morning.. I’ll be in late today, I was up all night with Mom.
b) Thurs. afternoon.. I won’t be in today, the nurse for my mom didn’t show up.
c) Friday..... I have to go see the doctor today. I can’t breathe and I’m on a breathing machine. (He must’ve caught bronchitis from mom?)
57. Will it ever end?
a) Monday ............. Greg, I have to take the afternoon off, my mom fell and hurt her back.
b) Tuesday ............. My mom is in the hospital, but I have to stay home near the phone in case the doctor tries to call.
c) Wednesday........ Mom might need surgery cause she broke a vertebra in her back, so I have to stay home near the phone in case the doctor calls.
d) Thursday............. Thanksgiving holiday, he won’t get paid for it! - he was out on Wednesday.
e) Friday.................. Thanksgiving holiday, no pay again!!
f) Monday ............. Greg, I’ll be in this afternoon (he came in 1/2 day)
g) Tuesday .............. He’s here all day!
h) Wednesday......... Cough, cough, I can’t breathe, I’m going to see the doctor today.
i) Thursday............. Cough, cough, the doctor told me to stay out one more day.
j) Friday................. Cough cough, I’m going back to the doctor’s again today. I’ll probably be in on Monday.
58. Does he ever come in???
a) Monday ........... I won’t be in today, my mom may have to go into the hospital.
b) Tuesday .......... I don’t feel good, I must have caught something from my mom.
c) Wednesday....... I’m going to see the doctor today. I will definitely be in tomorrow.
59. I sold my car and the guy I sold it to works at night and can only come pick it up during the day.
60. Notice the inconsistencies.....
a) Wednesday......... I’m taking an AL day today
b) Thursday............. I’m taking an AL day today
c) Friday................. I have to go get new glasses. I sat on them and I’m not supposed to drive without them. I didn’t plan this! This stuff always happens to me!! (See #24)
d) Monday .............Holiday.....MLK Day
e) Tuesday .............I’m sick, I’m not coming in, Cough Cough.
f) Wednesday.........I can’t make it in, I took Mom to the hospital last night and I ‘m going to see her today.
g) Thursday............Because I took Mom to the hospital on Monday, I missed my doctor’s appointment, so I have to go to the doctor’s today to get a note for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. (Huh?)
h) Friday.................The doctor told me to stay home one more day.
i) Monday...............The doctor wants to see me again today because he didn’t like the way I sounded on Friday.
j) Tuesday...............I went to the doctor yesterday and he said I’ll be ok to come in on Wednesday. The wheezing is almost gone, but he wants it completely gone before I can come back to work.
k) Wednesday.........I’m gonna take one more day and then I think I’ll be completely fine.
l) Thursday............I went to the doctor’s yesterday and he told me I better stay out the next 2 days to make sure this is completely cleared up cause I been battling this for the last 2 weeks and it just doesn’t want to let go.
m) Friday.................Out. See above
n) Monday..............I have to go back to the doctor’s today to get notes for all the days I was out.
o) After his return, he claimed he was out because the doctor prescribed Prozac for him and for the first couple weeks you take it, it screws you up. I guess it causes you to sit on your glasses and your mom to get sick too.
61. It must be the Prozac, I’m jittery
a) Tuesday.......... The Prozac is making me all jittery.
b) Wednesday..... I’m still a little jittery from my medication.
c) Thursday....... I’m not coming in today and tomorrow. Can I use vacation time?
d) Friday.......... He’s here! Go figure.....
62. Cough, Cough
a) Thursday............ I have flu-like symptoms. (maybe it’s the jitters?)
b) Friday................ I still got the flu, coughing, sneezing, fever, the whole nine yards.
c) Monday ............ I’m going back to the doctor’s today, I still feel like shit.
d) Tuesday............. You won’t believe this, they rushed mom to the hospital last night. She’s in intensive care, so I’m gonna go up there this morning and check it out and see what’s going on. They might have to do some tests or something, I dunno, but she was having a real hard time breathing so we hadda call an ambulance last night to take her to the hospital.
e) Wednesday......... I’m too tired to come in. I’m all stressed out from mom being in the hospital. I have such a stressful existence.
f) Thursday........... I’m going to see my psychiatrist today to get a note for Wednesday, today and tomorrow. I‘m having fits here.... But mom’s getting better!
g) Friday............. Out. See above
h) Monday.......... Hello Greg? I won’t be in today or tomorrow, mom took a turn for the worse, and she’s in the ICU. Today’s the make-or-break day.
i) Tuesday............ Out. See above
j) Wednesday......... I need one more day to get some things done for mom. This house is a mess, I’m a mess, I’m an emotional mess. Bear with me.
k) Thursday............ I know this is getting ridiculous, but.... I gotta do some things for mom today, she’s getting better, I have to go to Social Security, and I have to go get some medical forms for Medicaid. Mom will probably be in the hospital for 3 or 4 more days.
l) Friday................. Hello Greg, This is Mike....Argh! I gotta go to the doctors today...I pulled a...ow! …muscle in my back yesterday and I can just about move and my whole back is in one big knot so I’m gonna call and get an appointment for the doctors and see if he can give me a shot or something for the pain. See you Monday.
m) Monday............. He’s here!
n) Tuesday............. Here again!
o) Wednesday......... Cough......wheeze... Greg, I won’t be in today......wheeze, wheeze.....I’m having trouble breathing...... wheeze, wheeze........ I have to go back to the doctor today.
63. My mom fell 2 days ago and hurt her hand. I have to take her to get it x-rayed cause I think it might be broken.
64. Mom is throwing up all over the place.
65. Another multi-part excuse
a) Monday……….. Holiday
b) Tuesday............. I have the flu something terrible.
c) Wednesday......... I need one more day to recover.
d) Thursday............. I’m on the cusp of walking pneumonia
e) Friday................. I’m better today, but I have to go pick up mom from the hospital.
f) Monday.............. I’ll be in this afternoon, I’m a little slow getting started from the narcotics I’m taking.
66. Mom again.
a) Monday ……… I can’t make it in today; Mom has a fever.
b) Tuesday ……….. The nurse for Mom isn’t coming today, so I have to stay with her.
c) Wednesday …… I have to take Mom back to the doctors today. I’ll be in tomorrow.
d) Thursday ……… I have to take Mom for a blood test today.
e) Friday ………… Mom hasn’t eaten all week, I have to feed her and take her back to the doctor.
f) Monday……….. I have to take Mom back to the doctor’s, she’s still not eating.
g) Tuesday………. Mom is still sick and not eating.
h) Wednesday…… Mom is throwing up today; I have to go get her medicine. (If Mom hasn’t eaten in a week, what is she throwing up?)
i) Thursday ……. My brother is bringing over an oxygen tank for Mom. I’ll be in this afternoon. (I guess he has to be there to make sure his brother isn’t smoking when he carries the oxygen tank into the house. And of course he showed up for the afternoon. It’s a payday!)
67. I hurt my finger.
68. I hurt my ankle and have to go get it x-rayed.
69. Mom again…
a) Monday………. “I won’t be in today, Mom is sick and I was up all last night with her.”
b) Tuesday………. “I have to take Mom to the doctor’s.”
c) Wednesday…….“I have to take Mom back to the doctor’s again.”
70. Praise the Lord for State & Federal Family Leave…
a) Monday………. “Mom is in the hospital. This could be it.”
b) Tuesday………. “Mom is in the hospital dying. I have to draw up a living will for her.”
c) Wednesday…… “Mom is still in the hospital, and I’m going to go there and see her through the worst of it.”
d) Thurs. (payday) “I must’ve caught something from the hospital, I’m all congested and I have to go to the doctor’s to get a shot. Mom’s infection is under control, and she’s not throwing up anymore. In fact she’s doing better than I am. I’ll be in tomorrow.”
e) Friday…….…… “The doctor wants me to stay out one more day. I’m still congested. He said stay on the nebulizer and inhalers. Mom is doing better, she’ll probably be in the hospital 5 or 6 more days.”
f) Monday……..… Labor Day Holiday. He doesn’t get paid because he was out on Friday!
g) Tuesday………. “I can’t make it in today. Mom might come home from the hospital.”
h) Wednesday……. “Mom is home from the hospital, she’s real weak and needs assistance. The nurse isn’t coming today, so I’m staying with her. See you tomorrow.”
i) Thursday……… “I have to take mom back to the hospital for more tests. I have to be there at 9:00 and I don’t know how long I’ll be.” (Why? Were you planning to come to work?)
j) Friday…………. “I took mom to the hospital yesterday to get her tests done, and they kept her overnight. I have to go pick her up today. I’m gonna need one more day…. I’m at my wits end here. See you Monday.”
71. A Thanksgiving bender maybe?
a) Monday……… “Mom’s getting out of the hospital today and getting moved to a rehab. I have to be there with her.”
b) Tuesday....…… “I can’t make it in, Mom’s paralyzed and I have to draw up a living will.”
c) Wednesday…….“Mom’s still sick , but I’ll be in this afternoon”. (of course he comes in, if he didn’t he’d lose the two days for the Thanksgiving holiday. Oh yea! And he had to pick up his paycheck)
d) Thursday……. Thanksgiving Holiday
e) Friday…………. Thanksgiving Holiday
f) Monday……….. “My lungs are killing me today, I’m going to have to get on a breathing machine, I’m all congested and my chest feels like I have a ton of bricks on it.” (What happened to Mom? Is she still paralyzed?)
g) Tuesday……… “The doctor told me to stay home one more day. The medicine he gave me makes me really drowsy to clear up my lungs and it’ll kick in later today. See you tomorrow.”
h) Wednesday…… “I went to the doctor’s again yesterday, (cough) I’m still pretty congested and he says it’ll probably take a while with this one (wheez). He told me to stay out one more day and stay on the nebulizer. I’m still all congested here……”
i) Thursday…….. “Hello, Greg? (cough) I’m still fighting this thing, I went back to the doctor’s yesterday, (cough, wheeze) I’m getting better, it’s just taking a long time, so I’ll see you tomorrow for sure. (Yawn, cough)”
j) Friday………. “I’m still having trouble breathing, I might as well call it a week.”
k) Monday……… Time, 7:05am….. “Hello, Greg? I just got a call from the rehab. Mom fell out of bed and they want the family to be there so we can decide what to do.” (Help! I’ve fallen and can’t get up!…..How about picking her up? Somone must have pushed mom out of bed, because she’s paralyzed, remember?)
l) Tuesday ………. “Mom hurt her hip real bad, she might be in the hospital 2 or 3 weeks, so I’m going to go see her today to lend her emotional support.”
m) Wednesday…….“I can’t make it in today, I’m depressed.” (You should get Mom to lend you emotional support)
n) Thursday………. He’s here!! It’s payday! 2 ½ whole days he gets paid for. But 2 days were the Thanksgiving holiday.
72. A Christmas bender maybe?
a) Monday………. No phone call! Maybe he was passed out?
b) Tuesday ……… “The nurse for Mom isn’t coming until tomorrow, so I have to take care of her today. See you tomorrow.”
73. No use letting those new benefit days get old
a) Wednesday….“Greg, I’m not sick! The nurse for Mom didn’t show up today, so I have to take care of her. And she has a doctor’s appointment I have to take her to. And I have to go get some stuff done on my car. But I’ll be in tomorrow.” (We can’t let the new yearly allotment of AL days gather dust now, can we?)
b) Thursday…….. It’s payday, he’s here.
c) Friday………..“I won’t be in today. I’m not sick, I have some errands to do for Mom.”
74. Could he have fallen off the wagon?
a) Thursday….. “I won’t be in today, I have to take my brother to the hospital.”
( What happened to the brother’s wife of 3 weeks?)
b) Friday……… “My brother isn’t doing so well. We gave him last rites.”
c) Monday……… “My brother is still in the hospital, he’s getting better. I’m gonna take Mom to see him.”
75. He’s here, he’s not here….
a) Monday…….. “I have flu-like symptoms” (At least the brother got better)
b) Tuesday……… “I’m going to the doctor’s this morning and depending on what he says, I may be out this afternoon too.”
c) Wednesday…..He’s here
d) Thursday…….Out, He put in for a vacation day while he was in yesterday!
e) Friday……..Good Friday Holiday
f) Monday……..“Mom hurt her back and can’t get outta bed. So I’m gonna stay home today and take care of her. The visiting nurse is coming tomorrow, so I’ll see you then.”
76. Here’s a blast from the past!
a) Wednesday…… “My knee hurts”
b) Thursday……… “My knee hurts”
c) Friday……….. “My knee hurts” (could he have bumped his knee while falling off the wagon?)
d) Monday………. “Ow! It’s my upper calf muscle that hurts”
e) Tuesday…….. “I went to the doctor yesterday, he said I pulled a muscle in my calf. Damn that Kevin, I musta did it when he made me go for that walk.” (That walk you took was 2 weeks ago!)
f) Wednesday….. “I need one more day to fully recover.”
77. And he was doing so well for the longest time…
a) Monday…..Cough Cough, he went home sick. His daughter’s wedding was Friday, could he still be hungover?
b) Tuesday……Out sick
c) Wednesday….Out sick
d) Thursday….Out sick
e) Friday……..“I’m not sick anymore, but I might as well call it a week. I’ll take an AL day today.”
f) Monday………“I’ll be out today, Mom has issues that I have to attend to…”
78. Monday morning…… “Cough, Cough, I have bronchitis. I’m going to the doctor today and I know he’ll tell me to stay out until at least Thursday. So, I’ll see you on Thursday.”
79. I have an inner ear infection. (5 days)
80. I can’t make it in today, I have car problems. And I’ll have car problems tomorrow too.
81. Monday morning…..I’ll be out today. I didn’t sleep at all over the weekend because I’ve been awake thinking about this application I’m working on.
82. I can’t come in because I drank way too much last night. (3 days he was out. It turned into bronchitis)
83. I pulled a groin muscle.
84. My throat feels like it’s full of razor blades.
85. My basement is flooded
a) Tuesday – My basement is flooded.
b) Thursday – My house is condemned, cause I have raw sewage backing up into my basement.
