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Maggie’s Socially UNacceptable Humor
- Thread starter Duc
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I guy walks in to a bar. Looking kind of miserable, he has a story to tell.
The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"
So, the guy tells his story...
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".
"Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem" says the barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh, that's bad".
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"
"Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".
The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"
So, the guy tells his story...
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".
"Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem" says the barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh, that's bad".
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"
"Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".
You didn’t even mention the ASTM specs, fail!
That wasn’t a colonoscopy
Not to mention, you can't find toilet paper anywhere on the face of the earth...…...
Part of me feels like I need to start a WTS TP in the PX to fund my ZCO...
An old biker was sitting at the bar with a beer and a bowl of chile when a young biker set down next to him, He was just staring at the bowl of chile and sipping his beer now and then, after a short time the younger biker asked the old guy if he was going to finish that chile and if not he'd finish it for him.
The old biker said go ahead if you'd like, the young biker started eating the chile and when he was close to being done with it, his next spoonful had a mouse on it.
He said to the old biker "THERE"S A MOUSE IN THIS CHILE", the old guy looked at him and said "yep, that's as far as I got too"
The old biker said go ahead if you'd like, the young biker started eating the chile and when he was close to being done with it, his next spoonful had a mouse on it.
He said to the old biker "THERE"S A MOUSE IN THIS CHILE", the old guy looked at him and said "yep, that's as far as I got too"
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday.
It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.
He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him.
On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
--
It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.
He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him.
On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
--
Mom and dad were busy getting it on one night when little Johnny came to the bedroom door wondering what was going. Dad said "Johnny why don't you go get some milk and a couple of cookies".
After a little more time went by the voice said Daddy what are you and mommy doing?
Dad replied well Johnny mom and I are making you a baby brother.
Next morning Johnny was so happy and just could hardly contain the excitement, dad said have a nice day and left for work.
Dad gets home and there was little Johnny sitting on the front steps just sad and broken hearted.
Dad says "Johnny what's the matter you were so happy this morning.
Little Johnny replies " The milkman eat my baby brother today"
After a little more time went by the voice said Daddy what are you and mommy doing?
Dad replied well Johnny mom and I are making you a baby brother.
Next morning Johnny was so happy and just could hardly contain the excitement, dad said have a nice day and left for work.
Dad gets home and there was little Johnny sitting on the front steps just sad and broken hearted.
Dad says "Johnny what's the matter you were so happy this morning.
Little Johnny replies " The milkman eat my baby brother today"
After graduating from HS, the son was telling his father he was going to Fla. and didn't know if he'd ever come back to Mo. or at least KC.
His dad said to go live in peace and get married to a fine woman, two yrs later the son returns with a woman he planned to marry but wanted his parents to meet her first.
He had his father in the backyard getting ready to grill and said to his father " just so you'll know she's still a virgin" his dad came unglued and said if she's not good enough for her family she's not good enough for you son.
His dad said to go live in peace and get married to a fine woman, two yrs later the son returns with a woman he planned to marry but wanted his parents to meet her first.
He had his father in the backyard getting ready to grill and said to his father " just so you'll know she's still a virgin" his dad came unglued and said if she's not good enough for her family she's not good enough for you son.
Not socially unacceptable or humorous ?
Post my link to your facebook page and LMK how it goes over with 50% of your friends.
You sound like a bundle of joy with a very diverse group of family and friends. I believe no one should get a payout and will add people that are off-white and handicap to my next petition. Thank you for making me more shallow than I already am.
(Dramatic sigh) I’m going to type this slooowly so that you can follow along. As far as I’m concerned the never Trumpers can go lick toilet bowls for all of eternity in any of the Central American and/or West African shitholes that I have spent time in. That being said, your virtue signaling has literally fuck tons of places to be posted on a forum like this but this is the Socially Unacceptable Humor thread where we post (wait for it) socially unacceptable humor. If you want to go beat your chest about liberals then go start a thread and go beat your chest. The fact that you think I agree with the legions of whiny bitches just because I pointed out that your post was neither socially unacceptable nor humorous would indicate that you have the emotional intelligence of a turnip. Having the emotional intelligence of a turnip is entirely your prerogative and I’m friends with 1J04 so that’s not a disqualifying trait in my book. If you have something socially unacceptable to post then by all means be my guest, if not then post your virtue signaling somewhere else and fuck right off.
XOXOXO
XOXOXO
What if I identify as a rutabaga?
I am a meat popsicle.
So basically you are a turd wranglin’ turnip with an identity crisis, I knew I liked you for some reason.
What this thread needs is some goddamned socially unacceptable humor....
leave 1J04 out of this, fukwad.......................
I think it's his Friday night an he's out in the Barn doing Jager shots with the squirrels he refuses to shoot...........
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