Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor

[Decoy]

Welfare Check

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of our job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me !"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well..... you started it !"

 

[THRASHER]

Wow this thread is a good way to laugh nonstop

 

[sierracharlie338]

This thread is great


Sierracharlie out....

 

[Spartan67]

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your fucking mother....

 

[jbell]

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick...

 

[jbell]

How do you prevent rape?

Beat off the attacker...

 

[jbell]

What has 6 tits and 4 teeth?

Night shift at the Waffle House...

 

[jbell]

I hope these are not repeats, if so... Oh hell I don't really care

I am out like a boner in sweat pants...

 

[Maser]

 

[tbird1960]

This just in:

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non-racist version of "Snow White") has been put on hold. All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe". They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work”.

 

[InsidetheStorm]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

 

[Barneybdb]

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says "Go ahead!"

 

[DanGuy48]

What do you get when you cross and onion and a jackass?

Most of the time you get an onion with big floppy ears, but every great once in a while you get piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

 

[justin amateur]

The oldest and most socially unacceptable joke I know....

The town drunk staggers into the only bar in town, makes it to the bar, and demands a whiskey.

The bartender having dealt with him before says “Cash first.”

“I don’t have any cash, but I have to have a drink.”

“No cash, no drink!”

“If you don’t give me a whiskey, I’m a gonna drink the spittoon.”

To which the bartender laughed “Go ahead”

“I mean it! Give me a whiskey or I’m gonna empty the spittoon!”

The bartender just laughed harder,
right up until the drunk grabbed the spittoon up off the floor
tilted it to his lips, and started chugging.

“Oh My God! Stop! I’ll give you a whiskey! Hell! I’ll give you a whole bottle! Just stop!”

But the drunk just kept chugging.
The bartender turned away and dry heaved into the sink.
He looked back just as the drunk finished,
set the spittoon on the floor and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

“You could of stopped, you didn’t have to drink it,
I told ya’ I’d give you a whole bottle, why didn’t ya’ stop?”

The drunk with a sickly grin replied, “I couldn’t, it was all one piece.”

 

[pinsandpitons]

 

[Desert_Racer]

Why don't faggots have bar-b-ques?

Because the hot dogs taste like shit.

 

[DeezNuts_LLC]

A man is shipwrecked and stranded on a remote island with nothing but his dog and a goat. Over time, he builds a shelter and manages to survive off of the limited resources on the island. One night, the loneliness of the situation starts to get to him and he starts to think about the goat that is bedded down next to him. The more he thinks about it, the more appealing it becomes--after all, it is just him on the island. Who will know? Finally, he decides to go for it and flips over on top of the goat. The dog sees this and starts to bark and nip and the man until he runs off into the night. Weeks go by and night after night, the dog never fails to chase the man off of the goat before anything can happen--adding to his frustration. He tried throwing sticks, food, and even tried tying the dog to a tree but every time the man attempted to get with the goat, the dog would go ape shit and thwart his efforts.
One day, the three of them were walking along the beach and the man noticed someone fighting in the surf. He immediately swam out and dragged back to shore the most beautiful woman he had eve seen. As she sat naked in his arms and came to her senses, she realized that the man had saved her life and ask if there was anything she could to to repay him. After a moment of thought, the man looked down at the woman and asked "Could you take my dog for a walk?"

 

[sirhrmechanic]

Ok, this IS socially unacceptable humor... you were warned.

I'm gonna burn for this. But at least I won't get hit by a firetruck, I hope.

Cheers,

Sirhr

 

[Decoy]

Poor Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

 

[DeezNuts_LLC]

A man had just bought a new BMW M3 and was driving on the freeway when he noticed blue lights in his rearview. He looked down and saw that he was only going 10 over the speed limit. Thinking that it was ridiculous to be cited for such a minor violation when his new car was capable of going twice the posted limit, he pushes down on the accelerator and rockets forward. He looks up to see if the cop was still in sight and to his surprise, he had only pulled a few car lengths ahead. He started to get a little nervous and in a panic, opened his car all the way up. The cop car started to slowly fall behind but as the man look ahead, he saw that traffic was getting thicker and the adrenaline was starting to wear off. Finally, he came to his senses and the realization of potential arrest for felony evasion set in so he slowed down and reluctantly pulled over. When the officer made his way to the window, he asked for the usual documents and after looking them over, and handed them back.

"I'm guessing you have no questions about why I pulled you over. However, it's Friday afternoon, my shift is almost up, and I really don't feel like staying late doing all the paperwork on a ticket of this magnitude so I'll make you a deal. If you can come up with an excuse that I have never heard before, I will let this one go."

The man thought for a second and said, "Well you see officer, my wife left and ran off with a cop about two weeks ago and I thought he was trying to bring her back."

"Have a nice day" said the cop as he walked back to his car.

 

[Barneybdb]

Rosey posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Paula "I think I'm going to see a dietician". Paula asked "Why?" Rosey answered "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm!" Thinking a minute, Paula said "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

 

[Barneybdb]

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "You're going to have to look forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing nappies". "Why? Am I pregnant?" "No" the doctor replies "You've got bowel cancer".

 

[Barneybdb]

Man teasing his ex-wife's new husband. "Mate how's the second hand fanny?" New husband says "It's great thanks... after the first 3 inches, it's fuckin brand new...!!

 

[Barneybdb]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy.

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

 

[Barneybdb]

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose!?"

The doctor finally relented saying "All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office... his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked "Good god! What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up"...

 

[1911fan]

The one a couple posts up reminded me.... You know why fat girls give good blowjobs? They have to!


1911fan

 

[50calibercruiser]

This is pretty good.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/XmvJZYWwOBA?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

[BirdEyes]

Did this actually hit the air, or is this a good voiceover?

It was actually broadcast followed by an apology a short while later...

 

[PhulesAu]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…
More redneck than anything!

 

[InsidetheStorm]

A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says. “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”

“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”

“Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?”

“Nope.”

“Well then, what are you afraid of...?”

“Not a damn thing...”

 

[yerbyray]

We just got back from vacation is Disneyland and while I was there I stopped into one of the adult bars for a cold beer.
Sitting at the end of the bar was Mickey Mouse, really hammered and just talking off the top of his head.
I drank my beer and walked down to him and offered my sympathies as I overheard him mention that Minnie Mouse was suffering from mental illness.
He looked up at me like I was nuts and said, "No she isn't crazy, she is fucking goofy."

 

[BALLISTIC]

I found something so profound tonight that I must share, and by doing so I will also add it to my signature.

“Thor carries a hammer, Jesus was nailed to a cross. My god wins.” Anon

 

[Decoy]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.

 

[Kinsman]

The Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....
He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said:" How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added:
" It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating"

" It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"

" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today,
my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" said the man.
" I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile,
but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman.
" What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

" I used a different rooster " the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"

 

[BALLISTIC]

 

[Barneybdb]

The train was crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.

 

[Barneybdb]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved
Forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... Back and forth ..... Back and forth ..... In and out ..... In and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

... Her heart was pounding ... Her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I can't park the fucking car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!

 

[Barneybdb]

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

 

[Barneybdb]

Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, walked into a branch of the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque. Approaching the cashier she said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?" The clerk replies "It would be my pleasure, mam. Could I see your ID please?"

Julia said "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard you know - the Prime Minister!"

Clerk: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters, fraud, forgers and the like, I must insist on proof of identity". Julia: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows me!"

Clerk: "I am very sorry Madam Prime Minister. These are the bank rules and I must follow them". Julia: "And I need this cheque cashed!!"

Clerk: "Perhaps there's another way. One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque".

"Another time, Shane Warne came in without ID. He pulled out a cricket ball and bowled a fabulous spinner kick where the ball landed in my coffee mug. With that spectacular bowl we cashed his cheque. So mam, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the Prime Minister?"

Julia stood there thinking. Finally she says "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at".

Clerk: "Will that be $50 notes or $100 notes, Prime Minister?"

 

[Barneybdb]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.

... The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said....

"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

 

[Barneybdb]

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers' superior intellect).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

[Barneybdb]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says…. and in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks…. dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted, 'I'll do the fuckin' dishes!!'

 

[Barneybdb]

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE. THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and brasso. There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,(or duck when the shit hits the fan). You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without any shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.......... Well, Shit Happens!!!

 

[sirhrmechanic]

This is pretty good.

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The real pilots names have now been released:

Pilot: Park Ma Plen Tu-Sun

First Officer: Ha Yu Lan Dis Tang

 

[DeezNuts_LLC]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

 

[hiddenmongoose]

two alcoholics were drinking cider on a street corner when a dog walked by ,sat down and started licking his balls.First alco says Id love to do that ,second alco says thats a bad idea,that dog will bite.

 

[Alex V]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

I win

 

[ollie]

Alex, you win indeed. WOW

 

[RTK]

The F Word - Tutorial and Meaning - YouTube

 

[Barneybdb]

A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organisers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke the organisers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organisers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before" said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?" "Easy" said Tommy "my wife's an epileptic"...